Furious with DP over money - but AIBU because he’s “stressed”

[NeedyJoker]

My DP is going through some stressful life events at the moment. His child’s mother has decided to move abroad and DSD is with us. She’s obviously upset but she loves being here and we love her being here too.

DP is woeful with money. He regularly spends all his wages on hobbies, takeaways etc. recently I’ve had to pay the mortgage alone. He just wastes it.

Anyway, he’s not been paid in full for July as he took unpaid leave. He got about £1000 and I didn’t see a penny of it. Spent on shit.

I’ve paid for food, DSD nursery, bills, mortgage, dinners out for us, days out for DSD, a weekend away (already booked before all this) with DP and DSD. I’ve spent thousands in July. This was with the understanding that August pay would be back to normal for him.

He told me he’d get his pay check in full today.

He received £350 only.

I said what are we going to do this month? He said, well the same as last month.

I am furious. I will now have to use my savings, and pay for everything again.

DP has said I’ve “got an attitude”, and that my tone was “kicking him when he’s down” when everything’s going on for him.

He said I need to “pick my moments to bring it up”, as it’s pulled him right back down into depression.

He said he doesn’t have time to do his hobby now as he’s struggling financially. He said he thought I didn’t care about money - I don’t, but I’m not a bank?

He is stressed, I get it. But some forethought would help!

whenever I bring up and issue it’s said at the wrong time, in the wrong tone, or I’m adding to his “already shit filled bucket”

So if you're going to be wrong whenever you bring it up, you may as well just do it, not wait for the mythical better time that will never come!

Tell him straight. No more hobbies (they're not a sodding human right), no cannabis, no takeaways. He is being a shit dad and he should be ashamed. He needs a new job. If he can't agree to that and make an effort that is visible within the next two weeks, you will be calling social services about his neglect of his daughter and throwing him out.

Also she may loose the chance of ever becoming a mum herself

Yes yes yes to this!
I don’t get these women who do this. One day they may just wake up and find out but it may be to late… as in she may be to old to have a child of her own!

Don’t pay the childcare fees - it’s not your liability or problem. Neither is his daughter as harsh as that sounds. He can look after her since he’s not actually doing any work.

They need to go as he has no respect for you. The little girl has two parents and can maybe join her mum if your ex can’t get his act together.

I can’t believe you would pay the bills so he can take drugs- that’s not in your interests or his daughters. She needs to be with her mum or with grandparents, and he needs to be out of yours and his daughters life until he learns to prioritise her.

If the house is joint tell him you can't afford it anymore and will be putting it on the market. Give him an invoice for what he owes you so far. He can't have hobbies and drugs while you are paying for everything and doing additional childcare. Who cares if he gets upset, he is assuming you are going to continue to pay for everything.

Stop bailing him out, maybe then he will pull the finger out and get off his ass

I’m afraid you have landed yourself with a bad one here,…..lazy, immature, not responsible, bad with money, smokes cannabis, …..I’m honestly staggered that some women decide to procreate with men like this

In her next update OP will tell us that she's pregnant...

Definitely if he normally clears 2G for full time then £350 is less than a week's wage.
He really needs to grow up and he's taking the piss out of you big time.

He smokes weed and doesn’t pay his share so he’s a loser. That’s it I’m sorry op. He won’t change I feel very sorry for his child

Jesus Christ. He’s a selfish prick. Your brother doesn’t have responsibility to you or DSD, so kindly, it’s not “just a selfish man thing”. It’s a him thing.

Kick this one out, no guilt. He needs to be a grown up. The poor kid (what kind of mum does she have?!) is not your responsibility.

Also, why was she in holiday club if he only worked enough to earn £350? Ask yourself that….

What a loser.

My thoughts exactly.
So the money goes on takeaways, hobbies .. and drugs?
What a prince of a man!
That poor little girl… left behind by her Mother and waaayy down her Fathers list of priorities.
i understand you feel you can’t leave because of her - but how long can this go on for?

Ew disgusting. You should feel disgusted at a man that doesn’t work, doesn’t look after his child, uses you and treats you like crap. Gross. This is a low quality man.

You do realise you are the prize? Men are always better off in a relationship than women. What are you doing? Seriously? Why would you bother with this shit when you can be better off single or find a man that worships you. Why are you even entertaining this loser? Don’t associate with low quality gross behaviour, you’re better than that

You may have to lay down the law and be demanding. if he doesnt listen put things in place which causes him to be more helpful. Its not good that he isnt helping around the house and with the bills.

OP PLEASE higher your standards

Come on op. Stop paying for his kid and other essentials. Kick him out.

Could he have moved onto something stronger than weed?

I think you need to cut ties with him.

Has anyone mentioned “cocklodger” yet? You are now his nanny and paying for the privilege. This guy hasn’t understood that he can’t afford his hobbies and he isn’t entitled to your support.
Tell him to stop manipulating you with the kid and get his arse in gear or get out.

Also, weed isn't that expensive. He's either not working or he's spending it on something else besides.

he spends £££ on cannabis.

For fucks sake, leave!

His bucket is full of shit BECAUSE HE KEEPS SHITTING INTO IT

Cannabis aside, which is grim BTW that he is prioritising his recreational drug use over feeding clothing and housing his child, men like this use "the script" (not the breakup one), as a way of emotional manipulation.

It's basically an "I'm so stressed, I need you on my side, don't add to my plate, I just need more time" script to keep you financially on the hook for their shitty life choices.

I'll tell you what, he's not bothered how upset his daughter would be if you left because he's not doing anything to make sure he keeps you.

Don't come back to me with "he's so lovely, he's so kind, he's helped me through some dark times, we've been through so much together, but I love him" because that's exactly what he's banking on.

This guy doesn't deserve another chance. If you give an inch he'll take a fucking mile.

Op you need to reframe this.

Your DP is not woeful with money - he is a selfish workshy man on drugs who would rather play out at hobbies than work, care for his daughter, pay his fair share, or spend time with you.

He is not going through some terrible stressful time - he’s been asked to care for his daughter.

You are not adding to his shit bucket or bringing things up in wrong tone or time - he doesn’t like to hear the truth and shuts you up

You don’t care about money - of course you bloody care about money! Money pays for everything. He needs to start paying his way or leave. You are not remotely selfish to expect him to contribute.

It sounds like this has gone on likely the 3 years you knew him but gotten worse now. It’s simply because he can’t do normal life responsibilities. He’s not depressed - he’s an eternal child who wants women to pay for him, cook for him, clean for him and look after his children.

Honestly he cannot change and things only get harder as he’ll not step up in any way. What will happen if you ever got a cancer diagnosis? What will happen when his daughter goes off rails as teenager? What will even happen at Christmas when he buys no presents as he’s barely worked and spent what little money he gets on weed?

You need to look at the big picture here and realise this is not a good relationship and not a man you can build a life with

Wow he saw you coming didn't he.
Get rid of this looser, your life will be much better for it.

Why would you want to continue funding his selfish, lazy ways, his child, and his drug habbit. Just imagine what a better quality of life you could have if you didnt have to bail him out, or had a partner contributing their half.

About time the useless man grows up and learns how to have some responsibility for providing for his child without you as a backup

This is not a partnership. He’s not your partner. He’s a flatmate that you have sex with and support financially. You’re not even a household with “his money/my money” and “I paid for this/ he paid for that”. How much longer are you going to financially carry your flat mate?