Page 3 | To not go to funerals

AtlanticStar · 2025-08-31T12:45:45+00:00

Happy Sunday to you all. Sadly, several people close to me have died in the last few years (some quite a bit younger) and two others are close to death. Sorry if this sounds morbid. I made the decision a while ago to not go to a funeral again (except DH's and he doesn't want one). A younger fried died, and I didn't go. Would you judge me harshly for doing this, or do you feel it's personal choice and many want to remember the person as they were. How much would it bother you if someone close to you died and a relative or friend didn't attend. This isn't about not wanting to be upset. I really don't want a funeral myself, but I'm not sure you can even 'get out of them'. I have no idea if I'm BU. Can you help please?

Butchyrestingface · 31/08/2025 14:38

UsernameMcUsername · 31/08/2025 14:08

I'm Irish & also find the idea of refusing to go to funerals quite shocking 😂 So yes I would judge

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I'm Scottish (lapsed Catholic - don't know if that has any bearing) and would also find the idea of not attending the funerals of one's close friends and relatives also quite shocking.

To me, it feels like an obligation - an element of adulting (much like driving seems to be the litmus test for many posters on MN).

Like many people, I've had bereavements through my life, including a series of sudden and sad ones (sometimes they seem to come along like busses) but I couldn't imagine giving up attending funerals wholesale. My mum was unable to attend the funeral of a family friend's child when I was young, as it came fast on the death of my own sibling. But she kept going to adult funerals and eventually did attend the wake and funeral of a friend's grandchild.

I would not say anything however, no matter what I might think. So someone like OP would be none the wiser.

Clompette · 31/08/2025 14:39

@HazelBeeZee I'm so sorry for your loss and your distress with your dad's funeral.

I was taking OP's question from the point of view of a "further out" mourner - one whose job it is to lean in and support those most affected. Clearly with your dad you were right at the centre and that's a different situation.

Original poster

AtlanticStar · 31/08/2025 14:42

MrsLizzieDarcy · 31/08/2025 13:48

When my Dad died recently, he was cremated without us attending any service and we then interred his ashes into our village churchyard. It was a lovely afternoon, sunny with a warm breeze, and just immediate family with the Vicar and undertaker. I've told DH and our DC that I want to have the same for myself and my Mum has said the same.

I hate funerals. They are for other people IMO and not the deceased.

I'm sorry about your Dad. Do you mind sharing why you didn't go to the cremation service? Was that his wish, or yours?

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Wonderwendy · 31/08/2025 14:45

AllPlayedOut · 31/08/2025 14:13

I’m Scottish and I’d judge too, unless the person was grieving in which case they get a pass. I think it’s incredibly self indulgent and selfish not to attend a funeral to support a friend or family member(Assuming that it’s possible for you to get the time off and you don’t have to travel too far.) The bereaved’s feelings are more important than your dislike of funerals. I don’t think that anyone enjoys them but it’s important to be there for people and having attended a number for extended family members who died too young, it can be incredibly comforting to have the support of family and friends at the funeral.

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Yes. This. 100%
If it was my close family member and people didn't bother to turn up because they don't like funerals (who does??) I'd be absolutely devastated.

comfyshoes2022 · 31/08/2025 14:45

To tell the truth, I would be upset if you didn’t attend a funeral where I’d expect it

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AtlanticStar · 31/08/2025 14:46

Clangingpots · 31/08/2025 13:53

I wouldn’t judge you . Absolutely your choice and your decision.

I think there would be a fairly large amount of people who believe ‘ it’s disrespectful to not go ‘

ignore them.

you do you - send a card to the relatives or flowers or make a donation to their charity or go for a walk and remember them how you want to.

it’s entirely your business how you remember them and if funerals are not for you - that is fine.

Thank you that's really helpful. I think you're right that some people, even if they don't say it, would find it disrespectful and that does worry me a bit. I would say to another person what you've just said to me. Absolutely my choice.

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Avocadocat · 31/08/2025 14:46

I don’t think it’s as simple as a blanket yes or no - but am fortunate so far not to have the experience of deep grief or trauma that some on this thread will have.

I will go to support friends / family whose grief is bigger than mine.

When it is my grief which is the largest I will not have it made worse by following a tradition for others which would bring me the opposite of comfort.

lofthatches · 31/08/2025 14:50

It’s your decision but sometimes it’s really lovely to go and support the family. When my mum died, we had a full house at the church and it made such a difference seeing how much she was loved. We chose to have a ‘celebration of life’ service though so it wasn’t a somber event. It’s what she would have wanted.

