Friend annoyed I said I can’t

[whitestarline]

I’m currently unemployed after losing my position as a nanny due to the family moving. I managed off some redundancy for a while and have since signed on to universal credit.
The past few weeks I have been really down after no luck finding another job yet and when my friend asked me to go for a walk this afternoon I said yes to get out of the house.

She mentioned her birthday coming up later in the month which I knew about as we’re very close and she said about going for drinks. I told her I can’t because of my financial situation and she got a bit fussy about it asking me “well won’t you have UC money” and “can’t you ask your parents”.

My parents rent and they haven’t got 2 pennies to rub together. Her reaction then spiralled to guilting me if I wanted to be there I’d figure it out. I can’t. I’m eating multipacks of noodles across the week am using sanitary products longer than I should to stretch it out. I’m at my wits end with unemployment.

AIBU to not spend my UC on her birthday? She has helped me a lot in the past and now I’m questioning myself if I should just make the sacrifice for her.

Same, except it was a coke. I don't drink anyway so no big deal. I'm not broke the days thankfully but most of the time if I'm out for the evening for drinks it'll come to about £6 for 2 non alcoholic drinks. If I fancy a tap water in between I will.

Obviously this doesn't work here if it's not a pub within walking distance though, but from the first post we weren't to know.

When I was down on my luck, my friend wanted to see ME, it wasn’t about the night out. I explained my situation, she said she’d like to treat me and that in time it would all work out (if I felt uncomfortable about her paying for me). That’s how friendships work.

She sounds exhausting. The sooner grown adults realise the world doesn’t revolve around them on their birthday, the better! Best of luck with your job search, don’t pay this any more mind, you don’t need the added stress.

She wants you to get into debt for her birthday! OP she's not your friend, she's being totally selfish. It would be a hard no from me, hopefully your friendship will survive, I don't put up with CF now,

If you were my friend I would have offered to buy you a couple of drinks just so I could have you there, but still accepted if you said no.

If you were my friend I would have offered to buy you a couple of drinks just so I could have you there, but still accepted if you said no.

She certainly doesn't sound a good enough friend to get yourself into more debt over!
Just politely decline the night out and suggest a day out together with a picnic and catch up somewhere nice (but free!) of her choice.
If she's turns her nose up at that then you've dodged a future bullet
Just because she's been really good to you over the years, doesn't mean that you're forever in her debt. That's not what being friends is about 🤨

No she sounds self absorbed

I'd respond "I might have felt bad about not being able to come but you've shown me you only care about your birthday and don't have any consideration for my position."

No, of course you shouldn't make sacrifices for her birthday. She isn't a real friend if she can't understand that you literally have no money.

You need to make some decent friends and leave her. She is very selfish.

After that little show not only I wouldn’t go, I’d also be seriously put off about considering her “a friend”.

A friend that wants you there that badly would invite you and cover your share.

Can people please read my other posts on here!
Argh

Sorry to hear your friend isn't being very understanding. She's probably never been unemployed without anyone to support her financially.

I wanted to reach out for the sanitary issue. One of the supermarkets I cant remember if its tesco or Asda helps with this you go and ask for a certain name and they give you sanitary products. The words are on posters on the toilet doors.

Tell your friend your really sorry but if you come you won't be able to afford to eat for the rest of the month.

If she still won't accept it then shes not much of a friend if you were my friend id pay for you, if it was my birthday or not.

I hope you’re joking.

Your friend is being thoughtless. If this was my birthday and I really wanted my friend there, I would either offer to stand them some drinks (if i could afford it) or just accept they couldn't make it.

IF you feel up to it (and you are not obliged) you could suggest she comes over to yours on another night and you watches a (free) movie. If you can afford it, get a frozen Aldi pizza to share and a £4 bottle of Aldi pinot. (When I used to drink I found these perfectly acceptable!) IF you can afford that tho - it sounds very kuch like you may be so strapped that you can't....

Re the San Pro situation, that really worries me, you are potentially even endangering your health, you poor thing. I believe it is possible to get free san pro at Morrisons with their "package for Sandy" scheme - Google and have a look. Nobody should be without these basics - if it you were a friend of mine, far from pressuring you to attend a night out, I would be transferring you £20 attaitaway at least so you could look after yourself and eat some veg and protein......

Helpful. Are you the “friend”?

Her response wasn’t appropriate, fair or mature.

If she really wants you there she should offer to pay for you (not a loan), or graciously accept you can’t make it and probably check if there’s anything she can do to help more generally.

She's being unreasonable op and I would tell her so directly by explaining the severity of your situation tbh. Some people are genuinely clueless about money and how difficult it is to get by on UC and see it as a budgeting issue rather than a col crisis issue. I wouldn't prioritise going to this if she can't stretch to understand your situation. I got myself into debt in the past trying to keep up with friends like this before I realised they weren't friends. It wasn't worth it.

On a side note, it might be worth checking out what food banks are near you, there are some that anyone can use as it's about reducing food waste as well as making decent food accessible if your budget is tight. More people than ever are using them who are working full time so noone will bat an eyelid. Some are set up as supermarkets where you go in and pick what you want. And where I live free sanity products are available in every library and you can just lift as much as you need from the bathroom. There might be something similar near you?

Would it be worth looking at a student loan and doing some further training or speaking to a recruitment agency for help identifying roles you might be suitable for? Depending on your age there are also specialist services for under 25s to boost employability prospects who might be able to help?

You're under a lot of stress and pressure op you don't need to add to it by trying to keep other people happy. Good friends will be there in the good as well as the bad.

Why? If she’s just one in a crowd of friends she’s not reducing the pub’s profits by much, and she can be sociable, and celebrate her friend’s birthday, without drinking alcohol.

@whitestarline your ‘friend’ is self absorbed and has got zero empathy.

i hope she realises quickly how awful she’s being an apologises to you.

If a person doesn’t have the money to go out, they can’t afford to go out. Taking a loan is foolish. A real friend would not encourage debt for recreation.

How does she get there and back if she's no money for the bus and can't afford a taxi home?

Don’t be ridiculous.

Apart from anything else, OP can’t afford the bus fare and it’s a taxi fare home.

You let her know you’re not attending and send your best wishes
That’s all
WishIng you well at this really difficult time