Furious with DP over money - but AIBU because he’s “stressed”

[NeedyJoker]

My DP is going through some stressful life events at the moment. His child’s mother has decided to move abroad and DSD is with us. She’s obviously upset but she loves being here and we love her being here too.

DP is woeful with money. He regularly spends all his wages on hobbies, takeaways etc. recently I’ve had to pay the mortgage alone. He just wastes it.

Anyway, he’s not been paid in full for July as he took unpaid leave. He got about £1000 and I didn’t see a penny of it. Spent on shit.

I’ve paid for food, DSD nursery, bills, mortgage, dinners out for us, days out for DSD, a weekend away (already booked before all this) with DP and DSD. I’ve spent thousands in July. This was with the understanding that August pay would be back to normal for him.

He told me he’d get his pay check in full today.

He received £350 only.

I said what are we going to do this month? He said, well the same as last month.

I am furious. I will now have to use my savings, and pay for everything again.

DP has said I’ve “got an attitude”, and that my tone was “kicking him when he’s down” when everything’s going on for him.

He said I need to “pick my moments to bring it up”, as it’s pulled him right back down into depression.

He said he doesn’t have time to do his hobby now as he’s struggling financially. He said he thought I didn’t care about money - I don’t, but I’m not a bank?

He is stressed, I get it. But some forethought would help!

To get £350 he must have had loads of time off, even on minimum wage? Sounds like he needs a job with full time hours. And you need a bills account that you both pay enough into to cover mortgage, household, bills, food, etc.

Chuck him back

Did he have to take unpaid leave as his child was dumped on him unexpectedly and it took time to sort nursery? I’d probably have some sympathy for that (but none for his attitude).

Why has he only been paid £350? I’d stop paying any of his bills - his daughter’s costs are his responsibility. Does he not have a standing order for his contribution to joint bills like the mortgage?

Get rid. He doesn't respect you at all

He’s a loser and totally disrespects you. Are you happy in this relationship?

I'm sorry OP but he is taking you for a fool.

He sounds like a selfish arsehole, I’m sorry if this is blunt, but you’re “pulling him into depression” by asking him to contribute financially?” You deserve better than that.

He works on a casual contract at home, so he said he has been working FT. I’d expect at least £2000 for the hours he said he did.

we do have a bills account he has paid nothing into it. Which is why I found out

Sorry my first thought was boo hoo on his hobby. At some points in your life (eg when you have young children) sacrifices have to made.

“I will now have to use my savings, and pay for everything again.”

And what if you don’t? What if you only pay anything that has your name on, and leave him to sort out his DD and anything else that’s his responsibility? He’s using you as a cash cow, and frankly, if he’s going to carry on like this, you’d be better off without him.

He's lying to you. What's he really up to?

What a loser. Get rid of him.

Why are you with this childish petulant waste of space?

So there's a 3? year old been left with you and you live with a cocklodger. There are so many questions. Why are you with him in the first place?

He has an addiction / another bird or is a complete waster. Kick him to his mummy and let her pay for him.

It is unlikely to get any better.

He's a total user loser and you are some soft touch....

What on earth are you doing with him?
He's a selfish shit father too.

Your self respect must be on the floor to allow yourself be used like this.

This.

Is it a joint mortgage, do you both own the house?

Its all very well people saying kick him out if so, but then OP may have to buy him out

What a pathetic immature loser. He’s lied to you about hours, he must KNOW what he’s worked this last month. He is utterly using you, and then having the audacity to not even be contrite but instead tries to blame you for bringing his unconscionable behaviour up when he doesn’t want to think about it. Boohoo poor ickle baby.
You truly need to find your respect for yourself and get rid of him.

DP is woeful with money. He regularly spends all his wages on hobbies, takeaways etc.

And you have a joint mortgage with him?

I'd be separating. He can pay his own child's nursery fees.

How are you even in this mess? It’s only happening because you’ve covered for him in the past and he is just seeing how far he can take it. You’ve shown your hand; you’ll pay for everything, including fun days out for him, and all the housing costs and food and bills… so why should he bother. He’ll keep his money for himself.

There is no way this just started; he’s been doing this or building up to it, yes? And now you’re just used to paying whenever he doesn’t want to.

Don’t. Don’t pay any bills for him and send him a list with the total he owes from whenever he hasn’t contributed to the household bills. And do not pay his nursery bill.

You really do need to just end it though. He is a waster.

I would also be separating. £350 is pisstaking - he must only have worked a couple of days this month (or he is lying to you and hiding money).

Is there any wonder his exW divorced him?

I see he is only a DP not a DH. Good. I agree with everyone else. This man is not a good long term prospect. Dump him

biological miracle he's managed to have a child when he's still a baby himself

seriously OP how on earth can you find someone so utterly pathetic and immature vaguely sexually attractive?

I think my vagina would self-seal and possible shrivel up like one of those big vacuum packed bags you put lots of clothes in and then hoover the air out of, watching someone be prepared to leave their child go without while they treat themselves to takeaways and their hobby.