I don't know if I'm overreacting, older sibling left younger sibling

[ThePuffinMan]

I have a tendency to overreact and catastrophize with my oldest, which I am working on but just wanted to get a sense check on this situation.

My DS has just started senior school, it's a bus ride away on the other side of the city. Bus stop next to the school and close to our house so not a difficult journey but DS isn't particularly travel savvy (ADHD and Dyslexia). His older sibling is in Y9 at the same school and I'd asked her to get the bus home with him for the first two weeks of term. Not sit with him or pay him on the bus, just make sure he gets on the bus and off at the right stop. I'd emphasized to both that this was temporary while DS gets his bearings, 1-2 weeks maximum. DD is single minded in that she tries to get the bus straight after school, so no chatting to friends, makes sure she has everything from her locker before last lesson and zooms out of last lesson quick as she can. I'd warned DS not to take too much time getting out of school but has also said to DD that obviously he might not be as quick, given he's so new.

Today is day 2, DD arrived home alone and said she had forgotten her phone this morning and didn't see DS at the stop so she didn't know what to do and just came straight home. I can tell by the time she got home she clearly got the bus which leaves a few minutes after school finishes so hadn't waited more than 5mins before abandoning DS. I panicked when I realised what had happened, DS wasn't picking up his phone and I didn't know if he would but waiting around school or the bus stop for DD or whether he would know to get on the bus without her. Long story short one of DDs friends saw him and realised what happened so she got the bus with him. All fine in the end.

I sent DD upstairs and haven't spoken to her yet, I am so disappointed she left him there. I think the fact she didn't even wait 5mins is awful. The buses come every 15/20mins so if you miss one it's not the end of the world.

I'm just curious to see how annoyed other people would be. It's only the second day and I had made it clear it wasn't going to be for long. She's not getting this early bus with friends as most don't get out in time. AIBU in being angry with her?

Hmm did she agree to the arrangement?

It's not your daughters responsibility, she clearly does not want to do this either so you need to take the expectation off her.

Her rigidity speaks of her own possible ND issues you haven't picked up on as well.

Did you not do some practice runs with your son yourself?
Why did your son not answer his phone? He needs to be responsible for himself which means remembering to turn his phone on after school and ringer on.

She did. No arguments or anything.

I wouldn’t be too cross with her. but i would just reiterate the request. TBH I’m impressed that a 13 year old forgets their phone. Who knew that was a thing?

She's not his keeper. You know she wants to get out of school sharpish. It's her brother that needs to play to her schedule with this one, if he is the one that wants help getting on the bus. She shouldn't have to wait on him and carry anxiety about his actions and whereabouts.

Make sure you care as much about your daughter's day, wellbeing, struggles and needs as much as you do your sons. Make sure you're not expecting her to care and nurture others as a priority just because she's female. It's a lot on small shoulders - and she is still a child herself.

Hmmmn. I actually think she should have waited really. But I also think it will sour things quite badly going forward if you get cross with her.

There will be other kids there who don't have older siblings to rely on, so I would just abdicate her of all responsibility and try and make ds look after himself - he's done two days now: he knows where the bus stop is and if you make sure he has his phone (charged) with him each day then you can make sure he gets home okay.

Don't get angry with your dd. It won't serve any purpose even though I can see why you might feel angry. She clearly doesn't want the responsibility and clearly getting the early bus is super important to her - possibly she can't bear school a minute longer and really actually needs to get home to decompress.

If you think your DS needs help getting to and from school, you need to provide that help not get his sister to do it.

Completely unfair to make an older sibling responsible for a younger one unless the older one is begging to take on this responsibility.

I gave DS1 an earful at the same age as he had found a lost Y7 (missed bus stop) with a dead phone. He had phoned the child’s mother but hadn’t waited with them until they were pick up (10 mins). I told him he could file that under could do better.

I was the eldest and hated being having to change my routine. To the extent I started finding reasons to stay in school after lessons. I think you need to pick him up if he needs assistance.

