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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel weird about nursery staff putting bows in DD's hair?

372 replies

CalonHapus · 05/09/2025 09:20

When DW picked up DD from nursery yesterday, they had put DD's hair into bunches with pink bows. They were apparently pretty pleased with themselves and were commenting on how 'cute and girly' DD looked.

We mostly dress DD in unisex clothes (which - as she's 14 months old - lots of people seem to read as 'boys clothes'). She has long hair which we mostly tie up into a 'pineapple' on the top of her head. We're not trying to 'make her look like a boy', we just like to put her in comfy, practical clothes that she can be active in. We don't put her in dresses very often because she tends to get tangled up in them or trip over the hem.

AIBU to feel like the nursery staff were trying to make a point by doing this? i.e. "you're not presenting her like a 'proper girl' so we will"?

OP posts:
WLnamechange · 05/09/2025 09:21

I don't think it is that deep. The kids were probably playing dress up.

PegDope · 05/09/2025 09:21

YABU.

It is amazing the things that offend people.

Maray1967 · 05/09/2025 09:24

I’d ask if they were playing dress up. If they weren’t I’d raise it. I don’t have DDs, but if I did I would have been very unimpressed by a nursery trying to make my DC look cute and girly.

I expect nursery staff not to promote stereotypes. Surely that’s not too much to expect?

cringeywed · 05/09/2025 09:26

Absolutely ridiculous.

ShesTheAlbatross · 05/09/2025 09:26

My DDs would never let me do much with their hair so it would just be tied back. But occasionally they’d come back from nursery with some hair tied and clips from playing dress up. Some of the boys would also have a clip in their hair. Didn’t bother me.

Poppingby · 05/09/2025 09:27

Depends what the activity was. If it was imaginative play of some kind that's one thing (this seems likely). If it was the staff doing a beauty parlour for their own entertainment I'd move my kid because she's not at nursery for their amusement.

Abracadabra12 · 05/09/2025 09:28

My nursery did something similar. I asked how they managed it as she doesn’t really like having her hair brushed at home and they told me they distracted her while doing it, which confirmed to me that it wasn’t something she enjoyed. She’s also 14 months old and not yet into dressing up. I just asked them not to do it again and they were fine with that

Chattanoogachoo · 05/09/2025 09:29

My grand daughter often comes home with different hair styles.She seems to enjoy the one to one attention and it's not a big deal.
I think it's important to have your principles but also recognise the autonomy of your child and how they may just want to fit into the group occasionally.

The13thFairy · 05/09/2025 09:30

I feel your pain. I took my dog to the groomers and she came out with a pink bow. I asked them to leave the bow off in future.

Bitzee · 05/09/2025 09:32

I expect after a busy morning of activities, maybe taking a jumper on/off a few times and also a post lunch nap that her hair needs redoing. I’m sure you know you can’t manage a neat hairstyle on a toddler that isn’t up for having her hair done so she must be ok with it. Ok so you wouldn’t have chosen the bows but it’s not remotely comparable to a frilly dress that prohibits play and actually it sounds like the style is practical and off her face. If anything I’d be grateful to nursery for dealing with it as the last thing you want is hair matted with yoghurt and paint from where it’s been hanging down!

Nonametonight · 05/09/2025 09:32

My daughter wears a mix of boys and girls hand me downs to nursery - clothes I don't mind getting stained and destroyed. Any time she's in something more pink or flowery, the nursery staff tell her she looks pretty and cute. It's not really how I want her being taught to think about herself, but in all other ways I am happy with the nursery so I let it go.
It's hard though - little girls get socialised into gender roles so early

BloomingNerines · 05/09/2025 09:33

I wouldn’t like the comments that she looked cute and girly.,

NavyNorris · 05/09/2025 09:34

Did your DD seem to like it? I wouldn't over think it tbh unless it's massively bothering you.
Even if you were raising your DD to be gender neutral (Im not assuming you are) then surely it would be ok to try different hairstyles?
She's your daughter at the end of the day and if you don't want them doing her hair or think she wouldn't appreciate being fussed about with then I'd definitely say something but I wouldn't have thought they did it to prove a point. Do you get the impression they're a bit judgy about your DDs clothes?

