To think the school could have cut DS some slack here

[Sprogonthetyne]

DS is autistic, really struggles with school in general but especially when there's transitions and change, so the start of term is hard for him. He's been crying and having anxiety attacks about going back to school for the last week and is only a hairs breath away from school refusal. He went back today and had a really good morning, which took an enormous amount of effort from him.

This afternoon he got told off for using his glue stick wrongly. Not inappropriately, just spreading glue across the whole surface he was sticking (as preferd by last year's teacher) instead of a dot in each corner (preferd by this years teacher), and this completely unravelled him. He'd been trying so hard to manage the big changes and hold everything together, so the unfairness of still being in trouble despite his effort and for something minor that he didn't even know had changed pushed him over the edge and he ended up having a meltdown (which I know isn't ideal, I'm not defending his reaction).

While I know I aught to suport the school, I can't help but feel they could really have picked their battles and just left the kid to glue however he wants.

But as a teacher you really do need to control how the kids do things like gluing worksheets into books, how to write the date in the book, how to do a million and one things. It might sound petty but if you give them free reign, things go to shit very quickly. It's not reasonable to expect the teacher to do everything the same as last years teacher in case pupils x, y & z can't cope with it. Or to even consider how pupils x,y & z might specifically react to every instruction given throughout the day. You can't run a class of 30 odd kids like that.

I would just ask the teacher to have a quiet word with him to explain that different teachers do things differently. There will be lots of new routines for everyone to get used to and he's definitely not going to be in trouble for doing something wrong.

I really feel for the teacher in this situation

I was about to ask this. My dd is autistic and she is very sensitive to tone and critism. She claims to have been shouted at when she hasn't

Then surely you give clear instructions when giving the task!
Please use the glue stick to stick in your worksheet. Just use a dab of glue in each corner so that the glue sticks last longer.
or
Alex next time when you are sticking in a sheet try just putting a dab on each corner. Glue sticks last longer when we use it that way.

Don’t tell them off for doing it the way they have previously been told! A gentle correction with a reasoning behind it and given in a gentle tone not a critical one.

Maybe the teacher already did do what you are suggesting. It seems unfair to criticise her when we are only hearing about it third hand. The story's probably got altered along the way.

I really feel for your son. Can't stand it when people (usually NTs) give unclear instructions and then nitpick or criticise.

you've done three posts, can't quote them all but this is in response to all.

This school is where his EHCP placed him, it's an ARP where he spends some of his time in a unit and some of his time with a 1-1 in the main class (where the incident happened). These staff are supposed to be knowledgeable about the needs of SEN children, and the school is provided additional funding and recourses to be able to meet his needs. That's which is why I especially surprised at how his 1-1 (not the teacher) managed the situation.

I am happy to provide any recourses he needs and have on numerous occasions sent in the fidgets, chews, waited blankets, grip correcting pencils and anything else needed, despite there been provision in his EHCP for that kind of thing to be provided. as said upthread I have now bought 24 glue sticks to send in to try to alleviate the anxiety DS has now developed around glue use, and would have sent them earlier if they had given any indication he was using more glue then the other children.

I am very aware that I may need to home-school in the future if the school continues to be unable to meet his needs. We have been fighting to keep him in school for many years and the school knows how close he is getting to school refusal and in the past have been supportive, which another reason why the way today was managed feels so off.

But you don't need to make your approach to handling this with the school all about the glue sticks or reinforce for your DS that his 1-1 was unreasonable for instructing him on how to do the gluing for this particular task (I'm using "instructing" intentionally here because that's all you know happened and you've acknowledged your DS may well have taken neutral or gentle instruction as a telling off).

The "reflection" as a consequence for having a meltdown sounds inappropriate, so focus on that and ensuring other accommodations are in place and being appropriately applied so that your DS is less overwhelmed by that point in the day. And (based on some of your follow ups) consider whether your trust in the school is so broken that you need to look at other options rather than letting this devolve into an antagonistic relationship.

Autism is hard to deal with from what i hear. But successful people and celebrities have it. Its possible to learn slowly but make big changes fast. I do it at work. I do not have autism though. I believe that all you can do is be comforting to him, and aid him towards a more peaceful mindset, and perhaps support his focus and help his teachers understand his disability.

So why are you cross with the teacher when it was his 1-1 who corrected his gluing technique?

Yes, to only one child, because she’s his one-to-one.

Without you actually being there, how can you be certain that the new teacher wasn't just showing your DS a new way of applying glue?
He would have been anxious on his first day and, in fairness, she didn't know how sensitive he was.

I would try to calm the situation with your son, make sure he knows that learning to use glue in different ways is fine

Speak to new teacher using the glue as an example of how new things need to be introduced at snails pace and very carefully.

