DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

[BlondeSpider]

I do not even know where to start because my head is all over the place. Today was supposed to be such a big day for us. DS is 14 and was due to start at a 14 plus college after being out of school for more than a year. He stopped going back just after Christmas in year 8. His mental health had been declining for a while before that and then I found out he had been self harming. His anxiety was through the roof and it got to the point where he just could not manage. CAMHS were no help at all. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall every time I tried to get support. Eventually I deregistered him from school and homeschooled. It has been very up and down but he is bright and when he is calm he is lovely. I paid privately in the end for an autism assessment because waiting for the NHS was going to take years. He now has a diagnosis which in some ways was a relief but also quite overwhelming.

This summer has been really hard. DS has been difficult to live with. He is angry a lot of the time and everything is an argument. His anxiety is still there and when he is stressed it turns into lashing out verbally and sometimes physically. We have had things thrown, doors slammed, endless shouting matches. It has been exhausting, I think it's mostly due to puberty as he's had a growth spurt recently and his voice has dropped

DD is his twin. She has generally managed better with school and life in general but she has been struggling too, especially with his behaviour. She loves him and worries about him and is quite protective over him. She was supposed to be starting year 10 today which is a big year with GCSEs coming up.

This morning they both set out together for the bus stop. DS was nervous but I felt cautiously hopeful. It felt like maybe this was a turning point. But they never went. They did not get on the bus and they were gone most of the day. They ignored my calls and texts and would not say where they were. When they finally came home later on it all kicked off.

DP was furious. He immediately took their phones off them which caused a huge row. DS completely lost it and hit DP on the arm. DP reacted by shoving him back. It was not hard enough to hurt but it was physical and I just feel really uncomfortable about that. Then DP turned on DD and shouted at her for not making sure DS went in and for covering for him. He told her she had let everyone down. She just stood there crying.

I honestly do not know what to think. I understand why DP was so angry because I was too. We have been through hell trying to get DS back into education and today felt like such an important chance. But at the same time I feel like DP handled it badly. DD should not have had all that responsibility put on her and I do not think shouting at her was fair at all. And even though DS hit him first I still do not like that he shoved him back. The atmosphere in the house is awful now and I feel like we are right back at square one.

AIBU to think DP was too heavy handed and made things worse. Or am I just being soft?

Your partner taking their phones? Why is that ok?

I despair at the shit women put up with just to have a man in their lives.

I have two boys with ASD and if my husband and I split no other man gets a say in how they are brought up.

I wish just explaining to him the long term plan was that easy but it wouldn't work. When he was in school he'd get the bus but if he had an appointment before school for example, he’d point blank refuse because in his mind it wasn't right. I need to go back to work so taking him in long term won't be possible at all, and that'd create more issues down the line.

I didn't give DD the responsibility of making sure he went but DP seemed to which I don't agree with at all.

He does lash out when he's stressed and I know he shouldn't but teaching him not to isn't by shoving him back, that just makes the situation worse. DS wont even talk about what he was most anxious about whereas he probably if that didn't happen. And he's likely going to be too stressed from this to go in tomorrow

I feel so sorry for your DD.. she should NEVER have been given that amount of responsibility, especially on her first day back too!!

She should however have called one of you and I can understand how it has all kicked off if they basically disappeared for the day without being in contact, there's no excuse for that really.

You sound incredibly soft and that may be causing the dynamic where your partner is having to assume the roll of bad cop, to your good cop, if you don't want that to happen then you need to step up and parent more effectively yourself.

Saying he has made things worse, while you sat there and did nothing is ridiculous, the decision to let your DD get your DS to college for the first time in a year is ridiculous, if you are not working and have the time you need to be more pro-active and stop shifting the blame.

Why does your DS have to go on the bus 'from day 1'?

Many parents bring their kids to school - either commute together or drive them. Its your role to make things as comfortable as possible for your son. Its not your daughter's responsibility.

I also think your DS deserved that shove back to be honest. He's fourteen, not four.

Sorry to be harsh, but you are just deflecting onto your DP and making excuses for your son.

Regardless of your future work plans and adult should have gone with your son today, it was a big occasion if he has been out of school for so long, not left for you daughter to deal with the situation.

I would go with him tomorrow make sure he has the support required, you will never no if it's the right decision or not if he never goes.

