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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't know if I'm overreacting, older sibling left younger sibling

189 replies

ThePuffinMan · 04/09/2025 17:44

I have a tendency to overreact and catastrophize with my oldest, which I am working on but just wanted to get a sense check on this situation.

My DS has just started senior school, it's a bus ride away on the other side of the city. Bus stop next to the school and close to our house so not a difficult journey but DS isn't particularly travel savvy (ADHD and Dyslexia). His older sibling is in Y9 at the same school and I'd asked her to get the bus home with him for the first two weeks of term. Not sit with him or pay him on the bus, just make sure he gets on the bus and off at the right stop. I'd emphasized to both that this was temporary while DS gets his bearings, 1-2 weeks maximum. DD is single minded in that she tries to get the bus straight after school, so no chatting to friends, makes sure she has everything from her locker before last lesson and zooms out of last lesson quick as she can. I'd warned DS not to take too much time getting out of school but has also said to DD that obviously he might not be as quick, given he's so new.

Today is day 2, DD arrived home alone and said she had forgotten her phone this morning and didn't see DS at the stop so she didn't know what to do and just came straight home. I can tell by the time she got home she clearly got the bus which leaves a few minutes after school finishes so hadn't waited more than 5mins before abandoning DS. I panicked when I realised what had happened, DS wasn't picking up his phone and I didn't know if he would but waiting around school or the bus stop for DD or whether he would know to get on the bus without her. Long story short one of DDs friends saw him and realised what happened so she got the bus with him. All fine in the end.

I sent DD upstairs and haven't spoken to her yet, I am so disappointed she left him there. I think the fact she didn't even wait 5mins is awful. The buses come every 15/20mins so if you miss one it's not the end of the world.

I'm just curious to see how annoyed other people would be. It's only the second day and I had made it clear it wasn't going to be for long. She's not getting this early bus with friends as most don't get out in time. AIBU in being angry with her?

OP posts:
ladyrushford · 05/09/2025 20:14

My own daughter has ADHD and Autism. I knew she wouldn’t cope with dealing with public transport at the start of year 7 so I applied for transport through the LA and got it. I think, OP, if you are really worried about your ND son coping with public transport then this is something you must look into as well. You might be able to secure something after Christmas as funding is allocated each term. This is assuming that your son has an EHCP in place to support his learning needs at school.

I also think you’re putting a lot of responsibility on your daughter’s shoulders to escort your son home. You’ve essentially parentified your daughter, and your reaction has communicated about how much pressure you’re placing her under. I’d reconsider the arrangement - or offer her an incentive? Not sure what that could be but I don’t think you should punish her over it. I also think you need to address with your son some responsibility here too - he needs to meet his sister by a set time otherwise she leaves. I’m not sure why she should be waiting for him?

Lovehascomeandgone · 05/09/2025 21:25

It’s not really her job is it, it’s yours!

Vanishedwillow · 05/09/2025 21:34

ILoveWhales · 05/09/2025 20:02

Well, she shouldn't have lied in her first post then should she.

Show quote history

Does it make a difference, then? Hmm…

Indicateyourintentions · 05/09/2025 21:46

It’s perfectly fine for siblings to look out for each other. Something to be nurtured I would hazard. Doesn’t mean a lifetime of servitude of one to the other.
You sound like a great mum.

Kevintheelf80 · 05/09/2025 21:52

Of course she should have waited for him, I don't think that's too much to ask. She is his sister for goodness sake! I would expect even a friend to wait longer than 2 minutes then just sack off the arrangement. I'd be furious

Sadworld23 · 05/09/2025 22:30

OneFootAfterTheOther · 04/09/2025 17:55

I gave DS1 an earful at the same age as he had found a lost Y7 (missed bus stop) with a dead phone. He had phoned the child’s mother but hadn’t waited with them until they were pick up (10 mins). I told him he could file that under could do better.

But at least he did do something, perhaps not to judge too harshly?

