DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

[BlondeSpider]

I do not even know where to start because my head is all over the place. Today was supposed to be such a big day for us. DS is 14 and was due to start at a 14 plus college after being out of school for more than a year. He stopped going back just after Christmas in year 8. His mental health had been declining for a while before that and then I found out he had been self harming. His anxiety was through the roof and it got to the point where he just could not manage. CAMHS were no help at all. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall every time I tried to get support. Eventually I deregistered him from school and homeschooled. It has been very up and down but he is bright and when he is calm he is lovely. I paid privately in the end for an autism assessment because waiting for the NHS was going to take years. He now has a diagnosis which in some ways was a relief but also quite overwhelming.

This summer has been really hard. DS has been difficult to live with. He is angry a lot of the time and everything is an argument. His anxiety is still there and when he is stressed it turns into lashing out verbally and sometimes physically. We have had things thrown, doors slammed, endless shouting matches. It has been exhausting, I think it's mostly due to puberty as he's had a growth spurt recently and his voice has dropped

DD is his twin. She has generally managed better with school and life in general but she has been struggling too, especially with his behaviour. She loves him and worries about him and is quite protective over him. She was supposed to be starting year 10 today which is a big year with GCSEs coming up.

This morning they both set out together for the bus stop. DS was nervous but I felt cautiously hopeful. It felt like maybe this was a turning point. But they never went. They did not get on the bus and they were gone most of the day. They ignored my calls and texts and would not say where they were. When they finally came home later on it all kicked off.

DP was furious. He immediately took their phones off them which caused a huge row. DS completely lost it and hit DP on the arm. DP reacted by shoving him back. It was not hard enough to hurt but it was physical and I just feel really uncomfortable about that. Then DP turned on DD and shouted at her for not making sure DS went in and for covering for him. He told her she had let everyone down. She just stood there crying.

I honestly do not know what to think. I understand why DP was so angry because I was too. We have been through hell trying to get DS back into education and today felt like such an important chance. But at the same time I feel like DP handled it badly. DD should not have had all that responsibility put on her and I do not think shouting at her was fair at all. And even though DS hit him first I still do not like that he shoved him back. The atmosphere in the house is awful now and I feel like we are right back at square one.

AIBU to think DP was too heavy handed and made things worse. Or am I just being soft?

Oh dear OP. I could have been writing about my own DS, you have my sympathies.

BUT, if this was his first day back in education, with all the issues you mention, I have to question why you didn't take him and see him in.

My DS returned to education on a 14-16 course and I took him and picked him up for ages. His anxiety was through the roof for the first few weeks and a couple of times I had to pick him up during the day as he had literally gone completely rigid and they said seemed to be completely unaware of his surroundings.

You DP overreacted, but at 14 your DS shouldn't be lashing out. If he does it elsewhere he could be in trouble - or seriously hurt.

Your DD should not have been put in that position, that was extremely unfair.

There were a few poor decisions all round, unfortunately.

If he's not their Dad, unless he's been in their lives since they were babies, then him taking their phones was the wrong move - discipline for something this big should be instigated by you with him backing you up.

Your DD was put in a really difficult position. Yes, she should have messaged or called you, but she was put in an adult position and isn't an adult.

I get the lift issue, might have been wise to have travelled on the bus with them for the first day, but it's easy to say in hindsight.

No, he doesn't need to get the bus from day one. Honestly, just explain that the long term plan will be the bus but until he is settled you will give him a lift.

It's too big a step. It will not work. Clearly, it did not work. If you want to give your son a fighting chance at getting back into education, you need to scaffold the transition.

In his mind, it's like he's just learned to swim and you are asking him to swim the Channel. It's too much too soon. You need to build his confidence and skills by supporting him with smaller steps that he can succeed in.

If you want to get back to work and have him in education, spend half a term on a supported transition now.

You let a man who isn’t her father (and to be fair even if he was)shout at her because you the two adults gave her a responsibility that she never should have had given they were going to two different places.

your DP handled this appallingly and needs to apologise to your DD and you need to have a plan that allows her to go to school independently

I have a school refuser and I would never put on DD that kind of pressure

And I do drive mine now if it gets him in

I think that a shove was a very mild reaction. You can't let violence from a teenage boy slide.

I think your partners reaction was pretty standard.

I would have driven him in on his first day. The nerve-wracking thing would be the college itself, not the journey. Once he's been, and done a day there..got that bit over with (and presuming all goes ok) he may be more inclined to get off the bus and make his own way!

I wouldn't stress about the reaction to what happened, just plan for tomorrow.

Dd should have never been made to feel responsible for her brother. You should have driven him in letting him know it’s only a temporary thing.

Dp shouldn’t have given punishments you should.

A shove for a hit at his age I wouldn’t be mad at. A teen boy being violent cannot be allowed to just continue and pushing him away is fine.

Basically poor adult behaviour caused the entire issue.

What was he going to be studying at college? Was it GCSEs or a course?

Would he self-study if he was alone at home whilst you were at work? If so, I'd pull him out and go back to home education. GCSEs aren't necessarily a necessity. What are his long-term plans? Does he have any? Some home educated children do some GCSEs, others do none. It's unlikely my eldest who is also autistic will do any, whereas likely my youngest will. Would he be prepared to do online tests for Functional Literacy & Numeracy instead?

I'm just trying to let you know that there are options and GCSEs are not the be all and end all. Let him self-study what interests him. My eldest is a talented video editor and animator, so she's following that path.

