To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

[stripycats]

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

Also, please don’t plan to have a ‘sobfest’ on your journey home. If you are in control of a car you need to be concentrating on that.
Sit in the car park for a while if you must.

His Dad is quite entitled to travel up on his own steam, although it would be odd.

You can gently point out to your son that you are driving so his father coming in the car isn't an option, so probably a later visit would be better and give them more time - and then forget about it

I'm sure the OP can adult without your help

Totally not unreasonable to not want to be responsible for helping with his travel arrangements but if your DS wants him there, you'd be UR to object.
on our drop-off last year, we were there for a few hours unloading and helping unpack a bit, then food shopping to stock the fridge and a trip to B&M for last minute things we'd forgotten. We didn't hang about once practicalities were done but it did take ages to even do that.

🙄

Also, I cried a lot in the run up and when DD said goodbye to siblings but was absolutely fine after dropping off (too knackered!) even though I was
expecting to be a mess. It helped having seen she had a lovely room and had met nice flatmates.

Of course you can't say he can't come. Its not your call. Your thoughts and feelings on his dad and whether he was a good hands on parent are irrelevant. It doesn't matter. What matters is what you son wants. If your DS wants him there, and his Dad wants to go then its tough. If his Dad is arriving on the train then that's fine.

Drop your DS off, help him settle in for a while, and then leave. You may not even see his Dad anyway as his Dad may arrive later. If you are there at the same time then I am sure you can both behave like adults for the sake of your son and rub along together. You say you can be civil when required, this may be one of those times that you are.

You certainly don't have to give him any lifts. For all you know, he may not even want one and may be just as horrified as sharing a car with you, as you are with him. If he does ask, why can't you just say NO, sorry you can't?

You can perfectly well decline any lift. You can’t stop him going. If he turns up put him to use unloading the car.

You don't ACTUALLY have to, just SAY you're going to. Have you never ever told a fib before?? Or even an outright lie? Well sometimes you need to!

You don't have to offer him a lift back. His train is a bus transfer, oh you are sorry to hear that, hope the traffic is not too bad. Or you are planning to go to the cinema to distract yourself, do your big supermarket shop etc before heading home. Do not drive when crying. Pull in a carpark somewhere

In your situation, although I wouldn't be totally happy at ex being involved, it is your DS's decision. But you do not have to be involved in any of the arrangements regarding his involvement. If his trains are a nightmare, ' ah, that's a shame'. If there is a replacement bus service 'I expect it will take you longer to get home then'. Don't get sucked in to helping him. Just walk away.

I have never done uni drop offs with my ex and we get on fine, but it would be too much. I would suggest that maybe more beneficial if ex were to travel and visit in a few weeks time…can check in on son etc….

Of course it is… you can’t ban him from the university grounds if your son wants him there.

But YANBU about driving him.

I get why this is hard for you but the day really isn’t about you. You’re well within your rights to refuse to give your ex a lift but the rest isn’t your call. If your son wants his dad there, then it’s up to him. It doesn’t matter whether you feel there isn’t enough time, or next weekend would be better, or your son should be socialising in halls. All these things could well be true but ultimately if your son wants his dad and dad wants to go that’s not your place to try and manage the situation.

This.

If for whatever reason you're not comfortable saying I'm not giving you a lift back because your behaviour means I don't want to be around you, then make something up. I find it hard to believe there's no local attraction you might be going to meet an old work colleague at while you're in the area. Failing that, you could be going for a tweakment with a particularly good beautician in the town or something.

It's not literally a "drop off" though, is it?

Every year both me and DH spent hours altogether - taking boxes and bags into the accommodation, helping unpack, going for lunch and shopping for food and miscellaneous supplies.

You might be glad of an extra pair of hands, unless your ds really is just getting dropped off with a suitcase.

Of course it isn’t your call.

I also don’t think that would be an issue like you describe. People arrive all day, it’s not unusual for parents to unpack the car, and then take the child to the nearest supermarket for a big shop, or out for lunch etc. So it’s not like after you leave everyone will be there socialising and your son will be the only one missing, people will be in and out all afternoon, then socialising in the evening.

I think your DS, and you to a certain extent, have a fairytale view of what the day will be like when he starts at Uni.
In reality, your DC will likely get a non negotiable time slot when you can access the accommodation to unload your car. It will be at best a 30 minute slot. Pull up, unload, carry everything up to his room, drive off. With nothing my DDs, after we dropped everything off, I took them to the nearest supermarket for a food shop then dropped them back at their accommodation but wasn’t able to get on the car park, so they had a fair walk.
How his DF using public transport fits into this I have no idea. How far from the station is the accommodation? How will the train times fit in with the drop off times? oh, and your Ds saying it’s not your decision, in part he is correct, but it’s your car and you definitely get to say who comes innit and who doesn’t!

It’s up to DS to want to have him at the drop off or not but it’s not up to DS to insist OP must give him a ride. ExDH is an adult and can sort himself out.

She’s talking about the drive not him being there, yes she can’t stop him being at the University especially if DS wants him there but she doesn’t have any obligation to give him a ride.

Congrats on your son’s new chapter.

YBU to say ex can’t go to the halls but YNBU to say who goes in your car, etc.

if ex lives local could an alternative plan be having a brunch (or son and ex having a brunch if you don’t sit thru it) before seeing just you drive him off? Ex can make his own visit a few weeks later.

I know a divorced couple who did travel up together in the car, 3 hours, but with their child as the buffer so to speak. Then the driver drove home by themselves and the other parent got the train.

Moving them in is a long and emotional day. If your Ds wants him there you could put the Dad in the back seat so Ds is next to you on the way up. Honestly an extra pair of hands would be great. Then he can get the train home so can fuck off to his train.

How about you do the drop off, & ex heads up for that weekend to take ds out shopping & for dinner? Wouldn't that be less awkward for everyone?

I'm in a similar position with dd1 re relationship with ex, but I teach overseas. So dd1 is coming out this week to stay for 3 weeks (she grew up here) then she'll return to UK, ex will drive her to Uni, & I'll be visiting for a long weekend once she's settled in.

Pretty sure dd1 doesn't want her parents trying not to glare at each other in the same room when she'll already have a big day to contend with! You might find ds is quietly feeling similarly, but doesn't like to exclude his dad.

I'd have a chat & see if he would prefer something like that.

It is absolutely not up to your son to decide whether you have to spend several hours in a confined space with your ex. Stand up for yourself, as you say it's a hard enough day anyway. Your ex can go by train, or at another time. You're doing all the donkey work here so it's up to you. Maybe now's the time to tell your son the truth about your ex's behaviour too.

@stripycatsI have an ex who has done almost zero parenting (& what he did was detrimental). He always wants to zoom in on any 'good / memorable bits' though. If your Ds wants him there he can take trains each way. You drop off, settle etc. ExH can turn up later & help with small initial food shop etc.
Your Ds gets to share a special day for him with both his parents but it doesn't have to be together.