To not go to funerals

[AtlanticStar]

Happy Sunday to you all. Sadly, several people close to me have died in the last few years (some quite a bit younger) and two others are close to death. Sorry if this sounds morbid. I made the decision a while ago to not go to a funeral again (except DH's and he doesn't want one). A younger fried died, and I didn't go.

Would you judge me harshly for doing this, or do you feel it's personal choice and many want to remember the person as they were. How much would it bother you if someone close to you died and a relative or friend didn't attend.

This isn't about not wanting to be upset. I really don't want a funeral myself, but I'm not sure you can even 'get out of them'.

I have no idea if I'm BU. Can you help please?

I wouldn’t judge you at all. We have lost friends (young - both in their 30’s) and I didn’t attend either of their funerals. The whole time after their deaths was like some awful public grief competition and I absolutely cannot and will not be part of that.

The only exception I would make is if it was one of my close friends who needed me to be there to support them and just get them through the day.

I don’t think you’re BU. My mum passed away in 2022 and since then I’ve decided I won’t be going to any more funerals, except maybe MIL, FIL, GMIL, etc as I’d want to support my DH.
My own GM passed away in February and I didn’t go to hers either. I know some of my family won’t have been happy about that and think I’m selfish for it but IMHO funerals can bring out the worst in people, or that may just be in my experience.

You should do whatever feels comfort for you.

Don’t you want to support any of the bereaved people in your life? I think that’s fairly shitty tbh, to just lay a blanket rule on it. I mean, nobody enjoys them, but we go because we are part of a community or a friendship group or a family, and it’s a nice kind humane thing to do.

I have never found comfort in the funeral of a loved one. Just dread and a ramping up of grief, if that's possible.

Apart from my husband, my brother and his wife, plus Dad when it was mum's, I could not tell you who else was there for my parents' funerals. I didn't want to be there, I just wanted to be left alone with my memories, so did my brother.

For myself I want a direct cremation with no one having to feel they must go. Have a get together a month or so later when a modicum of the sting has passed by all means.

Everyone has the right to their own feelings on the matter. I would not think the worse of someone who did not want to attend.

I think close family or friends, you'd be missed and people would wonder where you were.

Otherwise, I think as long as you sent a card or something to show you were thinking of them it would be ok.

I lost a long time friend this year and his son arranged the funeral outside the city where we all live. I am disabled and do not drive so I could not have attended. Then he sent a text to say that it went off wthout any mourners and was all arranged by the funeral directors. He did send some video of the coffin in the crematorium and it was all very tastefully done.

Not going to the funeral of someone you actively disliked, if your reason was good, is fair enough. But "being true to yourself" sounds to me like putting a spin on "not doing anything I don’t fancy doing".

"Obligation" is not necessarily bad. It’s one of the reasons we don’t all lead totally selfish lives, ignoring the needs of others.

I'm an atheist but I don't insist on "being true to myself" by refusing to attend religious ceremonies on principle if I’m invited to them. I've been to christenings, bar mitzvahs, weddings and funerals of all persuasions. I don’t join in prayers but keep respectfully silent. I go to show respect to those who invited me or the one who died.

You're nor Cat Dealy by any chance, @AtlanticStar ?

Families come from different ‘funeral attending traditions’. DH’s family is funeral-attending to an extreme degree. FiL, distantly from Irish descent, was into full-on funeral tourism - he would travel to the funeral of anyone and everyone he was however remotely connected with (second wife he never met of previous business associate who died some years before type thing, and any funeral at all in his closest church). He enjoyed the social event, always ate lots at any funeral tea, and was never abashed by the fact he often didn't know the deceased.

In my family, by tradition - South Welsh - women do not attend funerals. My mother has occasionally attended as the formal representative of my father if he was not available . I attended the memorial service for my grandfather, and also for a college friend who died young, but my parents-in-law are the only people whose funerals I have attended, just because DH’s family would have been offended by me putting my tradition in front of their own.

Without knowing someone’s history, traditions and perhaps previous trauma, I don’t think it’s reasonable to judge their attendance or non attendance .

It’s really interesting that everyone is split relatively equally on this. Giving me new perspectives.

I was grateful to those that attended my DHs to support the family. However, each to their own.

But, I would never go to the wake without going to the funeral. It looks like just turning up for free food and drinks.

I’d definitely judge you, like the people in a previous thread who wouldn’t go to see someone on their death bed it smacks of narcissism and selfishness to me.
It’s also linked to the modern phenomenon that people should never experience discomfort, inconvenience or anything that might upset them.

