DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

[BlondeSpider]

I do not even know where to start because my head is all over the place. Today was supposed to be such a big day for us. DS is 14 and was due to start at a 14 plus college after being out of school for more than a year. He stopped going back just after Christmas in year 8. His mental health had been declining for a while before that and then I found out he had been self harming. His anxiety was through the roof and it got to the point where he just could not manage. CAMHS were no help at all. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall every time I tried to get support. Eventually I deregistered him from school and homeschooled. It has been very up and down but he is bright and when he is calm he is lovely. I paid privately in the end for an autism assessment because waiting for the NHS was going to take years. He now has a diagnosis which in some ways was a relief but also quite overwhelming.

This summer has been really hard. DS has been difficult to live with. He is angry a lot of the time and everything is an argument. His anxiety is still there and when he is stressed it turns into lashing out verbally and sometimes physically. We have had things thrown, doors slammed, endless shouting matches. It has been exhausting, I think it's mostly due to puberty as he's had a growth spurt recently and his voice has dropped

DD is his twin. She has generally managed better with school and life in general but she has been struggling too, especially with his behaviour. She loves him and worries about him and is quite protective over him. She was supposed to be starting year 10 today which is a big year with GCSEs coming up.

This morning they both set out together for the bus stop. DS was nervous but I felt cautiously hopeful. It felt like maybe this was a turning point. But they never went. They did not get on the bus and they were gone most of the day. They ignored my calls and texts and would not say where they were. When they finally came home later on it all kicked off.

DP was furious. He immediately took their phones off them which caused a huge row. DS completely lost it and hit DP on the arm. DP reacted by shoving him back. It was not hard enough to hurt but it was physical and I just feel really uncomfortable about that. Then DP turned on DD and shouted at her for not making sure DS went in and for covering for him. He told her she had let everyone down. She just stood there crying.

I honestly do not know what to think. I understand why DP was so angry because I was too. We have been through hell trying to get DS back into education and today felt like such an important chance. But at the same time I feel like DP handled it badly. DD should not have had all that responsibility put on her and I do not think shouting at her was fair at all. And even though DS hit him first I still do not like that he shoved him back. The atmosphere in the house is awful now and I feel like we are right back at square one.

AIBU to think DP was too heavy handed and made things worse. Or am I just being soft?

Everything you’ve said here shows you are not helping your kids. Listen to the other posters. Stop making excuses for them. Get a spine and parent your kids. They need you to do the right thing not the soft/understanding thing if you want them to get anywhere in life.

Phone addictions are NOT soothing - they harm development especially in neurodiverse children and adults. It’s unhealthy to have prolonged phone time. Your DP is stepping up where you are not - they are lucky to have him making a stand.

Again you are focusing on DP, and not dealt with the real issue which is trying to get your son back into mainstream school. If you have lived as a family that long why wouldn't you expect him to have any say? Reading your comments it seems you just want a meal ticket. Where is the biological father in all of this?

No, you’ve made it unlikely he’ll go back, not your DP. Take responsibility.

Not sure whether you're better off going to women's aid or local equivalent and getting out sooner vs. living with more of the same for years.

I think you could do with understanding the financial position/ likely length of time you'd be waiting for social housing and where it might be located. So you could do with precise financial advice.

If this is how he behaves I don't know that you're going to succeed in getting your son back into school whilst you're still living with him. Even if it's not deliberate sabotage it's a level of misunderstanding that you can't work with.

If they're going to try catching the bus again, your daughter needs strategies for what to do if her brother refuses to get on the bus / get off at his stop.

Doesn’t matter if it’s his routine. Phones are privileges. I’m autistic and so is my daughter so I understand complex needs. Can’t underscore enough the damage caused by reliance on phones for soothing meltdowns/shutdowns - the possibility for addiction and YouTube/coercion etc is rife on teenagers brains and neurodiverse a lot more vulnerable. Have to have non device soothing methods.

I think you need to contact the college as ask for help, see what they suggest about getting him to school.

Jumping straight to giving the whole thing up doesn’t sound like a good outcome for you or your son.

If you have been in an abusive relationship since your son was 6, the living situation is likely a massive contributor to your son’s anxiety levels and lack of stability.

It doesn’t sound like waiting another couple of years until you are in a better position to leave is the best decision for your kids as they are both going to be doing GCSES soon and if things continue this way they won’t have much of a future.

Contact women’s aid and discuss if leaving sooner might be possible.

