To not go to funerals

[AtlanticStar]

Happy Sunday to you all. Sadly, several people close to me have died in the last few years (some quite a bit younger) and two others are close to death. Sorry if this sounds morbid. I made the decision a while ago to not go to a funeral again (except DH's and he doesn't want one). A younger fried died, and I didn't go.

Would you judge me harshly for doing this, or do you feel it's personal choice and many want to remember the person as they were. How much would it bother you if someone close to you died and a relative or friend didn't attend.

This isn't about not wanting to be upset. I really don't want a funeral myself, but I'm not sure you can even 'get out of them'.

I have no idea if I'm BU. Can you help please?

Personal choice in my opinion.

Yes, but it's taken me a while to get there, so maybe that's where the blanket statements come from. Please re-read this as: If I feel angry and upset by the words and actions of a close family member, and realise I don't even like them and have been traumatised by the, would I BU to say, no I'm not going?

But, that doesn't explain not attending the funeral of a friend who was a wonderful, inspirational person. There's an element of this should be about personal preference not obligation. Because if you only do something out of obligation how can you be true to yourself, or the person involved, especially if they're deceased.

It's not the worst day though is it? That's the day the loved one died. The funeral is just the performative bit. I would absolutely support the bereaved through the death, and after the funeral when everyone else swans off having done their bit by attending. I'll support the person after the event.

I try to avoid funerals tbh. I have gone to one or two, my Dad, my Mum, FIL, a best friend from school, my neighbour. I didn't go to MIL's, with DH blessing. I loved her, but the funeral was very religious and I don't believe, so it's all a bit uncomfortable praying and singing to something you think is nonsense.

When I lost my mum it meant a huge amount to me to see how many people attended her funeral. To know that people were prepared to put themselves to the inconvenience, even taking days off work, to do something that no one really wants to do, showed me how much her life had mattered. And that mattered to me.
So, unless it would really be seriously detrimental to my MH, if it was a person I'd be reasonably expected to turn out for, I'd be there.

I suppose though it's your chance to make peace with the person who died

Please re-read this as: If I feel angry and upset by the words and actions of a close family member, and realise I don't even like them and have been traumatised by them, would I BU to say, no I'm not going?
Not at all. Sounds entirely fair and the best thing for you

But, that doesn't explain not attending the funeral of a friend who was a wonderful, inspirational person. No it doesn't and I don't know why you are still conflating the two unless you are trying to make not going to this one person's funeral into setting a precedent for not going to other ones. You've given no reason as to why you don't want to attend funerals in general other than you just don't fancy it and you don't like to do things expected of you which sounds like just being contrary for the sake of it.

I would judge a general abstinence from all funerals, but if you hate someone just don't go to theirs.

I don't think you'd be a fraud to show up, any more than an agnostic or Muslim would be a fraud to attend a church wedding. The person will never demand anything of you again. It's a basic acknowledgement that they existed, and that life has value, not a deep declaration that they were your favourite person.

I absolutely hate funerals and avoid most.

I do get your point and I shouldn't have brought up the Welsh thing. But I still feel that, whether I fully understand why I won't go, or not, it's a valid choice, not meant to hurt anyone else and I would support anyone else in whatever choice they made. It's not my business and people are different to me.

It's up to you really, but personally I like the closure and the gathering. I would always try to attend if informed of the funeral date. I've got a big family so between that and friends I've been to over 20 funerals.

Two very close family members died this year. One religious funeral and one non religious and unconventional. Both very moving and it was lovely to gather together.

Some of us find obligation meaningful - more meaningful, even, than being ‘true to ourselves’ all the time and only doing things we actively enjoy.

You're not unreasonable but I'd tread carefully with some people. You might cause great offense to some close family of a deceased if you don't go - especially if they don't understand your reasons or know you well.

Chances are all your nearest & dearest know you well enough that offence will never be taken but grief makes people very sensitive so just be aware and take the time to communicate clearly and sensitively to those you know.

I'm really very sorry for your recent losses

Grief takes months. It’s not all done and dusted in a fortnight.

You can specify in your will you would like a direct cremation
However funerals are about those left behind so if they want to mark your passing let them, you'll know nothing about it either way.

Choosing not to attend funerals is a tough one. In many ways going is a mark of respect and support to the close relatives left behind. I think a good turn out can be a source of comfort to those grieving.
If I hated funerals or found them triggering in anyway I would pick the ones I felt were most important for me to attend - very close family and friends or those that were likely to have only a few mourners attending.

I think YABU. Surely nobody likes funerals, but that’s not the point. It’s not about you, it’s about giving some comfort to those closest to the person who’s died by showing them how much that person was appreciated.

Imagine what it would be like if everyone did the same as you and only a very few people attended a funeral. That person's loved ones would feel terrible.

Thank you, this is brilliant.

Suppose your best friend (heaven forbid) lost her partner and child in a car crash. Let's also suppose she has no living parents herself. Would you attend? To support your friend?
I'm sure anyone other than the most awful selfish people would unless some very unusual circumstances. Like the recent death of a child yourself.
Really the way I see it is if close family have organised a funeral and told you about it, that likely means THEY want you there. And IMO you should go. For THEM.

I know at least two people who absolutely bloody love funerals.

Bloody grief thieves.

The relatives of my mum's generation are beginning to shuffle off, and so I have been to a few funerals over the past couple of years. I will go if I can, work permitting. If I can't, I'll send flowers or a donation, and write a card to the deceased person's next of kin. I go to reunite with family members, but I don't find them that sad? More, celebratory.

I also go to colleague's funerals. I've been to Irish, Scots, Jamaican and Sikh funerals. All have been brilliant! Great music, funny stories, fab food and free bar! A bit sad, but really, it's a remembrance of the deceased.

Despite this I don't want a funeral because my circle is incredibly small, so I don't think it will be well attended. Instead I want to be cremated and for my daughter to have a party at a later date instead.

A funeral is like any other invitation, you can decide not to attend for any reason. But you may be judged adversely by the person who issued the invitation. Your friends and relatives are usually grateful when you turn up to their birthday meal, baby shower, mum's funeral, etc because you have taken time to do something that is important to them.

I don't want a funeral and I'm not planning to go to any more either.
I've been to many over the years, including my own dad's when I was a teenager - I feel now that saying cheerio quietly, and also interacting while we're both alive, is really what matters. I've found catholic funerals particularly draining (no offence to any catholics - you do what you need to do to mourn). Some folk will judge us - let them.

I go to support the family/friends left behind.

Entirely your choice, OP. Not everyone feels a need for or benefit from funerals, which is why 20% of deaths are now followed by direct cremation.

Gosh.