I don’t think you've made the wrong decision trying to get him back into education but I do think you expected an awful lot of a child with additional needs to manage all of that today after being out of school for more than a year. Did you think he was just going to happily skip into school on his own, with no one there to encourage and support him?

I also feel uncomfortable with your DP’s reaction, especially considering he’s not the father. Yes, he should support you in how you discipline your children, but he should definitely not wade in there with a heavy handed approach which isn’t aligned to your own.

But he has point blank refused anyway, as he didn’t go in and says he’s not going to go in. So while telling him to get the bus was a nice idea, it didn’t work. So time for plan B, which I’d suggest is taking him in. If you don’t have a job lined up it’ll take a little while to find/apply/interview/get a start date etc, so I’d take him until that point then cross the bridge of getting the bus when you get there.

Yes you did give her the responsibility by sending them off alone! You must have known if he (likely) refused to get on she wouldn't give him a cheery wave and leave him there.

The rest is just wet lettuce excuses.

Then DP turned on DD and shouted at her for not making sure DS went in and for covering for him. He told her she had let everyone down. She just stood there crying.

This is appalling behaviour from your partner and I would be having significant words with him about it. What did you do / are you doing to comfort your daughter? She could have handled the communication better, but she’s not responsible for getting her brother to school and I can completely get that - with no adults around - she didn’t want to leave him. Really you need to get them to travel separately; you can’t place this on a 14 year old.

Even if you were working today, I'd expect you to have taken the week off to help your DS who already has challenges to settle into his new routine.
Loads of parents take their kids to school on the first day.
I don't understand why you are making excuses about working in the future. I can't get my head around you not travelling with him to school to be honest. Even if you felt driving him was the wrong thing to do, why didn't you take the bus with him?

Just reiterating what PP have said - the shove seems justified but it's not fair to blame your DD. However, it's much much worse to expect her to be solely responsible for him - this will cause long-term trauma and disruption to her education. Let her get the bus and you drive him - or get a bus with him. Leaving him at the bus stop and hoping he'd start a routine was optimistic and hasn't worked out, so you need to try something different and take the responsibility for him back to yourself, away from DD.

Honestly, you need to make school non negotiable, or rather going to school in the morning. I drove my dd for months at one point handing her over, by 11am some days they were calling me to fetch her (too complicated for here) but the key thing is that she wasn’t rewarded with staying at home, what she wanted. Eventually we found a compromise to lessons and she learned in the school office, fuelled by mugs of tea and biscuits (and got a*’s). Skipping school needs a heavy hand

You sound like getting him to use the bus is sensible, so he’s not going to rely on you, but then you totally go the other way as soon as you mention your DPs involvement.

i actually suspect this is more about your relationship with your DP than anything to do with your DS and DD.

Given your “get the bus” strict and fair approach your “he needs the phone” totally confuses your fairly firm and strict approach.

it’s almost like when your DP dishes out the punishment you don’t align.

DD has my sympathy while I think it was bad she ignored your calls, especially with DSs history of self harm. But I can appreciate the split loyalties, and she is not responsible for her brother

I think sometimes violence, needs physical dispersal. DP didnt hit him, didnt injure him just pushed him away after DS assaulted him. I dont think thats terrible. Tbh actions have consequences and autism isnt an excuse for violent behavior. DS needs to learn hes responsible for his behavoiur regardless of his feelings or mood

I always think with school refusers you make home so horrible and boring during the day they want to go to school to escape it!!

ie no tv music games socials. Lots of cleaning toilets putting washing’s on, batch cooking, practical skills. When questioned explanations that you need qualifications from school/college to get a job so if you don’t have that all you can do is likely domestic stuff like Homecare or cleaning. Or be a housewife/husband.

Dont know how that’s work with an asd kid. I just feel like once kids know they can refuse school without consequences the wheels are off the bogey and it’s game over…. In life we have to do stuff we don’t like. It’s just how it is.

If anything your DD should be praised for her compassion in immediately sacrificing her own first day back, seeing her friends after the holidays etc to look after her distressed twin (although I note that she ended up disadvantaging herself in order to 'be kind', which maybe shouldn't be encouraged too keenly).

Although she should have called you, might she have been afraid that you'd be angry? Did she feel it would be disloyal to her twin as they are too old to 'tell'?

There is of course no way she could have have got him onto or off the bus herself if he decided he wasn't going, if he is now physically mature and so much bigger and stronger than her.

