DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

[BlondeSpider]

I do not even know where to start because my head is all over the place. Today was supposed to be such a big day for us. DS is 14 and was due to start at a 14 plus college after being out of school for more than a year. He stopped going back just after Christmas in year 8. His mental health had been declining for a while before that and then I found out he had been self harming. His anxiety was through the roof and it got to the point where he just could not manage. CAMHS were no help at all. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall every time I tried to get support. Eventually I deregistered him from school and homeschooled. It has been very up and down but he is bright and when he is calm he is lovely. I paid privately in the end for an autism assessment because waiting for the NHS was going to take years. He now has a diagnosis which in some ways was a relief but also quite overwhelming.

This summer has been really hard. DS has been difficult to live with. He is angry a lot of the time and everything is an argument. His anxiety is still there and when he is stressed it turns into lashing out verbally and sometimes physically. We have had things thrown, doors slammed, endless shouting matches. It has been exhausting, I think it's mostly due to puberty as he's had a growth spurt recently and his voice has dropped

DD is his twin. She has generally managed better with school and life in general but she has been struggling too, especially with his behaviour. She loves him and worries about him and is quite protective over him. She was supposed to be starting year 10 today which is a big year with GCSEs coming up.

This morning they both set out together for the bus stop. DS was nervous but I felt cautiously hopeful. It felt like maybe this was a turning point. But they never went. They did not get on the bus and they were gone most of the day. They ignored my calls and texts and would not say where they were. When they finally came home later on it all kicked off.

DP was furious. He immediately took their phones off them which caused a huge row. DS completely lost it and hit DP on the arm. DP reacted by shoving him back. It was not hard enough to hurt but it was physical and I just feel really uncomfortable about that. Then DP turned on DD and shouted at her for not making sure DS went in and for covering for him. He told her she had let everyone down. She just stood there crying.

I honestly do not know what to think. I understand why DP was so angry because I was too. We have been through hell trying to get DS back into education and today felt like such an important chance. But at the same time I feel like DP handled it badly. DD should not have had all that responsibility put on her and I do not think shouting at her was fair at all. And even though DS hit him first I still do not like that he shoved him back. The atmosphere in the house is awful now and I feel like we are right back at square one.

AIBU to think DP was too heavy handed and made things worse. Or am I just being soft?

Why do you have to do what your 'D'P says? I don't like the sound of him one bit.

Your poor DD was probably gutted to miss the first day back. She should NOT be dealing with this. Step up for your kids and do what's right for your DC and STOP saying "...but DP wouldn't like it..." because your DC come first, and you know that.

Stop giving that man in your home the power to punish your DC. It sounds awful.

Sorry but no giving up and home schooling again is not an option its the easy selfish way out.
You need to put in the hard work that should have been done over the summer, you should have taken him on the bus ever day for weeks just so he could learn the route, where to get off and where he goes into the building.
As you didn't bother now you need to talk to the school get your ds a map of the building arrange a phased start with :-
day 1 you and ds get the bus in together, arrange for a staff member to meet you both for a tour of the building and then go home.
Day 2 same as day 1 only with him taking part in 1 class with you in the building or nearby
Day 3, same as day 2 only 2 classes
Day 4+ he builds up until he dose full days .
When hes doing full days you go home after taking him in and come back for hometime for a week or two. Then you start just taking him to the bus stop and waiting until he gets on the bus and being at the bus stop to meet him after school.
Tbh I'm not surprised that your partner is pissed off with you and your passive enabling behaviour especially when hes funding you and your dc including private medical cost when your not married, they aren't his kids and you won't parent them nor work to get your son back into school. If I was him I'd have dumped you rather than fund your life choices for 2+ years and it sounds like your partner has hit breaking point id expect my marching orders if I were you especially if you choose to continue to home school whilst sponging off of him

Op you have had more than a few messages from people who clearly don’t understand autism and have never dealt with a disregukated autistic teen. Many autistic teens are just not able to cope with school due to anxiety, whic( may show itself as aggression. Going back into a mainstream setting is a huge undertaking and needs a lot of support from home and school. What was in place for when your Ds arrived at his new school/college? My dad went through similar and for the whole of her two years in college was met every day by a support assistant and escorted to her classroom. I also took her but was fortunate to be able to work around that.
if listening to music calms your ds it is imperative that he is able to do that. He also needs to be able to trust that you are on his side and will listen to him. As I am sure you know it is not as simple as ‘just telling him’ to go in. Have you had any help from the local authority? It might be worth asking if the6 have an Education Other than school package which might work for your son.
Good luck with getting things sorted.

To be honest I'm surprised he's still around, they aren't his children and you seem to zero accountability for them.

Why can't you go with them on the bus? sorry, I'm with you DP on this one.

Obviously it should be my dd not my dad!

I paid for their phones, and their monthly top ups which is £10 a month each for unlimited messages etc. He's been in their lives since they were 6 so seems to think he can do whatever and because I don't work so knows I wouldn't leave him at the minute. I just feel stuck.

And the fact he's now made it likely that he won't go to the college at all - ever because this’ll have added a lot more anxiety onto this that he'll associate with the college. I'm now also unlikely to sleep because I'm worrying about him

This is my daughter to a tee, the anxiety, music to sooth etc. She also has autism and hasnt had any education for 18months.

I totally get the bus thing.
It's about routine and sameness, helping her anxiety so it doesn't spiral and I think with her having some feeling of control in her life. It's bloody hard to navigate these routines.

DP is refusing to give them their phones and listening to music on his phone is the main thing he does to soothe and he hasn't done that. I also don't really feel comfortable with DD travelling to school without her phone

That is absolutely not his call. He is massively overstepping here.

How long have you two been together? How long have you lived together?

