To feel weird about nursery staff putting bows in DD's hair?

[CalonHapus]

When DW picked up DD from nursery yesterday, they had put DD's hair into bunches with pink bows. They were apparently pretty pleased with themselves and were commenting on how 'cute and girly' DD looked.

We mostly dress DD in unisex clothes (which - as she's 14 months old - lots of people seem to read as 'boys clothes'). She has long hair which we mostly tie up into a 'pineapple' on the top of her head. We're not trying to 'make her look like a boy', we just like to put her in comfy, practical clothes that she can be active in. We don't put her in dresses very often because she tends to get tangled up in them or trip over the hem.

AIBU to feel like the nursery staff were trying to make a point by doing this? i.e. "you're not presenting her like a 'proper girl' so we will"?

She has worn knee-length dresses and got tangled up / tripped / generally annoyed when moving around in them so I don't know what to tell you 🤷‍♀️

I really couldn't get worked up about this.

When my DD was at nursery, I would very often collect her and her hair had been done differently. I thought it was a nice thing for the staff to do. 🤷‍♀️

My son has come from nursery with bunches. They were playing hair dressers. It’s not that deep

All I would say is when she's old enough to start expressing preferences, listen to them. My mum kept my hair very short when I was little and I hated it. I used to daydream of having my hair in bunches or ponytails with ribbons. (To be fair to my mum, after a while she listened and let me grow it out, but I hated my short hair until she finally relented.) I think the child's own preference should take precedence wherever possible.

Oh, I didn't realise I needed to list all my current problems in life when posting in AIBU...

I doubt they were thinking too much about it but it sounds like it doesn't align with your values and I can understand why you were annoyed by it.

They're gendering your child and I think this kind of thing sends a message that they're valued for their appearance and not their capabilities. Seems harmless but when you receive that messaging in subtle ways on a regular basis, you can see how it gets internalized and can limit them as a person.

I suppose your options are to tolerate it or ask them not to do it again.

I don't send my kids to nursery but gendering from other people happens everywhere. My daughter once dressed up as a soldier at playgroup and got told she looked "pretty", not exactly the descriptions I usually associate with soldiers but maybe they've seen some glamorous ones on the battlefield in their time.

Oh I’m bucking the trend on this one and think it’s pretty outrageous. Please note that is the only acceptable use of the word ‘pretty’. Using it to describe an appearance is not acceptable in my house.

id be asking if they put pink bows in any of the boys hair and called them ‘pretty’ and if not why not.

associating girls with these words starts very young and limits their horizons and puts a social pressure on them to ‘look pretty’

if be having a word with nursery for sure.

If you are upset, Op, just have a quiet word.

They sound very attentive nursery staff :)

You are overthinking - they probably have a role play area set as a hairdressers

Interesting that no one seems to get offended if anyone says their little boy looks handsome or cute.

GET. A. GRIP.

Some people really do suck all the joy out of parenting. Just overthink every single little interaction looking for potential grievances. What a way to live.

I have to disagree with this. You can refer to a girl as pretty, let them enjoy playing dress up and still encourage them to be ambitious in their learning and what they want to aim for in life. Why are you encouraging the association of pretty with limiting horizons?

How Rude!! They were 'bright' enough to leave your kid with them though! Have you any idea how hard that job is. They work long hours , for shit money and are dealing with batshit parents on a daily basis.

Wow ! I mean i did 3 years training sat exams and everything to work with young children, my dd has a degree in childcare and education and works with under4s but yeah not the "brightest"

A great big pink sparkly hair grip! 🤣🤣

Some of the comments about nursery staff on here are really shitty. "Sick as mince" (I assume @Noelshighflyingturds meant "thick as mince" as, ironically, what they've written doesn't make any sense), "Not the brightest" (@Thisbreamisonwire). Where do you get off, slagging people off that you've never met? Nursery staff will be a mixed bag, like any other profession; some academic, some less so; some really passionate about feminist issues; some really passionate about child psychology; some excellent at calming down an overstimulated child... Nursery workers aren't some kind of knuckle-dragging hive mind.
I really pity people who need to slag off others to feel ok about themselves.

If it was my child my reaction would be "how lovely". Maybe your daughter enjoys looking like a girl? I imagine you are a same sex couple who have more of a fixation on this sort of thing than the average parent to be worked up about this.

Not necessarily. They have lots of activities in a nursery and sometimes pin long hair back a bit so it doesn’t get in the way. They will have bands and clips and use something that looks useful. If they happen to have something with a bow on it then they might choose that. Many posters on here forget that Nursery workers are people too who (hopefully!) get pleasure out of working with little children. Dressing them up, doing their hair, interacting with the children in a positive way is all part of that. Lots of girls loved having their hair done . Perhaps some of the boys too- I would feel annoyed if a nursery workers said no to a boy if he asked. Didn’t mean it was role play- just daily interactions. The fact is most girls do like having their hair done and feeling pretty. Some don’t and no nursery worker should force a child to have anything added to their hair they don’t like but girls definitely do gravitate to bows and ribbons when small, even at 14 months because they are colourful and feel nice to touch.

Get a grip. Jesus Christ. Seriously? There are much more important things to get worked up about than a little bow in your child’s hair at nursery.

I’m not saying it’s not a hard job. I’d hate it. That’s why it’s often uneducated people who go into these kind of jobs. Most of the people are my child’s nursery had very limited qualifications and, yes, weren’t very bright. Doesn’t mean they weren’t good carers or kind people. It just means they probably didn’t think long or hard about the implications of reinforcing gender roles. It’s not that deep.

wtf. What does being a same sex couple have to do with anything? You know lesbians can look like anything they want to don’t you? There’s not a dress code.

Bright enough for you to leave your precious children with them though?

How did you know what qualifications they had?

I used to lecture in childcare, those degrees are handed out like toilet paper, 90% of the staff would not get even the most basic degree in any other subject.