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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't know if I'm overreacting, older sibling left younger sibling

189 replies

ThePuffinMan · 04/09/2025 17:44

I have a tendency to overreact and catastrophize with my oldest, which I am working on but just wanted to get a sense check on this situation.

My DS has just started senior school, it's a bus ride away on the other side of the city. Bus stop next to the school and close to our house so not a difficult journey but DS isn't particularly travel savvy (ADHD and Dyslexia). His older sibling is in Y9 at the same school and I'd asked her to get the bus home with him for the first two weeks of term. Not sit with him or pay him on the bus, just make sure he gets on the bus and off at the right stop. I'd emphasized to both that this was temporary while DS gets his bearings, 1-2 weeks maximum. DD is single minded in that she tries to get the bus straight after school, so no chatting to friends, makes sure she has everything from her locker before last lesson and zooms out of last lesson quick as she can. I'd warned DS not to take too much time getting out of school but has also said to DD that obviously he might not be as quick, given he's so new.

Today is day 2, DD arrived home alone and said she had forgotten her phone this morning and didn't see DS at the stop so she didn't know what to do and just came straight home. I can tell by the time she got home she clearly got the bus which leaves a few minutes after school finishes so hadn't waited more than 5mins before abandoning DS. I panicked when I realised what had happened, DS wasn't picking up his phone and I didn't know if he would but waiting around school or the bus stop for DD or whether he would know to get on the bus without her. Long story short one of DDs friends saw him and realised what happened so she got the bus with him. All fine in the end.

I sent DD upstairs and haven't spoken to her yet, I am so disappointed she left him there. I think the fact she didn't even wait 5mins is awful. The buses come every 15/20mins so if you miss one it's not the end of the world.

I'm just curious to see how annoyed other people would be. It's only the second day and I had made it clear it wasn't going to be for long. She's not getting this early bus with friends as most don't get out in time. AIBU in being angry with her?

OP posts:
tumblingdowntherabbithole · 04/09/2025 18:25

Hairshare · 04/09/2025 18:12

You weren't unreasonable to ask her to do this for a couple of weeks and she's old enough to know she should do what she's agreed to do. I'd tell her that she was unkind to abandon her brother and ask if she can please be sure to get the bus with him for the next few days. And tell DS, in her hearing, that he needs to respect DD's time and be punctual. Also make a plan in private for what to do if DD leaves without him again, so you won't be so worried.

Tell me you know nothing about autism without telling me...

ARichtGoodDram · 04/09/2025 18:25

And if the responsibility was being given to the 13yo then all of the scenarios should have been run through -

How long to wait, what to do if he didn't turn up, he should have been told what to do if she didn't, what to do if they couldn't get in touch with each other...

Original poster
ThePuffinMan · 04/09/2025 18:25

MyHangryLilacWriter · 04/09/2025 18:19

But was there someone to help your daughter 2 years ago? I suspect not. So both ND but for some reason the girl has to put herself out to accommodate her brother. That is so unfair.

Show quote history

Actually, and I know people will say I'm unreasonable for this DD is actually a DS. I changed some info to avoid being identifying but didn't expect people to latch onto the sex so much. It's two brothers. Doesn't really change anything but all the comments about girls being kind and all that obviously doesn't apply. I expect all three of my boys to be kind anyway.

Yes, I did the journey with DS 2 years ago for about 3 or 4 days until he was comfortable. He's a September bday and younger sibling is a summer baby so possibly that clouds my judgement also. Older DS was 12 by the time he started school whereas younger is not long 11.

OP posts:
ARichtGoodDram · 04/09/2025 18:26

Also the girl didn't just ditch him randomly. Not having her phone messed up her own routine and she said she didn't know what to do.

That's perfectly understandable

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 04/09/2025 18:27

ThePuffinMan · 04/09/2025 18:25

Actually, and I know people will say I'm unreasonable for this DD is actually a DS. I changed some info to avoid being identifying but didn't expect people to latch onto the sex so much. It's two brothers. Doesn't really change anything but all the comments about girls being kind and all that obviously doesn't apply. I expect all three of my boys to be kind anyway.

Yes, I did the journey with DS 2 years ago for about 3 or 4 days until he was comfortable. He's a September bday and younger sibling is a summer baby so possibly that clouds my judgement also. Older DS was 12 by the time he started school whereas younger is not long 11.

