DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

[BlondeSpider]

I do not even know where to start because my head is all over the place. Today was supposed to be such a big day for us. DS is 14 and was due to start at a 14 plus college after being out of school for more than a year. He stopped going back just after Christmas in year 8. His mental health had been declining for a while before that and then I found out he had been self harming. His anxiety was through the roof and it got to the point where he just could not manage. CAMHS were no help at all. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall every time I tried to get support. Eventually I deregistered him from school and homeschooled. It has been very up and down but he is bright and when he is calm he is lovely. I paid privately in the end for an autism assessment because waiting for the NHS was going to take years. He now has a diagnosis which in some ways was a relief but also quite overwhelming.

This summer has been really hard. DS has been difficult to live with. He is angry a lot of the time and everything is an argument. His anxiety is still there and when he is stressed it turns into lashing out verbally and sometimes physically. We have had things thrown, doors slammed, endless shouting matches. It has been exhausting, I think it's mostly due to puberty as he's had a growth spurt recently and his voice has dropped

DD is his twin. She has generally managed better with school and life in general but she has been struggling too, especially with his behaviour. She loves him and worries about him and is quite protective over him. She was supposed to be starting year 10 today which is a big year with GCSEs coming up.

This morning they both set out together for the bus stop. DS was nervous but I felt cautiously hopeful. It felt like maybe this was a turning point. But they never went. They did not get on the bus and they were gone most of the day. They ignored my calls and texts and would not say where they were. When they finally came home later on it all kicked off.

DP was furious. He immediately took their phones off them which caused a huge row. DS completely lost it and hit DP on the arm. DP reacted by shoving him back. It was not hard enough to hurt but it was physical and I just feel really uncomfortable about that. Then DP turned on DD and shouted at her for not making sure DS went in and for covering for him. He told her she had let everyone down. She just stood there crying.

I honestly do not know what to think. I understand why DP was so angry because I was too. We have been through hell trying to get DS back into education and today felt like such an important chance. But at the same time I feel like DP handled it badly. DD should not have had all that responsibility put on her and I do not think shouting at her was fair at all. And even though DS hit him first I still do not like that he shoved him back. The atmosphere in the house is awful now and I feel like we are right back at square one.

AIBU to think DP was too heavy handed and made things worse. Or am I just being soft?

Well if he doesn’t, he can end the relationship, surely?

Of course. He may also be staying out of sense of responsibility for them all, habit or emotional tie to the OP, or he can't afford to divorce.

Well either you can drive him to school, which you say will prevent you from working, or you can not drive him which means he won’t go which means he’ll be at home which means you won’t be able to work either. There’s not point clinging to this daydream of a third option where he takes himself to school on the bus, it’s a non starter. Drive him to school, get him properly settled into a routine, and try to find work that fits around it. Once he’s settled at school you may be able to switch to him taking the bus. What you’re currently doing is worrying about him not coping with change and trying to force one massive change onto him when actually you could split it into two smaller (but still pretty big) changes. You’d need a gap between the two changes, make sure he is properly established at school before you talk about him getting the bus. Trying to go straight to him taking himself to school on the bus was very unlikely to work, it’s just too overwhelming.

You are a bad parent because you can’t even be bothered to take him to school and you don’t even work so what is your justification for that?

But wheres the money coming from if op cant work to drive ds to school?? I think you have got it the wrong way around. Theres no magic option for op to not work so she cannot be there to drive or bus him to school. She obviously cant keep living off partners money. If he doesn’t have the right to implement punishments eg taking the phone, its a bit of a stretch to expect him to financially support them

Erm, the whole point is that ds has to go to school by himself so op can start work?

Also, where/ how is she meant to just find this magic job that is available to take her and fits around ds school?

STOP excusing expecting your daughter to parent her sibling. You should never have put her in this position. I think you are totally jumping forward here. Like yes what your DP did was wrong, but what you did was wrong too. You're not being realistic for your son. You need to come up with a new plan because he didn't use the bus on day one and stopped his sister going to school too. So you need a plan which for not at least sees YOU getting your son to school, or home education or something, but not just duping him on his sister.

By looking for it and applying instead of picking a job that doesn't work in her circumstances and then actively sabotaging that plan in any event.

So the best thing would be to make sure he is comfortable getting there and going in and settled.. not just leaving it to chance!

There's no point saying 'if I did it once he'd expect it all the time' when it is quite obvious he was never going to go in, don't even get me started on making her daughter responsible for him!

She is available NOW, it doesn't matter if she is 'planning' on getting a job down the line, she hasn't actually got one, or is in the process of getting one, so the most important thing is supporting her son to go to school herself.. if he doesn't go to school she can't get a job anyway.. so she needs to make sure he has the support from her he needs while she is available to give it!

"I'm planning on going back to work "

So you were available this morning, but didn't take your ds to school despite knowing he was anxious and it would be difficult for him. Essentially, you couldn't be bothered. Wow!

This is on you. Maybe try to support your dcs more.

So much ableism on this thread. The bus was a perfectly sensible plan. It hasn't worked and that's now the issue but there was no reason not to try it, and indeed many reasons why it was very much worth a shot. Kudos to everyone raising ND and disabled kids and teens. I'm not but I take my hat off to all of you!

Agreed. I can’t get over how many people think he should have no say over children’s behaviours in his own home. Heck, any child in my home even if it’s just a play date will be told appropriately when behaviour is poor.
His response seems perfectly reasonable to me. Behaviour has consequences, autism or no autism.
OP seemed perfectly happy to allow DD to play parent…. (Which btw was not ok given the circumstances). OP should have ensured he safety got on the bus at the very least (even if that meant watching from afar).

I’m so sorry, @BlondeSpider , as this is an awful lot that you carry and have carried.

BUT
it’s even MORE important then that you get DS into school!!!
so you have that break
and he has that support

By not taking him in, you have zero chance of getting a job and having some respite.

Take him in.

Then why did he do the one thing that guaranteed he would keep on paying for them all.

He has had 1 year of BlondeSpider being without work and money and he loves the control it gives him.

All he had to do was step back and let BlondeSpider deal with her DS and dd and she would have got the DS back into college and her back in a job and be earning money and planning a future without her dh.

But the dh wants control more than anything else and he knows he won’t get that if BlondeSpider goes back to work.

I think you are giving her too much kudos here as she decided not to take her DS that first morning.