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AtlanticStar · 31/08/2025 14:50

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 31/08/2025 13:50

You can indicate what you want in the way of funeral arrangements, but by definition you won't have the final say. Funerals are mostly for those left behind. I find them helpful. My family is far-flung and we don't get together much except for funerals and weddings.

Thanks for this. I'm not sure that you can (legally) completely opt out of your own funeral, unless you've gone missing or drowned or something. I don't mean to sound trite. I understand there would have to be some sort of 'disposal'. David Bowie wanted the minimum fuss but even he couldn't just not have one. Not sure of the legalities. I must look it up.

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3678194b · 31/08/2025 14:51

YANBU, in not wanting too attend, or not wanting a funeral yourself when you pass.

However, I've had family members not attend funerals of my loved ones, and have never knew why. Aunts/Uncles/Cousins, when they would attend weddings and other celebrations. I thought maybe it's that they just couldn't be as*ed, especially the late person's auntie, who I thought would have attended and I never knew why or was told why not, by anyone else.

It's best to let NOK know that it's an issue with yourself, and not the deceased!

DappledThings · 31/08/2025 14:53

AtlanticStar · 31/08/2025 14:50

Thanks for this. I'm not sure that you can (legally) completely opt out of your own funeral, unless you've gone missing or drowned or something. I don't mean to sound trite. I understand there would have to be some sort of 'disposal'. David Bowie wanted the minimum fuss but even he couldn't just not have one. Not sure of the legalities. I must look it up.

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Well yes, unless you expect your body to be left lying around then there has to be some kind of disposal. That isn't a funeral. You can request no funeral, of course you can and just be practically disposed of with no ceremony.

I don't think it's really up to any of us though to demand how people chose to remember us or not.

Murdoch1949 · 31/08/2025 14:54

I wholeheartedly agree with you. Last funeral I attended was my dad's, I went to support my mum. When she died I did not attend her funeral. I will be having a direct cremation as I see no point in spaffing unnecessary money. If others are upset by what they perceive as my disrespect, so be it. I am at peace with my decision.

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AtlanticStar · 31/08/2025 14:56

Iloveeverycat · 31/08/2025 13:55

Some will some won't. My dad had a direct cremation which a lot of people have now. We had a family get together for a meal to celebrate and share our memories. Sorry to say this but I really couldn't cope with a dead loved one in a box in front of me. If I didn't want to go I wouldn't.

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Yes, I understand Direct Cremation is becoming more common. I wouldn't judge you for not wanting to 'cope with a dead loved one in a box'. That's not the reason for me. People seem to be in 2 minds over this, with a couple being quite horrified at the idea of not attending any future funeral.

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AtlanticStar · 31/08/2025 14:59

Catsandcannedbeans · 31/08/2025 13:58

I hate them to be honest and avoid going at all cost. My Nan explicitly said “don’t come to my funeral do something fun instead” which I thought was nice. It is ultimately, a personal choice.

Your Nan sounds great!

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MyTommyGunDont · 31/08/2025 15:00

ToWhitToWhoo · 31/08/2025 14:18

But isn't the opposite equally selfish: to ask for a 'big send-off', when your family may find it UTTER TORTURE to have to deal with visitors and their condolences and possibly intrusive comments and actions, on top of their bereavement (even apart from their possibly needing to get into debt)?

I was very grateful to my parents for sparing me this form of additional suffering (and my mum, who survived my dad, was similarly grateful to him), though it was their genuine wish, not something I asked of them.

People differ as to whether a funeral is comforting or the opposite.

Ultimately, if the deceased person and those left behind have different preferences, I suppose it should be up to those left behind, as they're the ones who'll be there! But that doesn't mean you can't express a preference before death; just that you can't force others to follow it.

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Yes absolutely. I have some preferences for if I have a funeral, but have always been clear it’s for those left behind and no one in my family has to attend or arrange it if they don’t want to.

Cherrytree86 · 31/08/2025 15:01

So ifs not because you find them too upsetting, what exactly is your aversion to going? @AtlanticStar

1VY · 31/08/2025 15:01

AllPlayedOut · 31/08/2025 14:13

I’m Scottish and I’d judge too, unless the person was grieving in which case they get a pass. I think it’s incredibly self indulgent and selfish not to attend a funeral to support a friend or family member(Assuming that it’s possible for you to get the time off and you don’t have to travel too far.) The bereaved’s feelings are more important than your dislike of funerals. I don’t think that anyone enjoys them but it’s important to be there for people and having attended a number for extended family members who died too young, it can be incredibly comforting to have the support of family and friends at the funeral.

