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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to funerals

312 replies

AtlanticStar · 31/08/2025 13:45

Happy Sunday to you all. Sadly, several people close to me have died in the last few years (some quite a bit younger) and two others are close to death. Sorry if this sounds morbid. I made the decision a while ago to not go to a funeral again (except DH's and he doesn't want one). A younger fried died, and I didn't go.

Would you judge me harshly for doing this, or do you feel it's personal choice and many want to remember the person as they were. How much would it bother you if someone close to you died and a relative or friend didn't attend.

This isn't about not wanting to be upset. I really don't want a funeral myself, but I'm not sure you can even 'get out of them'.

I have no idea if I'm BU. Can you help please?

OP posts:

MrsLizzieDarcy · 31/08/2025 13:48

When my Dad died recently, he was cremated without us attending any service and we then interred his ashes into our village churchyard. It was a lovely afternoon, sunny with a warm breeze, and just immediate family with the Vicar and undertaker. I've told DH and our DC that I want to have the same for myself and my Mum has said the same.

I hate funerals. They are for other people IMO and not the deceased.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 31/08/2025 13:50

You can indicate what you want in the way of funeral arrangements, but by definition you won't have the final say. Funerals are mostly for those left behind. I find them helpful. My family is far-flung and we don't get together much except for funerals and weddings.

DramaLlamacchiato · 31/08/2025 13:51

They’re for those left behind so I suppose it depends on how you’d feel about their reactions.

Clangingpots · 31/08/2025 13:53

I wouldn’t judge you . Absolutely your choice and your decision.

I think there would be a fairly large amount of people who believe ‘ it’s disrespectful to not go ‘

ignore them.

you do you - send a card to the relatives or flowers or make a donation to their charity or go for a walk and remember them how you want to.

it’s entirely your business how you remember them and if funerals are not for you - that is fine.

DappledThings · 31/08/2025 13:53

I'd find it quite odd if you just didn't turn up to any family or mutual friends' funerals. I can understand not always making a big effort to get to a funeral if it's far away and it's not someone that close but I'd be quote thrown by someone unilaterally stating they just don't do funerals

Indianajet · 31/08/2025 13:53

It is entirely your choice - several of my friends did not attend my husband's funeral, and I didn't judge them for it.
However, I was very touched by the amount of people who did come - his funeral was actually wonderful and a real celebration of his life. I am so grateful to the people who took the time to talk to me and tell me about their friendship with him.

Deadringer · 31/08/2025 13:54

I am irish so attending funerals is par for the course for me, however I only go if I know the deceased person, or if I am close to a relative of theirs, while a lot of people I know go to them all however vague their connection is. Honestly I would probably think it a bit odd if it was someone very close to you, however I wouldn't judge, it is absolutely a personal choice.

SpiritVaults72 · 31/08/2025 13:55

By attending a funeral,you're showing support for the bereaved. I've had MANY to attend over the past 2 years- two cousins who both pre- deceased both parents, my dad and my auntie, and it's always noted who has not attended because it's hurt the grieving family. A trad funeral would not be my own choice, however.

Iloveeverycat · 31/08/2025 13:55

Some will some won't. My dad had a direct cremation which a lot of people have now. We had a family get together for a meal to celebrate and share our memories. Sorry to say this but I really couldn't cope with a dead loved one in a box in front of me. If I didn't want to go I wouldn't.

Sarah2891 · 31/08/2025 13:56

I wouldn't judge you. Your choice. I feel similar about them too.

IDontKeepChickensButBelieveTheyExist · 31/08/2025 13:57

It’s a personal choice and I wouldn’t judge, but many would.
DGM had an amazing send off, the celebrant was excellent, and did make me feel that I was able to say goodbye. However, I have been to some awful funerals where the vicars have droned on about themselves, rather than the deceased, which left me upset and angry and wishing I hadn’t gone tbh.

DH didn’t want a funeral, he had direct cremation -although myself and DC were able to attend the crematorium, meet the hearse and see him in. This left some people angry there wasn’t a funeral so, I guess no matter what you choose to do, some people will always chose to be offended. I have told DC I would like the same kind of funeral.

dontcomeatme · 31/08/2025 13:57

After my nanas sudden death in my teens I have never ever attended a funeral. I don't think my mental health could go through that again, too much of a trigger. Close family members have died and I just joined them at the wake later in the day. No one judges me. They know I will not attend.