LoveWine123 · 05/09/2025 09:35

God people get offended by the tiniest thing these days. Of all the things to be concerned about…

MsSquiz · 05/09/2025 09:36

My dd used to go to nursery with a half up pony in her shortish, wavy hair and come back with bows and plaits in. She’d asked the staff to do it as some of the other kids had them in their hair

NavyNorris · 05/09/2025 09:37

NavyNorris · 05/09/2025 09:34

Did your DD seem to like it? I wouldn't over think it tbh unless it's massively bothering you.
Even if you were raising your DD to be gender neutral (Im not assuming you are) then surely it would be ok to try different hairstyles?
She's your daughter at the end of the day and if you don't want them doing her hair or think she wouldn't appreciate being fussed about with then I'd definitely say something but I wouldn't have thought they did it to prove a point. Do you get the impression they're a bit judgy about your DDs clothes?

Meant to add- i have 3 girls. My first was really into girly clothes and hair but my other 2 aren't at all and my 2nd daughter was always in very gender neutral clothes too. Both younger girls also hated having their hair done so never looked "girly" either. I don't think nursery ever did their hair as they'd have hated it!

GreenAndWhiteStripes · 05/09/2025 09:37

As a one off this wouldn't bother me at all. However if it keeps happening then, yes, it might start to feel like they were making a point.

gollyimholly · 05/09/2025 09:38

The world has really gone to ruin if nursery can't even do a kid's hair without it being read into as something more. They're just being helpful/nice.

Unless there's more of a backstory here...

namechangetheworld · 05/09/2025 09:39

They were probably playing hairdressers. Hardly a big deal. She probably chose the bows herself since it's something new and exciting.

And bunches with bows and dresses are no less practical than her hair bundled on the top of her head and leggings. That tired old line gets trotted out time and time again. Mine spent most of their toddler years running around in bunches and little dresses, much more practical for nappy changes, and somehow they never managed to get their legs 'tangled up' in them because they weren't wearing Amish ankle length stuff, just bog standard knee length dresses...

dogcatkitten · 05/09/2025 09:40

CalonHapus · 05/09/2025 09:20

When DW picked up DD from nursery yesterday, they had put DD's hair into bunches with pink bows. They were apparently pretty pleased with themselves and were commenting on how 'cute and girly' DD looked.

We mostly dress DD in unisex clothes (which - as she's 14 months old - lots of people seem to read as 'boys clothes'). She has long hair which we mostly tie up into a 'pineapple' on the top of her head. We're not trying to 'make her look like a boy', we just like to put her in comfy, practical clothes that she can be active in. We don't put her in dresses very often because she tends to get tangled up in them or trip over the hem.

AIBU to feel like the nursery staff were trying to make a point by doing this? i.e. "you're not presenting her like a 'proper girl' so we will"?

Perhaps other girls (or boys) had bows in their hair and she wanted some too. Won't be long before she wants her hair the way she wants her hair!

namechangetheworld · 05/09/2025 09:41

MsSquiz · 05/09/2025 09:36

My dd used to go to nursery with a half up pony in her shortish, wavy hair and come back with bows and plaits in. She’d asked the staff to do it as some of the other kids had them in their hair

I have a lovely photo of my youngest sitting on a pre-school workers lap at story time having her hair plaited beautifully. She wouldn't sit still for more than thirty seconds at home!

MidnightPatrol · 05/09/2025 09:42

Abracadabra12 · 05/09/2025 09:28

My nursery did something similar. I asked how they managed it as she doesn’t really like having her hair brushed at home and they told me they distracted her while doing it, which confirmed to me that it wasn’t something she enjoyed. She’s also 14 months old and not yet into dressing up. I just asked them not to do it again and they were fine with that

But… surely the way for her to learn to tolerate it, is by people doing it?

Distracting a baby as a technique to get them to do things is pretty normal - getting them dressed, brushing their teeth, sitting on the potty etc. Eventually they forget they didn’t like doing the thing.

Why did you want them not to do it again? I’d be asking them to do it daily to get her used to it, if they were having more success than me!

Poppingby · 05/09/2025 09:42

I think not wanting your girl to have pink bows in her hair unless she chooses them - which at 14 months she didn't - is perfectly fine. Doing it at nursery and then banging on about how nice and girly it looks would piss me off. I don't want my girls dictated to by gender politics until they have to be. I wouldn't want them to wear political slogan t-shirts they didn't understand either and I'd be annoyed if nursery put them in one.

tinymoon · 05/09/2025 09:42

I think it’s weird and I wouldn’t have been comfortable with it at all.

zaazaazoom · 05/09/2025 09:43

It would have pissed me off a bit but only because of the wider issue. I wouldn't say anything about it.
After having three boys, I found it really fuckjng annoying the obsession people seem to have around the way girls look. People ((being perfectly nice in their intentions) always mention their clothes, hair and how pretty they are. They dont do this with the boys and I don't want my daughter to have emphasis placed on her looks constantly.
Society places so much weight on female looks, its very annoying.