To think the school could have cut DS some slack here

[Sprogonthetyne]

DS is autistic, really struggles with school in general but especially when there's transitions and change, so the start of term is hard for him. He's been crying and having anxiety attacks about going back to school for the last week and is only a hairs breath away from school refusal. He went back today and had a really good morning, which took an enormous amount of effort from him.

This afternoon he got told off for using his glue stick wrongly. Not inappropriately, just spreading glue across the whole surface he was sticking (as preferd by last year's teacher) instead of a dot in each corner (preferd by this years teacher), and this completely unravelled him. He'd been trying so hard to manage the big changes and hold everything together, so the unfairness of still being in trouble despite his effort and for something minor that he didn't even know had changed pushed him over the edge and he ended up having a meltdown (which I know isn't ideal, I'm not defending his reaction).

While I know I aught to suport the school, I can't help but feel they could really have picked their battles and just left the kid to glue however he wants.

While I think the school have messed up on this one, and a punishment for a meltdown is definitely not appropriate, this:

I don't think learning to accept been told off for following an unclear instruction to the best of your ability, but not been aware of a change that no one informed you off is really a life skill

has been an incredibly useful life skill for me in a number of jobs. It’s not just schools that have unwritten, badly communicated and seemingly petty / illogical rules. Have his back with the school - which it sounds like you’re doing a great job with already - and reassure him that he’s not wrong, they are (for the communication mix-up) and sometimes other people are just weird and illogical.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but often you don't imagine there could be a problem until you see it. Like a kid taking a few minutes to smother the back of a sheet in glue while other kids wait, rather than 4 quick dabs.

I don't think either of us know what tone was used but I'm pretty sure that it would have been closer to a gentle correction than an actual bollocking!

I would go into school and complain about this. I don't think a 'reflection' is appropriate for a child who does not understand time, like you said. As far as he will be concerned he is being punished for nothing today.

I would also complain about the way this was handled by his 1:1.

From your updates, I think it was totally on the 1:1 that this happened. Especially if she hadn't clearly explained something beforehand. I wouldn't tell a non-autistic kids that they were gluing wrong while/after they were doing it at 8 years old. If I saw that they were using too much glue or the rules had changed I'd tell them they were fine this time but next time maybe we could try just gluing the corners (or whatever the new rule is). It's not like you can scrape pritt stick off to "fix" the problem.

Same applies to any change like that. As adults you can see that glue sticks or the way you write the date or whatever aren't the end of the world, but when you're a child and new in the class and you're really trying to follow the rules I can see how it feels very important.

It sounds like he's understandably really sensitive to being told something he's done is "wrong" so for things that aren't hurting anyone, would it help him to explain that he's not in trouble, but in the future they'd like it done in a particular way and they'll help him remember?

Especially as the teacher wasn't even involved in the glueestick incident.

Why would the other kids be waiting? He often works at a different pace or even different activities due to his SEN, that's one of the reasons he has his 1:1.

While I cannot be sure what tone was used, it would be very unusual for DS to react badly to a neutral instruction. If he did we'd be having meltdowns all the time, when it actually happens very really. I suspect the voice was sharper then they intended, which they may not have realised until he started becoming distressed. Then instead of de-escalateing with a simple "sorry, that was snappier then I intend, your not in trouble I just wanted to show you a different way" which would have been fine with DS, they have doubled down.

He doesn't have the communication skills to explain "that's the way I was taught so that's just how I've always done it, I didn't know it was a problem until you had a go at me for it, which feels really unfair because i was trying my best and didn't know I was doing anything wrong. Now the emotional destress of the perceved unfairness has disregulated my so I have less the capacity to instantly change an established routine (which he can manage when calm but not when under stress)

Is it possible that you're agreeing with him that the glue incident is huge and massive maybe driving things?
Is it you or him describing the 1:1 as 'having a go' at him?

How old is he, op?
Having an established routine regarding glue stick usage sounds quite extreme.

I have never worked in a school posh enough for every kid to have their own glue stick! So something like the class sticking a sheet into their book at the end of a lesson can easily waste 5 minutes of learning time if they faff around. Add all that stuff up over a week and you are talking hours of faffing. That's why teachers want quick, set routines for everything. It has to be that way. I have tried a more relaxed, don't sweat the small stuff kind of approach. Doesn't work. Unfortunately, because its not my natural style, you need to be all over the small stuff all the time. Doubly so at the start of the year.

