Friend annoyed I said I can’t

[whitestarline]

I’m currently unemployed after losing my position as a nanny due to the family moving. I managed off some redundancy for a while and have since signed on to universal credit.
The past few weeks I have been really down after no luck finding another job yet and when my friend asked me to go for a walk this afternoon I said yes to get out of the house.

She mentioned her birthday coming up later in the month which I knew about as we’re very close and she said about going for drinks. I told her I can’t because of my financial situation and she got a bit fussy about it asking me “well won’t you have UC money” and “can’t you ask your parents”.

My parents rent and they haven’t got 2 pennies to rub together. Her reaction then spiralled to guilting me if I wanted to be there I’d figure it out. I can’t. I’m eating multipacks of noodles across the week am using sanitary products longer than I should to stretch it out. I’m at my wits end with unemployment.

AIBU to not spend my UC on her birthday? She has helped me a lot in the past and now I’m questioning myself if I should just make the sacrifice for her.

Can't you just go and drink tap water?

No I wouldn't go, primarily because your "friend" is oblivious to your situation and how you are feeling about it. The lack of understanding on her part is not very nice, but she's in the Birthday Bubble and doesn't get it.

Or..... you could say yes I'll go but you'll have to lend me £50 and I'll pay you back when I get another job.

Get a card in the £shop either way. That'll do for now.

If you were my friend I'd be trying to find ways that you could celebrate with me without costing you much. It's really inconsiderate to be expecting a friend not in employment to dip into their savings or borrow for something so trivial.

I remember being unemployed for a long while and it totally sucked. You don't need a friend making you feel worse - and it's even harsher that she's trying to guilt you into going without or borrowing from others just to buy a few drinks because it's her birthday.

YANBU but I don't know what you'd do about it, it's hard. Thoughtless moo

Is this a joke?

Not a very understanding friend is she? I’d buy her a card but I wouldn’t start borrowing money from others just to celebrate one day of the year. Yes it’s special to her, but she can’t be so blinkered that she thinks that people should go into debt to mark the occasion of her birth?!

A brilliant friend would give you a squeeze, slip you £50 and say: “You don’t need to pay that back and you don’t have to spend it all on a night out with me, but if you could come for the first hour it would be so lovely to have you there.”

If she’s being shitty I would really wonder what that meant for our future friendship.

Good luck with the job hunt, I really hope that things pick up for you soon.

No, just a not particularly thoughtful answer.

The friend is being inconsiderate but can't she go out and hardly spend anything?
It depends on logistics and what the vibe is I guess but at least it isn't a birthday meal.

A true friend would understand and have sympathy when you are going through a tough period. I wouldn’t give her and her birthday a moments thought.

Not really. It still costs to get there and they aren’t planning on going until late night. Meaning buses will have stopped by the time I got out and it’d be £20 for a taxi. I don’t even have the busfare let alone £20 on a taxi home to go out and drink water with a bunch of people who are drunk.

I already have her card so luckily that’s fine!

In my experience with birthday drinks out is that almost always the friends club together to buy at least one or two rounds of drinks for the birthday girl. Which means if she's not drinking/not drinking anything expensive, she'll still end up 1) paying for the birthday girl and 2) subsidising those drinking more expensive drinks.

If you can't afford it, it really is best not to go...

Jesus Wept...😆I'd rather stay in the house.

She sounds like a horrible, immature, selfish and self-obsessed nightmare tbh. I think you’d be well rid of her if she gets herself in a huff.
I hope you find a new job soon.

If you were my friend I would:

1. Accept you won't be able to make it and genuinely be ok with it
2. Ask if I could help you financially, not just for the night out but on other things (assuming I wasn't skint myself)
3. Offer to loan you some money if you were keen to go on the night out but didn't want to accept option 2.

What i wouldn't do is presume i was so important to suggest you borrow money from family just to attend. Your friend is not a true friend

This ^

Of course you can't go, if you can't afford it. I'd get a nice card and a bar of chocolate for her. Explain that you're sorry but you cannot afford to go out, and wish her a good night.

If I was your friend I’d either say don’t worry, I’ll buy your drinks, or I’d do something else, such as invite you round to my place to celebrate.
Don’t spend money you don’t have.
Hopefully you will find work soon, good luck.

She sounds like a horrible "friend". I would have either invited you (me paying), lent you money or said don't worry, we'll have a drink at my place earlier/another day.

Shes not a friend imo.

Nope, she’s not a friend. Multipacks of noodles and not enough for sanitary wear? I’d be so concerned if you were my friend, I’d be trying to find ways to give you cash or “accidentally” over order on the food shop and bring it round. I certainly wouldn’t be putting you under a guilt trip to attend birthday drinks and outrageously expecting you to ask your parents for money to attend. What a cow.

OP when someone is unfriendly they're not your friend.
It isn't up to you to spend money to prove friendship you just have to be friendly. Only one of you is doing that.

I’m really sorry that it’s been hard to find another post. You will get one soon, with the right family for you.

From what you describe, you are in a really challenging financial situation and have been making lots of tough decisions to get by.

I wasn’t sure from your post if this was a close friend? Is she someone who is important to you?

If yes, I wonder if there is anything that you can do to celebrate her birthday that is free (or within budget) but meaningful to the pair of you?

Regardless, you have been clear about the financial situation. You can acknowledge that you see she is disappointed and explain that you understand that. You can explain what she means to you.

Beyond that, I wouldn’t expend energy justifying the position you are in.

Agree with @Arlanymorif you were my friend, I would explain that it would be lovely to have you along and I’ll cover your drinks. She is being insensitive. Also OP, do you have the too good to go app? I got a couple of weeks worth of dinners for a fiver last week

There's a common misconception that people on benefits are rolling in cash, she probably thinks you're lying about not having much money. She doesn't sound like a great friend but if you want to maintain the friendship maybe show her the facts on what people on UC are expected to live on, maybe she will be more empathetic if she sees that.

Also @whitestarline not to derail, but there is a big period poverty movement in the UK. If you live near an Aldi you can get products with no questions asked: https://www.aldi.co.uk/period-poverty Also all of the community centres I work with have products available for anyone who asks for them - I’m in Wales but I am sure it’s the same in England. If you live my side of the border I can DM you a list of places to get products from. All free, no stigma. X

How demoralising, and not a serious suggestion surely? Would you do that?
i'd rather stay in than do that, not to mention it would give the impression that the OP is so poor that they can't afford anything, which isn't the case, it would just be embarrassing for them. To suggest someone puts themselves in this situation is just thoughtless.