To feel weird about nursery staff putting bows in DD's hair?

[CalonHapus]

When DW picked up DD from nursery yesterday, they had put DD's hair into bunches with pink bows. They were apparently pretty pleased with themselves and were commenting on how 'cute and girly' DD looked.

We mostly dress DD in unisex clothes (which - as she's 14 months old - lots of people seem to read as 'boys clothes'). She has long hair which we mostly tie up into a 'pineapple' on the top of her head. We're not trying to 'make her look like a boy', we just like to put her in comfy, practical clothes that she can be active in. We don't put her in dresses very often because she tends to get tangled up in them or trip over the hem.

AIBU to feel like the nursery staff were trying to make a point by doing this? i.e. "you're not presenting her like a 'proper girl' so we will"?

20;years ago I worked in a school where the Head had the boys’ loos painted with a football theme and the girls’ pink with a Barbie theme. I protested! My own son hated football and my daughter had no time for Barbie. Apart from the crude, naff stereotyping, it can make children feel they don’t fit in.

A jungle animal theme, or colourful abstract patterns would have been better.

Good god people are being mean on this thread! Dont know why there is any need to get so personal over something which doesn't even affect you. Wild.

To the OP, it could be a one off. I get why it gave you pause for thought, the gender stereotyping with kids happens so early.

If it were me I'd ignore this and see if it happens again. If it does and you feel uncomfortable then speak to the nursery, its an easy thing for them to fix (presuming you're happy with them otherwise).

The way you want to bring up your children and the values you want to instil in them is important. Just because other people on this thread disagree, doesn't make it any less true. They just happen to have different values (and are being very vocal about it apparently!).

But why do we need to 'break the cycle' of complimenting little girls looks? As long as we're equally complimenting their talents/achievements/personality traits, then where exactly is the harm?

DD often (maybe once a week) comes out of nursery with gorgeous elaborate dutch braid or french braids etc. I love it because they look nice and I can’t do them. Imagine if I went and told the staff not to 😄 can’t think of a reason why…. If she didn’t like it she wouldn’t sit there long enough for them to be braided in the first place.

I think it’s wrong. She shouldn’t be coming home in the bows. If they played hairdressers - great (doubt it at 14 months) but that is something that should be left at the setting. I would plait a child’s hair or tie it in a bobble if it came loose for their own comfort but I certainly wouldn’t make a comment that it looked cute or girly. I think it’s unprofessional.

You are over thinking this and being ridiculous. The staff are probably just trying to involve/stimulate your child probably by playing dress up or similar. Have you also considered perhaps your DD wanted it? That it makes her happy? My son wore a pink and orange tutu everyday whilst at nursery for at least a year, he chose to wear it, first thing he put on out of the dress up box every morning when he went in, he was happy so I was happy.

I think you’ve worded this perfectly.

Firstly, life is too short to be worried about a few bows.
Secondly, I get what your trying to teach but when you say we prefer to dress our DD in gender neutral clothes or boys clothes because feminism. You’re actually implying women should dress and be like men because men are better which is presumably the exact opposite of what you’re trying to teach.
I’m sorry I think you’re actually reinforcing gender stereotypes not challenging them.
Unfortunately, I don’t have a solution other than to say that implying one thing aka gender neutral is better than another thing aka ‘cute girlie things’ is just as bad as teaching girls they have to be ‘girlie and cute’ all the time.
Thirdly, we are both over thinking the bow is not that deep.

First of all, thank you for joining me in over thinking. Welcome! 😊

Secondly, I definitely don't think that women should be like men because men are 'better'. I don't buy into the concept of 'girl things' and 'boy things' - in my view (which I appreciate isn't widely shared), clothes are just clothes and toys are just toys.

My older DC is a boy and some of my wider family kicked off when I bought him a 'girl's toy' for Christmas one year. They said I was 'trying to turn him gay' and couldn't seem to understand that I just bought it for him because that's what he asked for 🤷‍♀️ Like I said in an earlier post, I don't agree with putting kids in boxes.

It's society / wider culture that presents the things associated with women as 'lesser'. This permeates everything and can be difficult to see at first.

