To think the school could have cut DS some slack here

[Sprogonthetyne]

DS is autistic, really struggles with school in general but especially when there's transitions and change, so the start of term is hard for him. He's been crying and having anxiety attacks about going back to school for the last week and is only a hairs breath away from school refusal. He went back today and had a really good morning, which took an enormous amount of effort from him.

This afternoon he got told off for using his glue stick wrongly. Not inappropriately, just spreading glue across the whole surface he was sticking (as preferd by last year's teacher) instead of a dot in each corner (preferd by this years teacher), and this completely unravelled him. He'd been trying so hard to manage the big changes and hold everything together, so the unfairness of still being in trouble despite his effort and for something minor that he didn't even know had changed pushed him over the edge and he ended up having a meltdown (which I know isn't ideal, I'm not defending his reaction).

While I know I aught to suport the school, I can't help but feel they could really have picked their battles and just left the kid to glue however he wants.

Was he told off or was he just asked to do it differently? I’m aware my own autistic child can’t always see the difference between these two things.

Oh bless him, that seems such a shame, and does it REALLY matter? I think I might be inclined to have a word with that teacher, if my DS was in this situation.

Probably missing the point but why the hell does it matter how you glue something? Unless it was a school glue stick which is unlikely.
Your poor son teacher sounds a bit of a tyrant for no reason.

Was he actually told off, or just told to do it differently?

The first day back is when teachers try to set expectations. If he'd been using the glue like this for 2 weeks and then she raised it, that could also have confused him so she's making the rules clear from the off. FWIW, it's not about preference, most teachers are now allocated a set number of glue sticks for the term and if they run out they have to replenish them out of their own pockets or manage without.

She didn't know that a quick note about using the glue stick was going to unravel him. I think you need to cut her some slack too.

Most Autistic DC can't help having a meltdown, so you really can defend his reaction.
First week back can be stressful for all DC, but especially ND DC/those with additional needs.* *

Was he told off, or just told to do it differently?

This. The answer would then impact my answer.

Utterly ridiculous of the teacher!

He wasn't 'told off', he was asked to do something in a different way. This is very likely to happen quite a lot so you need to work with him on strategies to realise the difference between this and being told off.

Teacher here. Glue sticks tend to run out for the year by around Easter and after that it’s a choice of no glue sticks or them picking out of my own pocket. Drives me nuts when kids mash glue all over their sheet and waste it! I would definitely be reminding them to go easy with it.

Little routines like how to use a glue stick (which are like gold dust by week 3), how to hang up your bag, how to tuck your chair in etc may seem like small things, but having them all done smoothly, by everyone, makes a world of difference when it's all added up.

If your DS was as anxious as you say about coming in then I suspect it could have been anything that set him off and this just happened to be it. Aim to work with the teacher instead of questioning what is a very reasonable rule. I'm sure she's trying her best too.

Well, it clearly was a school resource so how it’s used presumably does matter?

Glue sticks are horrendously expensive. We spent over £1000 on glue sticks last year. 1 class in particular went through 90 glue sticks by Xmas. Teacher was told to sort it and teach the children to use them sparingly or buy them out if their own pocket.

Why do you think it’s unlikely that it was a school glue stick? I’ve got 3 at school and they’ve always provided glue sticks.

She doesn’t know your child yet, she hasn’t seen the anxiety he has had for the past few weeks and she can’t see what he’s masking.
Even if she knows he’s autistic, as you know all autistic people are different (as is everyone else!) so as she doesn’t know him yet she had no way to know that such a simple thing might be so upsetting to him.

it would definitely be worth arranging a chat with her to help her understand your DC, so that she can support his individual needs and know his boundaries better. I’m sure the last thing she wants is to cause a meltdown over a glue stick!

Did the teacher actually tell him off?
Is his sensitivity to criticism in his plan?

I mean if the teacher was really angry with him, that isn't on, or if she should have clearly known that he would hate being corrected, then she should have be being very careful with how she criticised him. If she just told him how she expected it to be done, without knowing he would perceive it as a telling off, then she did NOTHING wrong.

I agree with PP that if he had been masking really hard all morning, it have been 'the next thing' that tipped him over- so if it wasn't the glue stick it could easily have been something else. His teacher will get to know him and he will get to know the new class routines and it should get easier for them both.

I'd ask to meet the teacher to talk through his strategies. However, as a teacher, it doesn't matter how thorough handover is or how much paperwork you get, it still takes a little while to get in tune with a kid who is new to you.

Is it his glue stick? As a teacher I'm minding my own business if a child is using their own equipment! Otherwise, I might gently suggest using it sparingly if they're going mad but honestly.. there's better battles to pick right at the beginning of term.

As PPs have said, it really depends on what was said and how it was said. Most teachers aren't monsters. It's far more likely she just asked him to do it in a different way, but for him, it was the straw that broke the camel's already anxious back! Just help him to see it's not a big deal and move on.

It was his 1:1, who has worked with him for 3 years and knows how much he struggles with the start of term. I understand that the way he was glueing uses a few pence worth of glue more, and I'm not against the rule. I'm against the timing and way it was implemented.

Tell him before handing out the glue that we need to save glue and stick this way - fine

Suck up the 2p loss and have the conversation next week when he's more settled - fine

Ask me to fund his excessive glue habit- fine, I'll happily send in a box of glue sticks

Wait until after he's done it 'wrong' then tell off a child you know is struggling (or even just say they're wrong in a voice you know they may interpret as telling off / criticism) - I don't like

I get that you are disappointed that he had a meltdown and you are frustrated that this was triggered by something a teacher said, but if he was that close to the edge then it could have been anything really. You said that he had a really good morning so focus on that - despite his anxiety and his tears he was able to go into school and cope for a large part of the day. That's a success given how stressful the build-up has been.

I think I'd be speaking to the teacher about it. I know that with my own dd she's extremely sensitive to criticism/ getting things wrong - and she sometimes wrongly interprets words/ tone. She had an amazing teacher last year who knew her so well and really understood her. There was one occasion when dd was in tears about something that had happened, and at the thought of upsetting/ annoying her favourite teacher. I asked the teacher to quietly take her to one side and clearly explain what had gone wrong to dd, who had either misunderstood the original instruction or misunderstood the resulting reaction - I wasn't clear and couldn't be sure. Dd came home happily bouncing and relieved after her teacher spoke to her.

As SEN parents we are naturally quite fiercely protective because we have to advocate so hard for our dc who cannot always articulate for themselves. But mostly teachers welcome good communication with parents, providing we start from the basis of trying to understand the precise circumstances of what happened and work with them through it.

Only going by what I've read about schools nit having resources.

It was a success, a massive success but insted of celebrating that success the school are planning on punishing him for the meltdown they caused. I'm really struggling to suport them on that as it just feels so unfair