You need to be there for your son’s first day of school. Your daughter can manage but he is in crisis and needs you to help him regulate. He’s had so much time off, he can’t just reintegrate at the flick of a switch. Take him in, help him. He needs you. Tell your DP to stay away, his screaming and shouting and shoving is escalating the situation. Your poor son. And your poor daughter trying to protect him. Get your DP to back off and let you support your kids as much as they need. Once your son has made friends and learnt the routine he will go on the bus by himself. He needs your help to get in the first day. My daughter has been off school since February with anxiety. I managed to get her in today, but she was tearful and fearful and couldn’t not have done it without me there. We also had a trial run yesterday and met with her teacher to see where she would be sitting, and who next to, and they made up cards that she can put on her desk when she needs a break. She ended up excited about going in and despite huge nerves she had a fantastic day and is looking forward to going in tomorrow. Your son needs your unwavering support. And he also needs your reassurance and understanding that missing school today isn’t the end of the world, you’ll just go with him tomorrow. Don’t let him down, he needs you.

Omg I’ve just read the rest of your posts. your partner is abusive. Don’t go back to work, if you leave him the council will house you, or kick him out and the council will cover your rent if you’re not working and you have a disabled child and are escaping an abusive partner, which he is. Or call Refuge or Women’s Aid and they will help you - your son needs his phone to regulate and your DP
has no right to take either of your children’s phones away. Don’t wait to get a job to leave him, do it right now and take the time to be with your kids, not working. You can definitely make it work financially, talk to CAB or Women’s Aid, and see what you’re entitled to. And tell your kids that your DP is wrong. They need you to advocate for them. He’s a bully and you need to get him out of your lives.

I think you need a combination of reward and consequence.
If they don't go to school they lose their phones and electronics for a week.
If they do go to school then each week they get a set amount of money as a reward, or something else which motivates them. Offer the same for DD regardless of her not needing it so she doesn't feel its yet again unfair.
Privately explain to DD that the reaction was because of concern about not answering phones, that you're pleased she's so loyal to DS but that not answering the phone to let you know they were OK wasn't the right choice.

OP is being abused and you’re using bullying language against her too. Where’s your humanity.

Right. This. Please listen OP this man is awful without him your kids will be much more settled. I am pretty sure some of your son's anger is down to your boyfriend's abuse. And the way he screamed at your daughter was appalling.

Your boyfriend is abusive. He is not their father. Their behaviour is very likely a reaction to and very definitely being exacerbated by his abuse. He screamed at your daughter and hit your son. He stole your property. Your children are children and their behaviour is a separate issue from his and can be tackled when they no longer live with their mum's abusive boyfriend. Changes to your parenting can also be tackled when you are no longer in an abusive relationship.

Get legal advice and get your kids away from him.

Is she being abused? I’ve read the posts. He sounds unsupportive but also at his rats end. Income has dropped and he’s had to be bread winner. Other way to read it is he made a couple of comments that she wasn’t earning.

He does sound unsupportive of the son’s autism but another way to look at it is he had a lot pinned on kids attending school and OP going back to work. He’s literally proving a roof over all their heads at the moment as OP can’t and that’s a lot of pressure. Support from women’s aid and council will be limited.

Yes he was wrong to tell off DD but she has some responsibility here for not going to OP. He doesn’t sound physically abusive, he reacted and could probably have been scared at the violence and at end of tether. It’s impossible to conclude either way with OP’s posts. But being a step parent can be lose lose situation, and must be frustrating if he feels OP constantly makes excuses for her kids. It’s fine for OO to single handedly dictate if she was a single mum but she’s not, she’s living in his house and relying on him for food and board. Re private autism assessment they are thousands - his money isn’t family money. OP obviously resents this but I can see DP’s hesitancy,

As for taking phones - sounds like misplaced attempts to discipline not stealing property. Sounds like genuinely trying to step up in parent role in the home. If he was hiding phones and shoving for no reason, that would be abusive but phone removal is a common consequence.

ive read all your posts, and I’m sorry this is happening. I know you’re focussed on getting back to work and supporting kids and so not keen on rocking the boat perhaps but I want to say that if this was me and my children, I would contact women’s aid and local council tomorrow and leave with them. He’s not their dad, he cannot mess this up as badly as he is doing and there be no boundary line. You will be able to be more of the great mum you sound like if you show your kids that your priorities are them and not this man who solves stuff with violence. He sounds like a twat given what he has said to you. Please, be safe, and leave as soon as you can.

Obv it would be better if your DP didn't react in anger, although if he was pushing him away to stop the attack then that's understandable. Tbh it's better he learns the consequences now because if he hits another teenage boy he may well end up getting much more than a shove back.