I'm probably going to get flamed for this by some of the more anti -autism people on here, but as a fellow mum to an autistic child, I think you should contact your child's EHCP case worker and make them aware that the school isn't following your son's EHCP, and that you're also having to provide all his sensory and educational aids, despite them recieving all his EHCP funding. Your DS's funding should be being spent on him, and it clearly isn't.

Is a fully specialist placement an option? My DD's primary school started refusing to accomodate her needs in year 6. Despite her needs not having changed. Like you, it was after I stood my ground about them needing to deal with another child. They were bullying my daughter horrifically to the point she wouldn't attend school. Thankfully she got into a specialist school in year 7, has 12 children in her class and a ratio of 1:6. She no longer needs a 1:1 because there's 1 adult per 6 children rather than 1:15, expectations are clearer, social and educational demands are lower. Her processing speed is functionally disabling but she can now actually access the classwork and no longer has anxiety about being kept in because she didn't couldn't complete the classwork in time. It means that this year she's made 60% progress compared to the 3% progress in mainstream. It's the best move we made for her.

They're completely wrong, but unfortunately will probably double down on being arseholes and this could cause your son a lot more angst. Is your son able to understand that it is easier to go along with their stupid decision this time and do the reflection? I know if he is rule and fairness based this will seem really unfair (because it is). I don't really know what to advise you because schools are often really inflexible and don't want to admit they have behaved stupidly or inappropriately, sometimes it's safer and easier to take the hit. Not sure how I would approach it not knowing the people involved.

Good luck.

This is a helpful post.

@Sprogonthetyne I completely understand you, and don't think you're being unreasonable at all. You must feel so frustrated.

I would be so tempted to send in a truckload of boxes of gluesticks with FUCKING GLUE FOR EVERYONE written on each gluestick, but I don't recommend you do this. It would feel great, but don't.

Hey OP - I have two autistic DC (and am autistic myself).

I started reading the thread but stopped because there’s so much ableism. I don’t know why I’m surprised really. Issuing a young child who needs clear and precise instructions shouldn’t be a big ask, especially when he has an EHCP and a 1:1 who should be responsible for facilitating his understanding.

I’m only commenting to say that my DS was similar to yours except my DS would shut down so rather than shout, he’d become utterly mute and unable to function. He was in a special unit but it was still very hard.

We never returned to school after COVID (for various reasons). When my DS didn’t need to use all his resilience on trying to cope with all the challenges of a school environment he had so much more capacity to learn and communicate. Same for DD (who was in mainstream with support).

I’m not suggesting that home ed is the right path for everyone, not even all neurodivergent kids. But for us, it was quite literally life-changing. My two have blossomed in ways I never expected because we’ve been able to tailor their learning to meet their needs rather than watch them have an awful time trying to fit into an impossible box.

Don’t be afraid to make the decision that’s right for your child. Whether that’s talking to the school because the EHCP is being ignored, moving to a more suitable school, or choosing to home educate. We moved school before we home educated - the school was a lovely, nurturing place, but it was still too much for my DS. You have options, don’t be afraid to explore alternatives. I wish I’d done it sooner 💐

Probably wouldn't have the effect you would hope for though. The teachers would be overjoyed as they wouldn't have to pay for them out of their own pockets.

Agree, attempted passive aggressive 'ha ha I've got one over you' is ridiculous.
Why would it feel great? Teachers probably wouldn't have a clue why you were swearing at them! 🙄

Either way,.it's petty of the teacher to even comment when they have only just got back. Seriously. Let the small stuff go and focus on what matters

I'm not cross with his teacher, and have at no point said I am. I think it was managed badly by his 1:1. And I'm not sure about the additional staff member who they asked to come when they couldn't de-escalate or the behaviour suport team who have decided to impose the reflection. I say "not sure" because they had to react in a moment to a situation that had already spiraled, probably without knowing the in and out of how it got there, and I have not talked to these people to fully understand their involvement (as I have the 1:1). That's why I said "school staff" not "teacher" as they a number of people who work in a school in various roles.

I simply feel like when faced with a child that you know is only just holding it together, they could have let the incorrect glueing slide for today and asked him to do it differently next time (before he starts, so it's received as an instruction not a criticism of something already done).

If they're so stressed about their glue provision that they feel they must priorities glue preservation over the emotional wellbeing of a disabled child, I'd happily buy them all the poxy glue sticks they want. Not even in a snarky way, just because it's a barrier to his learning that I can easily remove.

I'm not a fan of parents taking what their school aged child says as the definitive truth, to be honest

I'd let this one go, and if something 'bigger' happens politely enquire to the school for more information on the incident.

I’m not a fan of people who can’t even be bothered to read the OP’s posts before commenting.

I'm not taking what my child said because my child has communication difficulties and has struggled to tell me anything about it. I'm basing this on what the 1:1 told me when she phoned to tell me there would be a reflection