To think the school could have cut DS some slack here

[Sprogonthetyne]

DS is autistic, really struggles with school in general but especially when there's transitions and change, so the start of term is hard for him. He's been crying and having anxiety attacks about going back to school for the last week and is only a hairs breath away from school refusal. He went back today and had a really good morning, which took an enormous amount of effort from him.

This afternoon he got told off for using his glue stick wrongly. Not inappropriately, just spreading glue across the whole surface he was sticking (as preferd by last year's teacher) instead of a dot in each corner (preferd by this years teacher), and this completely unravelled him. He'd been trying so hard to manage the big changes and hold everything together, so the unfairness of still being in trouble despite his effort and for something minor that he didn't even know had changed pushed him over the edge and he ended up having a meltdown (which I know isn't ideal, I'm not defending his reaction).

While I know I aught to suport the school, I can't help but feel they could really have picked their battles and just left the kid to glue however he wants.

So sorry your DC has had such a bad start to the term. Sounds like the morning went well.
Every day should be a new day/ new start. It’s not appropriate to be punishing a meltdown and especially not the day after.
From his perspective (or looking through the autism lens for staff) I’m guessing that he may like things to be “ the same” therefore just doing what he was used to. It seems unclear whether the task had been made clear. Also guessing that he may dislike getting things wrong / making mistakes. This in itself could have led to the meltdown. Once in meltdown keep trying to engage and presumably try to talk about his behaviour may be enough to cause a further meltdown.
Sounds like this could all have been avoided and managed better by his TA. She could have modelled how to do it ( or put a little pencil cross in each corner to indicate where to put glue) or overlooked it on the first day making a mental note to give clear instruction next time.
I’d be asking the SENCO if they use ABC charts or STAR analysis to unpick any incidents.
Playtimes are important for many ND children to aid sensory regulation. Hope things improve.

Yanbu and I'd be having words with headteacher regarding this teachers poor treatment of your DS. Who cares how it's done as long as it's done? Your son should be able to have his own way of doing things instead of having to adopt someone else's way.

The thing is , for some kids it’s the little changes that come out of nowhere that really throw them off. No idea if OP’s child is one, but it’s possible.

There’s a right and wrong way to do things. They spend a lot of time learning this and focusing on it. Sometimes there’s an internal monologue reminding them. This side , then that, then the other, last one. Job done! Yay! I did it right! To then be told it’s wrong, it’s not only demoralising, but very confusing. Why is it wrong? When did the rule change? Why did no one told me about it? Was I doing it wrong this whole time? It can’t be wrong, this is how I’ve always done. But miss said it’s wrong. How is it wrong? Why?

Then add in the anxiety and it turns into… what else has changed? Are there other rules I don’t know? How many? Have I been doing things wrong all day? Will someone tell me about them? How will I know? What if I don’t remember? Will I get in trouble? Am I in trouble now?

Aaaaaaarghhhhhh!!!

Yep all over a “small” and “insignificant “ change.

Would I be "that parent" if I send him in with 24 glue sticks tomorrow and a note asking that he be allowed to use as much as he needs to be able to complete his work and explaining he already had enough barriers to learning without rationing of stationary being another obstacle.

Yes. Because this isn’t about glue sticks at all. Next time it could be about something completely different because it was actually about him running out of ability to cope mid-afternoon. Addressing the glue sticks does nothing to address the dealing with and response to his meltdown.

Perhaps some time out to recharge before he gets to meltdown point would help.

Don’t do that. Mainly because it’s pointless. The issue wasn’t the glue stick, it was the approach used. It could be a felt tip tomorrow, a rubber the day after, scribbling in a notebook next week and so on. See where I’m going with this?

By all means you can send him with his own glue stick in a pencil case to make a point, but I believe you need to be “that parent” and send an email to his new teacher (with fyi to the TA) about his needs, what works , what doesn’t, what strategies should be put in place, how to word things etc. with bits attached/copied from his EHCP. It doesn’t have to be confrontational, just a “reminder” for the new year .

Very much this, its always the little changes that throw him the most. I know this is a very DS specific problem, but its a problem that the school staff are very aware off.

His 1-1 who has worked with him for three years

This sort of stuff used to make me really anxious in school so I feel for your son. It makes it worse that it's not about the actual issue (i.e. in this case it's not that he deeply personally believes in using a glue stick one way), rather you've been told off for doing the very thing that was meant not to get you told off. It might be worth looking up Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria - despite the name it's really about all kinds of criticism or even gentle corrections - as there might be some strategies that can help. It's about how criticism can have an outsize effect on some people compared to most.

