I don't know if I'm overreacting, older sibling left younger sibling

[ThePuffinMan]

I have a tendency to overreact and catastrophize with my oldest, which I am working on but just wanted to get a sense check on this situation.

My DS has just started senior school, it's a bus ride away on the other side of the city. Bus stop next to the school and close to our house so not a difficult journey but DS isn't particularly travel savvy (ADHD and Dyslexia). His older sibling is in Y9 at the same school and I'd asked her to get the bus home with him for the first two weeks of term. Not sit with him or pay him on the bus, just make sure he gets on the bus and off at the right stop. I'd emphasized to both that this was temporary while DS gets his bearings, 1-2 weeks maximum. DD is single minded in that she tries to get the bus straight after school, so no chatting to friends, makes sure she has everything from her locker before last lesson and zooms out of last lesson quick as she can. I'd warned DS not to take too much time getting out of school but has also said to DD that obviously he might not be as quick, given he's so new.

Today is day 2, DD arrived home alone and said she had forgotten her phone this morning and didn't see DS at the stop so she didn't know what to do and just came straight home. I can tell by the time she got home she clearly got the bus which leaves a few minutes after school finishes so hadn't waited more than 5mins before abandoning DS. I panicked when I realised what had happened, DS wasn't picking up his phone and I didn't know if he would but waiting around school or the bus stop for DD or whether he would know to get on the bus without her. Long story short one of DDs friends saw him and realised what happened so she got the bus with him. All fine in the end.

I sent DD upstairs and haven't spoken to her yet, I am so disappointed she left him there. I think the fact she didn't even wait 5mins is awful. The buses come every 15/20mins so if you miss one it's not the end of the world.

I'm just curious to see how annoyed other people would be. It's only the second day and I had made it clear it wasn't going to be for long. She's not getting this early bus with friends as most don't get out in time. AIBU in being angry with her?

You know your children better than me, but what strikes me is did you very explicitly talk through waiting for each other if one missed the bus? Especially given the autism element, I guess that your daughter hadn't given any thought to your son missing the bus, she had assumed she would do her routine and he would fit in with her. If this isn't what you mean, then you need to be very explicit that she is meeting him and possibly pay her something to do it. If her normal routine is come out quickly and take the first bus, but your son doesn't want to rush, then I think you should be offering her some money to babysit her brother, because this is essentially what she is doing if she is expected to change her daily routine to fit with his.

I agree with this and in one of your posts, OP, I think it’s telling that you referred to your dd ‘abandoning’ your ds — such loaded language seems dramatic and unfair of you. She’s just a kid herself.

I agree with this. It seems like your older son may be capable of doing this if everything goes exactly the way he expects it to, but if something unexpected happens he can't deal with it.

It's not the end of the world, but I think you owe him an apology.

I haven't read the whole thread, so others have likely already said this but...
You are a parent.
Your older child is not a parent, they are not a guardian or carer, they are not a paid Nanny, au pair or baby sitter.

If you want your younger child to be accompanied then accompany them yourself or arrange for their other parent / guardian to do so or pay a nanny.

Your treatment of your elder child is disgusting. You should apologise and make sure to do better going forward.

Your current behavior is likely to cause resentment between the siblings.

I think with a neurotypical kid I’d be pissed off - I would expect a neurotypical teenager to manage to look out for another person for a couple of weeks. With an autistic kid I’m not so sure, though.

He got home about 10mins before I posted. I don't think it was wrong to send him upstairs (before I'd even located DS) as I didn't want to knee jerk reaction at him. I've spoken to him since, for one thing to tell him his brother was home. I haven't given him the silent treatment but yes I did take some space before talking to him.

You gave him the silent treatment. You may have felt that was better than a knee jerk reaction, but that's what you did.

You appear to have zero sympathy for the fact not having his phone left him not knowing what to do - a scenario you should have equipped them for.

Your first line in your OP says that you tend to overreact with regard to him - it seems in this case you're overreacting at him.

You expected an autistic teen to take on your role (the one you took with him when he started), which involved a change of routine and today the unexpected issue of the phone, and I've no idea why you're surprised it didn't work.

So your older DC is autistic, and you did the journey with them to start with. You’re now placing that responsibility for your younger DS on you autistic Dc. This is very unfair, it’s your responsibility not your DCs. You should accompany your younger DC.

If ateen goes to much that effort to catch a certain bus, there is likely a good reason for it. So expecting them to not catch their bus might be a bit much really.

