DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

[BlondeSpider]

I do not even know where to start because my head is all over the place. Today was supposed to be such a big day for us. DS is 14 and was due to start at a 14 plus college after being out of school for more than a year. He stopped going back just after Christmas in year 8. His mental health had been declining for a while before that and then I found out he had been self harming. His anxiety was through the roof and it got to the point where he just could not manage. CAMHS were no help at all. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall every time I tried to get support. Eventually I deregistered him from school and homeschooled. It has been very up and down but he is bright and when he is calm he is lovely. I paid privately in the end for an autism assessment because waiting for the NHS was going to take years. He now has a diagnosis which in some ways was a relief but also quite overwhelming.

This summer has been really hard. DS has been difficult to live with. He is angry a lot of the time and everything is an argument. His anxiety is still there and when he is stressed it turns into lashing out verbally and sometimes physically. We have had things thrown, doors slammed, endless shouting matches. It has been exhausting, I think it's mostly due to puberty as he's had a growth spurt recently and his voice has dropped

DD is his twin. She has generally managed better with school and life in general but she has been struggling too, especially with his behaviour. She loves him and worries about him and is quite protective over him. She was supposed to be starting year 10 today which is a big year with GCSEs coming up.

This morning they both set out together for the bus stop. DS was nervous but I felt cautiously hopeful. It felt like maybe this was a turning point. But they never went. They did not get on the bus and they were gone most of the day. They ignored my calls and texts and would not say where they were. When they finally came home later on it all kicked off.

DP was furious. He immediately took their phones off them which caused a huge row. DS completely lost it and hit DP on the arm. DP reacted by shoving him back. It was not hard enough to hurt but it was physical and I just feel really uncomfortable about that. Then DP turned on DD and shouted at her for not making sure DS went in and for covering for him. He told her she had let everyone down. She just stood there crying.

I honestly do not know what to think. I understand why DP was so angry because I was too. We have been through hell trying to get DS back into education and today felt like such an important chance. But at the same time I feel like DP handled it badly. DD should not have had all that responsibility put on her and I do not think shouting at her was fair at all. And even though DS hit him first I still do not like that he shoved him back. The atmosphere in the house is awful now and I feel like we are right back at square one.

AIBU to think DP was too heavy handed and made things worse. Or am I just being soft?

But you did - you knew they were gojng together and that he would be difficult so what did you think would happen

Your DP was so far out of line with what he said he isn’t even on the same playing field and he needs to apologise

but you need to take responsibility and not let them go together - mine always goes separately she needs to leave and protect her own education.

DP is refusing to give them their phones and listening to music on his phone is the main thing he does to soothe and he hasn't done that. I also don't really feel comfortable with DD travelling to school without her phone

Then go and get the phones and give them back. YOU are the parent so it’s YOUR decision

Why does he get a bloody say

and of course your DD needs to go in tomorrow

I'm all for home ed in this kind of situation, but I don't actually think your logic works here - if you are willing to quit work to home ed, then you might as well quit work to drive him to school each day and then do some kind of money-making activity (or even just exercise & housework, if you might need to keep picking him up) while he is there, if you think the school environment and course access would actually help him.

Massive drip feeds here!

Why does your DP get to confiscate their phones if you don’t agree? Surely you should put your foot down and say, no, this is his way of self soothing. Can he listen to music any other way?

He sounds awful from this drip feed, not like a father figure at all, but an abusive bully.

But you also sound very passive in all of this - both re your son and your “D”P.

This!

And if you can’t get them back you can drive the kids, or at least dd, in.

Maybe do that on your way to the police station to report the stolen phones.

I have a distinct suspicion that a lot of this issues would be improved by not having to live with an angry man.

Why can't you drive him until you are no longer able to due to starting a new job?

I'm sorry, but your child needs support not a firm hand.
Its quite obvious to me, that he isn't capable of coping with education.
That needs to be explored, it needs to be broken down into segments and you need to help him figure out what he can and cannot cope with, and which things he can do on a sliding scale, of good days to bad days.

What was the advice given within his outcome report? What support was reccommended that he have?

I think you need to really take a look at how DS can be supported, and how you can work around his needs, or in all likelihood he isn't going to have any more education than he has at current. Pushing him, and being heavy handed when he needs support will make him internalise all of these struggles more than he already does, so I think you need to work on making things fit around him, and building around that.

My DD wasn't diagnosed with Autism until year 12- and by that point we were clear that for her to continue her education, that I would need to take her to and from college (a college over 40 miles away, teaches a specialist subject linked to her special interest) every time we have tried to rely on public transport she has been really quite unwell. She's fainted, had panic attacks, been physically sick and each time I've had to go and get her anyway.

I think as parents we need to try and make things happen for them, as we figure out how to break down the barriers they struggle with, and to do that, we really need to understand their struggles, and not that they're just being arseholes.

Also, your DD was put in an awful situation being blamed for her brothers actions. I think she was trying to do the best in an uncomfortable situation.

Your DD could have phoned you and said he’s still at the bus stop I’m going to school. Or both come home.

