To feel weird about nursery staff putting bows in DD's hair?

[CalonHapus]

When DW picked up DD from nursery yesterday, they had put DD's hair into bunches with pink bows. They were apparently pretty pleased with themselves and were commenting on how 'cute and girly' DD looked.

We mostly dress DD in unisex clothes (which - as she's 14 months old - lots of people seem to read as 'boys clothes'). She has long hair which we mostly tie up into a 'pineapple' on the top of her head. We're not trying to 'make her look like a boy', we just like to put her in comfy, practical clothes that she can be active in. We don't put her in dresses very often because she tends to get tangled up in them or trip over the hem.

AIBU to feel like the nursery staff were trying to make a point by doing this? i.e. "you're not presenting her like a 'proper girl' so we will"?

I would be offended if nursery staff had put my DD's hair in bunches when I had styled it differently. I'd also have told them not to do it, thank you. Which is what OP should do. I hate with passion this 'girly' stuff that is so stereotypical, ditto the macho stuff for the boys. As it happens my DD did have her hair in bunches for part of her childhood as she liked them - no bows (she is 40 now, so I suppose my experience is a bit dated!).

YABU. As the parent of a long-haired boy I can tell you it's not that easy to find "boyish" or "non-girly" hair clips! Yes, if you want to buy 5 for £5 on etsy, but if you need a cheap pack of 200 for your nursery children to lose, they're probably going to have some frilly/sparkly tat on them.
I dress both my kids fairly gender-neutrally, mostly because I have a girl and a boy, and I want to hand down clothes from one to the other! IME you're not noticeably special or progressive if you do this; probably 50% of the girls at nursery will be dressed in "practical" or "gender-neutral" clothes. The staff won't have singled yours out as needing some kind of special genderising treatment.
Also, kids act differently at nursery than they do at home. DD would chew off her own arm before she let me give her a french plait, but while I'm fighting to throw it up in a ponytail in the morning she'll say "I want Miss X to do bunches / a plait / whatever!", and come home with some ornate arrangement.
It's really not an issue.

I see your point and I don’t think you’re wrong but I don’t think there’s much you can do about it unfortunately.

As children get older and have more contact with people outside of our own homes (especially people who are looking after them), they will receive and be influenced by societal norms and ideas that we’d rather they weren’t. I struggle with this too but other than find someone (eg a childminder) very likeminded who has the same ideals as you do or take your child out of nursery/school and home educate then they will be greatly influenced by the systems and people they are exposed to. You’ll have much bigger battles to fight as she grows so this is something I’d just try to let go of.

What absolute monsters. Have you complained to Ofsted?

I dress my nursery age daughter very ‘girly’ and she often comes home from nursery with her hair done. To be honest all I’ve ever thought is how do they get her to sit still long enough!

Also ‘girls’ clothes can be both pink and practical…it sounds like you’re just trying to find something to be offended about.

You would really be offended by that? Wouldn’t you just assume your child’s ponytail (or whatever) had come out or their hair was in their eyes and so the nursery worker had put it in whatever style they find easiest? It’s almost like you’re going out of your way to feel offended or annoyed when someone may just be trying their best to help.

I meant to say, the nursery staff probably prefer girls to be in practical clothes i don't think the bows were in.anyway a comment on your parenting.

And… are people not allowed to do that?

Plenty complain on MN without actually doing so outside of it. 🙄

What a load of absolute tosh.

It's not the bow that is enraging, it is that society expects girls to be pretty and cute. And women to be sexy.

It's not the bow, it's not the comment.It's society that is engraging.

I hate that I have to look a certain way or be judged, that women's spend thousands of pounds making themselves look prettier or younger, or sexier or whatever we are meant to look and it starts so so so young. There is no escaping it.

So it's a small thing but one of a million small things we are bombarded with weekly.

I was a bit weirded out once when DD aged 2 came
home from the childminders with bright red painted nails but CM explained that they were playing dress up and she had let them have some of her clothes and jewellery and DD expressed an interest in the nail varnish so CM did them for her. DD loved it so I got over myself (now she’s a teen and she still loves to paint her nails bright red) Once in a while if they have an experience you would not provide it’s not a bad thing.

