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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

615 replies

stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:07

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

OP posts:
madamegazelle1 · 30/08/2025 12:08

I would make sure you have so much stuff in the car there isn’t space!

CaptainMyCaptain · 30/08/2025 12:10

I'd say it was up to DS if he wants him there bit if the car is full he'd have to get the train.

damemaggiescurledupperlip · 30/08/2025 12:10

That won’t help on the way back though. Maybe plan yourself a night in a hotel as a treat?

sadtimeshardtimes · 30/08/2025 12:11

Make arrangements to go elsewhere after drop off so you can’t offer a lift.

Hermanfromguesswho · 30/08/2025 12:11

I’d plan a visit in another direction on the way home to avoid lifts home. Whether real or made up!!

damemaggiescurledupperlip · 30/08/2025 12:11

Or plan to drive straight to a friend / family member to keep
ypurslef busy and occupied. Then you won’t have to offer him a lift in your empty car, and you won’t have too much time to feel sad about your boy being gone

BettysRoasties · 30/08/2025 12:12

Book yourself a night in a travel lodge for the evening sorry I’m not going home to night didn’t fancy a 8 hour round trip in one day.

Reportingfromwherever · 30/08/2025 12:12

DS can want him there/ask for him to be there but it isn’t your job to drive him. He can make his own arrangements if he wants to.

BlessicaBlimpson · 30/08/2025 12:13

Definitely not enough room in the car.

Original poster
stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:13

Yes, I thought of the space thing but it doesn't help on the way back if he puts me on the spot saying his train is a bus replacement etc. Not sure that he would but still.

Is it up to ds though @CaptainMyCaptain ? I get wanting him there but do I have to endure a nighmareish 2 hour long journey and have that possibility hanging over me for the sake of a drop off? If it was a big occasion like a graduation, yes, I would. But I don't think this is the same. But maybe I'm wrong.

OP posts:
Lampshadeblue · 30/08/2025 12:14

I’d compromise and say he’s welcome to be there (as it’s up to DS really), but no to driving him. He can get himself there if it’s important to him. Say you want some time to “visit a friend nearby”/anything else you have to do by yourself after dropping him off xx

MuttsNutts · 30/08/2025 12:14

You need to put DS first and if he has no objection to his dad being there, you smile and accept he will be there if he chooses to be.

As for offering him a lift home, if there is bad blood between you, there is no reason at all to do that and it would be your own lookout if you aren’t able to say no.

ETA: And in answer to your question whether you would be unreasonable to say he can’t attend - you would be totally unreasonable as it’s not up to you who attends your DS’s graduation, that’s DS’s decision. Don’t make this about you and make it awkward for him. Focus on being happy for him and feeling proud.

NewYorkSummer · 30/08/2025 12:16

Do you have a drop off time? If it’s early I would suggest you drop your son and stay for a while, then leave and your ex can turn up later on the train and spend one on one time with him later in the day. And if there’s issues with his trains he’ll have to book into a premier Inn and go home the following day.

Original poster
stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:16

Can't do hotel as I'm a teacher so no such thing as taking a leave day and I also have another dc at home (16) so wouldn't stay overnight. Also, friends etc are all local to where we live so would be hard to invent staying elsewhere - I think he'd know I was lying.

It's 2 hours each way - so 4 in total.

OP posts:
AnSolas · 30/08/2025 12:17

He can be there but you need to be clear with your son that Ex will not be travelling with you.

You are Ok if son wants to travel to Uni with him you can and will drive yourself there and back.

Or Ex can drive up alone and you will be as civil as possible.

But you are not doing happy family road trip.

youalright · 30/08/2025 12:17

Its not your decision on whether he comes or not it absolutely is your decision to not allow him in your car.

TheWatersofMarch · 30/08/2025 12:18

Yes you are being absolutely UR to say ex can’t come and your son (who sounds like a really decent young adult) will resent it. You don’t have to have your ex in your car under any circumstances if you don’t want to, if there’s a train problem for return that’s for him to sort out, same as anyone who travels by train.

TheWatersofMarch · 30/08/2025 12:19

@AnSolasex can’t drive due to medical issue

Goodadvice1980 · 30/08/2025 12:21

OP you don’t have to give anyone a lift if you don’t want to. Your car, your rules.

If your ex starts making noises about the trains etc just grey rock & ignore him. Why would you be forcedto give ex a lift home? The answer is no.

BuckChuckets · 30/08/2025 12:22

If DS is old enough to be going to uni, surely you're able to explain honestly that ex has done things that means he will not be welcome in your car for either leg of the journey. Obviously you don't have to tell him all the details if you don't feel comfortable doing so.

Hoppinggreen · 30/08/2025 12:23

If he wants to turn up thats between him and DS but you don't need to be involved and you certainly don't have to facilitate any of it

Original poster
stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:24

Thanks everyone - I did think it was UR to say he can't come and the last thing I want to do is spoil it for ds but I really don't want it hanging over me. I also thought about suggesting what @NewYorkSummer did and saying ex could meet him later, but then I thought ds should be in the halls once he's there, meeting people, not having to go out and meet his dad? But I suppose that's not my call?

OP posts:
BessieSurtees · 30/08/2025 12:24

YANBU to not want to drive him but if your DS wants him there YABU to say you don’t want him there. Your DS is old enough to understand and respect your reasons for not offering a lift either way.

If your ex has transport problems then recall a time when he let you down and use that to remind you to say no. Or as many others have suggested say you have somewhere else to be. A look around the City or somewhere close by.

Lafufufu · 30/08/2025 12:26

He can come...but you'll meet him there

If he is so desperate to participate he can find his own transport. Cheeky fucker.

alwayshungryhippo · 30/08/2025 12:27

I voted you are being unreasonable because it’s your sons decision whether he wants him there or not.
However, you are not being unreasonable for not wanting him in your car and he can make his own travel arrangements