To not go to funerals

[AtlanticStar]

Happy Sunday to you all. Sadly, several people close to me have died in the last few years (some quite a bit younger) and two others are close to death. Sorry if this sounds morbid. I made the decision a while ago to not go to a funeral again (except DH's and he doesn't want one). A younger fried died, and I didn't go.

Would you judge me harshly for doing this, or do you feel it's personal choice and many want to remember the person as they were. How much would it bother you if someone close to you died and a relative or friend didn't attend.

This isn't about not wanting to be upset. I really don't want a funeral myself, but I'm not sure you can even 'get out of them'.

I have no idea if I'm BU. Can you help please?

I’m not sure it’s worth talking to someone so
completely devoid of normal human emotion as you are but just in case there is a tiny speck of humanity inside your empty shell

This is a totally ridiculous statement, because you've concluded I am "devoid of normal human emotion" and lacking humanity on the back of nothing more than the fact I see funerals as pointless and don't attend them.

You've totally ignored the fact that I have admitted that I still do all the other "normal", "caring", and selfless stuff aside from attending funerals, you've also ignored the fact that I have stated I completely understand why they serve a purpose for other people, so no, I am not devoid of emotion or lacking in humanity.

funerals are shit because someone you love has died

No, it's the fact someone you love has died that is "shit".

It’s not the funeral itself that it is traumatising for most

Why then, do people who are otherwise calm and collected, turn into a blubbering, inconsolable mess during the course of a funeral? Of course in those cases it's the funeral which is traumatising.

it’s the fact that the person has gone

Indeed, and the person remains "gone" irrespective of whether there is a funeral or not, which is entirely why I personally find them wholly pointless.

for many the funeral provides closure or a celebration

Of course, and if it is the funeral itself which provides this, then there is no reason at all for me to attend because you still have a funeral event either way.

Normal humans like to support people who are suffering when people have died and also show the person that they care. Many people are comforted by people attending their relative’s funerals

"Normal humans" also recognise and accept that not everyone is the same, and that people are free to make perfectly reasonable choices without feeling emotionally blackmailed or railroaded by judgement and shame.

First of all, to make things clear: if people would be comforted by one's presence at a funeral, and hurt by one's absence, then one SHOULD go to the funeral if one possibly can.

However, it doesn't only go one way. What about people for whom funeral customs are NOT comforting? For whom having to socialize with others and receive condolences and have our grief on display and conform to others' traditions would be absolute TORTURE and add to our grief? For whom the greatest comfort is to be allowed to grieve in privacy and be spared having to organize a funeral, or perhaps just to have a private family-only funeral? We do exist! Should we be pressed to hold a funeral and deal with people's condolences and intrusiveness, just because that's the tradition? (I am referring not to instructions from the deceased person but to social pressures from outside.)

It brings comfort to the immediate family to have people around to share the deceased person's final journey, share memories (prayer where relevant) and generally show up and be supportive.

It is not the time to put your feelings first.

Lots of people will disagree, but its true. Sometimes in life we should put other people's feelings first and this is one of them

Lots of people don’t disagree tbf.
A few selfish sociopaths do.

I don’t disagree with any of this.
If the deceased wasn’t bothered or didn’t want a funeral and the closest relatives don’t then that should be fine.
My entire stance on this is based on the welfare/wishes of the deceased and the closest grieving relatives.

Maybe a century ago.

you are a heartless, self obsessed narcissist

Absolute nonsense.

It’s not about you!

Correct, it's about the wishes of the deceased and the relatives who derive purpose from having a funeral.

Hence why I don't attend.

Welsh valleys, yes. It’s dying out but may still be the tradition loved and espoused by the elderly (and therefore needs to be taken into account by the bereaved relatives of those elderly when they die, as they are planning their funerals / services of remembrance).

My grandmother - born in the early years of the last century - never attended a funeral.

My mother - born in the 30s - has attended some, more recently, to represent and occasionally support my father (she attended his parents’ funerals and those of her own parents).

I attended my grandfather’s memorial service at my mother’s explicit invitation. She knew he would not have approved but she also knew how fiercely I loved him and was grateful to him. I didn’t attend my grandmother's, as I was living across the world with a small baby.

When my mother dies, the tradition will probably die with her. I must ask her, while her dementia still allows her occasional lucidity, whether she would feel her traditions and values had been disregarded if I and my DD attend her funeral.

If eg the Irish can claim a tradition of universal funeral attendance, surely funeral non-attendance can also be a tradition? As other have said, the tradition is also of quiet, continuous, long term and private support for the bereaved and for those who are close to death - it is a tradition of ‘doing something positively different’ as much as it is a tradition of ‘not doing something’.

(As my mother once remarked, ‘the Welsh bury their dead on hillsides’. It’s not a fault NOT to bury the dead in a valley. Just different.)

