I don't know if I'm overreacting, older sibling left younger sibling

[ThePuffinMan]

I have a tendency to overreact and catastrophize with my oldest, which I am working on but just wanted to get a sense check on this situation.

My DS has just started senior school, it's a bus ride away on the other side of the city. Bus stop next to the school and close to our house so not a difficult journey but DS isn't particularly travel savvy (ADHD and Dyslexia). His older sibling is in Y9 at the same school and I'd asked her to get the bus home with him for the first two weeks of term. Not sit with him or pay him on the bus, just make sure he gets on the bus and off at the right stop. I'd emphasized to both that this was temporary while DS gets his bearings, 1-2 weeks maximum. DD is single minded in that she tries to get the bus straight after school, so no chatting to friends, makes sure she has everything from her locker before last lesson and zooms out of last lesson quick as she can. I'd warned DS not to take too much time getting out of school but has also said to DD that obviously he might not be as quick, given he's so new.

Today is day 2, DD arrived home alone and said she had forgotten her phone this morning and didn't see DS at the stop so she didn't know what to do and just came straight home. I can tell by the time she got home she clearly got the bus which leaves a few minutes after school finishes so hadn't waited more than 5mins before abandoning DS. I panicked when I realised what had happened, DS wasn't picking up his phone and I didn't know if he would but waiting around school or the bus stop for DD or whether he would know to get on the bus without her. Long story short one of DDs friends saw him and realised what happened so she got the bus with him. All fine in the end.

I sent DD upstairs and haven't spoken to her yet, I am so disappointed she left him there. I think the fact she didn't even wait 5mins is awful. The buses come every 15/20mins so if you miss one it's not the end of the world.

I'm just curious to see how annoyed other people would be. It's only the second day and I had made it clear it wasn't going to be for long. She's not getting this early bus with friends as most don't get out in time. AIBU in being angry with her?

My daughter is ND and has strong feelings about routines and structure. In her mind she would have stuck to the plan as he was late and her bus was there. The issue with this setup is that ND children are notoriously bad at inventing rules. You needed to be more clear about your expectations - ‘you should wait at this stop until your brother arrives.’ Not the ‘please don’t be late for your sister and please look after him’. That sort of conversation would mean nothing to my daughter.

I wouldn’t keep this setup as it’s not fair on her.

I think it's really, really unfair to place this expectation upon a Year 9 Autistic kid.
You opened your post with acknowledging you're prone to overreacting and catastrophising with her.
Are you also ND, OP?

I thought it was just me who thought she could have helped out. What is with being a village and helping but not her brother.

Perhaps she agreed to it because she thought she would be able to do it and it sounded reasonable in principle but when the time came she couldn't. These kinds of things can be extremely stressful for some autistic people.

I think it's better to think about her bus routine as something she needs to do rather than something she wants to do.

Ds doesn't appear to have a need for routine either almost all of the time. He can cope with things changing, and him missing the bus etc.

But what I've gradually realised is that things that don't seem a biggie to other people can't be very stressful for him. If he misses a bus, or the bus doesn't come, he can roll his eyes and cope. But waiting around for someone else, not knowing if they'll be there for the next bus, and seeing his bus go, would really throw him.
I've also increasingly realised how much he needs to get home asap after things like school, even after a good day. He needs to get into his safe space.
When he's got his head set on getting home and into the safe space then asking him to wait 10 minutes when he could be on his way is real agony for him.

I disagree re the comments that she's not his keeper or responsible for him. As an older sibling she had been told to take care of him and she didn't. She doesn't have to agree to do it. At her age it is perfectly reasonable for you to give her instructions. Family should be there for each other. I would point out all the times that you do things to help and support her.
I think that she, however, didn't think things through. Perhaps you needed to be more explicit and say that she must not come home without him. I would tell her that you were disappointed, explain how you then didn't know whether to pick him up or where he was and how stressed you felt. Also remind her how overwhelming starting secondary school can be to start off with. I wouldn't punish her, unless she does it again.

