I don't know if I'm overreacting, older sibling left younger sibling

[ThePuffinMan]

I have a tendency to overreact and catastrophize with my oldest, which I am working on but just wanted to get a sense check on this situation.

My DS has just started senior school, it's a bus ride away on the other side of the city. Bus stop next to the school and close to our house so not a difficult journey but DS isn't particularly travel savvy (ADHD and Dyslexia). His older sibling is in Y9 at the same school and I'd asked her to get the bus home with him for the first two weeks of term. Not sit with him or pay him on the bus, just make sure he gets on the bus and off at the right stop. I'd emphasized to both that this was temporary while DS gets his bearings, 1-2 weeks maximum. DD is single minded in that she tries to get the bus straight after school, so no chatting to friends, makes sure she has everything from her locker before last lesson and zooms out of last lesson quick as she can. I'd warned DS not to take too much time getting out of school but has also said to DD that obviously he might not be as quick, given he's so new.

Today is day 2, DD arrived home alone and said she had forgotten her phone this morning and didn't see DS at the stop so she didn't know what to do and just came straight home. I can tell by the time she got home she clearly got the bus which leaves a few minutes after school finishes so hadn't waited more than 5mins before abandoning DS. I panicked when I realised what had happened, DS wasn't picking up his phone and I didn't know if he would but waiting around school or the bus stop for DD or whether he would know to get on the bus without her. Long story short one of DDs friends saw him and realised what happened so she got the bus with him. All fine in the end.

I sent DD upstairs and haven't spoken to her yet, I am so disappointed she left him there. I think the fact she didn't even wait 5mins is awful. The buses come every 15/20mins so if you miss one it's not the end of the world.

I'm just curious to see how annoyed other people would be. It's only the second day and I had made it clear it wasn't going to be for long. She's not getting this early bus with friends as most don't get out in time. AIBU in being angry with her?

Yes, exactly.

If ds can catch the bus alone I don’t see why you made the arrangement for him and DD to go together for a week or 2?

What arrangement did you have for DD to be met and supported home for the first week or 2 of term? Could you use that arrangement if you feel it would benefit DS?

Quite.

As the younger ADHD sibling of an older ASD brother, please don’t try to force them to help each other out. My mum’s constant attempts to have me help my brother socially and him help me practically have contributed to a completely broken relationship.

I get kindness, I do. But resentment soon sets in if it’s expected.

“I sent DD upstairs and haven't spoken to her yet, I am so disappointed she left him there”.

YABU OP. Feel sorry for your dd being sent to her room like a punishment!

I'm on the fence here as I think that your request in general is fairly reasonable. Isn't that what families do for each other? Help out and take care of each other!

My Mum instructed my brother to walk me to and from school every day for years 7 and 8 (he would have been year 9 and 10) He was under strict instructions to keep an eye on me. She knew that I wasn't streetwise enough and was in my own little world half the time. Turns out, many years later, I'm autistic and have ADHD.

My younger child watches out for their older sibling because the younger one is more streetwise, even though they're both ND. The youngest gets extra pocket money for helping me out.

I also point out that they get rewarded by being driven to their various clubs and activities (something nearly every day even though I'm utterly exhausted from doing it - I literally drive from one end of the county to the other after a day of work so that they can take part in their activity. I leave the house at 8am and get home about 9pm.on that day) because their help with their sibling is very much appreciated.

The same if they get a treat, we point out that they deserve the treat for being nice and helping their sibling.

But, I can see that waiting around could cause your DD difficulties if she doesn't like crowds and likes her routine. Also, not knowing what to do when her brother didn't come out is such a classic thing for an autistic child to come out with.

Don't get annoyed, just remind her you would appreciate her support in this.

You should have practiced the journey with your son until he was confident to manage it himself. It is not your daughter’s responsibility and if they are to travel together then he needs to fit in with her routine. Why should she be later home because he is disorganised? You need to address why he isn’t answering his phone and teach him to be accountable. Put Life360 on his phone that way you can see where he is. None of this is on your daughter and I expect she was told and not asked to be in charge of her sibling.

Im suprised by the amount of people who think a brother shouldnt be expected to help a younger sibling out when they start high school, they are going/ coming home from the same place anyway and its only a short amount of time until they get their bearings, isnt it just a life lesson to being a kind and helpful person.

How did the older child manage then without a sibling to help them get their bearings?

The op said she took the older child, but now there is the option of the brothers going to school together, are you suggesting it would be better for the mum to go on the bus with them both to school? Im sure the older sibling would love that 🤨

Missed the vote but I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I think it is important to encourage our kids to look out for their siblings and friends. The world can be a big and dangerous place for young children and asking for your daughter and son to come home together for the first 1-2 weeks of the new school year was not asking for too much at all but you adding later on that your daughter is autistic herself provides some much needed context. I hope it is all okay now.

If your DS needed that help you should have taken the time in the holidays do it with him. My DS isn’t confident with things like that and that’s what we did.

I think you're being a bit unfair and expecting too much.

If your ds can't get the bus alone, I think you should be meeting him. If he can, then it was alright for her to leave him.

What support did your dd get when starting getting the bus?

Ultimately if it's a matter of practice, then it is your responsibility to have practiced more with him, and it's not fair to be cross with your dd for not filling the gap. I also think you should have planned with both dc what to do in an unexpected situation.

There have been a few more days of term now so hopefully your ds has got the hang of things @ThePuffinMan ?