I don’t think it makes much difference if eldest is girl or boy. 13 years old and autistic is the thing which means they should not be told off or treated coldly for sticking to their routine which is a typical autism trait. If you feel the summer baby youngest needs support to get bus it’s on you to provide it via you or another adult. Don’t make your autistic child’s school experience any harder than it likely already is!

If your daughter is ND herself, then I suspect she rushes to catch the first bus home, because she doesn't like the crowds/noise. She's in a routine and adjusting it to accommodate her brother might not be an easy thing to do. It might be that she agreed because she genuinely wanted to help her brother, but when he wasn't at the bus stop, she became anxious, and couldn't wait. If your son has made the trip to/from school, so at least knows where to catch the bus, could he do this without his sister? There's no guarantee your son is going to be able to get out from his last lesson quick enough to meet his sister. You daughter clearly is going to find waiting for him difficult, even if it's only for a couple of weeks. I would suggest you talk to your daughter, and find out if waiting for her brother is making her anxious. It may be that your plan isn't going to work, and your son will have to come home on his own or you'll need to meet him.

No wonder we're raising a generation of selfish snowflakes looking at these responses. He's her BROTHER - she should have waited for him. I'd tell her I'm hugely disappointed in her.

Responsibility and looking after younger kids in such a minor way (especially siblings, extra-especially siblings with SEN) isn't "damaging" to kids. You're not asking her to handle toxic waste. You're asking her to be a decent human being and look after her little brother until he finds his feet.

Have you read the updates? The older child also has SEN, but OP doesn’t seem to want to make allowances for that.

Honestly , I'd be annoyed too. Families help each other other or at least they do where I'm from. Older siblings look out for younger ones even though it's 'not their job' . I wouldn't make a drama Lama out of it but I'd remind her that the route is new to him and ask her to wait for him for a week or so till he find his feet.
Just crossed wires this time I think.

The older brother (OP changed the sexes) is also SEN and has a diagnosis of autism. Expecting him to change his routine during a time of extreme change (new school year) was always unrealistic.

OP should have accompanied her younger son in the same way she accompanied her elder one.

Admitting that you would be "hugely disappointed" in an autistic teenager for not being able to change their routine is a pretty shitty thing to admit to, BTW.

So, the fact that the older son has SEN himself isn't a consideration? He should just set that aside somehow?

@LegoPicnic makes no difference in my opinion. Older sibling isn't being asked to look after the younger for a week whilst mum goes to Vegas. Being ND isn't a get out of jail free card. And I say that as an ND person.

Shame you don’t have more understanding that ND impacts people in different ways then

So did the younger child get home ok?

extra-especially siblings with SEN

All whilst ignoring the 13yos SEN...

That's suddenly irrelevant when babysitting is needed.

This.

My parents used to hold me responsible for my younger sister. I resented her well into adulthood (she has no special needs, but they still held me responsible for her into our twenties), when I finally actually thought properly about our relationship and realised it was actually nothing to do with her personally and all to do with my parents abdicating responsibility and expecting me to do what they should have been doing, and setting up a generally weird dynamic in which she was perpetually infantilised and I was parentified. It did neither of us any good, nor our relationship, obviously.

I do make allowances for him but he's a much more experienced bus traveller. He's been getting various buses over this summer to different parts of the city for his clubs. I really wasn't expecting him to babysit, more just that they would catch the same bus but at any time if older ds had said he wouldn't wait younger would have known to just get the bus himself. They've been talking about the bus over the holidays so ample opportunity to mention that he wasn't happy. Also knowing him he's more than able to tell me if I'm asking something he doesn't want to do.

But fine I've taken all the advice on board. I've spoken to both and we've got a new plan. Which is they don't wait for each other at all.

I'm seeing this entirely differently to some in here. It's not even about being responsible for getting her brother home in a sense, but about keeping promises. She agreed to meet someone and left them in the lurch. Not okay, he might have waited for her and gotten worried when she didn't turn up. That would equally apply to a friend.

There's also a discussion about it not being DDs responsibility. I think teens do have responsibilities to their parents and to their siblings and if her brother needed someone to take the bus with him and she was already there in the same place and fully capable of doing what was required, then of course she should help him. Families look out for each other, even when it's inconvenient.

But fine I've taken all the advice on board. I've spoken to both and we've got a new plan. Which is they don't wait for each other at all.

Well done for taking it all on board.

Stop making your dd responsible for your child.
You are going to build up.maddive resentment between them.
Your catastrophising is not her problem.

He did, he was fine with the journey. As I've said I just didn't want him hanging around for older sibling if they'd left. Most kids get picked up or school bus (private school) so there's not loads getting that bus.