Both kids chose not to go to school today and chose to ignore your calls. I agree both should lose phone privileges

your DS is absolutely old enough to know he can’t go round physically attacking people, autism or not. So I can understand the fact your DP shoved him back

I can’t understand why you didn’t drive your DS. Even if that needs to be his routine from now on if you do- surely that’s what you do if it means he goes to school? And then DD won’t have to feel responsible too

Your DP is not their dad and does not get to decide the consequences. You do. I actually agree with no phones for the night and I’d also take them off them tomorrow night too. But it is up to you not him and if you say you want the phones back, he needs to listen to you. The fact he seems to rule the roost is concerning

That. I don't know why some posters are implying that they planned this. It's far more likely that, knowing her brother's mental state, she was scared to leave him alone when he refused to get the bus.

She really shouldn't ever be part if the plan to get him to school.

Just tell him you’ll drive him tomorrow or for one week or whatever and then he gets the bus with his sister. That’s pretty normal for starting school.

I think getting angry at them for not being contactable all day was completely understandable as you must have been very worried and they need to know that, however I think the point is being missed here, that forget all the punishment stuff, you need to get to the bottom of WHY he didn't go into school, listen to and empathise with his reasons, then think about how to fix it.Otherwise you won't be dealing with the root cause of the issue and will likely have continued further problems with him going in if he doesn't feel heard or supported and is just thrown punishments.The lashing out side isn't ideal at his age, no, but to reduce his physical anger you need to try and reduce the triggers for it....and not model physical reactions yourselves.

I gave up work because DS was actively going through a MH crisis so I obviously couldn't leave him home alone. I don't think DP would agree to me staying home just to drive him in as he'd definitely see that as me doing nothing.

I did say that's how he soothes but DP said he doesn't deserve his phone, I have no idea where he's put them. I also told him not to talk to DD like that and he just blanked me. My main focus was making sure both DC were ok.

I think you need to take him, when he gets to like going, you can drop back, he clearly needs the support:

It seems you would prefer home school to taking him to colledge, you need to build up the in-between.

Donuts some work or no work!

I don’t think your DP helped the situation, and now made it worse.

So difficult. I do think you need a plan if your son doesn’t manage to go back though x

Your husband is making things massively worse and modelling screaming and shouting to an angry teenager is not going to end well. It is frankly abusive of him to blame your poor daughter for any of this. Your husband behaved like a complete and total dick.

Your DP isn't their dad. Who TF does he think he is, taking their phones and then refusing to give them back when you've asked for them?

OP, you're right, he's making things worse.

Take. Their. Phones. Away.

Both of you physically drop them off if you can at school and college. Your DP was right to bollock them both; they can’t just skip school and they both behaved terribly.

Oh my God, he's not even their father? Get rid of the dickhead partner and look after your kids.

100%.

Did he pay for the phones? If not he is a thief as well as an aggressive dickhead. Get rid of him.

I am writing this as a mum of a now 19 year old DS with ASD and although I know as well as any one that children are vastly different from child to child, I can say with absolute confidence that you have to have red line boundaries in place in my experience or you are setting yourself up to fail.

Sometimes as hard as it is, you have to reinforce a hard boundary because you are preparing and supporting your child to survive in the real world, and although we can make adjustments to make things easier, every single person has to follow rules and laws. One day DS will need to be able to live with some degree of independence, perhaps with a job, in order to survive and build his life.

Its obvious you are trying everything you can think of to be supportive-and having firm boundaries does not mean loving your child less, or not supporting them-its about helping them grow into adults who recognise how to function in the world in the best way they can and fulfilling their potential.

Personally, I would 100% support the phone confiscation. I think it is both appropriate and proportionate. If music is so important, you need to provide an alternative therapeutic way for your son to access this in the future to calm down and not as an excuse to give back his phone if phone has been taken away as a consequence. Lets be honest, it wont just be spotify or whatever he uses if you do.

Regards DD, fully agree with other posters that she could have phoned and told you the situation and it is also not OK she is being pulled into not attending school- if DD can be trusted to get herself in school then she should be allowed to dothis on her own.

I would allow your son time to cool off (i learned over many years that mid meltdown I may as well try and negotiate with a wasps nest as have a sensible conversation with DS) and I think you need to set down some expectations and rewards/ consequences. It will feel like the hardest thing at first but honestly its the best and kindest thing you can do.

I'm sorry, I know it is hard-I have lived it, but the only person who can really improve this is you, one little bit, one little win, at a time. Good luck OP.

Edited spelling awful

This

If your son doesn't go back to school can you still go back to work?

You choices seem to be escort your son to school to make sure he is getting an education and the best start in life or hope that he will eventually make his own way to school and you got to work or he will have to home educate himself to a level that will see him having some kind of employment in the future while you work.

The way I see it you don't really have a choice but escort him to school on the beginning and go from there because your other choices are pretty grim for his future.

I have a teenager with asd who has had mental health issues, I know it isn't easy but this isn't just going to fix itself. If he doesn't get some kind of education now what does his future look like and what impact will that have on your future?