DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

[BlondeSpider]

I do not even know where to start because my head is all over the place. Today was supposed to be such a big day for us. DS is 14 and was due to start at a 14 plus college after being out of school for more than a year. He stopped going back just after Christmas in year 8. His mental health had been declining for a while before that and then I found out he had been self harming. His anxiety was through the roof and it got to the point where he just could not manage. CAMHS were no help at all. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall every time I tried to get support. Eventually I deregistered him from school and homeschooled. It has been very up and down but he is bright and when he is calm he is lovely. I paid privately in the end for an autism assessment because waiting for the NHS was going to take years. He now has a diagnosis which in some ways was a relief but also quite overwhelming.

This summer has been really hard. DS has been difficult to live with. He is angry a lot of the time and everything is an argument. His anxiety is still there and when he is stressed it turns into lashing out verbally and sometimes physically. We have had things thrown, doors slammed, endless shouting matches. It has been exhausting, I think it's mostly due to puberty as he's had a growth spurt recently and his voice has dropped

DD is his twin. She has generally managed better with school and life in general but she has been struggling too, especially with his behaviour. She loves him and worries about him and is quite protective over him. She was supposed to be starting year 10 today which is a big year with GCSEs coming up.

This morning they both set out together for the bus stop. DS was nervous but I felt cautiously hopeful. It felt like maybe this was a turning point. But they never went. They did not get on the bus and they were gone most of the day. They ignored my calls and texts and would not say where they were. When they finally came home later on it all kicked off.

DP was furious. He immediately took their phones off them which caused a huge row. DS completely lost it and hit DP on the arm. DP reacted by shoving him back. It was not hard enough to hurt but it was physical and I just feel really uncomfortable about that. Then DP turned on DD and shouted at her for not making sure DS went in and for covering for him. He told her she had let everyone down. She just stood there crying.

I honestly do not know what to think. I understand why DP was so angry because I was too. We have been through hell trying to get DS back into education and today felt like such an important chance. But at the same time I feel like DP handled it badly. DD should not have had all that responsibility put on her and I do not think shouting at her was fair at all. And even though DS hit him first I still do not like that he shoved him back. The atmosphere in the house is awful now and I feel like we are right back at square one.

AIBU to think DP was too heavy handed and made things worse. Or am I just being soft?

Because county lines is very real. And vulnerable young teens who don’t attend school are the kids who get drawn into it.
In case you missed - both of the kids were missing for the whole school day and neither of them will say where they were other than “ doesn’t matter”. It’s concerning. I’m not saying that they are involved with CL but it’s a possibility and if he continues goinh missing during school time and his parents don’t know his whereabouts they also need to be very aware of this

Yes I know it’s real but they missed one day of school. I don’t think it’s a prerequisite the first day you bunk off!

I agree it’s concerning but nothing suggests that they’ve been groomed prior to this. Sorry just feel it’s a huge leap

County lines is a bit of a leap. DS was too anxious to get on the bus, his twin stayed with him. The more likely explanation is they just hung out together and ignored the calls. They knew they'd get in trouble and went for the "may as well be hung for a sheep than a lamb" option. If I was leaping to any conclusions, it would be that DD was trying to persuade her twin to come home. It was a flight reaction to severe anxiety, nothing suggests DS has been groomed into CL.

Her daughter saying "It doesn't matter" shows a lack of respect for her mother. The op is not her friend she has put no boundaries in place. All of the ops posts sounds helpless and the only person with strength is her partner. The issue is she wants to demonise him to make herself feel better. Get rid of him she's left to do it all by herself and she knows they will take over because she's easy.

Boys are easily led but as long as ops son doesn't come home with brand new trainers and a pocket full of money then all is good.

Im so sorry you are in this position. My son is 6 with autism and can get,
for lack of a better word aggressive due to anxiety.
Its like his fight or flight is in overdrive when he feels threatened which is what this sounds like. His dad (bio) thinks he should cop on and get on with it too so I get how unhelpful that is in the moment.
He hasn't had a great time transitioning back in to school after the summer, so I can only imagine what your son is feeling going back to a new school after so long.
I hope ye will all be ok and he will go in soon.
Its so hard sometimes x

I think you are being a bit soft, really.

Your DC have been very irresponsible and selfish. It’s one thing to skip school- not acceptable, but I can sort of see how it transpired. However, not answering their phone or letting you know where they were or even just that they were ok was actually very poor behaviour. I would be furious and extremely disappointed in my DC if they did that. I think it is absolutely ok to let them know that you are both angry at what they’ve done and disappointed that they have behaved this way. That said, your DP was wrong to lay all the blame on your DD- she is not more responsible than he is and certainly not responsible for her brothers actions. He should apologise to her for that.

Having their phones taken is the very least of the punishment I would expect in these circumstances. They have shown they are not using their phones or independence responsibility or for communication with you. If they can’t be responsible then they don’t get privileges that require responsible use.