Show quote history

So why aren't you doing the journey with your younger DS in the same way? Confused

Kettledodger · 04/09/2025 18:28

Ok giving that OP knows her DD better than anyone on here and felt that she should be able to deal with looking out for her younger brother then maybe she is?

Quitelikeit · 04/09/2025 18:28

What I absolutely disagree with is the fact you are not speaking to her?!

Grow the hell up!

LegoPicnic · 04/09/2025 18:28

Kettledodger · 04/09/2025 18:28

Ok giving that OP knows her DD better than anyone on here and felt that she should be able to deal with looking out for her younger brother then maybe she is?

Parents don’t always have realistic expectations

Caerulea · 04/09/2025 18:29

She is ND (autistic), diagnosed before DS.

After your description of how she leaves school I was looking for this comment.

You're in the wrong here, I'm afraid.

ARichtGoodDram · 04/09/2025 18:29

I sent DD upstairs and haven't spoken to her yet, I am so disappointed she left him there.

This is appalling treatment. Giving a child the silent treatment is disgusting.

Quitelikeit · 04/09/2025 18:29

I understand you asking her but I can’t comprehend your reaction

Are you the parent/adult here?

or the sulky teen?

Hairshare · 04/09/2025 18:30

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 04/09/2025 18:25

Tell me you know nothing about autism without telling me...

Show quote history

Oh for goodness sake. I don't know every single thing about every single person with autism, no. Not everyone with autism is the same.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 04/09/2025 18:30

Kettledodger · 04/09/2025 18:28

Ok giving that OP knows her DD better than anyone on here and felt that she should be able to deal with looking out for her younger brother then maybe she is?

Clearly not, though.

Itdoesntmatteranyway · 04/09/2025 18:31

Not what you are asking but that was really kind of DS friend and if you can I’d let his parents know.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 04/09/2025 18:32

Hairshare · 04/09/2025 18:30

Oh for goodness sake. I don't know every single thing about every single person with autism, no. Not everyone with autism is the same.

Show quote history

I agree, they're not - but maybe you should have a read up on the importance of routine in autism before confidently announcing that it's "not unreasonable" to ask an autistic teenager to change theirs for two weeks during a highly stressful transition period (new school year).

CinnamonBuns67 · 04/09/2025 18:35

Give her a break. She couldn't find him, didn't have a way to communicate with him panicked and came home to tell you. If he cannot get himself to school and home safe on his own, It is your responsibility get him safely to school and home, not hers. You have no right to be angry with her, she's only 2 year older than him and ND herself and having to take responsibility for her brother.

Hairshare · 04/09/2025 18:36

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 04/09/2025 18:32

I agree, they're not - but maybe you should have a read up on the importance of routine in autism before confidently announcing that it's "not unreasonable" to ask an autistic teenager to change theirs for two weeks during a highly stressful transition period (new school year).

Show quote history

This particular teenager agreed to it and her mum thought she would manage.
It's not a crisis, just something for them to talk about and work out a way to manage it in future.

IPM · 04/09/2025 18:37

ThePuffinMan · 04/09/2025 18:25

Actually, and I know people will say I'm unreasonable for this DD is actually a DS. I changed some info to avoid being identifying but didn't expect people to latch onto the sex so much. It's two brothers. Doesn't really change anything but all the comments about girls being kind and all that obviously doesn't apply. I expect all three of my boys to be kind anyway.

Yes, I did the journey with DS 2 years ago for about 3 or 4 days until he was comfortable. He's a September bday and younger sibling is a summer baby so possibly that clouds my judgement also. Older DS was 12 by the time he started school whereas younger is not long 11.

Show quote history

But it's still a virtually door to door bus service that you would've practiced with him many times during the Summer.

His brother escorted him for his first day.

If that's not enough for you, perhaps you should do it?

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 04/09/2025 18:39

Hairshare · 04/09/2025 18:36

This particular teenager agreed to it and her mum thought she would manage.
It's not a crisis, just something for them to talk about and work out a way to manage it in future.

Show quote history

I never said it was a crisis Confused

But it was an unreasonable thing for OP to have asked of her DS to begin with, is my point. Hell, I'm 36 and I still struggle when my routine changes, even when it's a change I've agreed to.

