Furious with DP over money - but AIBU because he’s “stressed”

[NeedyJoker]

My DP is going through some stressful life events at the moment. His child’s mother has decided to move abroad and DSD is with us. She’s obviously upset but she loves being here and we love her being here too.

DP is woeful with money. He regularly spends all his wages on hobbies, takeaways etc. recently I’ve had to pay the mortgage alone. He just wastes it.

Anyway, he’s not been paid in full for July as he took unpaid leave. He got about £1000 and I didn’t see a penny of it. Spent on shit.

I’ve paid for food, DSD nursery, bills, mortgage, dinners out for us, days out for DSD, a weekend away (already booked before all this) with DP and DSD. I’ve spent thousands in July. This was with the understanding that August pay would be back to normal for him.

He told me he’d get his pay check in full today.

He received £350 only.

I said what are we going to do this month? He said, well the same as last month.

I am furious. I will now have to use my savings, and pay for everything again.

DP has said I’ve “got an attitude”, and that my tone was “kicking him when he’s down” when everything’s going on for him.

He said I need to “pick my moments to bring it up”, as it’s pulled him right back down into depression.

He said he doesn’t have time to do his hobby now as he’s struggling financially. He said he thought I didn’t care about money - I don’t, but I’m not a bank?

He is stressed, I get it. But some forethought would help!

Indeed, I don't know why people keep telling OP to do this, as if it's that simple, never mind the huge impact it would have on OPs life, which she'd seriously need to take time to consider first.

If that was ever mentioned it wouldn't be long till either of the feckless pair would be wailing oh my bairn,my bairn.

As somebody who used to smoke a lot of weed & has been drug free several years-that really depends on how much he’s actually smoking-you can smoke £100’s worth of weed in a week if you smoke everyday…

When men tell you who they are, believe them.

But it was coined specifically to apply to men who are engaging in this behaviour.
That’s not the same thing as declaring it an exclusively male phenomenon at all, never encountered in women.

There is an almost equivalent name for women, which is 'gold digger'.

This is good advice. If you manage to leave this man, you will will, in time, want to start again, and this will be so much harder as single parent (to someone else’s child) I can’t imagine many potential new partners would be comfortable with this arrangement and even if you did meet someone who was ok with it, it’s an already messy start. Are you wanting to keep her as a way of maintaining a link to him?

"Gold digger" is a gender-neutral term, which is what I said; this behaviour is not gender-specific.

Giving something a gender-specific name implies it's a gender-specific behaviour...

That isn’t evident of sexism though. It’s just describing behaviour exhibited by some bloke, not that it’s typical of all men. I take it you feel the biological detail indicates a gender prejudice; I don’t agree, since women do this too, and have been named for it for yonks.
Calling these men who do it ‘gold diggers’ is fine if you prefer that, but cocklodger is a cracking term, and not a desperately serious one anyway.

Gold digger isn't gender neutral though.

Wikipedia says that 'a gold digger is a person, typically a woman, who engages in a type of transactional sexual relationship for money and social status rather than love.'

The term 'cock lodger' on Mumsnet normally is used for a man who moves in with a woman and doesn't pull his weight financially or in other ways, typically leaving all the domestic labour and care of children to the woman in the relationship, even if the woman is working and he isn't.

'+ 1 - being autistic doesn't make you selfish. It might meant that you struggle to put yourselves in other people's shoes. Which amusingly is the same issue as faced by some NT people who can't understand that autistic people don't understand the world in the same way they do.

Some autistic people are selfish, because autistic people are people. It's not an autistic characteristic. Some of the most altruistic people I know are autistic, often getting walked over time and time again because they struggle to accept that others are selfish!

That said I do think the DP here shows signs of ADHD (and the 'hobby' is likely in part him trying to self-medicate). Doesn't stop him being an arsehole or selfish though, or change my advice that this is not going to get better for OP and she deserves better. It's not on anyone to fix someone else, particularly when they seem to be showing no recognition that they need fixing, and instead make it out that you're the one with the problem.

@Millytante I don’t agree, since women do this too, and have been named for it for yonks.

So why not just use "gold digger" for everyone?

@thepariscrimefiles Gold digger isn't gender neutral though. Wikipedia says that 'a gold digger is a person, typically a woman, who engages in a type of transactional sexual relationship for money and social status rather than love.'

It is gender neutral. The fact that it's "typically a woman" is purely historical, as many years ago women didn't have their own jobs/careers.

There is no reason why men can't be gold diggers, and the wording "typically a woman" indicates that the term can indeed be used for men.

I would like to be a gold digger, though I'm not looking for a relationship. Sadly, finding any kind of relationship would take a lot of hard work and study, let alone a relationship with a wealthy woman.

OP, he will not change, so if you stay with him you'll have to manage him financially. I'm not sure I'd be willing to do that. But if you want to give it a shot, the only way would be for him to pay into an account, the moment he gets paid, however much is his share of expenses. Including birthday and fun money for his daughter, holiday club money, mortgage money, groceries, etc.

If he doesn't work and doesn't get paid or not enough, I'm not sure what the solution is aside from kicking him out.

Whatever you do, do NOT give him any money. He needs to feel the pinch. Plus he sounds like the kind to ask for twenty to spend on his daughter only to spend it on cannabis instead.

But the best thing you can do, whether you leave him or not, is to disentangle yourself financially from him.

He’s right, you can do better than him but only you can make that decision. I’d leave because I want a partner, not a child to parent in disguise. It’s hard because you love his little girl but think about what you want from life. You’ve worked hard, trained and gave a great job and he’s… a stoner earning sod all?!

The house is hers. He brings nothing too the table but issues
I wander what she sees in him. 🤦‍♀️

I fail to see why you’re so exercised about this.
So what if both sexes can be referred to as gold diggers; what is your objection to cocklodger, by all that’s holy?
It’s such a nifty term, and in fact technically crisp, since in these relationships invariably the conclusion is that the only thing he’s bringing to it is sexual service. Rent and bills? Whistle.

I don’t see much reason for gender neutral terminology for everything, if a gendered term isn’t doing any harm in terms of perpetuating actual sexism.
Same thing exactly, as far as I’m concerned, with using ‘fox’ and ‘vixen’, or ‘king/ queen’ and so on.
Not ALL gendering in languages spreads outdated value judgments. Many a time it’s a perfectly acceptable linguistic flair, or a differentiation that enhances comprehension.

No, not in the sense of reinforcing sexist behavioural rôles.
Both terms, cocklodger and gold digger, are used for the same kind of relationship, not descriptive of two different modes of behaviour; it’s just colloquial language feeling expansive.
I’d say the only reason cocklodger hasn’t a female version along the lines of ‘fannyfreeloader’ say, is that as you say, gold digger was there already and is understood by everyone.
Maybe a male version hadn’t ever been necessary until Mumsnet recognised a spreading phenomenon among certain types of blokes, (or even something that had always been there, but hadn’t been admitted in public). That it caused a ripple is down to a long history of the boot being on the other foot in terms of who’s the breadwinner, who’d own the house, for example.
A terrific new word addressed this unwelcome realisation, and there was rejoicing in the OED tearoom, no doubt.

Cocklodger is different to gold digger. The traditional gold diggers, like Anna Nicole Smith, go after men much wealthier than themselves, hoping for inheritance or divorce alimony. It could be argued that the men know they are gold diggers, but don't mind as the woman is so much younger and more attractive, ie. they wouldn't get that woman if they didn't have the money.

Cocklodger is much more insidious and run of the mill, starting out as a normal relationship but then the man slowly moves in with the woman, reduces / stops work and ends up living living parasitically off a woman who can barely afford it.

I agree