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Original poster

Step-child and wedding exclusion

286 replies

Dazedandconfusec · 05/09/2025 10:29

I have never posted on here to write a post before but have been on here long enough to know there are hundreds of posts about how a man has raised a child as his own only for his family to draw a line and not invite the stepchild to their wedding.

My child is 12 and has a fully involved father, never 50:50 because of the nature of his work but he is involved, sees her all the time and they have just got back from a two week holiday.

I am just so angry that my brother-in-law has not invited her to his wedding, the wedding where her step-dad is best man and her little half-sister is a bridesmaid. Her half-brother is also invited. I am the mother to all of them.

I know she has a whole life without us, in many ways she is more privileged than her siblings but I am just angry and tearful about this.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 05/09/2025 11:40

Dazedandconfusec · 05/09/2025 10:43

While she has a fully involved father. She has lived with her stepfather for nearly nine years.

My other children have absolutely nothing to do with my ex so of course they’re not invited to anything on his side.

I can’t believe she could be left out of BiL’s wedding, not as a bridesmaid or anything but as a guest with the rest of her household.

I think it's really mean. Even though your daughter spends time with her dad, she is still an integral part of your family and it is really unkind to leave one child out, when her siblings are both invited and one has an actual role in the wedding. Do you know why they have done this? Is it due to the cost or are there other issues? What does your DH think?

user1492757084 · 05/09/2025 11:41

Very hurtful,Op.
In this case I would promptly contact DBIL and request that you be allowed to pay all catering costs for your DD to join in with the family celebration.
Remind them that their future children would be considered family at your DD's future wedding. Tell BIL that your DD feels excluded and she wants to see her sister be a flowergirl.
Even write BIL a letter so that he can consider your request for more than a few minutes.

If DD is still not invited, I would bring her and her little brother to the ceremony to see the bridal party and then leave and have none of your children attend the reception.

XelaM · 05/09/2025 11:44

NavyNorris · 05/09/2025 10:47

9 years is most of her life! This is absolutely hurtful, your poor daughter.

I think if I'm being honest here- if I was in your situation I'd be so upset about it I'd not go. I realise I am stubborn and not advising you do this of course but that's really hurtful of your BIL.

Show quote history

This. I would decline the wedding invite. Can't your husband speak to his brother?

Selttan · 05/09/2025 11:44

Even if this wasn’t his step-niece (have I got it right?) I think it’s still very hurtful to invite everyone in a household bar one. I’m sure there’s some etiquette rules around this.
20 years later I still remember my cousin inviting my parents and sister to her wedding but not me - and it’s not like my sister was closer to her than me it’s just that they were the same age and I was two years younger.

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 11:44

user1492757084 · 05/09/2025 11:41

Very hurtful,Op.
In this case I would promptly contact DBIL and request that you be allowed to pay all catering costs for your DD to join in with the family celebration.
Remind them that their future children would be considered family at your DD's future wedding. Tell BIL that your DD feels excluded and she wants to see her sister be a flowergirl.
Even write BIL a letter so that he can consider your request for more than a few minutes.

If DD is still not invited, I would bring her and her little brother to the ceremony to see the bridal party and then leave and have none of your children attend the reception.

If you did that to me, I’d say that’s fine. Don’t attend. No skin off my nose.

It’s a second wedding for me and him. Whoever wants to accept the invite they’ve been given is welcome. If they don’t want to come (for whatever reason) that’s also fine. I’ve no intention of getting uptight about any of it.

It’s me and his wedding. And the people we care about the most (kids and grandkids) will be there. And that’s all that matters. Anyone else is a bonus.

thepariscrimefiles · 05/09/2025 11:47

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 11:44

If you did that to me, I’d say that’s fine. Don’t attend. No skin off my nose.

It’s a second wedding for me and him. Whoever wants to accept the invite they’ve been given is welcome. If they don’t want to come (for whatever reason) that’s also fine. I’ve no intention of getting uptight about any of it.

It’s me and his wedding. And the people we care about the most (kids and grandkids) will be there. And that’s all that matters. Anyone else is a bonus.