I would be annoyed. It’s not a big ask and he agreed to do it. I’d be clear there would be a consequence if he does it again

You should not put the responsibility on your child, to get your other child home from school. Sorry but that is your job. Imagine the guilt they would feel if anything were to happen to their sibling on the way home, even if it was unavoidable, it's a no no from me.

I don't think it was a bad decision to get your eldest DS out of the way while you got yourself together. I would just speak to him,,explain he is not in trouble and the plan is obviously not going to work, so you will sort something else.

Year 9 is 13-14 yrs old. She's not to young imo, there are other things going on here.

I disagree, from the perspective of being the younger sibling (I'm AuDHD) of a sibling (also AuDHD).
My sister (2 years above) was expected to look out for me when I first went to secondary, including ensuring I got home for the first few weeks.
She agreed when my Mum asked (told) her because that is what my Mum wanted to hear and she tried hard to be 'okay' with it. It was too much pressure for her, so she gave up.after a few days.
OP said she supported her eldest for the first few days when he (originally posited as 'she' 🙄) started, so not sure why the same could not be done for the DS that has just started).

What would you do if he didn’t have an older sibling at the same school?

"As I say I was more upset DS might have been wandering looking for her because she said she would wait and didn't."

This is the bit I'd be annoyed about too @ThePuffinMan

I would be cross. It's called being family and getting head out your arse and look at other people's needs. She should have waited.

She’s still a child. A ND child at that - cut her some slack. Your DS is perfectly able to catch a bus on his own, and if he isn’t, YOU should be the one to facilitate his return.

You'd be p*** off with an autistic thirteen year old girl who's being given quite a responsibility to get another neurodiverse child home from school?

ND children often thrive on their routine and don't like to deviate from it.It helps them feel safe. Hell even nd adults like routine.

You're asking an autistic thirteen year old girl to not zoom immediately out of school and get straight home which suits her and wait around for a dawdling, eleven year old who doesn't know what he's doing.

I don't think you realize what a responsibility you're putting on her.

Your older child is old enough to know if he agrees to something, he should do it. You asked for 2 weeks only, it wasn't a big ask. On day 2 he didn't even bother. Being ND is not an excuse and I am concerned that so many people think it is. If you let small asks go now, how will he cope in the real world? He needs some sort of consequence.

It's a good thing your younger child didn't wait for his sibling and just got the next bus, so it sounds like he is ok to do this alone, and he can call you if he gets intro trouble, so no need to rely on older child it seems!

so she's ND. How were her first 2 weeks of school? who made sure she got the bus?

but as with pp - it is unreasonable to make her his keeper. Find a better solution (you were home when she got in, why can't you go and meet him?)

Completely unacceptable behaviour. Your number one priority as a family is to look after each other.

Ignore the absolutely terrible parents who are replying that “she gets a choice”. She doesn’t. She does what her parents tell her to do.

Ground her for a week.

As an aside I would put “find my phone” or 360 on his phone so you can see if he is on his way home.

Thankfully you're not her mother. Did you read the part where she's autistic too?

Who was looking after her when she first went to school?Nobody I bet.

Id be more annoyed if she had disappeared on a primary aged sibling not one in secondary school. Sorry but you're being unreasonable. If your autistic DD can manage then so can your ADHD DS, unless his needs means he cannot use public transport alone then its on you not her to get him to and from school.

I don’t think I would be angry but just surprised if a little disappointed that they themselves didn’t feel the need to wait and check on their younger brother themselves. But maybe if they are on the spectrum that doesn’t necessarily factor for them.
I do think an older sibling should have a certain level of responsibility personally. I’m a middle child and would always look out for my younger siblings and my older brother and sister did for me, it’s natural. Would I be angry though no.

😂😂😂 are you serious?!! And FYI, OP has confirmed that both DC are boys.

Well, she shouldn't have lied in her first post then should she.