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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious with DP over money - but AIBU because he’s “stressed”

396 replies

NeedyJoker · 01/09/2025 22:07

My DP is going through some stressful life events at the moment. His child’s mother has decided to move abroad and DSD is with us. She’s obviously upset but she loves being here and we love her being here too.

DP is woeful with money. He regularly spends all his wages on hobbies, takeaways etc. recently I’ve had to pay the mortgage alone. He just wastes it.

Anyway, he’s not been paid in full for July as he took unpaid leave. He got about £1000 and I didn’t see a penny of it. Spent on shit.

I’ve paid for food, DSD nursery, bills, mortgage, dinners out for us, days out for DSD, a weekend away (already booked before all this) with DP and DSD. I’ve spent thousands in July. This was with the understanding that August pay would be back to normal for him.

He told me he’d get his pay check in full today.

He received £350 only.

I said what are we going to do this month? He said, well the same as last month.

I am furious. I will now have to use my savings, and pay for everything again.

DP has said I’ve “got an attitude”, and that my tone was “kicking him when he’s down” when everything’s going on for him.

He said I need to “pick my moments to bring it up”, as it’s pulled him right back down into depression.

He said he doesn’t have time to do his hobby now as he’s struggling financially. He said he thought I didn’t care about money - I don’t, but I’m not a bank?

He is stressed, I get it. But some forethought would help!

OP posts:
Firefly100 · 02/09/2025 16:50

My advice to you depends on who owns the home you currently live in and whose name the mortgage is in.
He is not going to improve so either you accept you are going to be bankrolling him forever or you stop living together.
If shared house, I would tell him you no longer wish to live together and would he like to move out and me buy him out (assuming I could afford to) or would he prefer to sell? If he faffs about or agrees to sell, I would move out and stop paying all bills. Your half of the mortgage is his ‘rent’ towards you not living there and having extra renting costs. I know your credit rating might start to take a hit and you can’t carry on indefinitely, but I’d start out like this. It will help him not put off selling. It would be too hard to stay there with his daughter and not support her. You will end up continuing to fund him. If he moves out, if you are willing, I would suggest his daughter stays with you for stability. Hopefully you can work towards a foster arrangement for her.
If you own the home, I’d kick him out but say his daughter can stay and encourage him to let you take over care. Change the locks on him whilst he is out if necessary.
If he owns it, I’d move out but offer to take his daughter with you ‘whilst he sorts himself out’, again hopefully it becomes permanent.
If he uses his daughter as a weapon against you, l’m afraid you are going to have to call his bluff and leave her to his tender mercies for a period,
possibly forever. Im so sorry. Let SS know that you are 100% willing to foster her if it becomes an option (assuming you do want to)

Shadesofscarlett · 02/09/2025 16:52

pandarific · 02/09/2025 15:54

@NeedyJoker dump the man - tell him he’s out in 4 weeks and to find somewhere else to live.

If you love her and can afford to, keep the little child - tell the DP that you will keep her there “for the time being” until her mum is back so she stays at the same nursery and her life stays the same, and ask him to cover her nursery fees. I bet the loser will actually not even fight that - and actually it is obviously in her interests. Poor little mite.

I very much legally you can just keep his child. Op why are you with this waste of space of a man

Someone2025 · 02/09/2025 16:52

NeedyJoker · 02/09/2025 12:58

DSDs mother has left her, does not pay anything. Says she needs to work on her MH and will let us know when she’s ok and can come back here - possibly in 12 months. It’s a mess

Misread your post earlier and thought the child was yours, now I understand its your DSD, I would be absolutely furious with him, he expects you to look after his daughter whilst he is off galavanting…..absolutely not on…..next time he thinks he is going to go off at the weekend doing his hobby tell him NO and that you have something planned, how dare he!
As for the money, is the child’s mother contributing, if she isn’t , she needs to!

Honestly, I would consider leaving if things don’t improve, and I wouldn’t be afraid to tell him this, if you left he would have to up his game

roundandroundthegarden123 · 02/09/2025 16:55

So he spends his money on drugs instead of bills and doesn’t support his daughter. You need to leave before you’ve burnt through your savings, he’s a total waster!

SinnerBoy · 02/09/2025 17:01

Hes an immature, selfish, irresponsible, immature arse. He needs to get a grip on himself and his money, as he needs to pay his bills first and reduce his hobby and takeaway stuff.