Show quote history

Your situation is different though. Your brother's step-children are adults and I presume not living at home any more. OP's daughter is a child that lives in the family home with younger siblings that are invited.

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 11:48

thepariscrimefiles · 05/09/2025 11:47

Your situation is different though. Your brother's step-children are adults and I presume not living at home any more. OP's daughter is a child that lives in the family home with younger siblings that are invited.

Show quote history

my brother’s step child is a teenager but still a child and they live 50/50 with my brother.

there are no younger siblings to invite.

XelaM · 05/09/2025 11:49

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 11:44

If you did that to me, I’d say that’s fine. Don’t attend. No skin off my nose.

It’s a second wedding for me and him. Whoever wants to accept the invite they’ve been given is welcome. If they don’t want to come (for whatever reason) that’s also fine. I’ve no intention of getting uptight about any of it.

It’s me and his wedding. And the people we care about the most (kids and grandkids) will be there. And that’s all that matters. Anyone else is a bonus.

Show quote history

So you would prefer to ruin the relationship with your brother and his family for the sake of excluding one 12-year-old child? That's horrible

Wildchild60s · 05/09/2025 11:49

When your husband agreed to be best man and it was agreed that your younger daughter would be a bridesmaid was it clear then that your older daughter would not even be invited?

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 11:50

XelaM · 05/09/2025 11:49

So you would prefer to ruin the relationship with your brother and his family for the sake of excluding one 12-year-old child? That's horrible

Show quote history

I didn’t say the child was 12.

and it isn’t ruining the relationship with my brother.

Original poster
Dazedandconfusec · 05/09/2025 11:51

My husband is going to have a word at the weekend, what he has said that if she is invited she can’t turn down the invitation to do something with her dad or his side as it would make him look like a dick advocating for a child who wasn’t available anyway.

My in-laws don’t really have occasions.

A cousin got married for the second time and the kids weren’t invited but husband’s nephews who are my eldest daughter’s age were as he was Godfather of one of them. I was slightly put out but thought I was unreasonable to be so.

My eldest daughter sees her stepfamily often when she was little all the time now she wouldn’t be there as often, not necessarily because of her dad but because of friends, hobbies etc. in exactly the same way as my other children and husband’s nephews.

Husband’s sister’s husband ( clumsy but I want to differentiate from the bride and groom) used to do a barbecue every year. My daughter was about 5 and that BiL’s mother (obviously no relation) asked who she was and I totally admit this sounds narcissistic but I was shocked that his sister would never have told her mother- in - law that her brother had a stepchild.

I have no idea what I think, even if they invite her I will still be pissed off. I am making no sense.

OP posts:
nomas · 05/09/2025 11:52

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 11:48

my brother’s step child is a teenager but still a child and they live 50/50 with my brother.

there are no younger siblings to invite.

Show quote history

Why would you exclude her? Do you not like her?

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 11:52

nomas · 05/09/2025 11:52

Why would you exclude her? Do you not like her?

Show quote history

I have no opinion on her at all.

I’ve met her once many years ago and she has never attended any family events since.

user1492757084 · 05/09/2025 11:56

I agree with your DH - that if DD receives an invitation she will have to accept and you all will need to proceed with grace and harmony, without acting pissed off, and have a joyous celebration.

CagneyNYPD1 · 05/09/2025 12:02

I’m a bit confused now after your recent post. Yes, all dc in the household should be included in important family events. But it does sound like that your dd isn’t particularly close to your DH’s side of the family. So probably an oversight rather than a deliberate snub.

Your DH is right though. If he brings this up with his side and your dd is then invited, she can’t then decline and do something with her dad or friends. Are you absolutely sure that your dd would want to go?

summerily25 · 05/09/2025 12:02

Dazedandconfusec · 05/09/2025 10:29

I have never posted on here to write a post before but have been on here long enough to know there are hundreds of posts about how a man has raised a child as his own only for his family to draw a line and not invite the stepchild to their wedding.