Catsandcannedbeans · 31/08/2025 13:58

I hate them to be honest and avoid going at all cost. My Nan explicitly said “don’t come to my funeral do something fun instead” which I thought was nice. It is ultimately, a personal choice.

Berlinlover · 31/08/2025 14:00

I’m Irish and it would be completely unheard of not to attend a friend’s funeral but I know things are very different in England.

DustyMaiden · 31/08/2025 14:01

When MiL died I judged the people that did come. I looked after her through dementia for 10 years. Her family never visited, too busy. They all came to the funeral. Makes no sense to me.

CinderBlockandCustard · 31/08/2025 14:01

It depends on context, surely? So your relationship with the deceased and anyone else who might be going and would appreciate your support. Also, how you frame not going. Nobody wants to have to 'do' funerals so saying you don't want to could come a Ross as selfish to someone who is grieving and burying a loved one, but if you can be supportive in other ways eg make time to check in on the person who has lost someone, donate to their chosen charity, send flowers etc that might help.

For example, my aunt and gran didn't come to my sister's funeral and didn't get in touch for a while after which really upset my mum because she would have appreciated them being there to talk to. It upset me a bit too and it felt a bit like they just weren't that bothered about my sister's death. Maybe that's not how they meant it to come across but it did.

Rizzz · 31/08/2025 14:01

In all honesty I'd say it was a bit selfish because if no-one made the effort to go to funerals, I'd say it would be very upsetting for the immediate family.

I lost a close family member very recently and couldn't thank those who attended enough.

It made us feel supported and like people actually cared.

Hillarious · 31/08/2025 14:02

Completely up to you. Personally, I find them comforting, following the death of someone close, and feel it important for me to show my support for those left behind. Not so many weddings now for family get togethers, so funerals seem to be filling that gap. Have got to the age when they’re more likely to happen and have been to five in the past year. On a happier note, a friend is organising her mum’s 100th birthday party, so there is some longevity still to be celebrated.

ToWhitToWhoo · 31/08/2025 14:02

I entirely understand your reaction. I do not want a funeral myself; was relieved that both my parents chose direct cremation and no funeral; and at times of bereavement, my pain is increased by having to deal with lots of people and their condolences.

Whether you should go to a particular funeral or not, will depend on whether your non-attendance will cause further hurt to the bereaved. Many people wouldn't care, would have far more important things on their minds, or even, like me, would prefer to face as few people as possible. But if it's important to them, then I think you should go if possible.

It might be possible to suggest an alternative, such as donating to a charity in the name of the person who died.

Favouritefruits · 31/08/2025 14:03

Funerals just prolong the grieving as you can’t seem to have one within the week anymore! I applauded you for taking doing what you want to do! I too will not go anymore funerals.

Rizzz · 31/08/2025 14:04

Berlinlover · 31/08/2025 14:00

I’m Irish and it would be completely unheard of not to attend a friend’s funeral but I know things are very different in England.

I'm Irish too and things are not that different here in England.

It's still considered pretty insulting/unfeeling to not attend without a good reason.

It's the last thing you can really do for that person and their family don't want their loved one to look like a Billy No Mates who no-one cared about.

Plus the family will often need that support.

CopperWhite · 31/08/2025 14:04

From personal experience, I know it means a lot to grieving relatives to see friends and colleagues at their loved one’s funeral, so I always think it’s worth making the effort. Honestly, if I knew someone didn’t make the effort for anyone’s funeral just because they didn’t want to, then yes, I probably would judge them as a bit selfish.

MyTommyGunDont · 31/08/2025 14:05

MrsLizzieDarcy · 31/08/2025 13:48

I hate funerals. They are for other people IMO and not the deceased.

They absolutely are for other people. Which is why expressing a preference for a direct cremation is senselessly selfish. It’s fine to say you’re okay with that, but don’t make your kids fee like they’re being deprived of a funeral for their parents that they might want just to respect your wishes, when you’re not even going to be there.

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 31/08/2025 14:07

The last 2 funerals I went to were those of my children.

I absolutely refuse to go to anymore and have a direct cremation paid for myself.

I have been judged for not attending a friends funeral, in fact I was judged for not seeing him in the funeral home (the same one my chikdren were in).

I support the bereaved, I write letters and cards, visit and make meals, and really do what I can, but I simply cannot do funerals.

UsernameMcUsername · 31/08/2025 14:08