AugustSlippedAwayIntoAMomentInTime · 02/09/2025 17:06

I'd be packing my bags and alerting the school and social services on your way out so they can at least try to support his child.

AngryBookworm · 02/09/2025 17:07

Christ on a Brompton! This is outrageous on his part. My heart breaks for his poor daughter whose parents both seem to be stuck in teenagehood (though that's unfair to many teens I know!). I am so glad she has you but she isn't your responsibility.

I know you don't want to leave, but I would want to make it clear to him that that is on the line unless he changes. It doesn't sound like you want to just cut and run but that would be justifiable!

If you stay, I would make it a condition that the two of you go to financial counselling/therapy. I say both, even though you don't have any problems, because I wouldn't trust him to be honest with the therapist. And that his salary is paid straight into the bills account and you get to see his timesheet every month, because he cannot be trusted. I hate how much work this is piling on you, but that's the reality of what it'll take to give the relationship a chance. If it feels not worth it, there'd be no shame in you escaping now.

shuggles · 02/09/2025 17:09

MrsBlobby64 · 02/09/2025 15:11

Me & my girlfriends have a nickname for blokes like this... Cocklodgers

"Cocklodger" would imply that this is a behaviour specific to men, when it clearly isn't.

GelfBride · 02/09/2025 17:10

Cannabis users lose all sense of perspective though @NeedyJoker They get to a point where they seem to float through the world with others taking up the slack if they are lucky. My ex was like this and it got too much for me.

As I have got older, I have recognised this in weed users. They stop functioning fully and get nasty when pulled up on it. My postie got sacked for this reason. I knew her over a span of five years and in that time she went from very occasional use to daily and she went from being a really interesting efficient person who was in the TA and had lots going on, to a listless user who got the sack cos she couldn't be bothered with delivering the letters to the right people and on time and just stopped caring about 50% of things she should be caring about like paying her rent and wearing clean clothes. It's pernicious.

I bought a house to let out and she moaned cos she couldn't afford to do that, except she said she and her DH were spending £75 a week on weed.

Once I realised my tenant was smoking weed, I booted her out before she let everything bloody slide. She has been booted out again since.

Dollyparton3 · 02/09/2025 17:15

Oh OP :( I’ve just re-read your opening post and I’m reading that your DSD is young. There’s no way that this situation will get better over time I’m afraid, I can see you being expecting to do all the heavy lifting as a parent when she gets older as his weed habit and general uselessness go hand in hand with each other.

i colossally judge anyone who’s an adult and has a weed habit, it was fine to dabble in your teens but when you’re a fully grown adult that’s just checking out of every part of adulting in my view.

As a step mum who has on occasion stepped up to support DH with a very tricky ex and a teen who followed crazy role modelling I’m strongly suggesting that you cut your losses and give yourself room to recover and live your life without a deadbeat weight around your neck. There’s no room for improvement here as far as I can see

Cherrysoup · 02/09/2025 17:31

Her father is useless, spends money on dope and his hobby, whilst he mother has abandoned her child. I know you’ve been in her life for 3 years, OP, but you need to stop paying for a child (and a man child) who isn’t your responsibility. He needs to step up and stop controlling the narrative by whinging about how you’re adding to his‘bucket of shot’. No more babysitting while he fucks off for an entire day, he can’t afford to do the hobby or dump his poor child for the day.

user1471538283 · 02/09/2025 17:34

My ex was like this. I was "obsessed" with money apparently. No I wasn't. I just wanted him to pay half of the bills like a grown up.

If you only pay your half from now on (not including his DD as she is he responsibility) what would happen? In my case, it was nothing as he refused to pay.

He is relying on you to pay everything so it doesn't matter how much he earns. He's an adult and if he lived alone he'd have to get a better job and pay his way like the rest of us.

He's manipulating you and it doesn't matter what you do or say he's no intention of changing because he has no pride.

MissRaspberry · 02/09/2025 17:39

He's clearly lying about his working hours so why does he need you to pay for a holiday club when he's obviously available to look after his own child. He sounds like a selfish wanker expecting you to fund him and his child whilst he's spending ridiculous amounts on weed? The mother of your stepchild is no better leaving her kid with such a selfish father. He sounds like a scrounging selfish user.