I leave for work at 7.30, my husband has to do our daughter’s hair and he’s still not great it at it. My childminder would often redo it, sometimes in French plaits etc if they played hairdresser. I was just happy it was out of her face and food. She loves all her big brothers hand me down dinosaur t shirts but also has some dresses etc. she now choose her own clothes and often will have a dress day and often a dinosaur and denim shorts/chino day.

You are just being rude and condescending to OP though, as though you are the authority on child rearing and that she should be grateful for your pearls of wisdom:

'She is not you. You’ll learn this soon enough.'

You made assumptions about OP (that she is massively affronted by the bunches with pink bows and that she is a first time mother} which were completely wrong, and now you are doubling down and making yourself look worse.

I’d hate to be the type of person who sees negativity in something like this. And how could your daughter possibly trip up over the hem of dresses unless they’re too long? Ridiculous.

As though your post to OP wasn't snotty! Why is it OK for your to insult the OP but OP isn't allowed to bite back?

If you kick up a fuss over pink bows, you very much are putting her in a box. Just a different sort of box.

@Deathinvegas

But! The typical female gender stereotype is borne out of a male indoctrination that females should be pretty, submissive, restricted, have exaggerated features etc.

I see it in schools - girls avoiding the bars where they turn upside down because they are supposed to wear a skirt.

I mean, you're going to have to take it up with her because she definitely does 😂

By 'kicking up a fuss', do you mean posting anonymously on mumsnet? Because that's all I've done. I haven't said anything to the nursery and I definitely haven't expressed anything to DD.

So I don't understand what box you think I'm putting her in. Unless you're saying there's a box for girls who tend not to wear clothes that are considered 'girly'?

The women that work there might be hyper-girly and that just be normal for them to put bows in etc for fun. I personally wouldn't read too much into it because in a year she'll be going out in all kinds of combinations that she's insisited on. My daughter is a "fashionista" and i can assure you she hasn't gotten than from me lol

I'm sorry but this whole rejection of all things girly because apparently "It's society / wider culture that presents the things associated with women as 'lesser'. " sorry but that's just hyperfeminism BS imho.

I mean where exactly are pony tails, make up kits and whatever girly stuff my DD is having herself presented as 'lesser'!? Answer: nowhere, except deep in some 'feminist's' heads!!

Imho, they're not , they're just presented as girlie.

I'm a man & a father of a 4yo DD, and tbh this gender neutral parenting idea strikes me as a load of woke codswallop imho. If my DD wants girly things, or to wear girly clothes that day I'll get her girly things. If she wants to have a leggings & trainers day (or a Dyno day that another poster talked about) I'll dress her in that kind of stuff, that day. Surely, the freedom to choose & change daily gives her all 'the power' in this really!? So what is the issue exactly!? I mean forgive me if I've got this wrong, but 'wasn't feminism about women being able to choose what they want to be, wear what they want & do what they want e.g. a Sahm, a doctor, an executive, &/or being a mother, etc

So all this gender neutral stipulated uniform stuff from toddler, strikes me as just another orthodoxy you're imposing on a kid. Replacing one orthodoxy with another, supposedly superior, one isn't progress , that's just a trend cycle.

Being girly isn't lesser imho, it's just being girly. I personally love seeing it as a father, as it is a cute development stage imho, and I really can't see what all the fuss is about.

But shur, what would I know !? ;)

Jesus Christ, i'm sorry but there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying to a child how cute/handsome/beautiful/smart/clever etc... they look/are. It can bolster their self esteem, self confidence, self expression, make them feel good and valued why would you want to take that away from them because in your opinion you think its not gender appropriate. Kids of that age don't give a flying fig about all that all they know is that they feel good because someone has noticed them, seen them and made them feel good. At the rate we are going we won't be able to complement kids for fear of offending everyone and the children will be the ones to lose out

@ThatDaringEagle I think that's the point, what you're saying about choice and self expression. Her daughter is 14 months old so is not old enough to make any of these decisions herself. I imagine she is wanting to raise her child to know that girls come in all shapes and sizes and not feel like she has to wear cute bows to be validated. I understand this stance as a mum of 2 teenage boys who are very different as we brought them up to be able to express their individuality.

They were probably doing something nice, my kids nursery did similar but kids loved it as it was a nice little activity, like dress up games. Don't over think it. They won't give your dressing her in unisex clothes a second thought.

But we are not complimenting them equally on other characteristics and that's the cycle we should break.

This is exactly it - thank you ❤️