Friend annoyed I said I can’t

[whitestarline]

I’m currently unemployed after losing my position as a nanny due to the family moving. I managed off some redundancy for a while and have since signed on to universal credit.
The past few weeks I have been really down after no luck finding another job yet and when my friend asked me to go for a walk this afternoon I said yes to get out of the house.

She mentioned her birthday coming up later in the month which I knew about as we’re very close and she said about going for drinks. I told her I can’t because of my financial situation and she got a bit fussy about it asking me “well won’t you have UC money” and “can’t you ask your parents”.

My parents rent and they haven’t got 2 pennies to rub together. Her reaction then spiralled to guilting me if I wanted to be there I’d figure it out. I can’t. I’m eating multipacks of noodles across the week am using sanitary products longer than I should to stretch it out. I’m at my wits end with unemployment.

AIBU to not spend my UC on her birthday? She has helped me a lot in the past and now I’m questioning myself if I should just make the sacrifice for her.

Your friend has clearly bought into the daily mail benefits lifestyle and probably doesn’t get it.
Don’t go OP. You can’t afford it. End of story.

Noodles + bills come first, always. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and stretching sanitary products isn’t something you should feel you have to do just to afford a couple of drinks. If she’s a good friend, she’ll understand that celebrating doesn’t have to mean splashing cash — it’s the company that counts.

This is so true. Also, it’s one thing your closest friends knowing about your financials but going in to say you can’t buy a round because you are skint to a bunch of people that have no business knowing that… I’d be embarrassed. Not because there’s anything wrong with being skint, but because it’s just an awkward situation.

I also recommend mooncups (other brands available) 😊 honestly one of the best things I've ever bought!

Inconsiderate and self-centered friend with absolutely no concern, understanding or help for your situation. Some friend. More like a parasite. Kick her to the curb. A good nanny probably shouldn't frequent bars or be seen with a rowdy group. Your reputation is everything. Your friend should know that.

Cut expenses by seeking a roommate or move back home temporarily, until you get a good offer. List with an employment agency and list your requirements for an employer. Raise your personal value and expectations. Let them court you for the job. Never show desperation or need bc that makes you less desirable. You can always say you didnt rush to seek an appointment bc you took the opportunity to care for family at the time. I hope your previous employers wrote a glowing reference for you. Best wishes.

She doesn’t sound like a good friend at all OP. I have a close friend who earns considerably less than me and has other financial constraints. I always cover meals and outings because otherwise i don’t get to see her much and love her company. I’m well aware she may never be able to reciprocate however that’s ok. Friends don’t push friends into debt or financial difficulties they find a way to work around stuff.

Sorry you are in this situation OP. Being out of work is the pits. Your “ friend” sounds out of tune with what being short of cash means in reality. Tell her straight, unless she’s prepared to fund your transport and drinks, then you can’t go. If she’s real friend, she will hekp
you out.

Hope your luck turns around soon. Don’t forget the food banks can help with sanitary products, as well as food.
xx

Some friends are cunts.

When i was struggling, my friend invited me to her birthday dinner.. and her husband drove me there and they paid for my meal and drinks.. because my presence was important to her.

I took her for coffee/cake on a day i had a little to spare.

This completely!

If I was in your situation OP, my good friends would treat me to the night out, and visa versa. You can't go - don't feel guilty.

This is why I say that there comes an age in life where one has to stop having a fuss made over birthdays.. and that age is about 13. The issues people cause because they're another year closer to the grave 😆 grown adults expecting the world to revolve around their birthday

Tell her what you wrote here about living off cheap noodles and using sanitary products for longer. If she’s still trying to guilt trip you after that the I think you need to view her as a fair weather friend. Once you’ve got a job she might be fun to hang out with again, but she’s not going to stand by you when times are tough.

She's no friend op.
Drop her, just let her go.

Right now, you are on survival and she's a drain you can live without.

Next time just tell her no but don't justify it.......just no.

I'd just tell her again that you're sorry but you can't afford to come out and don't want to get into debt when you're struggling for your next meal as it is. Offer to take her out later in the year when you've got a job and are in a better position to afford it. A good friend would understand.
And not that you should have to, but I'd be making it very clear just how dire your situation is, as it sounds like she needs it spelling out... "I get x amount, and this has to pay for xyz and after that I have nothing left, do you really want me to get into debt over your birthday?"

She probably has no idea how little UC actually is.

Yanbu.

as an aside many libraries and similar have boxes of sanitary wear as part of the drive to end period poverty.

Also have you looked into local food banks or pantries to help with food?

You may also be able to get some work by signing up to an agency. Lots of schools start back around about now and many schools are short support staff and many use agencies.

Instead of saying no you can’t (which may sound like an excuse) why not offer an alternative that won’t cost much. Could you have her over for wine and snacks? A walk in a local park? Show her you want to mark her birthday.

Well, when I was a postgrad student with very little income I would join friends in the pub but never buy or accept rounds - I bought one glass of fizzy water & made it last. Everyone understood why, but I could still join in.

I’ll edit my post as I can see you’ve clarified what you meant.

I originally said:

Tell me you’ve never experienced poverty without telling me you’ve never experienced poverty.

However, many people who haven’t experienced true poverty will also be there and there will be the inevitable shall we just chip in and buy …. Etc.

If you were my friend op and l knew how skint you were, l would be gifting you a supermarket voucher and paying for your drinks so you could join me.
My friend wanted me to go for lunch with her once and l was brassic. She still wanted me to go so she treated me and next time we went, l was able to return the favour but even if l couldn't, she still would have paid. That's friendship.

I think your friend genuinely has no idea how hard it is to be on UC and job hunting. Could you send her a message reiterating that you wish you could be there, but things are just too financially difficult atm, but you'd love to go for a walk in the park, have film night at her/your house together, or something like that?

Don’t go, tell her you will go for a couple of drinks to celebrate when you get a job, that’s also telling her you won’t be going drinking / partying until you get another job….stick to your guns as she sounds quite controlling

I don't think this implies that at all

Op, if your recent families had school-age children, you could get in touch with their school to see if they’d be willing to send an email out to parents about you being an available nanny. Be proactive — at the start of the school year many families are looking for childcare. Sometimes, if your previous employer is known, word of mouth can work wonders. Just advice on the job search really! On the friend….. not sure what to say…

That is really horrible of your friend. And quite pathetic of her, like a 5 year old that’s stamping her feet because you aren’t attending her birthday party.

She hasn’t given your financial situation a second thought, so why should you give her birthday a second thought? I know which is more important (and it’s not her birthday).

If I knew my friend was skint but I really wanted them to come, and they still really wanted to come, I would offer to pay for their night out and arrange a joint taxi or lift. She is being a cow. Just because it’s her birthday, she does not get to be that entitled and have you pander to her.

Your friend is a cunt, I would personally be thinking on losing her number.