I don't know if I'm overreacting, older sibling left younger sibling

[ThePuffinMan]

I have a tendency to overreact and catastrophize with my oldest, which I am working on but just wanted to get a sense check on this situation.

My DS has just started senior school, it's a bus ride away on the other side of the city. Bus stop next to the school and close to our house so not a difficult journey but DS isn't particularly travel savvy (ADHD and Dyslexia). His older sibling is in Y9 at the same school and I'd asked her to get the bus home with him for the first two weeks of term. Not sit with him or pay him on the bus, just make sure he gets on the bus and off at the right stop. I'd emphasized to both that this was temporary while DS gets his bearings, 1-2 weeks maximum. DD is single minded in that she tries to get the bus straight after school, so no chatting to friends, makes sure she has everything from her locker before last lesson and zooms out of last lesson quick as she can. I'd warned DS not to take too much time getting out of school but has also said to DD that obviously he might not be as quick, given he's so new.

Today is day 2, DD arrived home alone and said she had forgotten her phone this morning and didn't see DS at the stop so she didn't know what to do and just came straight home. I can tell by the time she got home she clearly got the bus which leaves a few minutes after school finishes so hadn't waited more than 5mins before abandoning DS. I panicked when I realised what had happened, DS wasn't picking up his phone and I didn't know if he would but waiting around school or the bus stop for DD or whether he would know to get on the bus without her. Long story short one of DDs friends saw him and realised what happened so she got the bus with him. All fine in the end.

I sent DD upstairs and haven't spoken to her yet, I am so disappointed she left him there. I think the fact she didn't even wait 5mins is awful. The buses come every 15/20mins so if you miss one it's not the end of the world.

I'm just curious to see how annoyed other people would be. It's only the second day and I had made it clear it wasn't going to be for long. She's not getting this early bus with friends as most don't get out in time. AIBU in being angry with her?

Did an older sibling take dd home when she just started? I suspect that she didn’t really think it through when she didn’t object or did you take her lack of objection as acceptance? Is it possible that
someone made a comment about her brother and that’s why she’s legging it home? I don’t mean something negative btw, I mean if her brother isn’t there then other people won’t be talking about him sort of thing?

My dc got off the bus in that exact same situation. Even though they found their younger sibling annoying.
Yanbu

I think whatever the rights and wrongs you might have to consider what to do if the arrangement doesn't work. If there are regular busses then I'd focus on teaching your son how to manage by himself and to just go at his pace and get whatever bus. If he can't manage the he needs more reliable help.

I would be angry but I wouldn't prolong it. I'd speak to her and then move on.

DS1 (autistic) struggled with DS2's transition more than I anticipated. They'd been to the same primary school, but 2 years apart meant that DS1 definitely considered DS2's arrival to be an unwelcome invasion.

With autism in the equation, it can throw up some unexpected emotions that are hard to anticipate at the planning stage and the older child doubles down in their own routines and struggles with the flexibility to accomodate their sibling.

She is ND (autistic), diagnosed before DS.

I think it sounds like expecting her to change her routine was setting her up to fail really.

She said she didn’t have her phone and didn’t know what to do. No I wouldn’t punish her. What I would do is ask if she was happy to continue the arrangement and explain what I would expect her to do if this happens again e.g. agree with both that if the other isnt at the stop by 4pm (for example) that’s when they head home alone.

To be honest I do the same as @Shitpeas, incentivise bribe my children to do things. If she had known she wouldn’t get a fiver at the end of the week she may have waited longer.

Agree that I can well imagine for an autistic girl at secondary school that sticking to a routine can help her cope better.

I suspected you were going to say she was ASD. The not being sure what to do because he wasn’t there when the bus arrived is exactly something my dd would have done at that age.

If her routine is to get on the first bus, it is extremely difficult for her to break that routine. Add in not being able to reach him because she doesn’t have her phone, and getting on the bus will seem logical.

this is one of those moments where you are just going to have to appreciate that it happened and talk to her calmly about what she might do differently next time. She really didn’t do anything wrong. She just made different choices than the ones you would have preferred.