Namechangerage · 02/09/2025 17:48

NeedyJoker · 02/09/2025 12:58

DSDs mother has left her, does not pay anything. Says she needs to work on her MH and will let us know when she’s ok and can come back here - possibly in 12 months. It’s a mess

Why are you putting up with it? You deserve way better.

MaryMungoMidgley · 02/09/2025 17:55

kicking him when he's down?
I'd kick him into the back of next week
you need to get rid OP or he'll take you down with him

jaxmum22 · 02/09/2025 18:43

Is he receiving child maintenance from the mother?

Branwells77 · 02/09/2025 19:43

Wow what a CF and I agree with others I think he’s lying to you about the money you need to tell him straight that you are not going to keep covering everything I don’t care if it hurts his feelings or makes him more depressed he needs to grow up and be a father to HIS child and not be expecting you to do it all financially and emotionally next step you tell him he has to leave and take his Daughter with him I know that’s sounds harsh and cold but please don’t be mug and let him take advantage of you.

latetothefisting · 02/09/2025 20:18

NeedyJoker · 01/09/2025 22:41

I feel desperately sorry for his DD. She is only 6, I wanted to support here as I’ve been in her life since she was 3. She would be devastated if I left.

There's nothing to stop you from still being involved in her life as a friend of the family/auntie type person, even regularly seeing her or having her at yours if you want, without having to stay in a relationship with her deadbeat dad.

FioFioSILK · 02/09/2025 20:34

She's not your actual child and committing to her isn't your responsibility. Once you have left him you will want to start life gain and date. She's not your child. She is his. Your role is as an advocate for her not a mum. Your entire life will totally change if you decide to take on a child as a single parent. Plus you will never get rid of him. It will cost you your own children.

Pherian · 02/09/2025 20:54

NeedyJoker · 01/09/2025 22:07

My DP is going through some stressful life events at the moment. His child’s mother has decided to move abroad and DSD is with us. She’s obviously upset but she loves being here and we love her being here too.

DP is woeful with money. He regularly spends all his wages on hobbies, takeaways etc. recently I’ve had to pay the mortgage alone. He just wastes it.

Anyway, he’s not been paid in full for July as he took unpaid leave. He got about £1000 and I didn’t see a penny of it. Spent on shit.

I’ve paid for food, DSD nursery, bills, mortgage, dinners out for us, days out for DSD, a weekend away (already booked before all this) with DP and DSD. I’ve spent thousands in July. This was with the understanding that August pay would be back to normal for him.

He told me he’d get his pay check in full today.

He received £350 only.

I said what are we going to do this month? He said, well the same as last month.

I am furious. I will now have to use my savings, and pay for everything again.

DP has said I’ve “got an attitude”, and that my tone was “kicking him when he’s down” when everything’s going on for him.

He said I need to “pick my moments to bring it up”, as it’s pulled him right back down into depression.

He said he doesn’t have time to do his hobby now as he’s struggling financially. He said he thought I didn’t care about money - I don’t, but I’m not a bank?

He is stressed, I get it. But some forethought would help!

I think you to rethink the relationship. Maybe suggest DP moves out until he understands what his responsibilities are.

You are already doing this on your own and you don’t need to walk on eggshells.

Get rid and stop supporting an adult.

LoudSnoringDog · 02/09/2025 21:22

The trauma that this poor kid is going to take into her adolescence and adulthood. Selfish fuckwits.

howshouldibehave · 02/09/2025 21:32

DSDs mother has left her, does not pay anything. Says she needs to work on her MH and will let us know when she’s ok and can come back here - possibly in 12 months. It’s a mess

But it's their mess, not yours.

He needs to take his daughter, move out and bring her up.

You need to move on alone.

Cordeliasdemonbabies · 02/09/2025 21:59

Would DSD be at risk if you left? Neglect?

Does he have any other relatives you can contact to keep an eye on her like her grandparents?

thecomedyofterrors · 02/09/2025 22:07

Break up with him and adopt his daughter. You are choosing to put a child’s childhood- one with unstable parents and a mother who could claim her at any stage in the next 10 years, above your own life. Very noble, but do consider how wise this is.

VickyEadieofThigh · 02/09/2025 22:15

thecomedyofterrors · 02/09/2025 22:07

Break up with him and adopt his daughter. You are choosing to put a child’s childhood- one with unstable parents and a mother who could claim her at any stage in the next 10 years, above your own life. Very noble, but do consider how wise this is.

You obviously know that a person cannot just "adopt" an unrelated child?