It's not fair to put the responsibility on her. Also, it's only catching a bus. He would have phoned if he had a problem.

I think you're underestimating the pressure she might be feeling to avoid the crowds on the way home. My DD walks but does the same thing, she basically runs out of school in order to avoid the horrendous wave of kids with a just broken out of prison vibe charging out a few mins later. If she's even a few minutes late out of the last lesson she hides in the library for 45mins and won't consider going home in between. Who helped her on the bus? Is it possible she also feels a tiny bit of resentment that she has to be the capable one?

Year 9 seems quite young to be in charge of a younger sibling with additional needs, but also, she’s a young teen, it’s the start of term, they’re all over the place.

I think in so far as this arrangement goes the onus is on you to ensure she does have her phone with her.

Give her a break. It’s the start of term, she’s got to nanny her annoying younger brother when she’d probably prefer to hang with her friends.

YABU. She isn't his keeper and you shouldn't be angry with her for his mistakes.

If DS needs help he needs to get the bus his sister gets. She is obviously choosing that bus for a reason and it's been a priority to her. Why should she have to wait for her brother.

I think you're in danger of seeming to favourite your DS over DD and that won't help anything at all.

She is ND (autistic), diagnosed before DS.

Yes, I did practice with DS over the summer. I was more worried he would wait for his sister as that was the plan, maybe he thought she hadn't come out yet and he would just wait, rather than him being unable to get home IYSWIM. Their school is not in a familiar area. I have spoken to him about the phone issue. He didn't call or check his phone as he knows it's only for emergencies on the school route. Because DDs friend saw him and said he should just get he bus with her he didn't really think it was an issue, he wouldn't have connected the dots DD would arrive before him and I would be worried, as far as he was concerned he was just getting the bus home.

I know it's not her responsibility hence letting them know it was for a week or two. She also was fine with the plan, generally no problems letting me know when she doesn't want to do something! If she had said she wouldn't wait I would have made sure DS knew to just make his own way home. It's more there was a plan and she has deviated because she didn't want to wait for 15mins.

Hmmm... if ds can't manage to get the bus himself then you need to make provision for that, either get him yourself or organise with someone prepared to (and pay them accordingly), it's not your dds job, it would be nice if she offered but ds is your responsibility not hers

I would be cross too. I think it's unkind of her to leave him on his 2nd day.

It's not like she's doing this forever, it's a favour for her little brother for a couple of weeks.

From experience though, if the older one is reluctant, it helps if you incentivise them to help out. For instance I pay my elder child to look after the younger one sometimes.

Jeez it's 2 weeks. Why can't she put herself out for him? She knew damn well if he wasn't on that first bus that she took then he'd be behind her phone or no phone.
Yes I'd be pissed off with her.

So what if she was fine with the plan - she’s much too young to know if she can handle this kind of responsibility. Please don’t put responsibility for this on her (also ND!! Why were you thinking?!) just because she agreed to it. She doesn’t know what she’s agreeing to.

It's more there was a plan and she has deviated because she didn't want to wait for 15mins.

She is autistic and you expect her to adjust the routine she’s built up over a couple of years because you’re more concerned about her brother? You do realise that it’s a bit more complex than “she didn’t want to wait” - her brother needed to adapt to her routine.

You need to take on this responsibility until he's capable.
DD has her routine, my daughter would wait on her Dbro in this situation.

You know she is autistic and has a set after school routine. I think it’s one of those situations where in hindsight it should become obvious that your plan probably wasn’t going to work.

I think I'd just have made the comment she could have been a kinder sister and that one day sheight need her brother's help.

Yes YABU and overreacting. HTH

Don’t be angry with her. She made a mistake and it doesn’t seem like she was being malicious. I think what this shows you is that she can’t make good decisions about what to do if things don’t go exactly to plan, as in she didn’t see her brother right away and made a bad call on how to handle that. Her autism is surely a factor, given she was happy to take on the responsibility. You could try to coach them through it, or make a new plan. A meeting point away from the bus stop maybe?