Furious with DP over money - but AIBU because he’s “stressed”

[NeedyJoker]

My DP is going through some stressful life events at the moment. His child’s mother has decided to move abroad and DSD is with us. She’s obviously upset but she loves being here and we love her being here too.

DP is woeful with money. He regularly spends all his wages on hobbies, takeaways etc. recently I’ve had to pay the mortgage alone. He just wastes it.

Anyway, he’s not been paid in full for July as he took unpaid leave. He got about £1000 and I didn’t see a penny of it. Spent on shit.

I’ve paid for food, DSD nursery, bills, mortgage, dinners out for us, days out for DSD, a weekend away (already booked before all this) with DP and DSD. I’ve spent thousands in July. This was with the understanding that August pay would be back to normal for him.

He told me he’d get his pay check in full today.

He received £350 only.

I said what are we going to do this month? He said, well the same as last month.

I am furious. I will now have to use my savings, and pay for everything again.

DP has said I’ve “got an attitude”, and that my tone was “kicking him when he’s down” when everything’s going on for him.

He said I need to “pick my moments to bring it up”, as it’s pulled him right back down into depression.

He said he doesn’t have time to do his hobby now as he’s struggling financially. He said he thought I didn’t care about money - I don’t, but I’m not a bank?

He is stressed, I get it. But some forethought would help!

Would you consider reversing your current financial arrangements so that all of his wages go into your account (or your joint bills account etc) and then an agreed amount for personal spends is transferred back to him. That would ensure his monthly commitments are satisfied and he only gets to fritter what’s leftover. It doesn’t help you this month and you’re stuck with £350 but might be an option for the future once he’s being paid properly in future.

Call social services, tell them there's a little girl whose mother has abandoned her to a father who doesn't work, smokes weed, and is unable or unwilling to parent her. Make sure the safeguarding lead at her school is aware of this too. Then leave. And stay left.

You aren't doing this little girl any favours by papering over the cracks. If you really love her, get her the help she needs. You can still continue to see her on a weekly basis if that's what you both want.

Has he ever paid his fair share? He sounds too immature to be someone's partner, never mind a decent father. If he hasn't been working, why did he send his DD to nursery when he couldn't afford the bill? How can he just pay nothing into the bills account and not tell you?

I would leave him as he sounds completely useless and he's massively taking advantage of you. He can't afford hobbies. Are you left looking after his DD while he does his hobby? I can't believe how cheeky and entitled he is. You need to find your anger.

What the fuck am I reading???
every day on here I am more and more astounded at the absolute shit women are tolerating from pathetic, useless fuckwits. This one is the bloody icing on the cake.

OP, this man is a scrounging, neglectful drug addicted waste of space. Honestly throw him back. Adopt the girl if you can but sever your ties with this loser.

another one with a “hobby”- what are these fucking hobbies I keep reading about on here that makes people think that they can just excuse themselves from being a normal, bill paying, caring parent/ partner???

OP please get rid of this specimen

Oh come on! Kick the loser out. I didn't know what a cocklodger was before I joined Mumsnet, but he is one of theh worst of this particular species and he has some very stiff competition on here.

He is absolutely brazen and unapologetic about his piss taking and exploitation of your good will. He is spending his money on his hobby and cannabis, leaving you to pay for the child that isn't even yours. No matter how much you love his daughter, you need to leave for your own well being and self-respect. He is bleeding you dry.

He said I need to “pick my moments to bring it up”, as it’s pulled him right back down into depression.

That’s convenient.

He is being paid properly. He just hasn't done any work. The £350 isn't an error by his employer. It's because he is a lazy work-shy twat who only thinks of himself and spends all his money on cannabis and his hobby, leaving OP to pay for everything else, including supporting his daughter.

I went out with someone exactly like this (except for the weed). Pissed away his money on himself and left me to finance everything else, getting myself into huge debt. I got the same manipulation and pity party every time I tried to address it. After a miserable 2.5 years I broke up with him and he was genuinely shocked as he apparently had no idea the money was an issue. When I pointed out all the arguments we'd had, he said, 'Yes, but I didn't know you were being serious. If I'd known that, I would have paid you back.' By the end of it, I hated him because he was a dead weight I had to carry around.

Anyway, my point is, people like this don't change. He's not going to suddenly start taking responsibility. End the relationship now as things will only keep getting worse. Mine had a child too which I felt huge guilt about, but as hard as it sounds, it wasn't my job to make his child's life better at my own expense. Plus, his son is now an adult and I know they are NC, which says a lot.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. I don’t doubt that that your partner has experienced difficult life events and he may well be severely depressed and that can also lead into selfish and manipulative behaviours. Cannabis misuse can also play into severe mental health and is extremely addictive so I do think there’s more than him just being an arse here - However you playing the “rescuer” in this situation is not sustainable.

