I don't know if I'm overreacting, older sibling left younger sibling

[ThePuffinMan]

I have a tendency to overreact and catastrophize with my oldest, which I am working on but just wanted to get a sense check on this situation.

My DS has just started senior school, it's a bus ride away on the other side of the city. Bus stop next to the school and close to our house so not a difficult journey but DS isn't particularly travel savvy (ADHD and Dyslexia). His older sibling is in Y9 at the same school and I'd asked her to get the bus home with him for the first two weeks of term. Not sit with him or pay him on the bus, just make sure he gets on the bus and off at the right stop. I'd emphasized to both that this was temporary while DS gets his bearings, 1-2 weeks maximum. DD is single minded in that she tries to get the bus straight after school, so no chatting to friends, makes sure she has everything from her locker before last lesson and zooms out of last lesson quick as she can. I'd warned DS not to take too much time getting out of school but has also said to DD that obviously he might not be as quick, given he's so new.

Today is day 2, DD arrived home alone and said she had forgotten her phone this morning and didn't see DS at the stop so she didn't know what to do and just came straight home. I can tell by the time she got home she clearly got the bus which leaves a few minutes after school finishes so hadn't waited more than 5mins before abandoning DS. I panicked when I realised what had happened, DS wasn't picking up his phone and I didn't know if he would but waiting around school or the bus stop for DD or whether he would know to get on the bus without her. Long story short one of DDs friends saw him and realised what happened so she got the bus with him. All fine in the end.

I sent DD upstairs and haven't spoken to her yet, I am so disappointed she left him there. I think the fact she didn't even wait 5mins is awful. The buses come every 15/20mins so if you miss one it's not the end of the world.

I'm just curious to see how annoyed other people would be. It's only the second day and I had made it clear it wasn't going to be for long. She's not getting this early bus with friends as most don't get out in time. AIBU in being angry with her?

I have the same arrangement with my DD. She was keen to leave as well but phoned me first to tell me she was going to leave him and I told her to wait.

I know, that's why I did the sense check on MN and didn't react/catastrophize at first.

I'm actually super similar to my oldest which is possibly why I can be a little shorter. I'm working on it as I know it's not good.

I have two kids who are a bit older than yours. My view is that they are just not very good when something unexpected happens. For the simple reason that they just don’t have the life experience to know what to do. Your eldest said he didn’t know what to do so he came home. At least partly so that you could figure it out for him.

I don’t understand why you didn’t do the same with your DS2 as you did with DS1, given that DS2 is younger than DS1 was when he started secondary.

What’s your plan going forward?

I despair for our culture that a year 9 child cant be expected to do a small thing for a sibling. Honestly our atomised society in a nutshell ahd why so many young people are self absorbed

You need to give him credit for coping ok. The situation wasn't ideal but by the sounds of it he managed and is more capable than you think.

My siblings used to do stuff like this for me. My mum would always slip them a fiver for the week or if we were too broke for that she would let them have an extra hour gaming to make it fair.

It’s not really her responsibility to be minding your DS, it’s a nice thing to do, but at the end of the day it’s not her job. I do think you’re overreacting a bit.

It's not fair to expect your DD to shepherd her brother, particularly if he's slow or dawdles, or doesn't respect her timetable.

It would be kind of her to help her brother, but it's not her job.

Even with the updates, I still think yanbu. It's really, really not much to ask, is it? Wait for a sibling for five minutes for the first few days of school?

People are arguing that the eldest's autism diagnosis is relevant in that being asked to do this has thrown out their routine, but OP has pointed out that he actually only manages to get this early bus once or twice a week, most of the time they don't manage to get out in time. So a) it's not like had DS1 waited he would have been hanging around for ages, and b) he doesn't have a 'set routine' that was disrupted by getting the later bus, the later bus is the bus he gets most often anyway.

While people are saying that the OP expects too much of DS1 given he is also diagnosed, it's equally important not to infantilise DC with autism. DS1 has been catching the bus alone for 2 years, she's not asking him for anything majorly disruptive or intimidating, just make sure his younger brother is also on the same bus he normally gets himself anyway. Key to me is the fact that he agreed to do it, and then changed his mind on day 2! OP said he doesn't have a problem saying if he doesn't want to do something.

Autism can absolutely be an issue in terms of disruptive routine, following instructions etc but there's not any proven link between autism and being selfish - in fact it's very common for people with autism to be very hot on doing the 'right' thing and if you've said X will happen then X SHOULD happen. In this case DS1 agreed to do X and then didn't, so he's the one disrupting the routine/agreement.

It was likely the phone that threw the routine. The older child wanted or to them needed to get home NOW because another part of their day had gone wrong.

Yes, let's just totally ignore the Year 9's autism and need for routine and rush in to criticise, shall we?

I think it’s rubbish being the eldest and asked to take on parenting responsibilities …why is exactly is she so keen to get home so fast..that sounds mildly worrying…why is that so important to her?

Wow. YABU.

You seem very rigid in your expectations of your ASD DD.