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Im also Scottish and I agree with this. If you are grieving yourself ( or like the poor PP who has lost two of her children ) then people undertand why you cant go.

Most people who are bereaved themselves made a big effort to suport the family in other ways, such as meals and visits.

DoRayMeMeMe · 31/08/2025 15:01

I’m also Irish and yes I absolutely would judge you.

latetothefisting · 31/08/2025 15:02

On an individual basis I wouldn't judge anyone for not wanting to go to any specific funeral for whatever reason. However, doing what you're doing, and making a unilateral decision never to go to one again is a bit odd, yes.

Particularly when you're saying "'it's not about not wanting to be upset."
What is it then? Why have you decided not to go if it isn't about feeling you'll be upset?

Chances are at some point in the next few decades someone close to you will lose someone close to them, and would appreciate your support at the funeral. Yes, the deceased don't know to care, but their friends and family do. If everyone thought like you nobody would have funerals, and lots of people really find them helpful as part of the grieving process - otherwise they wouldn't have them. Think of the funerals you went to - if they'd been almost completely empty other than you and one or two very close family members, wouldn't you have found that a bit upsetting for your deceased relative/friend?

To not go just because you feel like you've done a few recently and, basically, cba, (as you haven't actually given any other reason), is a bit selfish, yes.

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AtlanticStar · 31/08/2025 15:04

Berlinlover · 31/08/2025 14:00

I’m Irish and it would be completely unheard of not to attend a friend’s funeral but I know things are very different in England.

Yes, I understand there is a cultural issue. But I would say that being Irish is circumstantial not a choice. Like, I was born a woman, but there are some things expected of women that I wouldn't endorse myself.

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AtlanticStar · 31/08/2025 15:09

dontcomeatme · 31/08/2025 13:57

After my nanas sudden death in my teens I have never ever attended a funeral. I don't think my mental health could go through that again, too much of a trigger. Close family members have died and I just joined them at the wake later in the day. No one judges me. They know I will not attend.

Thanks. And, yes, maybe some just arrange a get-together (meal out at a nice venue) after the death to share each other's company and remember the deceased. I'm sorry you were traumatised. Ironically, I don't feel trauma in that way, but I'd still rather not go.

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VoltaireMittyDream · 31/08/2025 15:12

ToWhitToWhoo · 31/08/2025 14:18

But isn't the opposite equally selfish: to ask for a 'big send-off', when your family may find it UTTER TORTURE to have to deal with visitors and their condolences and possibly intrusive comments and actions, on top of their bereavement (even apart from their possibly needing to get into debt)?

I was very grateful to my parents for sparing me this form of additional suffering (and my mum, who survived my dad, was similarly grateful to him), though it was their genuine wish, not something I asked of them.

People differ as to whether a funeral is comforting or the opposite.

Ultimately, if the deceased person and those left behind have different preferences, I suppose it should be up to those left behind, as they're the ones who'll be there! But that doesn't mean you can't express a preference before death; just that you can't force others to follow it.

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I’ve done the opposite - I’ve told my mother she’s having a massive fuck-off funeral if I have anything to do with it, with all the friends who have loved her over the years, and all the colleagues she has mentored and nurtured, and all the members of the community she has supported through difficult times.

Because they would all want to honour her, and it would give me huge comfort to see how many people’s lives she touched.

She just shrugged and said ‘fine, if you want. I don’t care.’ 🤣

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AtlanticStar · 31/08/2025 15:13

@CinderBlockandCustard Yes, I think flowers and donations are a good idea. I've donated to hospices before and to causes the deceased liked.

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AtlanticStar · 31/08/2025 15:15

@RealPerson that's a really interesting perspective that the 'soul' could see it - witness your absence.

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AtlanticStar · 31/08/2025 15:18

CraftyGin · 31/08/2025 14:09

It's completely your personal choice, OP, but funerals play an important part in the cycle of life. You are the one who is losing out.

It's not always possible to attend a funeral if you work during the week - most employers will only give leave for immediate relatives.

I'm a funeral verger, so see a lot. They are almost always happy events when someone has lived a full and long life. Even the sad ones have happy elements. The gathering afterwards gives an opportunity for shared reminiscences, and catching up with friends and family.

I get your opinion but I had to laugh when I saw that you were a 'funeral verger'. You are a bit invested in them? I wouldn't think that I would be the one losing out. I wouldn't be there so I wouldn't know - a bit like the deceased...

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