It's tough because at his age with these issues he likely can't see the long run, but obv he can't stay at home forever. Finding something he enjoys or can at least tolerate would be beneficial. Plenty of options if he wouldn't do well in a typical office environment. My mate's son is autistic and is a software programmer. Makes a good living and is good at it.

Losing their phones is a natural consequence of not using it for purpose surely? It was bad of thern not to answer their phones, you said yourself he'd self harmed was suicidal. Why jot try backing DP up on this. Could you use DS DLA for a taxi to college instead?

It sounds to me like your DH is at his wit’s end with your kids. I don’t think he was wrong taking the phones away. Obviously the shoving was a bridge too far, but your kid shoved too. Neither is okay. I honestly think that you have a small window during which you can “force” your kids to go to school and allow them to defeat their anxiety. That would be the bigggest confidence booster. The fact that kids know that they can get away with school refusal due to conditions such as these fosters a lot more truancy, but schools are already understaffed and underfunded and I don’t think they have the resources to either chase kids down or help resolve the issues that affect each individual’s behaviour. I would recommend family counselling for you all and location sharing on the phone being a contingent for continued use. (I’m assuming you’re paying for them.)

Considering how fraught this was of a day I don’t understand why you didn’t do them off. Even if it was at the top of the road.

it’s not fair to make DD responsible for her brothers behaviour.

and at the end of the day teens have phones so their parents can contact them. If you don’t allow contact on the phone, then you don’t need it

Have a word with yourself.

The phones are not his, he has hidden them and refuses to give her back her property.

He doesn't get to scream at her children and hit her son. At absolute minimum he WAS abusive to her kids. Irrefutably so. And obviously it will not have been the first time. So yes, that is abusive towards her too as she is their mother and it is dreadfully emotionally distressing to see your child being abused by an adult.

No matter what his excuses or stressors he does not get to abuse her children.

I would be astonished if her son's anger is not massively exacerbated by her boyfriend shouting and throwing his weight around.

It's not working. She needs to protect her kids and leave him.

So what is your plan for when you leave to afford somewhere?

or if DS school refuses again and you can’t work.

I think you obviously struggling and you have all ended up in situation that is unexpected and it’s causing a massive strain on all of you.

can you get some support from SS?

I'm sorry but all your updates still don't properly explain why you didn't drive him.

saying 'he'll get used to it and not want to accept any other way' is just nuts when that is the ONLY way you can (potentially) get him to attend. There was absolutely zero chance he would go in today and there was nothing your DD could have done to change it, and now you are blaming this confrontation for the fact the he likely won't go tomorrow.. he was never going to go tomorrow either!

Stop blaming everyone and everything and just do what needs to be done for the time being, step one is getting him in the door, as his parent that is down to you so delegating that to your daughter while you stayed at home was a huge mistake.. you blew your best chance, and whether you agreed or not, YOU are the one that has put your daughter in that position and that is the catalyst for this whole mess tonight! None of that would have happened if you would have taken responsibility for getting him there.

Either concentrate on getting a job, or concentrate on getting your son to school.. you are sitting at home daydreaming about hypothetical problems while seemingly doing nothing to make either thing actually happen, you can't do both at the same time right now so just pick one and do it properly.

I don’t think blaming your partner is helpful at all really, without him you would truly be in the shit. Either you are a family and you share finances AND child raising including discipline or you are simply cohabiting and you are solely responsible for raising and disciplining your kids and funding them too. You can’t have it both ways where your partner pays for everything for you and your kids but gets no say in raising them. That being said he hasn’t reacted well at all and pushing your son is a red flag that this behaviour will likely escalate as your son grows up. Sounds like you all need family therapy to work on behaviour management and communication. Or just leave him because everyone sounds miserable.

Don’t blame your husband . You gentle parenting them?

af that age they should no better. My primary school children no better

i don't think the op's relationship with her son is healthy, there is something about this dynamic which is bringing about way more drama than necessary.
a little bit like failure to launch syndrome where the op is extremely fearful of worse case outcomes; her son dying or living on the streets. then the son using this fear to continue being mollycoddled and not moving forward in life.
the relationship with her partner has suffered and is extremely strained at this point, most likely beyond repair.
i don't view his actions as crossing the line into abuse base on the post; pushing the son or withholding the phones.

the daughter is caught in the middle and if the mother son dynamic is this dysfunctional i'm not sure i would suggest she live with her mom and brother at this time.