My child is 12 and has a fully involved father, never 50:50 because of the nature of his work but he is involved, sees her all the time and they have just got back from a two week holiday.

I am just so angry that my brother-in-law has not invited her to his wedding, the wedding where her step-dad is best man and her little half-sister is a bridesmaid. Her half-brother is also invited. I am the mother to all of them.

I know she has a whole life without us, in many ways she is more privileged than her siblings but I am just angry and tearful about this.

OP I totally get where you are coming from. It nearly feels like your BIL is making a point of excluding her. I would feel exactly the same way if it were my DC and I'm surprised your DH isn't making more of a fuss about it tbh.

LuckysDadsHat · 05/09/2025 12:08

I would let husband attend and decline the invite for all the rest of you. No children should attend if one is left out.

User1839474 · 05/09/2025 12:10

Dazedandconfusec · 05/09/2025 11:51

My husband is going to have a word at the weekend, what he has said that if she is invited she can’t turn down the invitation to do something with her dad or his side as it would make him look like a dick advocating for a child who wasn’t available anyway.

My in-laws don’t really have occasions.

A cousin got married for the second time and the kids weren’t invited but husband’s nephews who are my eldest daughter’s age were as he was Godfather of one of them. I was slightly put out but thought I was unreasonable to be so.

My eldest daughter sees her stepfamily often when she was little all the time now she wouldn’t be there as often, not necessarily because of her dad but because of friends, hobbies etc. in exactly the same way as my other children and husband’s nephews.

Husband’s sister’s husband ( clumsy but I want to differentiate from the bride and groom) used to do a barbecue every year. My daughter was about 5 and that BiL’s mother (obviously no relation) asked who she was and I totally admit this sounds narcissistic but I was shocked that his sister would never have told her mother- in - law that her brother had a stepchild.

I have no idea what I think, even if they invite her I will still be pissed off. I am making no sense.

You’re making a lot of sense! It’s an appalling way to behave towards a child. I hope they see sense when your husband speaks to them. It would make me see them differently going forward though.

WingingItSince1973 · 05/09/2025 12:14

That is awful! My eldest daughter has never been treated anything other than my dh daughter even though he’s her stepfather. It’s crazy to leave her out of a family wedding but to invite her half siblings. I just don’t understand it at all. She’s one small person but even if she was an adult it still would be weird.

Gerardormikey · 05/09/2025 12:15

Oh that’s crap.

My son isn’t my husbands biological child and he had a dad who is in his life. But since I met dh, his family included my son as one of thier own, even before they met him! Ds was 7 when we met and he didn’t even know of now dh existence until we had been together 18 months, but Dh family still gave me money to buy him birthday and Christmas gifts “from them” in that time, and Dh mum would buy him clothes when she bought them for her grandsons. When they met ds, that was it, he was thier grandson/nephew just like the other children in their family. PIL even changed their wills to include him with their other grandchildren. He’s 23 now and me and dh have younger children. His family treat him no differently.

However, his father’s wife’s family - ds is never invited to anything as he’s not her her child. He’s excluded from weddings etc.

So I have seen it both sides. Ds used to feel really shit about being excluded.

Robin67 · 05/09/2025 12:16

All your children are equal to you, not to everyone else.

Does her father invite her half sibling to everything? Does his family?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/09/2025 12:16

Sdpbody · 05/09/2025 11:35

None of my children would be going, if only one of my children were excluded.

I agree. And neither would any DH of mine!

intoFolklore · 05/09/2025 12:17

I've been the child in this situation. Twice. YANBU, it's absolutely awful

AnnaFrith · 05/09/2025 12:18

It's unacceptable to exclude one child from a family unit.
I'd either expect us all to be invited, or none of us would play any part in the wedding.

Mischance · 05/09/2025 12:19

I think this is unkind and insensitive and I would speak up about it. Say very clearly that stepdaughter is part of your family unit and, whilst you would not expect her to be bridesmaid, you do want her to be included.

How awful that her half sisters with whom she shares a home will be part of the celebration and she is excluded. I would not be standing back and letting that happen.