Don’t want to derail and is interesting hearing the perspective of someone who has relatives who followed this but surely you can see that the fact that the women have to stay at home and then basically do lots of extra housework and cooking is incredibly sexist and not the lovely, cosy tradition you imply.

This in spades. Selfish attitude to not go to funerals. You go to support the bereaved friends and family and support each other.

genuine non- snarky question then. And I promise I will leave you alone after that.
So if a close friend said to you ‘I’d really like you to come to my husband’s funeral I need the support’ would you just say ‘No, I find them pointless’ and not attend?

It depends whether you see long-term, quiet support for the ill, the deceased and the bereaved as being less or more ‘important / valuable’ than attending a church service?

Even in terms of the provision and service of and welcome to ‘the funeral tea’, many here have spoken of the comfort of speaking to the bereaved and fellow mourners, sharing stories of the dead, the rekindling of family ties etc. Where does that happen? Not in chapel.

I am not saying that I believe the tradition to be worthy of maintaining into the future. I am just saying that because an activity is different, it is not necessarily lesser. Any more than because my mother chose to stay at home with children and saw her family of as equal value to her Oxford degree and teaching roles she is of lesser value than my father who had a more conventional career.

I always think the way to see if something is sexist (or any other ist) is to replace the person affected by another protected characteristic. Would you be so happy to imply it is different and not lesser if for example black people or disabled people were not allowed to attend the funeral and had to stay home and make the tea?

Is it sexist that men were not allowed to
help with the tea? Why do you see the tea as lesser?

It is only if you ascribe specific importance to ‘the funeral’ that you see the division if roles as sexist, surely? If you see the different ‘parts of the process of celebrating and mourning the deceased and supporting the bereaved ‘ as of equal value, it’s division of labour.

Because one is the public sphere and one is the private. And because women were not allowed to attend the funeral so not allowed to be part of the public event. They were confined to the domestic sphere as has been the way of repressing women for the vast majority of history. If your mother chose to give up an academic career to wait on her family it is surprising but was her choice. You are quite clear that a women who wanted to attend the funeral would not be allowed to or would have to seek special permission. Feel free to defend these outdated social practices but don’t try to disingenuously suggest they are based on anything but pure misogyny.

No, I'd remind them that I don't attend funerals, which they'd likely know about in any case if they had known me for any length of time, and not attend. There is no need at this juncture to go into the particulars of why I don't attend funerals. I still support people I am friendly with in other ways, health-related appointments, dealing with officialdom, finances, practical things like moving home, decorating etc, this is just the one thing where, if they need support, they are going to have to look elsewhere.

If that is problematic for them to the point whereby they'd end the relationship, then that's entirely up to them and I'd accept that without question, but I still stand by the contention that worthwhile friends respect each other's opinions and boundaries and wouldn't never ask you to disregard them in the first place.

An absolute no is an absolute no, it isn't a "no, but maybe if you asked nicely, and because it's you...".

If that somehow makes me inadequate or unworthy as a friend, or implies that perhaps my friendships aren't as close or intimate as other people's typically are, then I'm absolutely ok with that. Friendships have to suit both parties, and perhaps I do keep people more at "arms length" than is typical, but there are no laws that mandate friendships need to operate on certain understandings, or that anyone who asks anything of you is to be entertained without caveat simply because they are considered a friend.

There are a whole host of things a friend could ask me to do and I'd oblige them willingly, but going to a funeral is not on that list.

Is being a SAHM pure misogyny? Or a recognition of the equal importance of child-rearing and earning money?

The funeral tea is NOT the private sphere! Have you ever been to one?!

How is the blokes sitting on their arses in a church while the women run all around making tea and cakes fair division of labour? You are just being silly now. I’ve lived in Wales which is why I knew straight away it must be people from the valleys as while generally lovely people they are about 100 years behind the rest of the UK.
If this tradition was so fair and great then you would have followed it instead of attending your grandfathers funeral.

It is if the males insist the woman stays at home and doesn’t work as you have stated happened with funerals.

Thank you very much for your clear and honest answer.

As someone who currently just can't attend funerals:

I think it is wrong to decide not to go without good reason, or just because it makes you uncomfortable. You go to show the family you care and support. You put your own feelings aside to do that.

That said, I haven't been able to go near a funeral for years. Luckily, I haven't had one I've really had to go to. I can't go near one without a panic attack due to PTSD. My own father has told me that I shouldn't go to his funeral if I can't and is totally understanding.

I do have diazepam in the house in case I ever need to go to a funeral, so I'm going to try. I don't know if I can though. Maybe if I get the panic out of the way before the funeral I'll be better at it if I take medication. I do explain to the bereaved with an apology why I can't go and support in other ways.

I have instructed my family not to give me a funeral to spare them having to go through it.

I'm not joking - just typing this puts tears in my eyes.

For me, I think it's fine to not go to a funeral, even though I'm going to try with medication when I really should go. Before this, I went to every funeral because it's the right thing to do.