T1Dmama · 06/09/2025 00:36

Download Life360 on yours and his phone, just the free version works great!… it allows you to see where he is and alleviates worry.
if you and your children are all in the same family group on there they will also be able to see where you are and each other… so your DS can see whether his sis has already got in the bus or not and vice versa. The free version also alerts you when they leave it arrive home. I set it up when my DD did her Duke of edinburgh, and it was such a reassurance, especially as she has a medical condition, if I’d needed to it would take me to the exact spot where she was - a godsend!
Also great when we leave our phones home as the other can say ‘yep it’s at home don’t worry!’ …

As for your DD …. Chat to hee calmly over the weekend and ask if she could please wait for her DB… maybe suggest she just does it for a couple of days… but actually does she dash out and catch the earlier one because she can’t cope with all the other students being on the bus with her? Because maybe she really can’t cope with the later bus? Maybe one of your daughters friends can keep an eye out for a few days and thank her and give her something for being so helpful.

LIttleMissTickles · 06/09/2025 00:36

Wow MN is weird and cruel today to OP’s! Your expectation was perfectly reasonable OP and of course your YR9 can look out for her little brother for a few days. It’s not too much to ask and she agreed. I would also be annoyed but you will have to just have a chat with her and then let it go. But the reaction from people on here is cruel!

PollyBell · 06/09/2025 00:38

It is up to you to organise this not a sibling

PaxAeterna · 06/09/2025 01:06

I think your expectation was fine. In a family we all watch out for each other. I think it’s ok to expect the older ones to show a bit of support to the younger ones. She also agreed to it.

However as you mentioned she is autistic, I wonder is she wedded to this routine of hers? I wouldn’t be cross but I’d sit down with her and try and figure out a plan that works better for her, like meeting elsewhere. Or is this later bus too busy for her? Or is she annoyed to be providing support that she didn’t get herself? I’d basically find out what the problem is, see if you can come to some solution.

pollymere · 06/09/2025 01:11

People with ASD are usually people pleasers. She may have externally told you it was okay whilst internally freaking out at having to catch the later more crowded bus. You need to consider her in this too, I'm afraid.

ItsNotMeEither · 06/09/2025 05:23

Honestly, I'd go gently with your older son. They're not a lot older and also thrown off by not having their phone. No punishment, but a chat to them about younger son only being 11 and being worried about them.

As a teacher, I totally understand why your older DS rushes to the bus. Where I am, bus behaviour is like a very bad zoo. I know bus travel is the only way for so many, but I'd honestly hate it myself. As you've noted, not many kids make it out in time for that first bus. That alone will mean that the first bus is a lot calmer than the one after it.

Some teens seem to revel in the 'lively' bus journey, while others would hate it. Pretty easy to guess which group your older son is in. I'd even suspect that he may be bullied or find himself a target of some 'jokes' on the later bus. This rush for the early bus may be less of a quirk and more about survival (at least metaphorically).

Reiterate the idea of the younger one getting home safely during the first few weeks, but don't go with any harsh punishments.

Also, remind younger son of the back up plan if they can't find their sibling or they're chatting to new friends and not fast enough, catch the next bus and text you.

Threepeaks2025 · 06/09/2025 05:31

Do you work from home OP?

LandladyofTheValley · 06/09/2025 08:46

I feel very sorry for your DD. You sound like my mother who I went no contact with years ago. You sound like your only concern is your DS, not her. Her feelings aren't considered, just his.
Poor DD!
You may not mean to play favourites but it's how it comes across.

ScartlettSole · 06/09/2025 09:15

Kettledodger · 04/09/2025 18:22

Wow I really can’t believe the amount of people saying that it isn’t her responsibility or that she is “only 13”
OP was only asking for the first week or two not the whole year, it had been agreed with by all involved and she should have waited.
There is nothing wrong with a 13 year old to have a small (with the emphasis on small) amount of responsibility for a sibling. Jeez people get a grip

Who got the bus with the daughter for two weeks? Guessing no one, she just had to sort herself. If she had to, surely her brother can?
Theres nothing wrong with an 11 year getting a bus himself

ILoveWhales · 06/09/2025 10:30

LandladyofTheValley · 06/09/2025 08:46

I feel very sorry for your DD. You sound like my mother who I went no contact with years ago. You sound like your only concern is your DS, not her. Her feelings aren't considered, just his.
Poor DD!
You may not mean to play favourites but it's how it comes across.

