AIBU saying DH should get up earlier even though he works nights?

[SomethingImaginative]

So just had an argument with DH and we’re now sitting in awkward tension so I thought I’d come on here for some opinions and I will reluctantly apologise if I get my arse handed to me here. It might be a bit of an essay because I want to get all the facts out.

DH works in a factory. work hours 2pm-1am Monday-Wednesday 2pm-11.30pm Thursday Home about 20 minutes after finish.

He comes in has something to eat and then watches tv until about 5 or 6 am, then goes to bed gets up about 12.45 gets himself ready and off he goes to work. weekends he says he needs to catch up on sleep and will not get up until about 3pm.

We have 4 children. A teen, a tween, 6year old and a 3 month old. Older 3 have asd 6yr old still in nappies due to global development delay also. I do 100% for the baby as he says he’s not good with babies. He does help out when he’s here with the older ones, I would say 50/50 maybe even more about 65 in his favour now I have the baby to deal with.

I usually work part time due to 6yr olds needs so only 3 days a week but am currently on maternity.

DH is always complaining about being tired he did this today about 5pm when he had got out of bed at 3.30pm. I said how can you be tired you’ve barely been up. He responded he didn’t go to bed until 5am. I said that’s your choice you were home there’s no need to stay up that late and it then somehow turned into a bit of an argument with him saying about body clocks and how you can’t just come home and go straight to bed. You need to unwind for a few hours. I said you should just have a couple of hours then go to bed and you could then get up earlier and have some time before work. He countered with people who work 9-5 don’t go to bed at 7pm and what he does is what night workers do and I don’t know what I’m talking about. I said that’s completely different because the time of day matters etc and it went back and forth until the baby cried so I got up to see to him.

Anyway I think the essay is long enough! So my question is do you tend to agree with his point and that I should leave him to it or do you agree with me that he makes it harder than it needs to be and he should be doing more with his day then just sleeping and work?

It’s hard when you finish work late, you do need to stay up to wind down.
He’s right. Its not like people who work 9-5 go to bed two hours after they get in, is it? I know I couldn’t.

The thing is, if he's getting home at 1.30am and then having something to eat and watching TV until 5am, that's not actually late.

After he's eaten that's just 3 hours downtime before bed.

Most people have more than that when they work more sociable hours.

I’m team husband. What he’s doing is the equivalent of someone working 9-5, having dinner then chilling for a few hours.

I’m sort of on the fence because, yes, 9-5 workers don’t go to bed at 7, but then again a lot of parents don’t stop work of one kind or another as soon as they get home/ log off work, and in fact do work until almost the time they go to bed.

So when you have children, it can often be the case that any time to wind down at all after work is a luxury. Just because he works nights and gets in when you’re all asleep, it doesn’t mean he then gets the full “down time” of a childless person.

Equally, I’m sure working nights does really mess with your body clock.

Can you instead approach it from a point of view of working out how much downtime / free time you are currently each getting and work from there?

I think that there could be some compromise on Fridays and Weekends (apologies if I misunderstood but it looks like he has Friday off?) I believe sleep experts say catching up on sleep is a myth so sleeping extra at weekends may be doing more harm than good. I can see his point if he is genuinely not tired when he comes home because the guidance is if you are not tired or you can’t get back to sleep you should not go to bed and do something boring until you are tired. Perhaps the TV is overstimulating and he needs to do boring tasks or relaxing ones to encourage sleep.
Would only say nothing needs to change if he was happy but sleeping until 3:30pm today and saying he’s tired at 5pm doesn’t sound like he’s happy

I can see both sides to be honest.

Does he have to do this job? It’s not compatible with family life really, especially with the needs your children have.

I would want my husband to get up earlier if I were you but can see why he’s not keen to go to bed the second he’s eaten.

He’s not wrong that shift work and night shifts mess with your body clock, but he could do more to help himself be less tired, IMO. I used to do 12.5hr night shifts, come home and have a snack and a drink, maybe 1-1.5 hours downtime total, and then off to bed. I would get about 4-5 hours sleep if I was lucky and then be up to shower and go collect my kids from school, do homework and dinner, then back off for another night shift. It’s rough but when you have a family and responsibilities, having 4-5 hours of downtime after a night shift and expecting to sleep all day is selfish.

I did similar shifts for a while, I could never just go straight to bed

But that doesn't make sense here because he can't exactly get the hoover out or go and pick the kids up from school, can he?

I don't think 3 hours downtime when everyone's in bed is too much to ask.

If you’ve never worked nights you won’t understand. It is absolutely shattering. He could probably sleep all Saturday and still be tired.

Working until 1am is not working 'nights' 7.30pm - 8am shifts on a hospital ward is nights. I do get his point but there is no need to stay up for 4 hours post shift to wind down, plus you still need to be a parent! There's plenty of us mums out there who work full nights and manage to sort out children, tired or not!