Could there be some signal for your son to give his 1:1 that he's feeling particularly vulnerable and she should back off? Not from necessary things of course, but little things like the glue. Or, she could do some professional development to learn about RSD...

But now it is about the glue sticks for DS. It didn't need to be but because the blow up today was around the glue, his anxiety is really fixated on it. The way his mind works is there is always a right way to do things so now if he keeps gluing the way he always has, then he's wrong and will be in trouble but if he changes, then that means he was doing it wrong up to this point. He just can't compute how the right thing has suddenly become the wrong thing, and it's coursing him way more distress then the price of a few glue sticks really warrants.

he ended up having a meltdown (which I know isn't ideal, I'm not defending his reaction).

Well I would defend his reaction.

Meltdowns are uncontrollable instances of neurological distress, you can't choose not to have a meltdown. He did not have any option, because he felt emotionally unsafe.

If the school aren't giving him grace, or understanding that things are difficult for him right now in a big transition period, and he's yet to face another change of process (which is a glue stick, they really could have just left him to it), then they're not neurodivergent friendly. They're choosing to make him feel overwhelmed and insecure instead of not sweating the small stuff.

Don’t support the school then. I agree they are being unfair.

Could the school be deliberately sabotaging him so as to get him excluded? You wrote he was on the verge of school refusal…this doesn’t seem accidental. His 1:1 has worked with him for 3yrs so they would know exactly how to trigger a meltdown and that punishment by social exclusion would further worsen things.

I was about to come on to say this too.

Was he actually told off or just told how to do it differently? The teachers can't win here either. They try to set expectations at the start so it's not so confusing later and she wasn't to know he would have a meltdown over it.

It would be in everyone's interest to work together to figure out the best way forward instead of against each other.

Ah, you mean as support for DS and to help with his anxiety. Just add to the end of the email something like

“Due to the incident yesterday, DS is very anxious around resources and the use of them.I am aware that school budgets are tight , so I have provided him with a glue stick in his pencil case that he can use in the way he is used to , which I will replace as needed. I understand that some changes are necessary and he will have to adapt to these , however small adjustments like this will ease his anxiety , will help him to be ready to learn and help him be able to cope with bigger changes. Thank you for your understanding.”

Teachers give dozens of instructions per day to their class so can't be held responsible if one kid has a meltdown over something so minor as "glue it like this, not like that".

Tough one here - new classes are full of changes and expectations for different routines. Learning to deal with changes will be essential for ds future so I would be asking sendco for a meeting to discuss strategies that can be implemented. Letting him carry on is not a great idea as he needs to learn that his teacher will change and so do routines but that change is ok. As he goes through life there will be many changes so the ability to cope with them without the meltdown will be crucial to his future. In terms of the consequence tomorrow it would depend on his behaviour for me - you say "mainly shouting" what else?

I get that it seems petty
But what if you reframe this

The rule that he needs to learn isn't "you glue it like this every time"

It's that "you glue it however the teacher has told you to".

Eg the primary rule is to obey instructions.

In life he'll have to get used to various adults asking slightly different things of him,or being given different instructions for different situations - the key is to recognise an instruction & to do as told.

As far as I can tell the teacher instruction was to glue it in his book, which he was doing, it was the 1-1 who then decided he was doing it wrong.

He does find it hard to follow instructions sometimes but was trying really hard to do what he was told. That's why it was so demoralising for him, he thought he was doing the right thing and still got in trouble.

but he was following the teachers instruction, to glue the sheet in the book. I don't think learning to accept been told off for following an unclear instruction to the best of your ability, but not been aware of a change that no one informed you off is really a life skill

You clearly have absolutely no understanding of autism.

I would have let him carry on gluing as he was and then next time the glue sticks are out, I would give the whole class a reminder on how to use them. This way, your son would not be singled out or embarrassed, nor would he have felt bad when he’d had such a great day.

Maybe you should home school him if you understand him more than the school and you post on a public forum about how shit his school is?

Are you going to buy more glue sticks for when your son uses a lot more glue than his peers? Seeing as the glue sticks come out of the teachers budget? Or are you just absolutely set on the fact that your child will refuse school now and that’s it, he’s never going back? If so then just home school him

Maybe you should look into an sen placement that will 100% walk on eggshells and make sure your child doesn’t meltdown ever despite the only issue being him told not to fill the page with glue?