As someone with autism, let me tell you that there is a massive difference between accepting I missed the bus because of my own actions, and having to miss the bus because of someone else's actions. It's not rational, but it's true.

And yes, she was asking him to do something majorly disruptive - his routine has just changed (end of school holidays, new school year) and now his mum is wanting him to take responsibility for his brother instead of taking that responsibility herself. It may not seem like a big deal for most children, but for someone with autism, it really is. It's not being infantilising to appreciate how important routine is and to allow them to stick with what works.

Also, the DS1 was not being selfish - they were in a desperate need to get out of school because things had gone wrong and that need (which is the same as a physical need in their mind) trumped all else.

Presumably because for many DC with autism, school is incredibly stressful and overwhelming and you just want to get the hell out of there and into your comfort zone (home).

I was that child - I needed to be at home, otherwise it was like an unbearable itch I couldn't scratch and I was stressed beyond belief.

He doesn't actually have a need for routine, he's not textbook autistic (whatever that means 😆). He likes to get back early because he feels put out his friends at a different school get home early. I actually find he's more like descriptions of inattentive ADHD (like me) but his diagnostic team dismissed it.

It's fine though, they are both chilling and comparing teachers now.

I had actually forgotten it in the midst of things but on Tuesday night when I was asking if I should shadow them on the bus it was older DS who actually suggested I didn't and it was better to just get on with it. If I'd remembered that conversation earlier I might have been more annoyed!

Hm, my parents wouldn't have said I had a "need for routine" either at that age, but I definitely did. I just didn't know how to explain it properly.

Obviously you know him best, but don't dismiss it too easily.

All I'm hearing is "I don't understand my son"

He probably didn't want you catching the bus because he'd have died from embarrassment having his Mum there...

but if it was that important for DS1 to catch the first bus he should have explained it to OP when she first asked if he could wait for his brother. She was very clear in explaining that what she was asking might mean a break in his routine and not doing what he wanted/made him comfortable, and he still said yes, even though OP confirmed he's very comfortable otherwise saying no if it's not something he feels comfortable with. It's not as though they'd been getting the early bus every day and she sprung it on him last minute that he'd need to get a late bus today - they got the late bus the day before.

If DS1 is old enough to understand that messing up his routine and what has been agreed will upset him then he's old enough to understand it will also upset his little brother, but he did it anyway.

I understand that his autism can explain why he did it, but for me it doesn't magically absolve him of all fault, responsibility and care for others. You can have understandable reasons for doing something but doesn't make it the right thing to do. I think it's fine for OP to understand why he did it, but also be disappointed both that he didn't look out for his brother and went back on what he had voluntarily agreed.

It's not a black and white scenario where either party was completely wrong or completely right. You can appreciate that it's not fair for an autistic child to react the exact same way/hold them to the same standard as a neurotypical one, but that doesn't mean you have to go the completely opposite way and have no expectations of them at all and say they can't be blamed from/learn anything. It is possible to be autistic and be capable of prioritising others' comfort over your own.

I got that...but he knew that meant he would get the bus with younger ds. As I say I hadn't even remembered that conversation until now but it was actually older DS encouraging me not to come along and he would sort out younger DS. If I'd remembered that conversation I probably wouldn't have asked if I was unreasonable in the first case!

Sending your child to their room and giving them silent treatment isnt reacting and catastrophizing? I sent DD upstairs and haven't spoken to her yet, I am so disappointed she left him there....

The DS is only 14 - he's not going to be able to understand the importance of sticking to his routine yet. I'm 36 and still have shutdowns when my routine is disturbed (yes, even if I know about it in advance). It's not something I can easily explain to another person and I certainly couldn't have explained it to anyone at fourteen, that's for sure.

I guess I feel that the DS shouldn't have ever been put in that situation in the first place, which is why I'm empathetic to him. OP should be disappointed with herself for not putting the right support in place for both her children on the first day, not disappointed in her eldest for not taking on that role.

I also never said anything about having no expectations but they need to be realistic, which these ones weren't.

You panicked, understandably so.

I don’t think your DS will be psychologically damaged because you were unreasonably sharp with him. Make your peace with him, explain why you were so upset and why it matters that he sticks to a commitment, and work out what you’re going to do tomorrow.

Well he made it home fine so do you think there’s a chance you’re just underestimating him.

although on the other hand if you’re so concerned and school is in such an unfamiliar area (why?) did you not prep him with somethings that could happen outside of plan A and ask how he would deal with them?

it sounds like you asked too much from your daughter but you don’t seem to understand that.

I have prepped both for the unexpected, delayed bus, cancelled services, forgetting money for fare. I just hadn't prepped for the older sibling not doing what they had said on the 2nd day. I possibly do also underestimate DS11.

So I agree with most people, although I don't think seeing 14yo DS at the door without his brother (I actually thought they were playing a prank) and sending him to his room for a bit (with TV and PC and his lost phone) is that terrible whilst I rang DS11 and tried to figure out what I should do. I didn't shout, beat him or cry, I just asked him to go upstairs. I didn't give him the silent treatment, I knew I was emotional so I made sure DS didn't bear the brunt.