They are absolutely are old enough to know missing school = getting into trouble. They are more than well aware that choosing to ignore you and not letting you know where they were or even that they were safe (for all you knew something awful could have happened- an accident, been hurt or been abducted) was utterly wrong, and that you would be really worried as well as angry. They chose to do it anyway. They deserve to be in trouble- more for the actions after the decision to skip school, if I’m honest.

Your DP was fine to push off your DS after he hit him- he didn’t hit him back, he pushed him off him. This is not an unreasonable response to being hit.

I agree with this. OP, all I read from your posts are excuses for your DS and having zero authority in your household. Your DS is ruling your world because he was suicidal and he's autistic and you are holding on to this as your own safety blanket, allowing him not to engage with the real world and using his difficulties as an excuse for your discipline and boundary-lacking relationship with your children. You also shift the blame on your DP and thrive in victimising yourself and your DS instead of moving forward. Nobody can or should put up with this, I feel sorry for your DP and DD.

If you say, per your own post, that your DD doesn't have MH issues as a result of your approach and having to look after your DS because you aren't parenting him then you're utterly delusional.

There is plethora of evidence related to negative effects of excessive screen time, scrolling, the fact that devices keep children indoors and disconnected from the real world leading to heightened feelings of isolation, depression, anxiety and disassociation. This is not helpful to anyone and in particular not to ND people, especially children with still developing brains. Using this sort of tech is a plaster over a giant wound, a temporary fix. It causes addiction and deepens self-regulation issues. Longer term it contributes to far poorer mental and physical health outcomes. A music-only device combined with spending time outdoors and exercise would be a far healthier choice than OP's son sluggish in bed in his room disconnected from the world but 'happy with his phone' that is 'soothing'. It's total bullshit and another way in which OP is avoiding doing the hard work of parenting and perpetuating her son's problems.

Its a ridiculous thing to say given that OP gives no evidence whatsoever that over the summer or previous to the summer her children are at risk of grooming, have been seen with drug paraphanalia, have been missing before, have come home with money or items that arent theirs etc etc etc

And this is classic MN bingo quite frankly, poster seem to think that all exploitation or all drug use or all dealing is linked to county lines. They're obsessed with it.

Children that are seen hanging around all day with nothing to do without friends or parents round them can be targeted but there isnt a pattern of this at themoment for OPs children (and hopefully there wont be). To suggest that they bunked off school because of it is ludicrous.

I’m not suggesting they bunked off because of it. They bunked off because he was completely overwhelmed with what was expected of him returning to school after a year of home education and then expected to stroll in to a new school without a parent to support him.
But my issue is that the OP has no idea where they were for hours, not answering phones . They haven’t told her and she doesn’t seem at all curious about this. They could have been with friends but unlikely as the friends would be in school. The daughter will not tell her which makes me think they are hiding something otherwise it would be “ we just hung around the shops and went to McDonald’s “. They didn’t just come straight home

Your DS is ruling your world because he was suicidal and he's autistic and you are holding on to this as your own safety blanket, allowing him not to engage with the real world and using his difficulties as an excuse for your discipline and boundary-lacking relationship with your children

I agree with this, and am going to add that she didn’t actually want her son to succeed at college. She set him up for failure by not taking him, or preparing him for the bus and after one bad day she’s decided that he is unlikely to go back. She wants him at home with her.

So your DP supports you all. His situation is pretty miserable too isn’t it. Would you want to be him? So he goes out at weekends. If they were his kids that would be unreasonable but they are not. You don’t like him and have said you’re only with him for the money. The consequences of your DS not going to school are pretty massive on everyone.

So, your son clearly had no intention of going to school, but you're now blaming this on DP?

Your son took the bus but planned not to attend, this all happened before any shouting or pushing happened. You're worried about what comes next, and placing that anxiety on your DP as anger.

Does this plethora of evidence about the effects of screen time relate only to NT children.

As someone with ADHD and ASD I use mind numbing games and scrolling in order to quieten the noise and think. If someone said I couldn’t have my phone then the decisions I would make would reflect the disastrous knee jerk decisions I would make throughout my life before there were phones to scroll through

I also my phone in order to get to sleep.

It’s not about soothing but about distracting the brain enough in order to quieten the noise

You wouldn’t think it was optimal to get to sleep if 1000 tvs and radios etc were all playing 1000 different things at full volume. The phone acts as a volume control

But the dh is to blame.
It is his response to the situation which had led to DS now never going to college

I think that people thinking that they can treat ND children the same as NT children are really not understanding how ND brains work.

Someone shouting at me because I got overwhelmed and couldn’t do something instead of calmly talking things through with me just means that I will never ever do that thing.

Don’t shout as that just shuts my brain off to anything and as for removing his phone
(the phone you pay for) I would actually log it with the police as theft.
Your dp needs to give you back your property and if he insists on acting like he has 2 NT step children then he needs to leave he is causing life altering trauma with his actions.