He sounds like he's actively choosing to make the situation worse.

What's your living situation Op - rent or mortgage? Your house, his house or joint?

So he's stolen their phones from you and is extremely verbally abusive to your children and laid hands on your son. You need to get some legal advice right now and plan to leave him.

You feel overwhelmed, and your DP does too. You've both had to deal with an angry, difficult teen and something gave. I have enormous sympathy for your DS and his mental health. I've been there. But he crossed a line and your DP put his foot down. That might not be a bad thing. Show support and be calm but firm to your DS and DD, who are upset because they were caught breaking a major rule, in a very brazen way!
Your DS can't be allowed to hit people. Perhaps better (relatively) gentle pushback from a father figure than a smack in the mouth from a bigger kid at school or stranger if he tries that outside the house!

And please, please get him to school.

At some point your children will come up against someone who doesn’t allow this kind of behaviour so that’s good, it’s just whether or not they have the ability to have a good job but actually Wetherspoons and McDonald’s do require people to work there so maybe just tell him that you know what go and get a minimum wage job and see if his behaviour is acceptable to the workforce (it isn’t)

It won't be possible for me to go out and work if he's homeschooled no, I wouldn't trust him to be home alone all day in case he self harmed or worse. I think he'd also struggle to self study because he needs a lot of prompting even though a lot of the work he was doing was online.

The plan was for him to have a 1:1 at all times at college, they know about his mental health etc and its on his EHCP. He met 3 of the possible ones he's going to have before the summer. He also did travel training with a staff member too. He'll be in a small group with 5 other students.

The house is rented and both our names are on the lease but there's no way i’d afford it if I was on my
Own and he knows it.

I agree with many other posters. You should be taking him for a while if you are at home. I hear you saying you need to go back to work, but unless he goes to school you won’t be, so getting that hurdle going well first is a must. You can make changes to his routine of going in it’ll just take time and planning to do this. All a worthwhile investment in the long run.

find another way for him to play music that isn’t just his phone, he can find ways to use this to soothe himself using other things. I think at this age, taking a phone is a good punishment, what else would you suggest? As there does have to be one.

my son also has ASD and we have also had school refusal due to MH, my DD has it too and has really struggled with MH. It’s massively tough. All kids are different I know but you can be low/no demand but still keep some boundaries.

if having him home means home schooling you won’t be working. So you need to prioritise getting him into school and think about work a lot later.

@Pizaa Don’t know about Wetherspoons but from what I’ve heard McDonalds isn’t a bad employer at all - lots of opportunities for development.

Don’t know why you’re being so sniffy about perfectly decent jobs.

I don't understand why you didn't at least see him on the bus?

And have you spoken to the college about the situation?

Your DP seems to be overstepping here and he needs to apologise to your DD

Not being sniffy just saying that maybe if her kids got a job they would appreciate that maybe they have to go because they will be sacked if they didn’t feel like going in. It’s a shame that op hasn’t utilised parenting techniques and now her DP is that maybe she will decide that she needs to step up and deal with her kids issues.

As they're twins is it not likely she too is autistic - and may have gone unseen amidst his drama?

I agree, you both screwed up spectacularly by putting all the responsibility for getting him to school on a bus onto his sister.

She must have been in a mess of conflict around feeling nervous of his behaviour, loving and wanting to help him.

He should have been taken to school by you both, seen in and reassured he'd be collected.

A 14 year old boy is in the grip of puberty, compounded by autism and mental health issues. I'm sorry CAMHs have been crap.

Emotional outbursts are to be expected. And testosterone can cause flares of anger and aggression - a 14 year old boy is capable of causing injury and if he's not controlled could find himself in trouble - or severely hurt by someone trying to defend themselves.

Your husband's physical reaction might have given him an effective shock, like a lion with an overly aggressive cub. But that could also tip over into child abuse.

You all need to cool down, everyone apologise to everyone else. And they need to be heard, not shouted at or over.

If you can't work with out him going to school then I think you are looking at it all wrong. You need him to go to school by any means necessary as step one, if that means you escort him and go from there then that is what should be done. Absolutely don't just accept 'he will never go in now', and I don't think it is fair to put all of this on your partner. Your son didn't go into school today anyway, did you ever find out why not? If he is as set in routine as you say then surely getting to the bus stop then not getting on the bus would have been his routine now anyway.

@BlondeSpider
I’m really sorry.
You came here looking for a little compassion and you’re getting a lot of grief.
I honestly don’t know what to tell you.
Maybe your son belongs in a different school, one more tailored to his emotional needs and upsets.
Would that be a possibility?
And your daughter - she’s not his guardian, she’s his sister. Your partner was WAY OUTTA LINE scolding her for her brother’s transgressions. And I think you might’ve been out of line putting her in charge of seeing him off to school.
You’ve got a big fat mess in your house - and in your heart - and it will take more than just you to straighten it out.
Maybe it’s time for a calm and rational family meeting - where everybody keeps their head and tries to work out a solution?
Can’t never did anything, y’know.
I wish you the very best of luck.
Sending you love from faraway ❤️

He can listen to music on something else. No 14 year old NEEDS a phone. It sounds like your DP has a good measure of how much your children are taking you for a mug. They aren’t delicate wall flowers, they’re teenagers who need to grow into adults and understand that lying and skipping school is very serious.

It sounds like your DP has finally had enough.

As soon as they walked in DP was shouting at them etc so no, I don't know what part DS was anxious about as he's now just lying in bed refusing to talk. He won't listen to music any other way. It has to be using his phone and his headphones, it's just part of the routine

What were you doing today that was more important than making sure your vulnerable DS got to college as scheduled?! You aren’t working so why couldn’t you escort him in?