This to be honest. She has her routine, it was never going to work.

You weren't unreasonable to ask her to do this for a couple of weeks and she's old enough to know she should do what she's agreed to do. I'd tell her that she was unkind to abandon her brother and ask if she can please be sure to get the bus with him for the next few days. And tell DS, in her hearing, that he needs to respect DD's time and be punctual. Also make a plan in private for what to do if DD leaves without him again, so you won't be so worried.

Back in 1976 my mother made the same request if my sister who was in whwtvwr would now call year 11. My sister pointed out to my mum that there had been no one to see her on to the bus when she was 11 and she had coped just fine and she felt I'd cope just as well. That was when there were no mobile phones. I think you are being unfair to your daughter. Your son needs to learn to cope for himself.

Old enough? She’s 13. Maybe only just. And is ND herself. Start of term is full on. Presumably she has her own routine that was disrupted.

And can we stop telling girls they need to be kind?

It’s not her responsibility. There will be other children similar to your ds who don’t have a big sister, and they manage fine.

Yes, you're right. DS is capable of getting the bus and can do so on his own it's just our plan had been for them to be on the same bus for the start of term. I'm just more annoyed she made the plan and was fine with it and then did her own thing practically 1st chance. She has to pelt out to get the early bus (in fact she only manages to get it once or twice a week) so it's unlikely anyone on day 2 will manage that. If she'd said she would wait if the bus came before DS that would have been fine because I'd have just told DS to make his own way home.

As I say I was more upset DS might have been wandering looking for her because she said she would wait and didn't.

But was there someone to help your daughter 2 years ago? I suspect not. So both ND but for some reason the girl has to put herself out to accommodate her brother. That is so unfair.

I'm just more annoyed she made the plan and was fine with it and then did her own thing practically 1st chance

You seem to be completely ignoring that not having her phone left her not knowing what to do.

Back at school, out of her routine because of your request, and then without her phone is a lot to deal with.

This is overkill OP.

The bus goes virtually door to door.

You said you practiced with him over Summer and now your DD has to escort him for two weeks???

She did it on the first day and that should've been enough for you.

Otherwise it's something you need to take responsibility for yourself.

So who helped her on day 2 ?

I really don’t think it is fair that you put this expectation on a 13 year old Dd let alone when she is autistic. I would certainly not shout at her - it was your own expectations here that seem unrealistic given the fact you have a routine driven autistic daughter who likes to get bus early and an adhd son who won’t be as good at time keeping or as routine driven in the same way. If you are worried can you not get bus to meet son? Or ask a grown up at school for support to ensure he gets bus? But perhaps if he had managed to get bus by self this is sign he can do it alone anyway. But either way it should not be autistic DD responsibility

Wow I really can’t believe the amount of people saying that it isn’t her responsibility or that she is “only 13”
OP was only asking for the first week or two not the whole year, it had been agreed with by all involved and she should have waited.
There is nothing wrong with a 13 year old to have a small (with the emphasis on small) amount of responsibility for a sibling. Jeez people get a grip

I think expecting a diagnosed autistic teen to change their routine for their little sibling was setting them both up to fail.

If you don't feel your DS is old enough to get himself to and from school safely, then it's your job as his parent to go with him, or give him a lift etc.

Expecting an autistic 13 year old to change their routine is a big ask.

I'm not suggesting OP shouts at her, but DD had promised to see her brother home, and there's no reason that her mum should not calmly point this out and mention that it was upsetting for her brother.
Of course girls shouldn't be expected to be kind all the time, but that doesn't mean kindness doesn't matter. Thirteen is plenty old enough to see a younger sibling home. I'm sure her mum wouldn't have asked if it was too complicated or stressful for her.
But we obviously disagree on this one and perhaps there's not much to be gained by arguing about it.

Expecting a 13 year old autistic child to change their routine like this is like telling the grass not to grow- it’s not as easy as that.