Did you not read that he’s autistic and has a history of MH issues and self-harming? Making his home - his safe space - unpalatable is actually more likely to exacerbate MH issues and lead to more dangerous behaviours than self-harming.

Don’t follow this advice.

Take your DS to school tomorrow yourself.

The problem is that this only works if the child is basically happy and stable and just feels like having a skive - that isn't actually what "school refusal" is.

It is much more like someone having such a traumatic time at work that they need to be signed off with stress, so tormenting them at home in their safe place too just leads to even faster and more permanent mental health breakdown, self harm, and so on - making home bad too doesn't affect how school is.

It was a big day for DS. You could have helped his transition back into school by taking him there yourself.

but you made his day even more challenging for him.

and your DD rightly or wrongly felt responsible. You’re letting her down too.

if I were you, I’d keep their phones confiscated until the weekend. Give them both a lift for the rest of the week. Then DD reverts to bus and you work with DS for a solution that is realistic and reasonable. Get school involved if necessary. If at all possible, postpone working for another term.

let your DP know that you’re disappointed he reacted physically and that he was out of line shouting at DD.

but give him a break and accept your own responsibility.

I don’t mean to be harsh. But you have got the responsibility to take him to school if you know that he was likely to panic and not get on the bus. He clearly needed support to get there.

Your husband shouldn’t have blamed your daughter and ideall shouldn’t have pushed him back: but I don’t think the blame really lies with him

It’s quite astounding how neatly you’ve sidestepped putting ANY responsibility about what happened on yourself.

You passively/willingly allowed certain things to happen (DD being in charge of DS’s bus/school travel) and that is on YOU. You are the parent. You are the adult. Your DD is neither. You need to be responsible for enduring your DS gets to his classes/schooling, not looking to throw blame everywhere except at yourself.

If your DS is going to “expect” to be driven to classes every day if you spend a few days/weeks driving him in now… well, that is something YOU as the parent will have to figure out when it happens. Making your underage DD the responsible party for her brother’s travel to school is appalling. It obviously didn’t work. She’s a child.

I’m not saying it isn’t a difficult situation, if not a near-impossible one. I AM saying that YOU are the adult and the parent in this situation, and your actions/inactions caused everything.

The worst thing your DP did, I think, was to put this on your DD. That wasn’t fair. She must have felt massively conflicted between her brother and the “authority” figures of parents and school.

Shoving your DS, after he hit him was, I think, fairly mild. Not ideal but not terrible. Your son is 14 not a little child. He needs to know he can’t just hit people, autism or not

I think your children need to travel separately. DS’s attendance can’t be tied to DD’s. I would try an adult going with him tomorrow if at all possible.

Id also be speaking to the school and all possible avenues of support as this can’t go on.

Edit - it’s also better than he goes and expects to be driven than to not go. If you have to drive him, so what? You can’t make your dd responsible for him, that was awful.

Sorry I’ve just seen your DP isnt their Dad. That does put a slightly different perspective on the shoving - why is he getting so involved? Did you ask him to?

Clearly an adult should have been with your DS - this was all so unfair on your DD. She’s the one I feel most sorry for in all of this.

Have you looked into Pans/pandas op?

Does your son have an EHCP? If not, you should apply for one. Anxiety which prevents a child from accessing school meets the definition of a learning disability. Having an EHCP would meant that provision should be in place to help him deal with his anxiety, and he may also qualify for school transport.

If you can get medical evidence confirming that your son cannot access school form due to mental health difficulties, you could get the LA to arrange education out of school under section 19 Education Act 1996.

There's no chance he'll go in tomorrow, DP is refusing to give them their phones and listening to music on his phone is the main thing he does to soothe and he hasn't done that. I also don't really feel comfortable with DD travelling to school without her phone

He hasn't been supportive at all about me quitting work and used to make comments about me doing nothing all day, I was essentially housebound with a then 12 year old who was suicidal and self harming and too anxious to even leave the house for a while. He wasn't supportive about using “his” money to go private for the ASD assessment. I only get carers allowance and DLA for DS which goes on him. He expects DS to just
muddle through and get on with things.

I need to get back to work so I can save enough to leave him so I don't really want to delay it. Even if I took the bus with DS, again in his head he'd then think I was always going with him and walking him in which I can't always do as much as I wish I could. It looks like home schooling him again.