This poor 6 year old has a mother who has abandoned her and a father who at the very same time can’t step his arse up to try and be the constant that she needs. Fair enough if it was a shock that her other parent left but the fact that he then put her in holiday club knowing full well he hadn’t worked enough to pay for it and then has the gall to tell you you’re kicking him him when he’s down when you’re the only one providing financial stability for his daughter and I presume a roof over his head and food on the table. He’s taking the absolute piss because he knows you will be there to pick up the pieces and he’s not even apologetic about it which is the most shocking part. For most people if they only worked enough to earn £350 a month there would be a very real fear of not being able to pay the rent / afford food however off he swans to his hobby whilst you’re using your savings to keep the lights on? I’m sure you can see that something needs to change ASAP. If you do not put your foot down now then your relationship will be over as this will only breed resentment.

Also think about how many single mothers there are who’s partners do just up and leave - and how many of them you hear off who have the luxury of just smoking cannabis all day, working to earn £350 and popping their kids in holiday club expecting their partners to pay for the rest. It just doesn’t happen - it’s extraordinary !

He needs to

1. stop smoking cannabis and if he needs support with this week that out himself and engage with services. This will enable his to be a better dad his daughter only has him as a parent in the UK and save him money
2. get help for his mental health and have a huge attitude change - showing some respect and appreciation for you
3. be completely transparent with his finances - with how he has behaved and lied I would personally as another poster suggested be asking for his money to be paid directly to you and you give him a proportion back he can spend - and you should pay yourself back what he owes you from your savings. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a gambling aspect here - because if you genuinely believed he was working where has he actually been ? Has he been getting up and dressed and pretending to work whilst actually just going to smoke cannabis all day?

For me this is the only situation in which I would consider staying around. It sounds cruel for DSD but like is said if you put boundaries in place for him now he’s more likely to sort himself out - plus it sounds like you actually have some savings at the moment that you could use to help DSD should you wish to in the future however if you allow him to deplete that now whilst he smokes cannabis you will be in a situation where nobody can help this poor girl. I do also think as someone else has stated that safeguarding or social services need to be aware of the situation. They might be able to offer him support - with his mental health or emergency finances or something. I would ask citizens advice bureau about this.

Good luck

No, he doesn’t work full time hours. He would get more money if he was on benefits!!

He needs to get out of the house and get a job. He’s an absolute loser.

Also, why does he have hobbies when he can’t afford to support himself or his daughter??

Why are you putting up with him?!

I just found out he’s an addict.

OP - you need to leave him. He is an absolute loser.

Casual work at home and weed mean he’s spending his days stoned or recovering from being stoned - tell him the cannabis use stops immediately or he can move out. Weed messes with your mental health and is an avoidance mechanism for life

May I also add, smoking cannabis is not a hobby. Knitting is a hobby. Building model airplanes is a hobby. Playing rugby is a hobby. If that hobby time is going out and getting high he’s an even bigger waste of space.

He's a waste of space op. Get your standards off the floor and leave

Why have you been with a druggie man child for so long?

Is this really what you want for yourself? A man child who prioritises weed consumption whilst you run yourself into the ground paying for everything. Suspect you’ll look back in ten years + with regrets. At least your not married, what does equity look like in the house? I suspect given his earning history won’t be able to take on mortgage hy himself but maybe you can buy him out? Or sell. It might be worth pointing him in direction of benefits advisor, he can get UC help with rent etc. as a single parent,

“he spends £££ on cannabis”

So you are subsidising not only his lifestyle and his child, but also his drug habit. Is this really how you want to be spending your money? How very easy for him to say you are making things worse whenever you bring up the subject - but he won’t change, OP, which is doubtless why his ex left him. You need to do some hard thinking about what you want from a partner, because he doesn’t sound like much of one.

Real catch, what’s his number? Can I have him?

He's a drug user with a young daughter who he palms off on you.

he isn't honest with you about his wages and what he's actually earning because he's a drug user.

You're effectively financing his drug habit because you're giving him a roof over his head and taking responsibility for his child while he buggers off out.

hes emotionally blackmailing you by closing down conversations because he's stressed. Yeah right.

im sorry to say but he saw you coming, didnt he. Remember he's a drug user, you know he's lying because his lips are moving.

This doesn’t sound good. I’d suggest you sort a joint account for all bills and if he can’t commit to that then I’d be reassessing the situation. I’m wondering what the unpaid leave was for. Hopefully something he desperately needed otherwise it’s a worry. He needs to be more responsible. Don’t be his mother. He needs to be responsible.

This with bells on! He's taking the piss and you're being a mug. Why would you let him do this to you? Where are your self worth? I would leave the loser asap. The child will be moving anyway so you won't see her much. Take care of yourself and DO NOT GET PREGNANT BY HIM.

Hes using you to parent his child. Wake up

You're allowing yourself to be used and abused!!!

His child, his responsibility. I get it, she's innocent but both her parents are shit and as long as you are there, raising her, they will not step up.

Do not drain your savings over this idiot. Or marry him or have a child with him. Please walk away and separate your finances completely.

If he's got money for weed, he's got money to pay for his child and a roof over her head.

He sounds delightful!!

What does he actually bring to your table??

What the actual??? Firstly, you’re a saint for caring for his DD when he doesn’t seem to give a shit about her, but he is taking you for a right mug here. It’s only going to get worse if you don’t put a complete stop to this now.

He is now solely responsible for his DD. He needs to STOP spending money on weed (and doing weed altogether), stop his hobby until he has the means and spare time to continue with it, once his DD’s and the household bills are being fully met. What a waste of space.