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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

782 replies

Neil90 · 03/09/2025 13:23

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

OP posts:
Original poster

Neil90 · 03/09/2025 13:40

Pinned

German shepard dogs not alligators

Maddy70 · 03/09/2025 13:26

Yabu. That is her custody time and she has sought childcare for when she is working
You don't have a say in that

I agree it's not ideal why can't the grandparent look after her in your ex's house

Edit ..She won't be working all the time either? Surely this is the odd night as you have her half the time. She won't be working 7 days a week

Luxio · 03/09/2025 13:28

I'm going to be honest I stopped reading when you started talking about alligators. Hmm

MarxistMags · 03/09/2025 13:28

Alligator ? In the street ?
I'm not trying to minimise your problem but where on earth do you live 🤔

CracklingFlames · 03/09/2025 13:29

Why do you have to go to court? Why can't she just come to you when mum is working? Can't you change the days to accommodate mums working hours?

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 03/09/2025 13:29

I think Alligators is an autocorrect for Alsations.

Tiswa · 03/09/2025 13:30

The court will I think stick to 50/50 - your ex is working and has childcare all of which are fine.

I could see how this might move it to 50/50 but beyond that the time she is at work is mainly when your daughter is sleeping

Shitmonger · 03/09/2025 13:31

The alligators threw me too. OP is either in Florida or has had a serious autocorrect incident. 😂

Is she concerned about maintenance? Can you reassure her on that front? What does your daughter want to do?

ComfortFoodCafe · 03/09/2025 13:31

“If she does not want to care for your child” shes working, earning money to provide for your child not going out partying! Seriously yabu, no wonder she left you.

FuzzyWolf · 03/09/2025 13:31

The alligators need to be kept under control! However, whilst I completely see your side it is up to your ex to arrange childcare during her custody time and it sounds like that’s what she has done.

Luxio · 03/09/2025 13:31

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 03/09/2025 13:29

I think Alligators is an autocorrect for Alsations.

That's quite an autocorrect.

Either way she is entitled to choose childcare for her child whether you approve of it or not. I can't see a court siding with you here.

ForMerryMauveDreamer · 03/09/2025 13:33

Can you change the arrangements so that daughter is with you when mum is working?

if not, then court is your only option. You’ll have to go to mediation first which could potentially work for you if you have a decent relationship.

I’m not sure it would go your way as it’s really nothing to do with you what care the other parent arranges on their time. Unless you can prove it’s a safeguarding issue. You need advice from a solicitor if you want to go down this route, not MN.

drspouse · 03/09/2025 13:33

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 03/09/2025 13:29

I think Alligators is an autocorrect for Alsations.

How disappointing!
While this isn't ideal it's probably true that you can't do much about it.
However, not having a proper bed is a red flag for social services. While it won't stop the smoking issue, can you mention this to your ex and ask that her mother babysit at her own house not the GM flat, and you can point out that you have proof that your DD has slept at the flat on the sofa for 3 out of the previous 4 nights and you could easily get a social worker to take interest

harriethoyle · 03/09/2025 13:33

🐊🐊

ViaRia01 · 03/09/2025 13:34

@Neil90 Do you smoke, OP?

Original poster
Neil90 · 03/09/2025 13:35

Ex has decided to hand her over to her mother for all of her 50% with her as she believes its whats best so that daughter isn't in-between 3 homes, daughter is very unhappy living with grandma, she's living out of a duffle bag and sleeping on a sofa that stinks of smoke so its not a good environment for her when she could be in her own bedroom, ex will visit daughter at her mums but has decided to not have her staying in her house anymore

OP posts:
Lightuptheroom · 03/09/2025 13:35

This would be viewed in court as your ex making childcare provision during her time, which just happens to be overnight.
One suggestion would be for grandparent to look after child in child's own home. It also needs to be considered can the 50/50 actual days/nights be changed around to accommodate mums shifts better or is she doing full time nights ? So for example daughter has her 50% with you when mum is working and mums 50% is when mum isn't working. I can understand mum not wanting to have daughter living with you full time with her visiting because that's not the arrangement she has now and would become very restrictive very quickly.

INeedAnotherName · 03/09/2025 13:35

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever,

Where the fuck do you live, Florida?

Original poster
Neil90 · 03/09/2025 13:35

@ViaRia01I do not smoke

OP posts:
Lennonjingles · 03/09/2025 13:37

How many days over a 14 day period is DD staying with the grandmother, if it’s everyday that your ex has your DD, then you may have to go to Court to go for full custody. I would give reason of DD not having her own bed and the smoking, rather than the area the grandmother lives in.

Lightuptheroom · 03/09/2025 13:37

Just seen your update, do you mean that your daughter isn't living with mum at all at the moment ? I think you need proper legal advice as this is a bit more than just arranged childcare

ForMerryMauveDreamer · 03/09/2025 13:37

Neil90 · 03/09/2025 13:35

Ex has decided to hand her over to her mother for all of her 50% with her as she believes its whats best so that daughter isn't in-between 3 homes, daughter is very unhappy living with grandma, she's living out of a duffle bag and sleeping on a sofa that stinks of smoke so its not a good environment for her when she could be in her own bedroom, ex will visit daughter at her mums but has decided to not have her staying in her house anymore

This changes things. I would see a solicitor OP. Do you have this in writing from
the ex?

Daughter permanently sleeping on the sofa without her own space is not ok.

Moonnstars · 03/09/2025 13:38

You need to get proper advice. Speak to a family solicitor and they will help you and be able to give a better idea whether pursuing for full custody is worth it.
It is always harder for dads (from my own families experience, where mums do get looked on more favourably whatever the circumstance).

Doggymummar · 03/09/2025 13:39

Hmm, where do you live that has alligators in the street?

Original poster
Neil90 · 03/09/2025 13:40

@ForMerryMauveDreamernothing solid in writing, a few texts but nothing that would be any good.

OP posts:
Original poster
Neil90 · 03/09/2025 13:40

German shepard dogs not alligators

OP posts:
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