Have a chat with your DD to try to smooth over what happened. Whilst I don't think your DP was too bad, as he's not their father, I do think it should have been you dealing with this. I guess though it depends on if he's raised them as his own or not.

I’m afraid, OP, that you seem to be enabling your son’s poor behaviour. You don’t even support the confiscation of his phone. You really should have taken him today, it almost reads as if you want him to fail. At 14 the end of education is in sight and without a positive attitude and some exam passes how is he going to cope in the world? The minute he said he was not going tomorrow you should have made it very clear that “No” is not an option.

This level of responsibility should not have been left to DD on the first day back.
I would have drove him to school for a few weeks, until he settled.
DP shouldn't have blamed DD.
It is the parents fault.
The shove was in response to the hit. I don't agree with it.
I think at 14, DH would not allow DS to hit him.

My husband was full height at 14 and I think your DP (or anyone) is entitled to shove him away if he hits them.

Beyond that - bottom line is that he won't go if he has to decide 3 times - yes/no to leaving the house, getting on the bus, and going in. You'll have to take him.

I think your DD should go on the bus so she is completely separate to your DS's journey and absolved of involvement. None of this is her responsibility but actually she should have told you where they were.

I think you should have taken the bus with him. Trusting that he would go in when he has been out of formal education for so long seems overly optimistic. I agree that this left your daughter in a difficult position.

I think it wasn't ideal that your partner shoved him, but agree with PP that it was understandable given that your son hit him.

Confiscating the phones doesn't seem disproportionate. There are other ways to play music.

I think if you’re not currently working and are able to take him to school and ensure he gets there, then that’s what you need to be doing at the moment. Explain that you can take him at the moment, but at some point in the future he’ll have to get the bus. Hopefully by that point he’ll be settled enough that he feels able to go in on the bus.

I think you need to get the bus with your DS and help him find his confidence with it.

If it was me I'd put DD on a different bus and let her have the freedom of not worrying about any of this and getting herself where she needs to be. Giving her responsibility for him won't lift him up, it will drag her down.

OP I don’t understand your logic with the bus, saying that because you can’t give him a lift every day for ever, you won’t give him a lift on day 1. Lots of kids get taken to school by their parents on day 1, maybe week 1, and then when they’re familiar enough with the routine, the parent steps back. Leaving them to go on the bus on their own was a recipe for disaster, and really unfair on your DD.

Frankly, if you aren’t working, I’d like to understand what you were doing which meant you couldn’t take your son to school.

You take ds in the first week, even if you walk him all the way there. If all is good he walks from the car park week 2. Week 3 you stop outside the car park.

Meanwhile dd gets dropped at school/the bus stop as she prefers. She is not her brother's carer. You need to step up. You're not currently working. It's hard I know but work with the provision he's in. And cut dd some slack.

Why on earth didn’t you take him? He sounds able enough to understand that you take him to start with and he’ll get used to going alone.

My son started specialist secondary last year. I drove him and collected day 1. He knew the bus was the next step and had done several practice runs.

i followed the bus for two days in the car both ways. Day 4 he was travelling independently and had been ever since without incident.

Additionally why is your partner who isn’t even your child’s father getting so involved? How is this his business?

It wasn't your DP's place to shout or discipline, it should have been you taking charge of the response to their behaviour. He was absolutely in the wrong to shove DS and his shouting at DD was just appalling. I agree with other posters it was utterly unfair of the adults to put her in that position. A 14 year old can't be responsible for getting a school refuser into school - I have one, and I'd never have dreamt of asking her sibling to do that. If you didn't want to get into the habit of driving him in, you absolutely should have taken him on the bus yourself.

1 you take him on the bus being clear that it a 1 off
2 get him an MP3 player for music
3 your son hit your partner he pushed him back (your words) he didn't hit him back
4 your enabling your sons behaviour
5 your son is entirely to blame for today's outcome including disrupting your dds education.
From an asd mum of an asd child

Tbh, it was a big day for both of them. Huge for DS given he’s not been to school for a long time. I’d have arranged mornings off from work and taken them both in today. Yes, they’re 14. But today was really loaded. DS is autistic and recovering/managing MH issues. This was your and DH’s fault.

As parents it was totally foreseeable that DS would baulk at the enormity of it after so long and that this could put DD in a difficult position. It was your and your DH’s job to parent them - and today, that meant supporting them in getting to school.

I hope that you’ll both step up tomorrow and avoid a repeat of today.

Is your daughter generally good at going to school? If so, she probably thought she was doing the right thing by staying with her brother. It’s really unfair on her to miss her first day and then get yelled at after.

I see your point about wanting to start a routine of them getting the bus, but in hindsight an adult probably should have went to the stop with them to ensure they both got on the bus. If son refuses, at least then daughter still can.

I feel sorry for your poor DD as I imagine she really didn’t want to miss her first day back. It’s a situation she should never have been in.

one of my children really struggled with school. He was home educated for a while. He would have all the plans to go to school but then on the day his anxiety would take over and it was horrendous. Sometimes we shouted, lost our temper. Not great but it was so emotionally draining. His MH got really bad and he tried to take his own life several times. I could not have put the responsibility on his siblings to get him to school, they wouldn’t have been able to leave him if he couldn’t go in.
I think you need to prepare that this might not work. Educational establishments just don’t work for some young people. Do you have a plan B?