Nights are pure crap. They are really hard on your body clock and yes dh always needed at least two hours to decompress after night shift. Plus dh often slept poorly during the day. Then it's bloody hard to shift into daytime at the weekend.

Is this righr your dh works
MON-WED 2pm - 1am
THUR/FRi 2pm - 11.30pm

If that's rhe case I can see how he is tired monday to Wednesday but then on his shorter days isn't he in bed for about 1.30am? Which would make shift to day at weekend easier

I think it makes sense because it shows it is possible to go to bed without substantial “downtime”.

I’m not saying he should have any, but that it doesn’t have to be three hours. Many the parent is lucky if they get one hour to themselves!

If he were single then his routine would work, but he isn't. In effect he is working, having free time and sleeping. Very little child care or familly life from what I can see.

He is actively choosing to have free time chilling till 6am then sleeps and gets up for work. What he needs to do is work, sleep from 2am til 9am perhaps, then get up and spend time with the DC BEFORE work. Particularly as your DC have extra needs.

At the moment he's luxuriating in his work/sleep/free time and no, he doesn't work the night shift, so he doesn't get to do this. He works 'late' - but no later than people working in clubs/hospitality do and they manage.

I can see from both angles as shifts like that are awkward however 10.5 hours sleep is way, way more than most parents get and I'm guessing you don't get anywhere near that amount of sleep at the weekend no matter how difficult a week you've had. He has to come and go a bit on that.

He's not working nights!! He works a late or twilight shift and absolutely should go to bed well before 5am!

I used to work actual nights and still have to look after children the next day. It was fucking torture so I didn't do it for very long. He needs to sort it out so you're not fucked all the time because of his shifts.

When I worked late I found it really hard to nod off till about 6am, I was generally in the door at about 4am. I’d be utterly exhausted but you need time to wind down and switch off. I do think your right were both bonkers adding in a baby to this set up if I’m honest.

I think it’s not unreasonable that he doesn’t want to go to bed right away. Like others have said if he worked 9-5 he’d not go to bed as soon as he gets in… but if he did work 9-5 he would have to engage with helping with the kids more and household stuff etc. Perhaps after he’s has something to eat he could do the ironing while watching TV or do some meal prepping for you to put in the slow cooker etc or something else to help you out (that doesn’t make too much noise).

Why did he want more children if he’s not very good with babies? Or is that more an excuse?

Yes but most parents with young children don't get to chill for a few hours every evening, they're picking kids up from school / feeding them / doing bedtime etc.

But you don't know it's possible for him, do you?

When I get home from work my mind is still wired, with lots of work related things whirring around in it.

3 hours downtime would be an absolute minimum for me, otherwise I'd just by lying there staring at the ceiling.

I think Monday to Wednesday then going to bed at 5am and getting up at 12.45am is fine as usually kids will be at school and he’s right about time to unwind.

If he’s home by midnight Thursday he may still on on that body clock so I’d give him a break.

However - you don’t mention him working Friday, Saturday or Sunday? So if he’s doesn’t then …

So each get a lie in on a weekend day. Up at a reasonable hour (midday) and do family stuff.

It is hard when you work antisocial hours. My Dani’s a swimmer and so we are up at 4am 4 weekdays and 5am on a Saturday.

It’s really hard to change that and so tend to be in bed at 9pm on the days I don’t need to be up at 4am but do catch up by laying in a bit (still have to get up for work one of those day!)

i think you both need a calm discussion about it.

Why are people saying he's working nights? He's working backshift and twilight shift. And there's absolutely no reason for him to be going to bed at 5am or 6am after any of those shifts.

I can understand why you’re frustrated but I do think his logic is right. I wouldn’t want to, or be able to, get home from work, eat a meal and then be going to sleep within 2 hours and I say that as someone who’s 7 months pregnant and also has a 1 year old so it’s certainly not that I’m “relaxing” it’s just having that time having finished work and winding down to being ready for bed.

I do think he probably needs a different job because these shifts don’t really work for family life, especially with 4 children, some with additional needs and one baby.

I agree that finishing at 1am is not ‘working nights’. Plenty of people in the hospitality industry work until that time of later and manage to function in the day. I used to do it, a long time ago, until 1am. I’d go home, eat if necessary, wind down for an hour and be in bed by 3am. Up around 10am and my hours of ‘free time’ that most have after work was then before work.

I’m on team @SomethingImaginative. My DH works 1300-0100, home around 0130. He has a shower at work and reads for 30mins or so before turning the light out. After his final shift of the run if I am working in the office he gets DD5 ready for school and then does the school run. He might go back to bed for a snooze. At the weekend, I expect him to be up and about participating in family life by 0900 at the latest. Your DH is opting out of family life.