This happened with my DD at nursery a lot. At first I was a bit put out like you, but DD has quite fine hair which will ‘fall out’ of its style after a bit of running about and then irritated her by getting in her face.

I guarantee your DD is just moving about loads and her hair is coming out, hence they are tying it back up again.

Im not sure that using coloured bows is going to endocrine her into a traditional gender role but, if it’s a big issue for you, provide some spares in colours you find appropriate.

My DD wore a lot of gender neutral and ‘boy clothes’ as a baby too, but soon your DC will be old enough to express their own preference.

I completely agree, and it's something that many of us don't even think about cos it's so ingrained in us. I find myself doing it still as an adult ie saying to other women about how nice their hair or clothes look... I suppose it's a way of female bonding which is fine and harmless, but yes I do think it comes from that way that females are conditioned to find worth in their appearance. It's worth thinking about how it affects kids and like you said, boys don't get so many comments about what they look like. It can lead to girls having less confidence in themselves based on their character/interests/brain, and more seeking confidence from their looks.

I definitely DO NOT think you are being unreasonable! I am surprised to read that nursery staff would be able to do this
I would have thought they had protocols in place given the current climate of gender inclusion etc.
However, I can imagine it was done without serious thought as to how it may be interpreted. I would suggest a chat with the manager.

I wouldn't be keen but wouldn't get worked up about it. The staff at ours will sometimes put a plain elastic in to keep her hair out of her eyes but never a bow.

The gender stuff is quite insidious and starts earlier than I expected. E.g. people make a fuss about how pretty she looks if she wears a dress, which makes her like dresses and want to wear them more whereas before she didn't really care.

It’s cheeky and a bit sexist. Girly, indeed.

I’d love this to be my only problem in life right now.

I expect they're just playing around. In DS's nursery they would do this with the boys too, I wouldn't read too much into it.

Op you’re being silly

I can see why you are concerned but I'd wait to see if it's a one off.

I wouldn't be happy about the gender stereotyping though - these days staff should know better. But not sure I'd raise it at this point. Depends if there have been other instances. If it continues to be an issue, I'd speak to the manager rather than individual staff - maybe they have an equal opportunities policy that not every member of staff is aware of / adheres to.

And also (and I say this as someone who loathes gender roles) - you can also take this too far as a parent, by making your child reject anything too ‘girly’ when a girl and so making them different to their peers.

My mum was very anti girly anything, no pink, no Disney, no dolls etc etc. It was definitely a point of weirdness between me and my pals as a child as I wasn’t used to playing the ‘girly’ games they were - and I think as a teen it took me a while to work out what femininity might look like / clothes / make up and so on - as id always been made to see it as stupid.

So - with my own daughter, no I won’t be only buying her princesses and putting her in dresses - but nor will I be making it an issue if these things are part of her life (or her preferences).

Enjoying eg getting her hair done and being told it looks nice isn’t fundamentally a bad thing.

I know lol.. I'm imagining the OP's kid in a maxi dress at 14months ffs.. "tripping over the hem'...give over.

Bonkers. I've never been particularly keen on girlie stuff like pink bows and the like and given the choice I dress my daughter like a scruffbag since she'll only roll around in mud anyway, but I never gave 1/1000th of a shit when her nursery did this sort of thing. Only raise it with the nursery if you want to instantly gain a reputation as an unreasonable pain in the arse.

I'm finding the dismissal of OP's opinions more enraging than the act itself which was probably just thoughtless even if it felt like a lesson in how to turn your girl into a girl.

This is where it starts and why we're all bloody indoctrinated and arguing about what a woman is. Pink hair bows have literally nothing to do with it.

Nursery staff are told if they have to do hair that they do it in the same style that the parents sent their child in.
If a child has hair in their eyes constantly we may tie it / clip it back but tell the parents at the end of the day.
Years ago staff were told not to single a child out and not to play with a child's hair or brush it.
I really don't think that it is professional to do this to someone else's child.Surely they have other children to look after / other jobs in the nursery.