To not go to funerals

[AtlanticStar]

Happy Sunday to you all. Sadly, several people close to me have died in the last few years (some quite a bit younger) and two others are close to death. Sorry if this sounds morbid. I made the decision a while ago to not go to a funeral again (except DH's and he doesn't want one). A younger fried died, and I didn't go.

Would you judge me harshly for doing this, or do you feel it's personal choice and many want to remember the person as they were. How much would it bother you if someone close to you died and a relative or friend didn't attend.

This isn't about not wanting to be upset. I really don't want a funeral myself, but I'm not sure you can even 'get out of them'.

I have no idea if I'm BU. Can you help please?

I don't go to them either, I am having a direct cremation myself like others in my family

I think it's possible the soul of the just passed sees it and it could bring some comfort to them, and also a sense of ending so that they can move on. I just don't really want one because I hardly know anyone. But my family will probably do it because people think they have to don't they. I'm more concerned about how my body is handled

It's completely your personal choice, OP, but funerals play an important part in the cycle of life. You are the one who is losing out.

It's not always possible to attend a funeral if you work during the week - most employers will only give leave for immediate relatives.

I'm a funeral verger, so see a lot. They are almost always happy events when someone has lived a full and long life. Even the sad ones have happy elements. The gathering afterwards gives an opportunity for shared reminiscences, and catching up with friends and family.

In all honesty i’d probably think where is so and so. But then i’d probably just think we all grieve differently. One of my closest friends died this year. 9wks from diagnosis to death and I spent so much time at her bedside. I was so happy to see nearly all her friends made visits (could sign from signing in book) to see her, and I know many found it tough as she wasn’t the same person anymore as she had 2 large brain tumours and was a different person. One person in particular didn’t visit and I did judge a little, but recognise it’s hard to see someone like that. Friend didn’t have a funeral and we all found that tough.

We are doing a scattering in a few weeks which will be nice. I expect some people will choose not to attend. For me, I always go to funerals. Not just to pay respect to the dead, but to support the living. It’s always heart warming to see lots of people made the effort to attend.

I agree with this. Generally I'm very "do what makes you happy", but it's about supporting the bereaved and respecting the person who died.

Yes, they're upsetting, but that's because you have lost a loved one.

They are for the bereaved as much as the person who has died. They are also an opportunity to pay your last respects. If they were a close friend or family member I thinj the feelings of those left behind in relation to your presence are more relevant than your personal wishes. They are also an opportunity to provide closure. The thud of a handful of earth on oak.

You say "This isn't about not wanting to be upset" but what is your reason if not that?

I suppose my view is coloured by a few people I've known making it clear that they were too sensitive to attend funerals and I couldn't help thinking "like the rest of us love them". If there is a formal funeral, I think the purpose of attendance is primarily to support the closest bereaved and that's the important thing.

This. I don’t enjoy a funeral, but go out of my way to attend to support the close family members whose grief is bigger than mine.

I’m Scottish and I’d judge too, unless the person was grieving in which case they get a pass. I think it’s incredibly self indulgent and selfish not to attend a funeral to support a friend or family member(Assuming that it’s possible for you to get the time off and you don’t have to travel too far.) The bereaved’s feelings are more important than your dislike of funerals. I don’t think that anyone enjoys them but it’s important to be there for people and having attended a number for extended family members who died too young, it can be incredibly comforting to have the support of family and friends at the funeral.

I don’t think you’re bring unreasonable, OP. But I go to funerals to support the dead person’s family.

Also, at the wake you often get a chance to tell relatives what the person meant to you, aspects of their life that family members may not know much about. It’s a comfort to hear how someone you love who has died was liked or admired by other people.

That’s why I like the fairly recent practice of holding a commemoration or celebration of their life.

I think it’s about supporting the living. I think it’s selfish not to go.

I think if the loved ones left behind decide to have a funeral, they would probably appreciate people coming to it.

You go to a funeral not because it will be fun or enjoyable, but because it’s meaningful to the people who have organised it. To show your love for the grieving family and honour the memory of the person who’s died.

If you don’t go, I think it’s quite important to make sure you send a card at the very least, if you value your relationship with the person’s family.

If I’m honest I think I find it fairly strange to just decide you don’t do funerals as a rule, since you say it’s not because they make you upset. Why is it then?

Full disclosure - I come from a family (largely ND) where nobody bothers to give their loved ones funerals, and I have found it quite painful and hard to deal with.

When my grandmother died there wasn’t even an obituary, and her ashes are just sat in my aunt’s broom closet nearly 20 years on. My cousin died recently in his 30s and again, his ashes are just in a box somewhere, and nobody wrote an obituary because they ‘didn’t know what to say’. He had loads of friends, who didn’t feel able to organise an event on their own to remember him in case it somehow upset his parents (because that’s the only reason they could think of that his parents wouldn’t have a funeral for their son, it didn’t occur to them that they might just be coldly utilitarian people who can’t be bothered with the faff and expense).

For a lot of people a funeral is a very important part of honouring and remembering someone, even if it’s not for you.