I can understand exactly what your DS is going through. Me personally would have secretly followed him to college and if they hadn’t got on the bus would have then wandered up to the bus stop as if you were going on the next bus or followed and seen where your dc were going and accidentally bumped into them.

But given his reaction he obviously must be quite happy to support everyone

Actions have consequences and shouting at a ND child for something that required patience and understanding and quiet words and removing dc’s phones is just going to mean he has to continue to pay

My thoughts are that he likes paying because he likes control and throwing his weight around and if BlondeSpider were allowed to work and earn money he knows she would leave. So why would he learn about autism and temper his responses instead of losing his temper and causing trauma and stealing the one thing that would help the DS and keep the dd safe

he said they'll get them back when he says

What an A*hole

Call him and tell him to give them back now otherwise you will be calling the police to report a theft.

Or get dd especially a cheap CEX phone with a £5 payg credit on it for the time being

Do have a look at the Entitledto website as you might be able to afford the place you are in now by claiming HB and UC. Also look at claiming as an about to be divorced person living under the same roof but being separated. Also remember going forward that things like council tax would be halved because you are the only adult at the property.

I think you would be better off emotionally without this nasty, controlling, abusive POS. I also think long term you and your children would be happier and in turn would be financially better off

Without him your children’s lives would be happier, your DS would be in college you would be working and you wouldn’t be worrying about your dd.
£50 for food. (My sides are splitting 🤣🤣🤣)

Whilst a lot of what you are dealing with is because of Neuro Diversity. This is made much worse because of your dh’s controlling and abusive behaviour

Do your homework today and get yourself a place to sleep instead of the main bedroom and start claiming as a single parent about to divorce. I would stop doing anything for this man (he can get his own food, wash his own clothes)

I know it is scary but sometimes when you know things are not working out and the pain gets too much, making that leap into the unknown and walking away/divorcing and either leaving yourself with dc or getting dh to leave is the only way forward.

I think that people thinking that they can treat ND children the same as NT children are really not understanding how ND brains work
I wish this could be pinned to the top of the thread. Why oh why do people that have no experience and no knowledge feel the need to come on to these threads and offer their completely useless and irrelevant advice. Usually this also includes giving the OP a bit of a kicking, or at the very least let them know of their perceived superiority, at a time when the OP is clearly under a great deal of stress. It's the same with threads about conditions like arfid or food issues related to SEN and there are always posters who love to come on and say how their little darlings eat anything and if you sent your little bastards to bed with no supper they would soon eat what's in front of them 🙄. It's frustrating because if you discount all of the useless ignorance and the obvious male wind up merchants on here defending the abusive DH because he 'supports them' then there is some good advice. I hope the OP is able to just wade through all the bullshit to find that advice without it adding to her stress

Excellent post.

It’s fine not to understand much about neurodiversity, not everyone can be experts in everything. But equally if you know nothing about it, why comment on a thread that is out of your realm of experience and expertise?
I know very little about eating disorders, thankfully it’s not something I’ve experienced in myself or my loved ones. So I wouldn’t go on a thread with a mother worrying about her anorexia child, for example, and post ‘have you tried telling them to eat more?’.
And no, I’m not comparing neurodiversity to an eating disorder, it’s just an example to make a point about not commenting on things you don’t understand (and making an already struggling poster feel even more shit).

I am just recounting my own lived experience.

Don’t shout at me for not doing something I am nervous of doing because I will dig my heels in and I will never do it.

Don’t withhold presents, nice things or even food because I don’t have the same need to get any of the above and it is just a meaningless threat. I can live without food longer than you can.

Dont try to bribe me I don’t look
on things the same way as a NT

Don’t say words that are literally ridiculous. It will just confuse me. “You need a good slap” What’s the difference between a “good” slap and a “bad” slap.

I can understand why your DS didn’t go to college. However your dh made the situation all about him. He made no effort to understand how your autistic child’s brain works and has made a bad situation worse

Another thing.

Don’t tell me I can’t do something because I won’t even try to do it. I mean why would you put in all the effort to try if you are going to fail

I like your posts koala
Thank you for your insights.
May I ask you what your own school experience, job, life trajectory has been?
What would you have changed if you could?
What is the best way of persuading you to do or try something and how much time do you need to get out/how much prep/how many choices?
Thanks in advance x

You're doing yourself a massive disservice but that's your choice. My entire household is ND and this is definitely not the method we use regularly, by choice, as we assessed the pros and cons.

My thoughts are that he likes paying because he likes control and throwing his weight around and if BlondeSpider were allowed to work and earn money he knows she would leave.

Of course. He must be loving living with a ND formerly suicidal teenager who hits him, another one filled with anxiety and their non-paying, full of excuses mother escaping parenting. Who wouldn't want to pay for them all and who wouldn't revel in this set up. 🙄