Parents Begging Their Children… What Happened to Parenting?

[Katherina198819]

Every time I’m out with my children- playgrounds, shops, playgroups, nursery pick-ups- I see it: parents begging their kids. A 3-year-old is playing happily in the sand, having the time of their life. The parent comes over and says, “Would you like to go?” Of course the child shouts “No!”—why wouldn’t they? They want to stay. The parent keeps pleading: “Please, let’s go… Would you like to put on your shoes?” The child gets frustrated; why would they want to put on shoes if they don’t want to leave? It goes on for 15 minutes, sometimes longer, until the child is finally dragged away screaming.

This isn’t a one-off: I see it constantly. We’ve entered a world where parents don’t really parent. They call it “embracing emotions” or “teaching moments”, but in reality, they’re not guiding their kids. Not everything has to be a lesson or an emotional workshop. Sometimes parenting is just about doing, not negotiating.

I think expecting children to make decisions like this sets them up for failure. They don’t understand that you need to go home, cook dinner, or do your tax paperwork; they only know you asked if they wanted to go, and they said no. Parenting isn’t therapy. Sometimes it’s just guidance, plain and simple.

Oh goody, we haven't had a thread on this in about 3.5 seconds!

Good for you ,your a perfect parent and everyone else is terrible 🙄

Why are you watching other people and their children for 15 minutes at a time?

And just like that, two short snippy snipy comments without any critical thinking.

Parenting is easy. You just have to get a few imaginary children and be firm but fair. Alternatively, you could travel back in time and parent your imaginary children in 1995, when real parenting existed - but only when you aren’t dragging them to the pub.

It's so shocking isn't it. I was at a lovely sand filled playground yesterday and a woman spent ages trying to persuade a very recalcitrant child to move off the pirate ship steps so that others could climb up. It was a litany of 'darlings, be kind, think of others, sweetheart, can you listen to mummy please, let's share'. Doing the child absolutely no favours as I'm sure she starts school soon and will end up loathed by the other kids and not very popular with the teacher either. My husband said what an awful little girl and I tried, not for the first time, to explain gentle parenting to him. Truth is she wasn't a vile little girl just a little girl with misguided, selfish parents.

For real, as someone who was parented pretty well, firm but fair and who tries to be firm but fair to my Children (with the occasional concession because I just cant
face a meltdown) I’m not sure what people think has changed so much (of course a long time ago children were physically scared of their parents!). My mam never smacked me, shouted at me or expected me to be seen and not heard, she was firm and has reasonable expectation.

Totally agree. Parents need to stop this nonsense and parent. I know a 14 yo who was raised like that and now just tell her parents to Fuck Off to everything and is out of control.

What did you expect the parent to do? Physically move her? That works for very small children but older Children need to be given the opportunity to make their own good decision and then warned before you move them.

I call it the gentle parenting purity spiral. There's parts of gentle parenting I'm all for but the bit I really didn't get on with were the long wanky scripts for these sorts of situations.

Are you ok??? My kid was playing in the sandbox next to this child.

I’ve never given my kids a choice to do stuff.

”We’re going home now.”
”Come off the swing.”
”Stop that now.”
”You need to move out the way now, other children want to get past.”

It wasn’t a problem when my 23 year old was little, but I noticed a significant change when I had my 11 year old and definitely now with my 5 year old. I get looked at like some sort of terrible parent.

I haven’t got time to negotiate with a child, I there to tell them what to do to keep them safe.

Asking a kid, “would you like to…” gives them the opportunity to say no. If they have to do something, just tell them to do it.

Why everyone thinks if you don't beg your child you must be a parent from the 1950's or you physically abusive???

There are other ways to parent!

Agree. Went to a party recently with a girl that pushed and snatched things off of other children, stomped her feet and pouted to get her own way. The parents half heartedly begged her to share, before giving up. Said it was difficult for her, being an only child. No, she just needs discipline! And to be told NO.

Don't you think there is a reason for that?

The voting is very different from most of the comments.

If you raise your kids that way, they will be unlikeable. Which is the worse thing you can do for your children.

I know two children who were raised like this (in a different country where the culture of raising children is very different) and they are two of the nicest teenagers I’ve ever met. Respectful, kind, funny, more than able to make their own decisions and manage their time.

There, I’ve balanced out your anecdata.

Also even as an adult I find it a bit jarring being asked something like it's a choice when it's obviously not and you're expected to pick one option. Why present something as a choice when it isn't? It's confusing.

Completely agree.

You can direct kindly but not everything needs to be a question.

If parents ask, they need to respect the answer and wait if the answer is no, otherwise it teaches kids that their answers mean nothing if the parent tramples over it anyway.

It's perfectly fine to say we're going in 10/5/2 minutes with a countdown and then tell them it's time to go and ask if they'd like to do X or Y when they got home, would they like to walk or be pushed. Choices are fine if the child has a say.

I know a child like that.

Her parents just follow her around saying “kind hands, darling! Kind hands!”

Kind hands my fucking arse, tell her to stop it and take her out of the situation.

That's not gentle parenting, it's permissive parenting. Gentle parenting in that scenario would go something like this:

"X other people want to go up the steps, move out of the way so they can go up"
If they don't then:
"X I've asked you to move out of the way, if you don't I will take you off the pirate ship and you won't be able to play on it anymore, it's for everyone to play on and you need to share"

If they still don't move then you physically move them.

I can well imagine what the reason is, but it doesn't make you, or any of the other thread starters, any less unreasonable for posting smug, holier-than-thou threads with no actual value to anyone.

It may well be that your parenting is far better than everyone else's you see in your day-to-day life. If so, why not post a thread sharing tips and techniques that have worked for you, as opposed to blind criticism?

I always had a saying that I didn't negotiate with children. There is no point in giving them choice in situations such as the one outlined in the OP; it just confuses things and ends in tears and stress all round (I have seen it myself, too).

Children need a firm framework in which to grow and constant negotiation just blurs the boundaries around that and confuses them.

I used to tell my children that we were leaving in 5 minutes. If they were then still on a climbing frame or whatever, I would count down from 5 - never failed!

Yes, that’s exactly my approach. I give her a 5-minute warning, then a 2-minute warning. When the time is up, I tell her it’s time to leave. It works well: she knows that when I say “go,” there’s no discussion.