Step-child and wedding exclusion

[Dazedandconfusec]

I have never posted on here to write a post before but have been on here long enough to know there are hundreds of posts about how a man has raised a child as his own only for his family to draw a line and not invite the stepchild to their wedding.

My child is 12 and has a fully involved father, never 50:50 because of the nature of his work but he is involved, sees her all the time and they have just got back from a two week holiday.

I am just so angry that my brother-in-law has not invited her to his wedding, the wedding where her step-dad is best man and her little half-sister is a bridesmaid. Her half-brother is also invited. I am the mother to all of them.

I know she has a whole life without us, in many ways she is more privileged than her siblings but I am just angry and tearful about this.

"My MiL apparently said elder would have been invited as her exclusion will mean the logistics will be difficult in the morning!"
Well they should have thought about that sooner then shouldn't they?
In your DH's position, I would have told my DB to stuff off but that's me.

I agree with OP’s stance and balance in this case, but I also just want to say that people having different family values to you and doing things differently is not “piss poor parenting”.

Yeh I wouldn’t do this either. Let your DD go to the wedding of course and let your DH sort it all. It can be a “their side of the family” thing.
You shouldn’t be involved as then your other child becomes the only odd one out.

To clarify, its not people doing things differently to me that's piss poor parenting. There are ways to do things differently to me that are nothing of the sort.

It's the suggestion that one set of DCs paternal family event attendance should be treated as leverage, and presumably as collateral if the relatives (whose behaviour I don't agree with) refuses to play ball. Especially as the other child has no such constraints placed on their paternal family relationships. It's an appalling idea.

My younger daughter would always prefer to go shopping with me so while in some ways going with her could be seen as facilitating their wedding it wouldn’t be fair on my younger daughter to leave this to my husband or his side of the family.

I don’t want my son to become miserable because he is over excited and tired and as a result burden my husband at his family wedding.

My younger daughter would be devastated if she was withdrawn. My elder daughter might be upset at missing it but she would see it in a wider context.

I think bonds are created at weddings among cousins and extended family. I am not going to sacrifice my younger two.

Mil and SiL do know I am upset, husband has told BiL how disappointed he is.

This is not remotely comparable.

It is awful that they’re excluding a 12 year old and I wouldn’t be going.

It's the suggestion that one set of DCs paternal family event attendance should be treated as leverage, and presumably as collateral if the relatives (whose behaviour I don't agree with) refuses to play ball

but it’s not about this at all. You are characterising it in this way.

its actually about a different set of family values.

It’s normal in some families for different members to have very different lives/ activities/ possessions/ experiences. In other families is normal to say that we are a collective- everyone or no one does/ gets x, y, z. This could apply to all sorts of things and situations - nothing to do with leverage or collateral damage- just a different view of individual versus collective . For example, growing up I was expected to share everything with my siblings. In most of my friend’s families this wasn’t the case- they had different toys they didn’t have to share, etc.

It's literally exactly about that. The OPs situation, which is the one that's actually relevant here, is one where the two younger DC would have their attendance and at worst relationship treated as leverage and potentially collateral. Those words have meanings and they are applicable in these circumstances.

From the sound of it I doubt even that would register with such a bunch. I absolutely understand that the OP doesn’t want to upset the other daughter who is going to be bridesmaid but I think the husband can deal with the younger child at the wedding, if necessary leave and go back. I do think the older daughter will find out one way or another. I would make sure the card was not signed by me or SC and I wouldn’t be entertaining the newlyweds any time soon.

Yes this groom is a knob to not invite your eldest esp as the other 2 kids are going and one a bm

OP I think you are handling and approaching this unpleasant situation with maturity and grace.