At least 2 people ha e asked what the meltdown entailed OP, and i cant see this has been answered. This is very pertinent to the issue. If another staff member was needed, i am surmising that tbere was a safety dimension to his behaviour?? Remember it is tbe other children's first day too and fbey don't need to be getting scared.

JFC. Have you actually read all the OP’s posts? Even the opening one?

Why 24? 2 at a time would be plenty. A spare for if he runs out.

I think OP replied in her Yesterday 21:50 post

Well that would take all the drama, which won't be helping the child put of it.

I haven't answered again because I already answered up thread, admittedly in a longer post answering many questions so perhaps you have missed it. DS's meltdown was loude, mostly just generic shouting/screaming but also some rude statements (eg. "This is the worst school ever" / "your a horrible teacher").

The change in staff wasn't from a safety perspective, it was because they thought he would be more able to calm down if he wasn't with the person who had upset him. While he was alone in the corridor he was able to sit down and be safe and quiet, but when they tried to speak to him again a few minutes later, he started shouting again, which is when they decided to get the other staff member.

I'm not actually upset with how the meltdown was handled while it was ongoing, it's more the run up to it as it seems the triggers were predictable and avoidable. Some rules need to be enforced regardless, even if you know it will cause a meltdown (eg. Anything safety, not distracting the other kids, do the work set), but some rules like wether you spread or dab the glue really don't need to be.

It's normal for kids to be told to just use glue in the corners to use less. Sending a snippy note and 24 glue sticks might feel like a win with the glue, but you'd be better off discussing with the TA how to approach future issues that come up like this. How to word it etc

Because that's the box size my local supermarket had in. They're not going to let him wonder of to the cloakroom to get his personal glue from his bag every time and own pencil cases are not allowed on desks (everyone uses resources from tray in middle of table, it's meant to make thing equal). The idea was to bolster the general use supply's to offset any excess he's using.

But really asking him to dab the glue was not a predictable trigger.

And it would feel way more passive aggressive to drag it our sending a glue stick every week for the rest of the year. Better to just give them what they need and move on.

But the teacher should be allowed to tell the kids to only use glue in corners though.

Telling him he's done something wrong, when it was considered to be right last year was the trigger. His anxiety translated it to something like:

"How am I in trouble? I did everything right, I was so carful to follow the rules, why have the rules changed? have they changed them just for a reason to shout at me? if I follow the new rule will Mrs X from last year shout at me for been lazy and not sticking it in properly, if I try the new thing and it doesn't stick will Mrs Y shout at me again? Maybe if I don't do anything I'll be safe. Now they're shouting at me for refusing to stick! I'm not refusing I'm panicking. I can't breath, why is she still shouting, can't she see I'm trying! Why is my brain so stupid that it gets me into trouble all the time? Why can't I just be normal. She's getting angrier, why am I frozen, I need to do something, I can't breathe, I need her to stop ... (and that's when the shouting starts)

The school are aware of this, it's generally very obvious when he starts to spiral like this, so even if she had not of realised the initial glue criticism would cause problems, she could have de-escalated it with a "it's OK I know your trying, your not in trouble, I was just showing you a new way".

I'd speak to school about whether the punishment is appropriate here, now you and the 1.1 have had the chance to sleep on what happened. It sounds like an OTT response for doing something a way the teacher didn't like, especially if he's done it that way previously with no criticism. If this is a teacher he's had supporting him for the past 3 years, I'd have hoped she would have a better understanding of how to communicate with your DS in a productive way. If she was also having a bad day, then that's fine, but she should be able to reflect on how she handled the situation and admit if she could have handled things differently.

Yes if he was neuro typical he would be able to change his glueing habits, or if the new rules had be explained to him, prior to telling him off for doing it wrong, but that boat has saild.

The glue situation is increasing his anxiety and don't want my kid having a panic attack and freezing every time glueing is required for the rest of the year (because he's scared he'll be told off if it falls out and scared he'll be told off if he uses to much glue to make sure it stays stuck, so just panics). I'd rather my kid just has the resources he needs so that he can focus on the actual learning.

It sounds like your son is already punishing himself more than enough over this incident. I'd make sure school are aware of this and that his outburst wasn't shouting to get his own way or be 'naughty', but because he genuinely didn't understand what he'd done 'wrong'. They probably don't appreciate the level of anxiety he was and still is experiencing.

Can you arrange a meeting to discuss how to proceed with future things like this that come up.