Furious with DP over money - but AIBU because he’s “stressed”

[NeedyJoker]

My DP is going through some stressful life events at the moment. His child’s mother has decided to move abroad and DSD is with us. She’s obviously upset but she loves being here and we love her being here too.

DP is woeful with money. He regularly spends all his wages on hobbies, takeaways etc. recently I’ve had to pay the mortgage alone. He just wastes it.

Anyway, he’s not been paid in full for July as he took unpaid leave. He got about £1000 and I didn’t see a penny of it. Spent on shit.

I’ve paid for food, DSD nursery, bills, mortgage, dinners out for us, days out for DSD, a weekend away (already booked before all this) with DP and DSD. I’ve spent thousands in July. This was with the understanding that August pay would be back to normal for him.

He told me he’d get his pay check in full today.

He received £350 only.

I said what are we going to do this month? He said, well the same as last month.

I am furious. I will now have to use my savings, and pay for everything again.

DP has said I’ve “got an attitude”, and that my tone was “kicking him when he’s down” when everything’s going on for him.

He said I need to “pick my moments to bring it up”, as it’s pulled him right back down into depression.

He said he doesn’t have time to do his hobby now as he’s struggling financially. He said he thought I didn’t care about money - I don’t, but I’m not a bank?

He is stressed, I get it. But some forethought would help!

Jesus fucking Christ. OP. Kindly, what the fuck are you doing?

^^This

I feel sorry for you but desperately sad for his daughter. This can’t carry on. Can you speak to her mum about childcare arrangements as you should absolutely not put up with him financially abusing you this way. I do understand how she’d be upset if you had to leave but maybe after speaking to her mum and knowing he spends so much on drugs she’d be better off with you?

You must have lost your mind, and it’s unfortunately taken your self respect with it. Please wake up @NeedyJoker

Ahh cannabis. Hey ho. What a gem

Fuck that OP. He's completely taking the piss out of you.

Too many women fall into the trap of thinking that caring about financial compatibility and stability is ‘cold’ and indicative of terrible character, to the extent that they feel they have to prove their womanly virtue by allowing themselves to be taken for absolute idiots.

Why are you allowing this man to burden you with his responsibilities? Because you love him? If he loved and respected you he wouldn’t be dumping this shit on you.

You can do better. Hell, being single is doing better.

He needs to pay the bills / house, pay for his child and then pay for himself (hobbies, including hopefully treats for you as a couple). .. it really is that simple. Stop enabling him and stop thinking you have to pick up the slack for dsd parenting - both mother and father need to pull their finger out.

As for saying you need to pick your moments to broad the subject of money… absolutely not. Does this hobby have a gambling element?

Seriously?

You need to even post here?

If my DH didn't have the money each month to contribute to the life WE lead, Id not be posting here, Id be - after talking to him and finding his truth, - talking to a solicitor and finding out the real truth

I say this because I know to the penny what DH earns, as does he me. We dont hide money , its our money, its there to keep us afloat, and then whatever either one of us free, we decide through talking, where are we doending this month

What a mess!

OP, you need to start standing up for yourself (and that poor child).

How much do you pay into the joint account? Call it £x per month. Give him an ultimatum - he sets up a standing order to pay £x+50% (to make up for all the months you have been subbing him) into the joint account TODAY or he leaves.

The cannabis has to stop! And he has to start parenting his own child.

Good luck - fingers crossed for you 🤞

So he is spending £ on weed and his hobby and you are using YOUR savings to feed his child. Please stop. Don’t put any more money in the joint account yourself for fear he spends YOUR savings on HIS cannabis!
His stress is his problem - he has caused it and he needs to pull himself together now and prove he is capable of being a decent parent. And he has a long way to go……
You deserve so much more OP. Best advice is to chuck him back and move on - but failing that it is major final ultimatum time…..

Leave him. If you want to, and I would want to, offer to have his daughter over for tea once a week, be an Aunty figure to her for as long as you can (he will try to replace you with another open-pursed woman asap, and she may put an end to this while she plays happy families, but maybe you can at least fade slowly from the child’s life, instead of abruptly leaving her as well as him. And you can keep an eye while you can, in case she needs social services.
But get out now, while you’ve still some savings.

He is spending his money and his time on weed and expects you to mind his child, pay for everything and not complain.

Come on OP. You can do better than this. I feel very sorry for his little girl but where is your self respect??

Your DP's daughter is his responsibility - not yours. She might be upset now if you leave but, honestly, you'll be much more miserable if you stay with her irresponsible freeloading user of a father. Nothing to say you can't send her a birthday present or a Christmas present in future of course but you have to start thinking of yourself. I don't know what role models you have had that would let you settle for so little in a partner but you can do better. My dad went to work every day, worked hard, and handed his entire pay packet over to my mother every fortnight. My husband paid half of every expense before he retired - now he does more of the housework and cooking as I'm still working. The early days of a relationship should be fun if you're childfree - weekends away, lazy lie in, late brunches, going away on holiday and so on.

You're three years in and you are supporting him and his child. I would be raging at the ingratitude and I'd be telling him where to stick his whining about stress and parenting his own child. I see you have a mortgage but you are going to have to deal with that. This sort of man just sucks the life force out of you.

No matter how desperately sorry you feel for her, that isn’t your problem to solve. Her father is going to suck you dry if you allow him to.

I don't blame you for feeling sorry for DSD but your partner is using your kindness for her against you. If she was your own DD then he wouldn't be able to do that because you would be able to split up and keep her with you. You are taking on all the responsibilities of a mum with none of the rights and it's not fair on you.

Wow this man is trouble. He could ruin your life and leave you broke and blame it on you

FFS. Hobby, Cannabis, Manipulative, Lazy, Lying, Gaslighting... Any more that I am missing?
Sorry for DSD.
But the Dick has to go

So he's too stoned to work enough hours to support himself and his DD and he's too stoned to take responsibility and let's you do it all for him.

No way should you put up with this.

He’s got you over a barrel because you feel sorry for his daughter (understandably)

The fact that you’re not married is great! This means you can easily leave him.

His daughter is not your responsibility and you shouldn’t stay with him out of guilt for her. You need to prioritise yourself and this man will NOT change.

or you could offer to be her main carer and dump him?!

🚨🚨 Cocklodger 🚨🚨

I had one of these, for 30 years. I ended up paying more and more of the bills until I was paying for everything whilst all his money went on cars and weed. He then had the audacity to divorce me and take half of my assets. Please don’t let this be you.

I apologise if this has already been said.
£350 at minimum wage works out to 28 hours work, so maximum 7 hours a WEEK!!

If he says he worked normal full times hours something has seriously gone wrong with his wages but I feel it is more he is lying to you about the work he is doing. If he is WFH there isn’t really any way you can prove this unless you put CCTV up in your house without him knowing.

You need to just pay the mortgage, utilities and food for you and his child but he can sort him self out. School is back now so you shouldn’t need any more childcare and if he is working so little hours he can take her and pick her up from school, saves after school and breakfast club fees.

If he is smoking weed but has no money he must be accessing household money or has secret money, I do agree with everyone you need to leave him, as much as you love you DSD it’s only going to get worse. What happens when your savings have all gone?

Who house is it, God I hope it's yours . I feel angry on your behalf. He won't charge, he will drain your bank account dry, he will use his daughter to keep living under the same roof as you.

Why are you allowing this?