Page 13 | To not go to funerals

AtlanticStar · 2025-08-31T12:45:45+00:00

Happy Sunday to you all. Sadly, several people close to me have died in the last few years (some quite a bit younger) and two others are close to death. Sorry if this sounds morbid. I made the decision a while ago to not go to a funeral again (except DH's and he doesn't want one). A younger fried died, and I didn't go. Would you judge me harshly for doing this, or do you feel it's personal choice and many want to remember the person as they were. How much would it bother you if someone close to you died and a relative or friend didn't attend. This isn't about not wanting to be upset. I really don't want a funeral myself, but I'm not sure you can even 'get out of them'. I have no idea if I'm BU. Can you help please?

narcASD · 01/09/2025 23:03

I would judge if the reason was you’d find it upsetting or just don’t want to go, I’m sure the deceased family are a lot more upset than you.

cantkeepawayforever · 01/09/2025 23:11

Historically, I am sure that the tradition was based on the then-pertaining general misogyny and sexism in terms of the roles if men and women.

Those - now all very elderly, as far as I know - who retain those traditions, do not do so through continued misogyny or sexism. My father does not forbid my mother from attending funerals, nor ask her to serve tea, nor does any male member of their community. In fact, they no longer live in that community- nor did my grandparents after they married - and where they now live finds her adherence to traditions they do not share somewhat quaint.

It is like her religious faith - also deep-felt, practical, quiet, with traditions.

IWishIWasABaller · 02/09/2025 00:32

If god forbid my husband died in the morning it would be immediate family only . I recoile in horror at the thought of being expected to stand and shake hands and converse with a large group of people at such a devastating time . I would refuse to put my children though it also and I can whole heartily tell you that I simply would not have a clue as to who attended the service or not . I certainly would never hold a grudge against someone for life if they didnt turn up to a funeral it wouldnt even register in my mind. Do people really have that presence of mind to take notes of who attended and who didnt ?! Surely in the throes of grief you wouldn't even notice.

XWKD · 02/09/2025 01:01

I can't imagine not going to a funeral of a friend or relative. That's just me. If you can't face it, you can't face it.

Levie · 02/09/2025 04:16

A relative told me that she didn’t like funerals and would not be attending my Mum’s. It felt like avoiding discomfort was more important than my feelings and I found this very hurtful. I was grateful to everyone who came and honoured my Mum and found it comforting.

Stopsnowing · 02/09/2025 05:07

People go to show their respects and to support the bereaved but you don’t have to. Personally I think people should go where they can:

www.npr.org/2005/08/08/4785079/always-go-to-the-funeral

DoRayMeMeMe · 02/09/2025 05:32

IWishIWasABaller · 02/09/2025 00:32

If god forbid my husband died in the morning it would be immediate family only . I recoile in horror at the thought of being expected to stand and shake hands and converse with a large group of people at such a devastating time . I would refuse to put my children though it also and I can whole heartily tell you that I simply would not have a clue as to who attended the service or not . I certainly would never hold a grudge against someone for life if they didnt turn up to a funeral it wouldnt even register in my mind. Do people really have that presence of mind to take notes of who attended and who didnt ?! Surely in the throes of grief you wouldn't even notice.

Have you spoken to your children about this? Maybe they feel differently, and perhaps you could be curious about their thoughts with dramatically sharing your own.

How about your husband, does he have wider family, friends, work colleagues who perhaps he thinks should get the opportunity to show respect. Would you be interested in finding out his wishes so you could honour them?

FluffySnugglyBlankets · 02/09/2025 06:32

IWishIWasABaller · 02/09/2025 00:32

If god forbid my husband died in the morning it would be immediate family only . I recoile in horror at the thought of being expected to stand and shake hands and converse with a large group of people at such a devastating time . I would refuse to put my children though it also and I can whole heartily tell you that I simply would not have a clue as to who attended the service or not . I certainly would never hold a grudge against someone for life if they didnt turn up to a funeral it wouldnt even register in my mind. Do people really have that presence of mind to take notes of who attended and who didnt ?! Surely in the throes of grief you wouldn't even notice.

You don't remember and funeral directors know it. This is why they have a guest book for people to sign. I've even heard them request at a funeral that people sign the guest book "because the family won't remember who attended, so it is helpful for them to be able to look back."

DappledThings · 02/09/2025 06:48

FluffySnugglyBlankets · 02/09/2025 06:32

You don't remember and funeral directors know it. This is why they have a guest book for people to sign. I've even heard them request at a funeral that people sign the guest book "because the family won't remember who attended, so it is helpful for them to be able to look back."

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I've been to at least 25 funerals and never seen a guest book

FluffySnugglyBlankets · 02/09/2025 06:49

DappledThings · 02/09/2025 06:48

I've been to at least 25 funerals and never seen a guest book

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It's probably an optional extra but I've seen a fair few.

Wonderwendy · 02/09/2025 06:57

FluffySnugglyBlankets · 02/09/2025 06:32

You don't remember and funeral directors know it. This is why they have a guest book for people to sign. I've even heard them request at a funeral that people sign the guest book "because the family won't remember who attended, so it is helpful for them to be able to look back."

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You obviously won't remember everyone if there were a lot of people. I would absolutely have noticed someone very close not attending my mum's funeral though. She died young (40s) so there were a lot of people thank goodness. Is have been devastated otherwise. And no I didn't shake hands with them all.

IWishIWasABaller · 02/09/2025 08:54

DoRayMeMeMe · 02/09/2025 05:32

Have you spoken to your children about this? Maybe they feel differently, and perhaps you could be curious about their thoughts with dramatically sharing your own.

How about your husband, does he have wider family, friends, work colleagues who perhaps he thinks should get the opportunity to show respect. Would you be interested in finding out his wishes so you could honour them?

Show quote history

My husband feels the exact same way thankfully and my children who are in their teens and older all know how I feel too. If my husband felt strongly that he wanted a large funeral with all the bells and whistles i would of course honour that but I would be extremely uncomfortable with it