Do what you want for your own funeral that’s totally your choice.

My mother never went to a funeral and she lived to be over 100. You don’t go for yourself but to support the family of the deceased. We missed an important one a few months ago because DH was in hospital but we had visited the person concerned only a few days before he died which I thought was probably more important.

No, I wouldn’t judge. I’ve told my family I don’t want a funeral. I’m pleased my kids are completely happy with this.

I think they’re awful and an absolute rip-off. I think being the child of Irish parents has put me off. I’ve seen how mawkish the ‘mourners’ are. They’ll turn up to the funeral of anyone at all, often to just gawp, and eat and drink for free.

I work indirectly in the industry and direct cremations with no service have become incredibly popular.

@RosesAndHellebores "I think the feelings of those left behind in relation to your presence are more relevant than your personal wishes."

I absolutely agree. My DH died suddenly and completely unexpectedly at the age of 47. He literally dropped down dead in front of me. I don't have a "support network" as such but it was a strange sort of comfort to see so many people come to say goodbye at his funeral. People turned up who knew him from years ago and had read the announcement in the paper. Conversely, a neighbour who had known us both very well indeed for 30 odd years (and of whom I was very fond) told me she "didn't do funerals" so she stayed at home with her very much alive husband. If that sounds bitter and judgy, it's meant to. Not attending a funeral because you can't cope" or "you'll say goodbye in your own way" (or whatever) is the absolute ultimate in making a situation all about you.

I'm glad direct cremations are becoming popular. I decided long ago that's what I'd want, and felt it was quite usual to have one.

Since C19 this seems to be a more popular option. It's written with my Will this is what I want.

Funerals are for the living I think. You go to share condolences and to grieve. It also helps to process the finality of that person's life.

I don't think I understood that my brother was dead until I saw him buried.

You obviously don't HAVE to go to funerals but not going to them could lead to friends and family seeing you as uncaring and unavailable for support. That could lead to cracks in those relationships. I've never regretted going to a funeral as I could see what it meant to the people closest to the person who died.

But I'm Irish and we have a different attitude towards death and funerals than most in the UK anyway.

Funerals are about the living really, so personally I think you should go to show love and support for the family. For example if your child died before you, would you prefer sitting in an empty venue because nobody could be bothered or sitting in a full venue surrounded by the rest of the family and their friends? I think I'd only not judge someone if they had mental health issues or trauma and genuinely couldn't cope with the funeral themselves.

What I meant about traditions was this: when my mother dies, do I stay away to show respect for the tradition she upheld and represented (that women do not attend funerals), or do I attend her funeral because other people might judge me as they follow other traditions?

Im afraid I don’t understand that. Most funerals are not about comfort for you. The point is that a good attendance brings comfort to those most closely bereaved, by showing how much their loved one was valued by others and how families and friends support each other through rough times.

Is it attending the funeral, or actually showing support, that shows how family and friends support one another through tough times?

As my mother’s dementia deepens, I know exactly who shows support. Who appears at a formal ‘event’ is, by comparison, neither here nor there.

I think this is fine as you have attended a part of the day and provided a support to the bereaved.

I think I would raise an eyebrow at any family or close friends who didn't attend any of it though because it is a day to support the living as much as remember the dead. And if everyone abstained it would be a pretty lonely experience for the next of kin.

I regret going to the funeral of my best friends husband. When the curtains closed around his coffin she screamed and screamed. It was awful. Even the undertakers were shaken and in tears.

I regret going to the funeral of a boss. His twin teenage daughters had to be carried from the church. I don't think it helped them to process his death. At all.

It's entirely your choice and no one else's business.

If it was someone really close that I was in contact with I'd go, particularly if I knew their families, but funerals of people I wasn't particularly close to, and hadn't seen or heard from for 15 years I sent a card instead. It felt so inappropriate to be there with a long face, when it hadn't really impacted me and they had closer family and friends really grieving.

Extended distant family are professional funeral goers, look on it as a holiday or excuse for a booze up, love displaying their fine emotions and making it all about themselves, that probably has a lot to do with why I feel that way.

Tbh, for me, funeral attendance is not about ‘support’ and all about a (relatively low time or cost impact) opportunity to be ‘seen to be supportive’.

’Support’ is long-term, quiet, private, individualised.

‘Funeral attendance’ is short term, sociable, public and to a large extent standardised.