DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

[BlondeSpider]

I do not even know where to start because my head is all over the place. Today was supposed to be such a big day for us. DS is 14 and was due to start at a 14 plus college after being out of school for more than a year. He stopped going back just after Christmas in year 8. His mental health had been declining for a while before that and then I found out he had been self harming. His anxiety was through the roof and it got to the point where he just could not manage. CAMHS were no help at all. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall every time I tried to get support. Eventually I deregistered him from school and homeschooled. It has been very up and down but he is bright and when he is calm he is lovely. I paid privately in the end for an autism assessment because waiting for the NHS was going to take years. He now has a diagnosis which in some ways was a relief but also quite overwhelming.

This summer has been really hard. DS has been difficult to live with. He is angry a lot of the time and everything is an argument. His anxiety is still there and when he is stressed it turns into lashing out verbally and sometimes physically. We have had things thrown, doors slammed, endless shouting matches. It has been exhausting, I think it's mostly due to puberty as he's had a growth spurt recently and his voice has dropped

DD is his twin. She has generally managed better with school and life in general but she has been struggling too, especially with his behaviour. She loves him and worries about him and is quite protective over him. She was supposed to be starting year 10 today which is a big year with GCSEs coming up.

This morning they both set out together for the bus stop. DS was nervous but I felt cautiously hopeful. It felt like maybe this was a turning point. But they never went. They did not get on the bus and they were gone most of the day. They ignored my calls and texts and would not say where they were. When they finally came home later on it all kicked off.

DP was furious. He immediately took their phones off them which caused a huge row. DS completely lost it and hit DP on the arm. DP reacted by shoving him back. It was not hard enough to hurt but it was physical and I just feel really uncomfortable about that. Then DP turned on DD and shouted at her for not making sure DS went in and for covering for him. He told her she had let everyone down. She just stood there crying.

I honestly do not know what to think. I understand why DP was so angry because I was too. We have been through hell trying to get DS back into education and today felt like such an important chance. But at the same time I feel like DP handled it badly. DD should not have had all that responsibility put on her and I do not think shouting at her was fair at all. And even though DS hit him first I still do not like that he shoved him back. The atmosphere in the house is awful now and I feel like we are right back at square one.

AIBU to think DP was too heavy handed and made things worse. Or am I just being soft?

I understand the shoving felt scary and aggressive but in all honesty he’s 14 and needs to learn that if he lashes out violently, he’s likely to experience it back, he isn’t a toddler anymore.
it was a teachable moment about boundaries albeit not a nice one,
I do agree about your daughter more she must have felt very torn in that situation.

Why did they not have an adult with them if DD shouldnt have had the responsibility? What was the run up to today like in terms of prepping for first day in school? How was DD last night?

I think being mad at DP is distracting you from the real issue- your son didn't go to school. Is he going to go tomorrow? It sounds like they had it planned in advance? To what purpose? Talk to them both separately and together and see what's going on? Is son going to go to school tomorrow?
Forget about your partners reaction for now you have bigger worries.

Why did DD not go to school?

At 14, despite your son's assessment they are both old enough to understand that taking this action would result in consequences. Your DP was wrong to shove, but your son can not have free rein to physical attack either of you. Is your partner their dad? I would have taken their phones as well.

I think to be honest given the circumstances, a parent should have taken him to his school at least for the first few days given the challenges you have faced and his long absence from a formal school setting. Why was he sent on the bus?

Why didn’t your DD just go?
I agree with above he can’t lash out at 14 and expect that to be ok.

I have a child with MH issues who was out of education for a while.

it was incredibly unfair if your dh to put this on your DD. It’s not her job to get her autistic school refusing brother back into education.

I personally drove my DD for several weeks as she needed a lot of emotional support.

your child is very very unlikely to just get the bus in. They’re going to need a lot of hand holding and joint problem solving if you want to keep them in education.

Either you or his Dad should have taken him to school. Your daughter shouldn’t have been dumped with that responsibility given the history.

No I don’t think it’s bad that your partner shoved him. Autistic or not he needs to learn pretty quick that he doesn’t get to lash out physically at people.

If you were there why didn’t you intervene?

Your DD should not have the pressure of going to school with your DS and being held responsible for his actions.