Eldest is a boy. She said it was a dd in case it was outing. 🙄

user1492757084 · 06/09/2025 10:43

Both kids are responsible for the mishap.
Your DS more so as he knows his sister is going out of her way to ensure his safety.
Just make sure DS knows what to do when his sister forgets him. Keep an instruction note in his pocket.
He is old enought to sort it.
DD would have been doing her best and everyone's best is not the same.

jdb9803 · 06/09/2025 11:23

Who helped your daughter when she was in yr7?

IsItSnowing · 06/09/2025 11:36

It's not your dd's responsibility to parent her sibling. If you don't think he can manage to get to and from school on his own you should be supervising him yourself.
Now you're punishing her because she isn't a responsible parent which is completely unreasonable.
I'm guessing this is not the only time you've put on her in this way.

7372RR · 06/09/2025 11:50

jdb9803 · 06/09/2025 11:23

Who helped your daughter when she was in yr7?

OP did - and her eldest is a boy too she has confirmed

Hallywally · 06/09/2025 13:23

She’s too young & it’s not fair. Even if she was older, the onus is on you to help him. What would you do if she didn’t go to the same school or he didn’t have an older sibling? You could at least have offered to pay her or buy her something for the extra responsibility.

thevassal · 06/09/2025 18:01

I'm genuinely surprised that so many posters, who clearly haven't read OP's updates as they are still referring to the elder child as a DD and don't know she is also autistic STILL think it's 'too much' to expect an older sibling to do.

Literally just waiting at the bus stop for the bus they catch themselves anyway and check their younger sibling also gets on that bus, is too much or 'not fair' for a 13/14 year old? What happened to family members helping each other out? What happened to 13/14 year olds babysitting for much younger children?

No wonder so many kids today are so useless and pampered. They could legally join the army, work full time, have a child of their own in less than three years, but this absolute minimum element of responsibility and care is apparently beyond them.

Goldenbear · 06/09/2025 18:11

thevassal · 06/09/2025 18:01

I'm genuinely surprised that so many posters, who clearly haven't read OP's updates as they are still referring to the elder child as a DD and don't know she is also autistic STILL think it's 'too much' to expect an older sibling to do.

Literally just waiting at the bus stop for the bus they catch themselves anyway and check their younger sibling also gets on that bus, is too much or 'not fair' for a 13/14 year old? What happened to family members helping each other out? What happened to 13/14 year olds babysitting for much younger children?

No wonder so many kids today are so useless and pampered. They could legally join the army, work full time, have a child of their own in less than three years, but this absolute minimum element of responsibility and care is apparently beyond them.

A majority of year 9s are going to be 13, it's quite young to have that level of expectation, plus there's only 2 years between them. It is nice to want siblings to look out for each other but I personally think that is something that happens a bit older. My 18 year old will do occasional staying in with his young teen sister if DH and I want to go out in the evening but he's an adult and more than 4 years older than her so it is a bit different. Saying that, even with him, he needs to be reminded again and again so that he doesn't make plans and go out.

7372RR · 06/09/2025 18:25

Goldenbear · 06/09/2025 18:11

A majority of year 9s are going to be 13, it's quite young to have that level of expectation, plus there's only 2 years between them. It is nice to want siblings to look out for each other but I personally think that is something that happens a bit older. My 18 year old will do occasional staying in with his young teen sister if DH and I want to go out in the evening but he's an adult and more than 4 years older than her so it is a bit different. Saying that, even with him, he needs to be reminded again and again so that he doesn't make plans and go out.

Show quote history

What "level of expectation"?

Babysitting your sibling for an evening and waiting for 5 minutes for your brother to get the bus with you (for max of 2 weeks) are not the same.

Sirzy · 06/09/2025 18:32

7372RR · 06/09/2025 18:25

What "level of expectation"?

Babysitting your sibling for an evening and waiting for 5 minutes for your brother to get the bus with you (for max of 2 weeks) are not the same.

Show quote history

For an autistic young person being expected to change their routine when they are just going back to school can be a massive level of expectation!