Friend annoyed I said I can’t

[whitestarline]

I’m currently unemployed after losing my position as a nanny due to the family moving. I managed off some redundancy for a while and have since signed on to universal credit.
The past few weeks I have been really down after no luck finding another job yet and when my friend asked me to go for a walk this afternoon I said yes to get out of the house.

She mentioned her birthday coming up later in the month which I knew about as we’re very close and she said about going for drinks. I told her I can’t because of my financial situation and she got a bit fussy about it asking me “well won’t you have UC money” and “can’t you ask your parents”.

My parents rent and they haven’t got 2 pennies to rub together. Her reaction then spiralled to guilting me if I wanted to be there I’d figure it out. I can’t. I’m eating multipacks of noodles across the week am using sanitary products longer than I should to stretch it out. I’m at my wits end with unemployment.

AIBU to not spend my UC on her birthday? She has helped me a lot in the past and now I’m questioning myself if I should just make the sacrifice for her.

Your friend is an ignorant dick head

How is it your eating eating noodles and reusing pads?

Own branded sanitary towels cost about 70p a pack. Icelands and Poundland sell cheap food

I have 3 kids, low income and manage it fine. As a single lady you just have yourself to feed.

What you spending your money on? 🤔

🙄

Why should her friend lend her money and get herself in debt and worry if she will be repaid?

the op lives with parents and does have money, it’s not like she’s got rent to pay/single mum 🙄

Do you kiss your mum with that same mouth? 🙄

You get very little if you don’t have kids.

Lots of them type of jobs about. But so many turn there noses up at them. 🙄

that old chestnut… calling some body a DM reader if you don’t like them. How very childish 🙄

The OP does

so your assuming her friend has money to lend her? Even if she has so many people these days don’t pay it back

OP needs to get a job - waitressing, farm work etc . Funny how migrants manage it fine

This.

What sort of adult thinks they’re so special that people should get into debt for their birthday celebration? Crackpot.

Where did I say she should lend the money from her friend? I meant don't get into debt by borrowing from anybody or by creating a food debt for herself by spending money on a night out rather than on food for the week.

I don't actually think its clear from the OP if she lives with her parents or not, if this has been said in an update then fair enough but at the time of my posting it doesn't state where OPs money is being spent to leave her finances too short to go out getting drunk/staying sober but spending on taxis.

Is it only single mums with rent to pay that can have financial troubles? I must have missed that memo

The OPs high maintenance friend doesn't sound like she'd take kindly to the OP sitting there nursing her glass of tap water whilst everyone else eats, drinks and gets merry.

Doesn't sound much fun for the OP either come to that.

I empathize. She's being thoughtless. Sometimes it's hard to imagine having no money if you're someone who's never been in that situation. If give her the card, tell her how sorry you are that you can't go out for drinks and maybe suggest doing something else when you're back in employment again.

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread just wanted to pop on and say OP if you haven't already, try and get a menstrual cup, you won't have to buy sanitary products ever again x

I’m an immigrant myself so please chill.

….. maybe that’s why I’d offer to pay for my friend’s share, but I digress lol friendships work differently in different… cultures, I’ll say.

I also didn’t say lend - I said offer to cover her share. I wouldn’t want a friend to miss my birthday just because they can’t afford a couple drinks.

You sound so childish and cross . I have children much younger then you and they don’t talk or act like you

🙄

@whitestarline I’m not childish nor cross, you’re just mad your “but the migrants work!” didn’t stick on this occasion. I know they work. Very hard, even.

OP is already down, no need to kick her down any further. Her “friend” asking her to borrow money just to attend her birthday is ridiculous and yes, if she wanted her there for her friendship she would have offered to cover (not lend, cover) her drinks.

YANBU any decent friend would understand.
UC when job seeking is a pittance.

You could suggest treating her to a meal or something when you are in a better financial position. But for now, a card will do. If she gets stroppy about it, then she needs to grow up.

If a friend told me they couldn't afford to come out for drinks to celebrate my birthday, I'd at least be sympathetic. And if I could afford to, I'd offer to buy them a drink or two. I wouldn't get snarky about it and try to make them feel guilty.

FFS, not the point of the thread.

Edit - meant to quote the person you were quoting.

You get £340 on universal credit. Deduct your own bills from that and tell me how much you’d have left.

Your friend is either not very understanding, or in her own little bubble.

In those circumstances, if you were my friend, and I wanted you to celebrate my birthday with me, I would invite you and pay for you.

You could sleep at my house to avoid a separate night time taxi, even if only on the sofa or floor.

Alternatively I would arrange to have a separate celebration with just you. Meet you and pay for tea/coffee/lunch, Invite you over for afternoon tea at mine, invite you over for a film night- what ever both felt comfortable with.

Celebrating by spending time with a person, is more important than what you are doing (especially if people won't remember it the next day, other than having a headache).

Hope you find a new job soon.

Where did you see that I’d written I live with parents or have money?

She's the very definition of a fair weather friend @whitestarline !

I would stick to your guns. Maybe say I'll go for drinks with you when I get my next pay cheque.

But Don't justify or explain your exact bills and what is most urgent to pay in detail to her. You've told her the headlines and She doesn't seem to understand. (I'd even say doesn't want to understand - She's entirely selfish)

I'm glad you are not entertaining the tap water suggestion - for one thing, everyone there would probably question it and you could end up accused of making the evening all about you.. and pressurised into drinking anyway.

It's really hard when you are job hunting and people who ought to cheer you up just make you feel worse. You deserve better friends.

Keep your chin up and keep going. From your post its clear you are able to see your priorities clearly and that is a good quality when job hunting. You will find something. Hopefully there will be some more pps along with suggestions about seeking out nannying jobs.
Wishing you all the best.