I wouldn’t be happy with the physical stuff from either of them but I think you’re making excuses for your kids and they clearly need a lot more help or you’re in for a rocky ride the next few years. I think you and dp need to show a united front or your kids especially your ds will play you like a fiddle

There's a lot in this that surprises me
With hindsight wasn't it obvious he was stressed about going back to school?
Have you explored other options like online schools?
Why on earth didn't someone drive him there for the first bit of time? The whole walk and bus ride gave him a lot of time to panic.

No I don’t think your DP was heavy handed. They were gone all day and were just answering their phones!

They are old enough to understand that this would have caused their parents huge distress and that they would be in big trouble when they got home.

There is a time to mollycoddle but this isn’t it.
I would get air tags for them and conceal them in their bags or coat etc and I would be marching them
into school tomorrow.

you Need to take a child each and drive them to school and walk them into the door and hand them over, good communication with the schools/college is a must and you need to literally see them walk in, make it a non negotiable. If you can’t manage this then I don’t really know, maybe you need to pay for Ubers and track them in your phone or you need to re think your daily routines

Autism. Isn't an excuse for violence and I think your DH reaction wasn't great but understandable

This.
They're children and you need to be firm with them.

You need to drive them in I can't understand why you wouldn't. They need special,care and that morning chat in the car is important time. Why did you not track them and realise earlier that they weren't at school? Surely attendance would have contacted you ? I work in school attendance BTW.
Your son needs love and attention.
Not physical violence, your dh needs to calm it down his approach is completely wrong.

I mean it very kindly and gently, but YABU. Your husband reacted in the moment and I don’t blame him. Also, I think the bus was a step too far today and that a lift could have worked better on the first day.
I’ve been where you are and feel your stress and frustration. I really hope things look up soon 💐

who on earth thought that it was a good idea for both of them to go to the bus stop alone after the history you’ve detailed?

Tbh there was insufficient scaffolding in place. They had to wait at the bus, get on the correct bus, navigate a load of people on the bus who are not new to the school and will be much more confident, know where to go when they get off the bus etc. Any one of those might have felt insurmountable to a highly anxious child with an avoidant coping style.

It would have been better to build up to using the bus. Begin dropping them in the car. Ideally they would be met on their first day by a staff member who understands the barriers and can show them where they need to go. On subsequent days they may not need this. Then once they are comfortable in knowing where they have to be and who they can talk to, start using the bus. Walk them down and discreetly see them on the bus at first (maybe agree you will pretend to be waiting for another bus). Then once they are all confident, only then would I suggest they walk down to get the bus alone.

This could probably be achieved over the space of about half a term.

Breaking things down into steps that avoid overwhelm, flooding and withdrawal is really important. I suggest you both "take the blame" for not realising it was too big of an ask in one step, and discuss how you could make it more achievable.

Even if I took him in just once that'd become the routine to him and I can't always take him in, I'm planning on going back to work which will be shifts so I won't always be around to drive him in. So the bus is the transport he'll be using and he needs to use it from day 1 really. They were getting the same bus except his stop was a few before DD’s right outside the college.

DD said she wasn't going to just leave him at the bus stop so she didn't go in either.

DP isn't their dad. And DS has been lying on his bed not really saying much just that he's not going tomorrow or any other day either. I feel like DP has made it worse, yes it's not ok for DS to have hit but doing it back isn't going to teach him anything? His phone is also a comfort item of his that he uses to listen to music when he's stressed.

I feel like I made the wrong decision with trying to get him back into education

As horrible as it is, I think a shove away is a far better reaction than if DS hits another child / adult etc. He could get seriously hurt. It's important, autism or no, to learn that violence will likely lead to retaliation.

I agree about it not being your daughter's responsibility, however, she also needs to be punished for skipping school herself. The fact that they were both complicit, whilst both ignoring calls all day, means there is a level of sneakiness from both of them that I would find hard to have sympathy for.

Is he their dad?

Why did you send them on the bus instead of taking them?

Why did DD not go to school?

Where the hell have they been all day?

Did you not agree with their phones being taken off them?

Does DS usually hit people?

ETA cross posted and you’ve covered all this

I didn’t read any of the other comments, but see I’m not alone with the lift POV.

Unfortunately, with a school refuser, you can’t just march them into school. If only it were that easy.

If he doesn’t go to college, surely you can’t go to work anyway, so driving him in daily until you do start work feels like a good investment of time. If you talk to the college about the situation, a support worker may well meet him on arrival so you know he is safely there

Your DD can continue to take the bus as there is no reason for her education to suffer due to her brother.