To not go to funerals

[AtlanticStar]

Happy Sunday to you all. Sadly, several people close to me have died in the last few years (some quite a bit younger) and two others are close to death. Sorry if this sounds morbid. I made the decision a while ago to not go to a funeral again (except DH's and he doesn't want one). A younger fried died, and I didn't go.

Would you judge me harshly for doing this, or do you feel it's personal choice and many want to remember the person as they were. How much would it bother you if someone close to you died and a relative or friend didn't attend.

This isn't about not wanting to be upset. I really don't want a funeral myself, but I'm not sure you can even 'get out of them'.

I have no idea if I'm BU. Can you help please?

As others say, funerals are for those left behind.

People generally claim they wouldn't judge anything and everything, but I think it depends upon the complexities - easy not to judge a work acquaintance for not going to a friend's funeral, hard not to judge your best friend for not being there to support you at your husband's funeral just because she's decided not to go to funerals.

Why don't you go to funeral's op?

@Rizzz Thank you and I get your point, but it's not because they are upsetting that stops me from going. There is one person in particular who behaved very badly to me in the past. I feel angry, not upset, and I think this is what will stop me from going.

‘You do you’ is a sentiment I’m fine with in some contexts but not this one. It’s a time to do what respects either the wishes of the deceased or their family/friends. Absent a genuine trauma reaction to a funeral I’d say turn up and pay your respects as a minimum. I appreciate not everyone agrees with my view tho.

Yes I got the idea from the tibetan book of the dead. They say at death you enter a dream like state which can be prone to be frightening and disorientating, for several weeks before you move on. The person often doesn't realize they have died, and so the funeral could help someone come to terms with their death. They also say that the body should be left in the open for three days just covered with linen and should not be touched or have upsetting scenes around them during this time

My family live all over the UK so big events, including funerals, are the only times we can all get together and speak of fond memories of eachother or the deceased in the event of funerals.

I don't judge anyone who doesn't want to go, but I do think there's obviously different cultural expectations depending on where you're from.

What stopped you from going to your younger friend's funeral?

And what's stopping you from now not going to anyone else's funeral?

Interesting that you say you want to “remember them how they were” when in fact this is the very purpose of a funeral. What do you think about attending the funeral would taint the memory?

I think everyone is happy to have support on the funeral day and the wider the net is cast, the more grateful they seem.

Good question. I'm beginning to focus on one particular funeral and starting to realise that I'm actually angry with the people who are supposed to be closest to me (bar one or two), rather than wanting to support them. So it must be about dysfunctional family dynamics and wanting to get shot of these people altogether.

Another reason I think is that, just because something is tradition, doesn't mean to say it's right. If you're only there to be a bum on a seat, that's not very authentic is it? I wouldn't want someone at my funeral, that I don't want anyway, to be there because they think they should be. I'd rather they were raising a glass down the pub or looking with a smile at an old photo of me.

Something else - I remember an old friend (Welsh) telling me that back in the day women weren't allowed to go to funerals.

What rot. It’s not selfish at all.

Also Irish and I would 100% judge this. No one likes or enjoys funerals, but you go to either show your love for the deceased or to support their friends / family on the darkest day of their lives. It is a mark of respect and acknowledgment. If you won’t put yourself through an hour of discomfort for a funeral service, I would consider you very selfish truthfully. I also wouldn’t consider you someone that would give much support in the grief that follows and would probably let that friendship drift

Well, it involves unlocking the doors, moving chairs to make way for the coffin, putting cones out on the drive... the last one I did involved walking through the town to find the bin men who had parked their wagons opposite the drive so there was no way the hearse could swing in.

The priviledge I do get is to be learn about the wonderful lives the deceased had, and to think that my funeral would not be a patch on theirs.

So it's not really about funerals per se at all, but whether you would be unreasonable not to go to the specific funeral of someone you disliked and was unpleasant to you.

That's a rather different proposition than your blanket statements

Thanks, but no, it's not because it's hard, or distressing, or I couldn't cope. I can cope with all of that. I'm starting to realise that with one funeral coming up (a family member), I almost hate the person. I would feel such a fraud.

And what about weddings. Some people just don't do them. There are other ways to demonstrate your love and commitment.

I’d judge you. Just like I judged the woman who turned up to my mum’s requiem mass in a pair of fucking jeans.

The big takeaway from my parents funerals was the amount of people who came who were previously names on Christmas cards from when they were young friends who still travelled for several hours on the day, and who talked to me for a while about what my parents were like when they were young. Gave me a view of my parents I’d never seen.

@LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog I am so sorry about your children, if I have read that right.

I think the deal is, OP, that you can have all the reasons you want for not going to funerals - that Welsh women once couldn’t go to them, that you shouldn’t have to bow down to tradition just because, that it’s not ‘authentic’ unless you 100% want to be there, whatever - but you don’t get to dictate whether people judge you for it.

People are entitled to feel how they feel about you, just as you are entitled to feel how you feel about funerals. C’est la vie.

🤷‍♀️

There's nothing wrong with people getting tearful/upset/distressed at a funeral, There is no expectation of a stiff upper lip. Just have tissues and don't wear mascara.

Grief is the price of love, after all.

I hate funerals and am having a DC myself. However I do go to family funerals, direct and indirect to offer my support to the family of the deceased. I am always upset by them and never attend the wake. I think it's a comfort to the bereaved to see how much their dead person was loved and regarded.

We are both having direct cremations mostly for financial reasons but also because we have 3 adult children, one sil and bil and no close friends or even acquaintances really. So it doesn't make sense to have a proper funeral. Our kids have said they are happy about it. Whether they are just saying that I don't know but it is what it is. We are not religious either.
So I wouldn't judge anyone who didn't attend, you can support the bereaved in other ways.

Posted twice.

I’m not keen on funerals and only go to family members and one or two others.

I think it’s really selfish if people there need your support.

Nobody likes funerals ffs

I don't get it.

By all means don't go to the one funeral of the family member you dislike, but justifying not going to ANY others for the rest of your life because traditionally women were discouraged from attending funerals (it's nothing to do with being welsh by the way, it was just a tradition during victorian times that it was better for women (mainly middle and upper classes) to stay at home, 'angel of the hearth' and all that) is just bizarre.