To think the school could have cut DS some slack here

[Sprogonthetyne]

DS is autistic, really struggles with school in general but especially when there's transitions and change, so the start of term is hard for him. He's been crying and having anxiety attacks about going back to school for the last week and is only a hairs breath away from school refusal. He went back today and had a really good morning, which took an enormous amount of effort from him.

This afternoon he got told off for using his glue stick wrongly. Not inappropriately, just spreading glue across the whole surface he was sticking (as preferd by last year's teacher) instead of a dot in each corner (preferd by this years teacher), and this completely unravelled him. He'd been trying so hard to manage the big changes and hold everything together, so the unfairness of still being in trouble despite his effort and for something minor that he didn't even know had changed pushed him over the edge and he ended up having a meltdown (which I know isn't ideal, I'm not defending his reaction).

While I know I aught to suport the school, I can't help but feel they could really have picked their battles and just left the kid to glue however he wants.

This is another thread (there are a lot on the go at the moment!) where people who know fuck all about parenting a child with autism feel the need to comment on how to parent a child with autism.

Sorry to resurrect the thread but DS has once again been told off for using glue wrongly (line along each side not dab in each corner). He managed to hold it together for the rest of the school day but cried about it for over an hour after he got home. I really don't want to be the crazy parent constantly complaining about glue, but i also dont want my kid constantly been upset over a known trigger and the 1:1 doesn't see able to drop it.

After last time I sent in all the glue they could need, and it was agreed with the senco that how he glued wasn't the main battle and as long as he was doing the work it would be fine. Because of this DS is even more confusing with why he's suddenly in trouble again for something that was how he was taught to do it, absolutely fine last year and still absolutely fine according to the senco. Yes, it's very much not about the glue, it's about DS's anxiety making him believe that this person doesn't like him and is looking for reasons to tell him off, but this glue obsession is really feeding into that narrative and I'm not sure what to do at this point.

Can you take this higher to head of year? Someone needs to tell this teacher to wind her neck in and facilitate your child’s education.

Cant believe this is still happening, OP.

I think that you need to let it go. I can't see any way that staff can avoid giving instructions that may be different to instructions issued previously, potentially by someone else. Maybe this time the sheet was bigger so corners wasn't sufficient. Who knows? Either way they will be giving dozens of instructions each per day.

SENCOs are very good at promising stuff that someone else has to deliver!

It is the same 1:1 as last time and she doesn't work with many kids, so not that hard to remember not to tell him off for doing something he has permission from the senco to do.

I wasn't there obviously but sounds like an instruction rather than a telling off. Like I say, it's easy for the senco to ask for x,y,z. That doesn't make it sensible or doable in the classroom. In this case it seems that if it isn't glue, it will be the next instruction that differs from a previous one. You can't spend the next few years fighting these mini battles about nothing.

An instruction is something you tell someone to do before they've done it, that is not the case here.

The issue is telling him off after he's done something that he has been told by numerous people (including senco) is the right. To me telling a kid off is more appropriate for when they're intentionally done something they know they shouldn't, not when they're following an instruction given by another member of staff.

Still doesn't make it a telling off in my opinion. This language is much too dramatic.

With the last incident the, it was the 1:1 who described what had happened as "a mild telling off", that is why I'm referring to it as telling off

There’s two angles here.

One being that while glue techniques are a big deal need to keep working on a way to reduce the drama it causes.

The other being working with school on a way to help your son understand that there are differences between tellings off, and corrections / suggestions for different ways to do things next time around.

The latter being really key to education as move past early years, and something that he and his current teaching team Dont seem to have working just yet.

why are you so determined to tell the OP she's wrong?

Because I think that she is wasting her time by seeing this stuff as a battle that she needs to fight. Even if she "wins" this one, there will be another in a couple of weeks.

You realise it's ok to disagree with people, right?

I agree the school are handling this poorly. In terms of things you can do which are in your control, could you practise gluing the way they want him to at home so it becomes more natural to him? I would try to reinforce the idea that he's not done something 'wrong' or 'bad', but adults sometimes have different ways of doing things.

Sorry to hear this has happened again. Given it’s already been raised and seemed to be resolved I would ask for a meeting with the SENCO, if they’ve said the gluing is fine they need to discuss with the staff member/s concerned. I’ve never worked in AP (which I think you said this was) but from similar experience, seemingly minor issues can indicate problems in the pupil-staff member relationship which it’s best the SENCO is aware of as early as possible. If the annual review of his EHCP is coming up I’d also start thinking about if anything needs adding or clarifying in the EHCP to help ensure everyone is on the same page.

I would absolutely not let this go! To be perfectly honest after a second incident over the same thing your DS’s assessment on the TA not liking him might not be far off the mark! It sounds like she might well have done that deliberately either to provoke him or to test him. Just because he is anxious that doesn’t necessarily mean he is wrong.
I would be going in and speaking again to the head, secco, class teacher and the TA. Have you met her in the past? How did she come across then?

@Ablondiebutagoodyperhaps you might consider that actually you don’t really understand the situation. Just because YOU don’t think it’s worth pursuing doesn’t actually mean you’re right. The OPs son is very anxious around this issue. Small things DO MATTER when dealing with anxiety like this. It’s not about it being a battle it’s about getting everybody on the same page to help boost hers sons self belief and worth and not continually undermining it.

What a strange post. Clearly none of us were there so this is only my opinion. That's what AIBU is all about.

I do think it's more likely than the TA deliberately provoking him though. That's just paranoid.

@Ablondiebutagoodyit might be your opinion but it appears to be one based on complete ignorance of the challenges the OPs son is facing.
Your last point makes zero sense!

So, i wrote in the home-school book reiterateing that we had agreed he could glue how he does and was not to be told off for it. The senco called me claiming the event didn't happen, but I'm not sure I believe them. DS recounted the conversation in quiet a bit of detail, both when he first came home upset and later at bedtime when calm. Both times the stories matched and did not seem made up (not saying my child never lies, just that he's really bad at it and it's not believable when he does).

Worse, when DS got home today he told me that they have told him it didn't happen (not that he misunderstood or they didn't mean it like he thought, that the entire event didn't happen), and more worryingly, they have apparently told him to stop telling me bad thing and that he's only allowed to tell me good things about school.

This is not the first instance of them attempting to gaslight him. As I said up thread they spent months telling DS that he was imagining the other child inappropriately touching him, and only accept that it was actually happenings after that other children family confirmed that he had done similar to a cousin.

you need to get him out of that school.