What I think I can cope with and what I can actually cope with are two very, very different things.

Original poster
ThePuffinMan · 04/09/2025 18:39

ARichtGoodDram · 04/09/2025 18:29

I sent DD upstairs and haven't spoken to her yet, I am so disappointed she left him there.

This is appalling treatment. Giving a child the silent treatment is disgusting.

He got home about 10mins before I posted. I don't think it was wrong to send him upstairs (before I'd even located DS) as I didn't want to knee jerk reaction at him. I've spoken to him since, for one thing to tell him his brother was home. I haven't given him the silent treatment but yes I did take some space before talking to him.

OP posts:
LaughingCat · 04/09/2025 18:40

ThePuffinMan · 04/09/2025 17:59

She is ND (autistic), diagnosed before DS.

Yes, I did practice with DS over the summer. I was more worried he would wait for his sister as that was the plan, maybe he thought she hadn't come out yet and he would just wait, rather than him being unable to get home IYSWIM. Their school is not in a familiar area. I have spoken to him about the phone issue. He didn't call or check his phone as he knows it's only for emergencies on the school route. Because DDs friend saw him and said he should just get he bus with her he didn't really think it was an issue, he wouldn't have connected the dots DD would arrive before him and I would be worried, as far as he was concerned he was just getting the bus home.

I know it's not her responsibility hence letting them know it was for a week or two. She also was fine with the plan, generally no problems letting me know when she doesn't want to do something! If she had said she wouldn't wait I would have made sure DS knew to just make his own way home. It's more there was a plan and she has deviated because she didn't want to wait for 15mins.

Show quote history

I think you’re doing well to turn her into a typical ‘eldest daughter’ with everything that entails. Especially if you have form for catastrophisation.

With all your panic…what actually happened? Your perfectly capable 11yo son got home 15 minutes later than your daughter.

I had the same upbringing - my bro and I now keep contact with our mum to a bare minimum. It’s not fun living with her constant anxiety over parts of our lives over which she has no control. At your kids’ age, this story of yours would have been a classic move. You’re not doing them any favours.

You have two ND kids. You’re going to have to meet them where they are - I appreciate it’s terrifying, watching them do their own thing and work out their own challenges but you have to swallow that down and not make them responsible for making you feel secure.

Tell your son that if he doesn’t manage to meet his sister on time to come back in the next two weeks, to send you a text and let you know once he’s on the bus - that way he has a clear instruction to follow (good for ADHD), your daughter isn’t forced to change her routine (good for autism) and you know if the plan has changed (good for your anxiety).

LegoPicnic · 04/09/2025 18:40

Hairshare · 04/09/2025 18:36

This particular teenager agreed to it and her mum thought she would manage.
It's not a crisis, just something for them to talk about and work out a way to manage it in future.

Show quote history

Agree with this being not a crisis and something they need to talk about, but then this from the OP seems an extreme overreaction

“I sent DD upstairs and haven't spoken to her yet,”

BettysRoasties · 04/09/2025 18:40

You have an autistic teen with his set routine. Today he happened to forget his phone likely setting off a whole oh god oh god on his own routine. Waiting around for his little brother who can get a bus was the last thing on his mind when already thrown out of routine.

Bogpinkbear · 04/09/2025 18:41

ARichtGoodDram · 04/09/2025 18:29

I sent DD upstairs and haven't spoken to her yet, I am so disappointed she left him there.

This is appalling treatment. Giving a child the silent treatment is disgusting.

I agree with this too.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 04/09/2025 18:42

ThePuffinMan · 04/09/2025 18:39

He got home about 10mins before I posted. I don't think it was wrong to send him upstairs (before I'd even located DS) as I didn't want to knee jerk reaction at him. I've spoken to him since, for one thing to tell him his brother was home. I haven't given him the silent treatment but yes I did take some space before talking to him.

Show quote history

I think you're blaming your DS for your own failure here.

You admit you accompanied your older child when he first started, so you should be doing the same thing with your younger son - not passing all responsibility to an autistic teen who needs his routine and is going to massively struggle with the change in routine that comes with a new school year as it is.

You should be apologising for putting him in this position to begin with, not ignoring him and sending him to his room.

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