If it was a close friend or family member then I would judge you, yes.

Actually I've just read your OP again and you haven't given an actual reason for not wanting to attend any more funerals?

Would you judge me harshly for doing this, or do you feel it's personal choice and many want to remember the person as they were.

How is attending their funeral not remembering them as they were?

I could understand if you were talking about seeing them in the chapel of rest with no lid on the coffin, but a funeral along with eulogies and photos etc, is exactly remembering them as they were?

It's the main point of it and the wake too.

But isn't the opposite equally selfish: to ask for a 'big send-off', when your family may find it UTTER TORTURE to have to deal with visitors and their condolences and possibly intrusive comments and actions, on top of their bereavement (even apart from their possibly needing to get into debt)?

I was very grateful to my parents for sparing me this form of additional suffering (and my mum, who survived my dad, was similarly grateful to him), though it was their genuine wish, not something I asked of them.

People differ as to whether a funeral is comforting or the opposite.

Ultimately, if the deceased person and those left behind have different preferences, I suppose it should be up to those left behind, as they're the ones who'll be there! But that doesn't mean you can't express a preference before death; just that you can't force others to follow it.

I think it’s selfish not to go, this is about supporting the closest loved ones and showing respect. It’s an important ceremony to mark an important milestone.
i think they are great in terms of a before and after and giving a different level of closure to your own grief as well.
also I just don’t get avoiding it because it’s hard. Lots of life is, you can’t avoid everything all the time, and nor should you.

The funeral is for the remaining family, by not going you are disrespecting those people, not just the deceased.

If a close friend of mine (with no barriers like distance) chose to not come to the funeral of my close family member, I would judge you, i wouldnt say anything but id listen to that message. You're telling me (not the dead person, they're dead, they don't care), you're telling me that you are not there to support me. If you're not friends with the ones left behind, its not so much of an issue, but if you are, thats a different message entirely.

We talk about this at work quite a lot - l agree op but my boss says it's for the ones left behind to gain closure. I hate the formality of them and would rather never go to one again. But l do go!

Why does the support only happen for the couple of hours of the funeral though?

I don't attend funerals but I do support my friends through their losses.

Surely months and years of support isn't negated by not being at a funeral? And being at a funeral and thinking youve done your bit is far less supportive than showing up for months afterwards.

I honestly couldn't tell you who was at the funerals of my children.

I grew up in Scotland and wasn't allowed by my mother to go to funerals. Both my grandfathers died when I was 15 - and it was a definite no.

When my mother died, we all went up to Edinburgh. My aunt had arranged babysitters for my three youngest, to which I politely declined - several times. They love it - not the funeral itself, necessarily, but the close family gathering that we hosted in our hotel the day before, and the refreshments afterwards, and were totally in awe of the sing song at my brother's house afterwards.

We also have our own family memories of that day - disasters come in threes - first, DS forgot his black tie and suit jacket, then DD2 had only one shoe, so had to wear furry boots, and I managed to pick up size 28 pants for myself when getting the black ties in M&S.

When I went up for my aunt's funeral, my uncle and cousins were so touched that I made the effort. By the time my uncle died, they expected me. Both were great opportunities to rekindle with the family.

Ar my mums funeral there was standing room only, and it brought me comfort in a bittersweet way to know this amazing woman had touched so many other people. Conversely, at the funeral of a friend who died by suicide there was barely anyone there, less than 20 people for sure. It was terrible and I felt so bad for the family, I can only imagine how directly it drove home how small and sad his life might have felt to him that so few people were there. They were vocally so grateful for those of us who did show up, and we could share stories they hadn't heard before and points of happiness they might never have otherwise heard.

So whilst I would try not to judge, in all honesty, I do think it's shitty behaviour. The funeral is for those left behind I agree, and if by turning up and showing "hi, you might not know me but I cared for your loved one" helps even a small amount, i'm willing to do it.

I didn’t want to go to my father’s funeral but everyone insisted I’d regret it if I didn’t. Instead I regretted going. It was awful, I full on was hysterical throughout it and I had absolutely no control over my emotions. I hated seeing my siblings beside themselves, the music, everything was just so painfully sad. Yet I was with him when he passed, he was peaceful and just sleeping, I wish I had left it at that. Worse of all I know he’d absolutely hate how sad we all were at his funeral, he wouldn’t have wanted it at all.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable and I’d never judge anyone for not going to a funeral, any funeral.

Showing up is a kindness for the relatives. If you can go, you should.

It's not a tit for tat situation. Choosing not to hold your own funeral doesn't make it a single iota less distressing for a family who holds a funeral and has hardly anyone show up.

No, they’re not very fun, but that’s part of life. If you’re not prepared to be there through the bad bits then why should you experience the good bits?

OP you definitely can 'get out of' having a funeral yourself if that is what you want. You can have a direct cremation. That is what I'm having, as did all my close family and in laws. So although half a dozen family members have died in the past five years I have not been to any family funerals.

I do go to friends' funerals, although in all honesty I'd rather not. I would not judge anyone either way, it's an individual decision.